Chapter 21: Back to School

-- MONDAY, AUGUST 22, 2005, SUMMER BREAK --

I still had my key, and the lock opened obediently. But rather than step inside, I simply let the door swing out before me.

I stood on the porch, just breathing deep breaths. Suddenly, I felt guilty for opening the door. I didn't belong here anymore, and there was an uneasiness in my stomach as I realized that I was trespassing in some way. So I just stood there outside the apartment, still barefoot and wearing only my pajama pants and loose T-shirt, belatedly thinking I should reach out and ring the doorbell.

But before I could, Amber's bedroom door opened. Looking over to me, she commented, "I thought I heard the door."

Still wearing her own pajamas, her beautiful face scrubbed free of any makeup, she slowly approached. When she got a few feet in front of me, she took note of my location, frowned, and asked, "Are you just going to stand outside?"

I sighed before replying, "This isn't my home anymore. I haven't been invited in yet."

Amber's lip quivered, and she looked on the verge of tears. But steeling herself at the last moment, she took a deep breath and turned away, waving me in as she headed for the couch.

I followed after, closing the door behind me. Amber tucked herself into a corner of the couch, pressing back until she felt the reassuring support of the backrest and armrest pinching against her from either side. She pulled her knees up to her chest and raised her feet onto the couch cushion. And then hugging her knees the same way she'd done last night, the forlorn-looking blonde stared at me with a world of pain in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," I began. "I really wish things didn't have to be this way."

As soon as I said the words, I expected her to immediately protest 'They don't have to' or something else that would encourage us to stay together. But nodding her head slowly, she instead replied, "Me, too. But I understand."

My eyebrows popped as I took the seat beside her, roughly in the middle of the couch so that I wasn't too close to her but not too far away, either. "You do?"

She continued nodding. "It's not fair what I did to you. I led you on. I made you believe I was falling in love with you. But the whole time, I still wanted to be with him. I didn't realize it, but that's what happened. E-Beth was right: I've been rebounding."

"Rebounding?"

Amber cracked a smile. "Yeah. Two years after my breakup, I'm only now rebounding. My heart had been turned off that entire time, but I never really got over David. I latched onto you, trying to recapture what I had with him. And I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have done that to you."

I shook my head slowly. "It's okay. I actually understand exactly why you did."

She gave me a frank look. "Because you've been rebounding with me?"

I grimaced. I didn't want to think of it that way. For one thing, I had my rebound relationship with Lynne already, so the second one wasn't supposed be a rebound, was it? And more importantly, I actually thought I'd been doing a very good job of NOT seeing Dawn in her. Despite their physical similarities, they really were two very different people. And while my relationship with Amber had been really, really passionate, I wanted to believe that I hadn't completely lost my head the way I had with DJ after breaking up with Adrienne.

But perhaps wanting to assuage Amber's guilt, I sighed and answered, "Maybe. After all, Dawn dumped me only three months ago as well."

"So what now?"

I took a deep breath. "Now, I move out. Well, first I need to get dressed. I've got to be at work in half an hour."

She nodded. "So do I."

"And then after work, I'll come back here and start packing up. There're only a few days left in the week, and I can handle the commute back and forth from Berkeley."

Sad, Amber took a deep breath but nodded her understanding. I took that as my cue to get up and start putting on some clothes. But before I got off the couch, she reached out and grabbed my T-shirt. Tugging me back to her, she quickly grabbed my head and planted a soulful kiss on my lips. Familiar affection and longing for the girl who had been my dear girlfriend for the past few weeks allowed me to lose myself in that kiss, tasting her sweetness for perhaps the last time.

Neither of us broke away from the kiss for a long while. Even if our heads understood that we had to break up, I don't think either of our hearts really wanted to. It was scary, to think of being alone. No matter what other people were waiting for us, it had been very comforting to have each other. Not for the first time this morning, I wished there was some way we could stay together.

But we couldn't. She belonged with David. I liked to think that I belonged with Dawn. Actually, I wasn't totally sure anymore. But one way or another, Amber had to deal with the lingering emotions she felt for her ex-boyfriend; and really, I needed to do the same.

I broke the kiss first. Amber whimpered, holding onto my T-shirt with a look that clearly pleaded once again 'Don't leave me'. But I just stared apologetically into her blue eyes, waiting until she took a deep breath and finally let go of me. If it were up to her, she'd hang onto me, using me as a crutch until she finally got her David-issues resolved. But that wouldn't be fair to me, and she knew it.

Finally, Amber let me go. And with only an apologetic look, I stood up and went into what had been our bedroom to change.

I still had my key, and the lock opened obediently. But rather than step inside, I simply let the door swing out before me.

I stood on the porch, just breathing deep breaths. The door creaked noticeably as it swung, the hinges having gone more than two months without use. I filed that sound away in my head, knowing that I would need to WD-40 them. It was just one of a zillion little housekeeping tasks I would need to take care of in the next few days before my roommates returned.

Everything about the Berkeley house was just as I'd left it, albeit with a fine layer of dust covering just about everything. It would have been nice to be able to leave the house and have the place hermetically sealed, to be opened as fresh as the day I'd walked out. But that wasn't the case, not in a house this old.

Beyond the dust, there were spider webs that had formed in corners of the rooms. A thousand of the little critters had probably moved in. I could already imagine the stench coming from the garbage disposal that hadn't been used since June 13th, the drain flies that had procreated in the bathrooms. The mattresses would need to be dusted outside. The floors would need to be vacuumed. At least I'd covered the couches and a couple other big pieces of furniture with drop cloths to keep them from getting completely dusted over.

