Fan Fiction Story: The Blacklist. This is my take on what occurs after Ressler shoots at Bobby Jonica in Ep. 1x16 Mako Tanida.
As he contemplates his actions since he'd lost Audrey, sitting in the street, willing her not to leave him. All that training, all that discipline to be the best FBI agent he could be had been tossed aside in a heartbeat. He'd lost himself in blind hate and revenge. "How can I go back to being 'by the book Special Agent Ressler' after I've done this?! I'm no different to Reddington!"