Chapter 1

He dropped his arm as the echo of the gunshots faded away through the snow laden trees. He was completely numb, emotionally and physically, not even noticing that his body was so cold his hands were purple. He knew why he'd fired. He'd had to release something – anything - before his head exploded. It had startled Keen and Malik, and scared Jonica as the shots rang out, but Ressler didn't notice. He'd been standing in the snow, torn between Keen begging him not to kill Jonica, while Jonica goaded him to shoot. He'd fired, oblivious to the irony that he'd actually done what both of them were telling him to do, ever the company man. He'd pulled the trigger over and over, deliberately missing Bobby by aiming his shots to the right of the man's head.

"Donnie, I'm sorry..." he heard Bobby moan over and over, but Ressler didn't care. Sorry wasn't good enough. Sorry didn't cut it. He drew his eyes away from Bobby, dropping his gaze, suddenly feeling completely and utterly spent. He slowly walked toward Keen, knowing full well this was an 'agent involved shooting' and he must surrender his weapon. Somewhere in the depths of his mind, protocol was still alive and well.

He kept walking toward Keen, the snow crunching under his frozen feet. Passing her by, he extended his arm to her as she gently took his weapon from him. He didn't look at her, didn't see the hurt in her eyes. He was aware of her hand reaching out and touching his arm, wanting to comfort him, but he didn't want it. He pulled his arm out of her reach and kept walking away.

He heard the blade being unsheathed and stopped, turning his head to the right in time to see Jonica plunging Tanida's knife below his vest. Ressler felt nothing. He'd just stood for what felt like forever, facing Bobby with his gun, yelling at him to end his life or he'd do it for him. He'd begged him to pick up the knife, yet felt nothing when Jonica suddenly did and took his life.

Impassive, he turned and walked steadily back up the hill in the deep snow, still unaware of how wet and cold he was. Keen and Malik followed some distance behind him, while other agents saw to Jonica's body. Ressler returned to the overturned vehicle and looked inside for Tanida. He was gone. He crawled inside, seeing the empty cuffs, and flung them down. How the heck did he get away? He made his way back out of the vehicle and stood, looking out to the trees. Tanida should be easy to find in this snow and several agents were already walking the perimeter. He was aware of Keen behind him again, and turned and looked down at her, almost looking through her.

She reached her hand up toward him again, but not to touch him. She knew better this time. Motioning to the other vehicle, he understood. Time to go. With a final look around at the snowy landscape, he walked silently behind her to the black Suburban. She held the passenger door open for him and he climbed in, keeping his gaze out the window. Walking to the driver's side, she looked at him, wanting to say something, yet thought better of it and started the ignition. She followed Malik who was in the lead car, back toward the city.

Ressler's mind was swirling with how his world had been turned upside down in little more than 24 hours. Audrey was gone. Audrey! I told you to stay with me! He'd told Reddington all he felt was hate, but he knew now that wasn't true. Underneath that was great sorrow and grief. Red had been right about that. Damn the man!

And what of his actions since he'd lost Audrey, sitting in the street, willing her not to leave him? He'd dismissed his security detail, schemed with Jonica, shot people while hunting down Tanida, kidnapped the man, and would have killed him. The realization hit him that he had turned into the person he'd been hunting for 5 years. He'd done just what Red had done when he lost his family. Red had warned him, but he hadn't listened. Red knew what stepping into the darkness felt like, and now Ressler knew it too.

All that training, all that discipline to be the best FBI agent he could be had been tossed aside in a heartbeat. He'd lost himself in blind hate and revenge. How can I go back to being "by the book Special Agent Ressler" after I've done this?! I'm no different to Reddington! Panic rose in him, and he grasped the door rest, suddenly feeling claustrophobic in the confined space. No, no, no, no! He was swallowing hard, trying to control himself. Closing his eyes, he pushed his head back into the headrest, trying to open up his airway. Calm down! He was breathing fast and hard, unable to take a full breath.

Keen looked quickly at him, knowing he was in trouble. She was supposed to get Ressler back to the Post Office where Cooper needed to talk to him, but it was clear she needed to give him some time to collect himself first. She picked up the radio and called Malik, telling her they were making a stop. Malik asked if everything was okay, and if she needed to turn back, but Keen sent her on her way.

"Tell Cooper we'll be there soon." She told Malik, looking at Ressler, who was frantically gulping for air.

She quickly pulled over at an empty truck stop, parking under some trees on the edge of the snowy landscape. Ressler didn't even seem to notice, keeping his eyes closed and breathing hard. Why is it so hard to breathe? He couldn't take in a full breath. His chest was going to explode. Audrey!

"Ressler ... Don..." said Keen quickly. He barely heard her before he felt her hand suddenly on his forearm, but he didn't pull it away this time. He was trying so hard to keep his breathing in order, keeping his eyes closed to block out everything. Don't you dare lose it in front of her!

"Don..." She repeated, moving her hand down to hold his clenched fist. The warmth on his frigid cold hand suddenly felt safe, and instinctively he turned his hand upside down and held hers firmly. What is wrong with you? Let go of her hand! She returned the grip, holding onto his cold hand.

"I'm here ... it's okay Don ... breathe in, and breathe out ... steady..." She spoke softly to him, knowing he could hyperventilate if this continued. Damn it Keen, I'm trying! He couldn't do it though, not with her right there and her hand clutching his. He let out a gasp, and she moved closer to him. No!

"I'm right here ... look at me and breathe with me ... breathe in, and let it out..." She said soothingly, trying to help him get his breathing under control, but he wouldn't look at her.

He gasped again, trying desperately to keep it together, but it was no use. In one motion, he withdrew his hand from her grip, had the door open and was out of the vehicle, running. He ran to the only place he could find cover, that being the truck stop bathrooms. He ran to the wall, leaned against it heavily and suddenly vomited onto the concrete. Still retching, he ran inside, slammed his back against the wall and sank to the concrete floor, dropping his face into his hands.

Arms were suddenly around him as Keen crouched beside him. Damn it Keen! Leave me alone! His mind screamed at her. No! I don't want you to do this! But his body had other ideas. His arms reached up around her back, as he buried his face in her neck, clinging to her as the tears finally flowed. He shook as she held him tight, the pain of the last 24 hours pouring out of him.