Anne N. Mouse: Blog

Today I wonder what the right questions to ask are. What I mean is what questions will lead me to truth. To living better. To being a better person. Maybe even to being a better writer.
The first question I have asked is this: Why do I continue to not put in the work necessary to change from my current job that is quite literally destroying my body?
Laziness is the answer I give, but even that answer is lazy. Fear, I think drives part of the reason I stay where I am. I'm afraid to change, afraid that if I dream and don't reach my dreams that I will be crushed.
So I continue to wander in a desert that I know, even though it is getting dryer, and I'm daily less able to survive or leave the desert.
Then there is the panic porn that is being purveyed on our society with regard to COVID. Why?
What reason is there for the government to continue to push the panic button this far into the course of this issue? I read a column that said we ought to declare victory and stop all the panicking.
I'm more of the opinion that we have to admit a qualified defeat. That is that we have to admit that we will not ever be free from SARS-COV2 (AKA COVID 19) as it is now free and infecting people and mutating at a rate that one would expect from a virus. So it will continue to elude us, some will die from it. Some will die from auto accidents this year. To continue to live a full life one needs to be willing to accept a certain level of risk. I hope I live a long life. But more than that I hope I live a full life, that I learn to face my fears and move on to a new and better job, whatever that may be. I hope I find something that doesn't leave me so exhausted that I can't write after I get done with it. I hope I find something that doesn't require enough processing power that I can't think and imagine new stories (even if they never get written or published) and I hope that I can finish something well enough to believe that it is worthy of asking for money from readers for it.

Finally I leave you with this:
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. They may be more likely to go to Heaven yet at the same time likelier to make a Hell of earth. This very kindness stings with intolerable insult. To be "cured" against one's will and cured of states which we may not regard as disease is to be put on a level of those who have not yet reached the age of reason or those who never will; to be classed with infants, imbeciles, and domestic animals."

C.S. Lewis

I'm poor because I planned poorly and did stupid on steroids when I was younger. I know this is my fault, and I'm attempting (with little success) to rectify the situation. The big problem I'm facing now is tracking my spending. I'm sure the pie hole is still the biggest hole in the budget. But for me to write a 'budget' then not track my actual spending to categories is only slightly less fictional than a congressional budget. Less fictional because unlike congress (both parties have their favorite 'charity' to be supported with borrowed money) I cannot, and do not send money that I do not have.

Thus some hard words are going to be exchanged again with my mother. Tonight I came in and she announced she is out of heating fuel (it is my responsibility [IDK exactly how that came about] to provide heating fuel) but I have no money because my motorized roller-skate broke and must be either replaced or fixed.

Part of the hard words we are going to have are going to be about her wanting to travel 50+ miles to church (and just guess who is supposed to take her there) if you guessed me, you got it in one. This will be an all day trip, 'cause she wants to see her grandchildren (I do understand that) and visit an evening service while in town. Now I can't shop for anything that needs to stay cool (not that I'm apt to anyway) or much other shopping, 'cause if my mom gets out of the car (Truck) she will be lost in the store and even ignore a page (can you page people any more?) so I of course worry about whether or not she has fallen, left the store, etc. while trying to find her. And because of COVID there aren't even benches to sit on, and my mom refuses to use a store 'motorized cart' to ride around on though I'll hear all about how hard it was for her to get around. Also because the AC doesn't work in the truck I don't want to leave her in the truck, which she refuses to understand.

Or why I'm frustrated with my car. I had planned to do a timing belt change, with a water pump as well fairly soon. I just hadn't gotten a commitment with regard to time from someone who has some specialized tools which I don't own, and hope to not have to buy at this point. Anyway, that is not to be as it seems to me that I may have lost the water pump… at least it didn't seem to me that I had water in my oil, though I do intend to do a head gasket change due to the engine getting hotter than I like for one to get. Baked in the cake, to some extent, though doing this, if I do it, means probably setting back my plan for a different car for at least about six months. I dump $100 per pay period into the get Anne a better car fund, or about $2600 per year, if the better car fund doesn't get used to repair my current car, as it doesn't contain enough to pay for a better car, but more than enough (hopefully) to repair the one I have. But I've pretty much decided that if I do this, especially on top of just recently having the front end rebuilt, that it is the limit. No more repairs for this car. If it doesn't last out more than the six months that it takes to replenish my get a better car fund, or longer, then I promised myself, even if it goes against Dave Ramsey's plan, to borrow enough to get a better car.

Of course that could all be mooted by the get me to the doctor now order I got the other day when I called in for a consultation over the phone. He wants me to have more blood work soonest 'cause he saw some very concerning level rises in my last blood work. And here I thought all the lifting and carrying I've been doing would help things. But apparently not, 'cause he wants me to get new blood work. Unfortunately, my doctor is the VA and the closest VA clinic to where I work is not in the region where my care is 'registered' I'll go see the one nearest my work Monday anyway, 'cause they may have a work-around for me due to my 20% SCD rating. Don't complain, you don't live with and climb stairs with my knees! I do the 'stair-master' at work, nearly every day. Or at least the 'step-master' even if it is only four or five times of stepping up an hour…. Or not if I can avoid it!

I stopped at Wal-mart today and picked up a couple of bottles of Glucosimine Chondroitin (my spell checker hates both those spellings but they are what I hear) and a couple of bottles of liquid anti pain meds that go on the skin… AKA a knockoff of something like Absorbine. I needed it, my Asper-creme knockoff is empty and I had bilateral cramps in my legs, going up the insides, from my knees to my groin. I wasn't sure I was going to get up and moving without a walker! So again my car may be mooted if I become unable to walk or drive. The other worry? Just precursors to CANCER, maybe. Of course I couldn't be so lucky as to die in my sleep.

8/8/21

Sunday. And two days in a row at the computer! Now to do something other than meander. Well I did start several projects, but none are really calling. The muse gets that way I guess. Go a day or two without paying attention to her and she gets in a snit, just like every other female.

Then there is my mom. I asked if she wanted to go somewhere today. 'I'd rather go with your sister.' but my sister? Neither one of them in the area has a car. I don't either, but I do have (back from my sister who abused it) my dad's Mazda 3000. I don't mind taking my mom around. But at the same time, she thinks I should get some of the 'honey do' list around the place done. Which won't happen unless I can feel more rested, and less stress'd'd! I think I just barely missed breaking 50 hours of brute labor this week. So all the 'honey dos'? They are getting put aside. None of them are much less brute labor than what I do to earn a living.

Going back to the doctor wanting more blood. If I can't get the clinic nearest me to talk to the clinic I usually go to for care, then I have to take a vacation day, and I want to schedule that a couple of weeks in advance, 'cause the boss just announced a $1.00 per hour bonus for being there all the scheduled hours…. And I already took all my sick days being sick and tired of work!

I'm waiting (impatiently) on parts for my motorized rollerskate... As I suspected I have a badly worn inner tie-rod end. Hopefully this week I will have them available and installed. Not work I intend to do. I did enough pounding on plumbing today (with no result) Pipes are age welded together.... so I have to consider another strategy... no room under house to really wrench on them and I can't find my large monkey wrench (not a pipe wrench, but a knock off 'crescent' wrench) older (hopefully galvanized steel) pipes put together with knuckles (trying to avoid busting my knuckles while getting the ones in the pipe to come loose....) PEX going in when I get things apart!

Highway 97 has been closed for a week due to a wild fire. So far I'm safe, north of the fire. But man it has made a mess of the wilderness!