Chapter 3

Ressler stood on the river bank, seeing, but not really taking much notice of the river flowing by. It was cold, and the breeze tugged at his coat and ruffled his hair. He'd stood in this very spot twice just a few days ago. Both times he'd met with Reddington. And in between those two meetings with Red, his world had fallen apart as Audrey took a bullet meant for him.

In the five days since he'd lost her – and perhaps his child - his emotions had run the full spectrum. The sheer panic that had risen in him as she was dying had given way to shock in the immediate aftermath. That shock had quickly been replaced by anger as his adrenalin took over. That anger had grown into hate that had then driven and sustained him until desperation and pain overtook him in the snow. Then it had all come crashing down and he'd broken down under the weight of it all, before he had shut down completely.

He'd stepped into unfamiliar territory by needing others to help him through that. Not others. Her. Through this entire nightmare he was faced with one undeniable truth. He had needed Elizabeth Keen - and she had been there for him. She had sat with him as he'd cried, prepared meals for him that he'd barely touched, made sure he got his concussion checked, and had held him together. Literally... The memory of her holding him tight as he'd sobbed wasn't one he'd soon forget. He'd been embarrassed after, but she had felt so safe that he'd clung to her desperately. He didn't know how he was supposed to feel about that. Nothing. She's a married woman. You feel nothing about that.

He heard a car door behind him, bringing him back to the present as he heard footsteps approaching.

"You okay... ?" she asked him.

She was bundled up against the cold, her hands shoved in her coat pockets as he turned his head to her. He was immediately struck by how impossibly blue her eyes looked against the white landscape. But you feel nothing about that. He looked quickly away, and then looked back at her before replying.

"Yeah, I'm fine Liz." He knew she didn't believe him.

She smiled softly, then looped her arm in his, encouraging him.

"You ready... ?" she asked gently.

No, but let's do this anyway. He took one last look at the river, and then nodded to her before they headed back up to her car. She didn't ask why he'd wanted to meet here instead of her picking him up from his apartment. It was obviously important to him, and she didn't pry.

"Liz, you don't need to do this if you don't..." he managed to get out before she stopped him with one look. Time to shut up. He knew that look.

He hesitated, and then climbed in the passenger side. It occurred to him that their driving arrangements reflected their ... relationship ... He had always driven. But when he'd fallen apart, she had immediately taken over the driving. I need to get back in the drivers seat...

Ten minutes later they pulled into Fairlawn Cemetery, winding their way through snow plowed roads before parking. He looked at the nearby gravestones out his window, before looking at her suddenly.

"I forgot flowers. I didn't bring her any flowers..."

She gave him a soft smile as she reached into the back seat, where he saw a small bouquet that she'd brought with her. She handed them to him before gently squeezing his arm. He didn't think he'd ever felt more grateful toward her than he did in that instant.

He took in a deep breath, braced himself and climbed out of the car. They could see the small gathering up a slight hill from where they'd parked. She again looped her arm in his, and together they walked toward Audrey's burial.

He stopped before they got there though, seeking cover under an overhanging tree. I don't want to go up there now. She looked at him, seeing the uncertainty in his face.

"This is close enough..." He said shakily. I can't face her family. She tried to encourage him by taking another step, but he didn't move. No. Here is fine. They were within earshot, standing behind the gathered mourners who had not noticed them there. She understood, and continued to hold his arm as the service began.

The preacher welcomed Audrey's family and friends. He spoke of earth's loss being Heaven's gain, before praying. Ressler recognized Audrey's sister when she stood up. She spoke of the lives her sister had touched, and of the profound loss to all of those who had loved her. I was one of them. Ressler could feel himself tensing up at every word, and felt his chest tightening. His breathing was getting short. Keep it together.

Keen looked up at him, feeling the shivers running through him as he breathed faster. He felt like a coiled spring against her and she slipped her hand in his. He gripped her hand hard in return, before dropping his gaze and swallowing hard, blinking back tears.