First Time for Soccer Girl by Al Giovanni

Description: Younger virgin girl seduces an unwilling older man but who has more than met his match.
Size: 90 KB ( ~ 17,067 words)
Sex Contents: Much Sex
Tags: Ma/Fa, NonConsensual, First, Oral Sex, Pregnancy

Review by jbentham   [other reviews by jbentham]

Reviewed: 2007-07-25

This story has some potential beyond the fantasy for the author that it is. The main character and the author share a name making the personal fantasy prevalent. That would be okay if the story read well. Unfortunately, this story doesn't.

The story is almost impossible to read because of the lack of grammatical markings, run-on sentences and stilted dialogue. For example, there are no " marks so that you can tell who is saying what. The dialogue is almost impossible to follow.

Here is an example of a climactic sentence, "He felt his cock swell as his ball started to pump his cum into Vicky's pussy causing Vicky to have an earthquake start in her pussy and radiating out into every part of her body." I had to read the sentence several times to figure out what was going on. A couple periods or even commas would have made it readable. I could skip advanced grammar like semi-colons and colons for a period or comma or three.

Early in the story the husband and wife are arguing/discussing giving their virgin daughter to the author/hero of the story. The first line of each sentence starts: Jean... Guy... Jean... Guy... It's like the author needed to start each line with the name to whom he/she was speaking to keep it straight. And to a certain extent he does because the characters dialogue isn't individual. It reads like one character is arguing with him/herself. The author doesn’t use quotes or ‘he/she said’ to help the reader. Having a character say who they are addressing, stilted as it is, is the only way to separate them.

I laughed when I first saw Lazeez had a rating for a story, "Jumbled Words." Unfortunately, this story isn't that far from a simple jumble of words. I suspect with a great editor and a re-write, it could be a good story.

Plot: 4 | Technical Quality: 1 | Appeal to Reviewer: 3