Anne N. Mouse: Blog

So, if I make no moves they will be forced on me. In this case the apartment I'm renting has been sold. I've cleared it of my gear, or belongings and shall turn over the key in a few days....

Wish me luck....🤔
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There is no such thing as not making a decision.

Damn in a way that is so simple, yet it is something that I've avoided acknowledging all my life. So, the question is, which way to move? 'Cause I must move and soon.

I could try to thrash out the pros and cons of various moves here but I shan't.

I do know one thing, not writing in about three years, except for this blog has caused me to be creatively 'constipated' so to speak. I can almost feel the intense urge to create at every level here, yet it takes time to unwind enough to let it out when I'm so physically, and yes psychically exhausted.

So, I must change jobs. I must change places of living. Neither will be comfortable, but where I am (as Jordan Peterson put it) is killing me.

My usual reaction to perceived danger is to freeze. Either figuratively or literally. So every bit of transportation I can lay my hands on (that I own outright) is in need of repair or replacement. Now even if I lived in the center of a city and could walk to my work (which I've done in the past) a car of my own is pretty much an indispensable piece of equipment. In a city as far flung as Redding Ca it is pretty much a necessity to have an auto of some sort. I don't really have enough ready cash to replace one of my beaters, and while repair is probably doable, there are issues with that, in that I was really trying to put away enough to upgrade my transport.

I've got family problems, and I won't say that my intention to maintain an apartment in Redding hasn't exacerbated them, but I'm not sure that I could actually move in with my mom with no escape hatch. We're both magpies (collector birds) and tend to be messy ones as well... So I'm in her way (or she's in mine) and that makes things tough.

I don't like my tendency to freeze. I see it as rank cowardice. After all if I could face it I could meet new people who might have ideas of what I can do about increasing the size of my shovel (Dave Ramsey) by having contacts that might give me clues as to where to look.

I know I shouldn't be so angry with my oldest sister, she has a job she considers her calling and the fascisti in the govt have tried to force that job to provide medical benefits if she has a full time job. Full time being defined by the fascisti as 30 or perhaps less hours (not sure what it is exactly per the 'law') a week (to capture what used to be part time employees) The international owners (I've worked for such places too) have no intention of paying benefits for their employees (or like walmart of paying more than minimum wage) so they schedule less that 20 hours a week so they can call their most reliable employees in of 'extra' but never get over whatever the govt has defined as 'full-time' for which I can't blame them in a way, after all they do actually have to make a profit. Not making a profit is only a bit of fantasy encouraged by the govt, an organization (person) that doesn't make a profit is dead, and profit for someone/thing else.

Some people have asked how they can help me. I'm pretty sure given the current state of affairs that I cannot be helped. I do not really want to leave the area where my mother lives. I'd frankly like to get work that didn't break my body, which my current work is doing.

I find maybe two intertwined issues the first is that I'm a pretty low skilled person. All I've ever done (for the most part) in my life is stupid work (that is stuff that breaks one's body eventually) and whenever I look at job adverts I self-disqualify (imposter syndrome) even body breaking ones. The same goes for forming friendships. I don't think that I lack friends because other people think I'm unlikable necessarily, as much as it is that I believe that no one would like me unless they wanted to use or abuse me.
So my cars have died, my job that is breaking my body has finally gone to 32 hours a week, my mother (who I won't leave) has what Dave Ramsey would call a sort of princess (plus powdered butt syndrome) complex with me. She won't hear of making lunches to go to visit my sister who lives 35 miles away (neither she nor my sister will even discuss a budget with me [I just want to control their lives {honest I just want them to admit reality}]) so I am having difficulty even guessing what my spending is, other than every dollar I earn enabling my youngest sister (who is not the one 35 miles away from my mother) my mother and my oldest sister, plus indulging myself with an escape hatch of an apartment 110 miles away from my mother...
All of which means that my output of creativity is pretty much at an end. Maybe even my life, I don't know what to do, but I can't continue as I am.

One thing I try to do is continue my education. In that vein I'm watching a docu-drama on the life of Nancy Wake. Looking at it, looking at her life, I feel that I'm a coward in the face of the developing world wide fascism that I see on the horizon.
If you here expected me not to occasionally, or more than occasionally write on 'politics' or more precisely the current and developing world situation then you have been reading the wrong author.
First if you think that the currently forming world wide junta won't come for us, maybe me first, then you are foolish. We are a part of the resistance, whether or not we like it because we represent that which is on the edge, that which is uncontrollable by a world wide state that is increasingly obsessed with controlling every aspect of our life.
I guess my question is this: Who in this age of coming terror will be worthy of the Nancy Wake award for courage in the face of tyranny. I know it won't be me, I'm a very weak reed indeed.