That was okay. The work, while tedious, was simple. It would keep me occupied, keep my mind busy. So with one more deep breath, I took a step into the house, and then I got to work. For now, that visit to Dawn would have to wait.

Tomorrow, I promised myself. You're going over there tomorrow.

--TUESDAY, AUGUST 23, 2005, SUMMER BREAK --

A stray beam of sunlight woke me up in the morning. It was probably a good thing it had, because I'd forgotten to set an alarm last night. And with over an hour-long commute to work ahead of me, I didn't have much time to dilly-dally.

Grimacing against the light, I picked my head up and looked around. The Master bedroom of the house was a familiar sight, but a somewhat unexpected one. I'd gotten used to waking up in Amber's bedroom, and in Lynne's second bedroom before that. Faced with the nostalgia of not having either of those two very special young women near me, it didn't seem such a big deal to not have Dawn's head on the pillow beside me, either. Last night, I'd been weighing the decision whether to put my recently-laundered bedsheets onto the King-bed in the Master or to hide out in DJ's bedroom once again. But deciding that I couldn't avoid the Dawn-issue any longer, I'd taken the mental step forward of just going ahead and moving into the bedroom I intended to occupy for the duration of my Senior Year.

Even knowing I needed to get a move on in order to make it to work on time, I didn't want to get up. In addition to staying up past midnight watching whatever showed up on the television, I'd made the mistake of eating a bowl of ramen just before bedtime. Maruchan's Revenge got me around 4am, and I'd spent about twenty minutes on the porcelain throne squirting yellow-colored paste out of my ass while my ab muscles clenched so hard I wanted to cry. Needless to say, it wasn't a very good night's sleep overall and I wanted nothing more than to close my eyes and rest for another four hours.

But work could not be blown off. Groaning, I stretched my arms out to the sides and then up before awkwardly banging my left fist against the headboard. The unexpected impact woke me up more than the sunlight had, and as I exhaled, I felt my limbs coming alive. I also happened to feel just how throbbingly-hard my morning erection was, and without thinking about it, I slipped my hand into my shorts and gave the shaft a few quick tugs.

The single best thing about my old life was always having a willing female to take care of these things for me. Well, that's hyperbole. There were probably much better things about my old life, but in this very moment, the thing I missed the most was having some hot babe to duck her head beneath the blankets and give me a welcoming morning blowjob. There really are few better ways to start off a day.

But it was just me. I lay all alone in this big, empty house, with nothing but excess spiders around for company. Brooke and DJ were still in Orange County. Brandi and Dayna were in San Francisco. Kim was at home in Sunnyvale. Lynne and Amber were in Palo Alto. And Dawn was probably at home as well.

Just me and my right hand. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

I gave my prick a few more half-hearted tugs, unable to completely leave it alone. But feeling depressed over my loneliness, I soon lost mental interest. Thinking of Amber's hot body just made me miss her. Thinking of Dawn's supple curves made me feel even worse. But despite these mournful thoughts, my stupid boner wouldn't go away. And as I sat up in bed and swung my legs over the edge, I felt the urge to pee.

Staring at the erect column still poking upward at about a 45-degree angle in my boxers, I sighed and groaned. Fuck.

But then inspiration struck. Arching an eyebrow, I turned to look at the bedside table. The top drawer had long held various sex toys and bottles of lube. But in the drawer beneath ... Was it still there? I leaned over, reaching down and tugging the lower drawer out. And sure enough, right in front of me was a picture of a pretty blonde holding up the top of her red bikini against her breasts. Behind her head read the title "SPORTS ILLUSTRATED", and fishing out the magazine, I quickly flipped through the pages until I found the photo I really wanted to look at.

Adrienne's golden blonde hair hung over one shoulder while she lay on her side, half-covered in wet sand. Her aqua-blue bikini top was undone, so that she had to conceal her nakedness with one arm. Her right hand tried desperately to cover up her left breast, failing to do so and letting titflesh peek out from every side. But my eyes were drawn right to where the nipple should be. That spot was covered up by the base of Adrienne's fourth finger, and more specifically, by my promise ring.

The mere sight of the little diamond amidst the gold leaf flower did wonders for lifting my spirits. That was all I really needed, and as a smile spread across my face, I lay back against the pillows stacked against the headboard. I folded the magazine so I could hold it up with just my left hand; my right hand had become rather busy. Sighing rapturously, I let my eyes rove up and down the golden goddess's nearly naked body. And in less than three minutes, I closed my eyes and groaned as hot spurts splattered into the tissues I'd placed over my mushroom head just in time.

Not as good as having her in person. But it was nice to know that Adrienne was still here for me in some form when I really needed her.

I burped as I closed up the paper carton that had contained my recently-devoured Six Dollar Burger. The commercials claimed that without them, some guys would starve. In my case, they might have been right.

I'd been horribly spoiled never having to cook in my entire life. I'd grown up in a household full of women, all of them eager chefs. After moving to college, my female roommates were constantly in the kitchen. And even at Stanford, Lynne and Noelle had spoiled me with their culinary skills. Only Amber wasn't much of a cook, but we went out to eat constantly, and she was big on paying for most of those meals. Neither of us wanted to waste time preparing the food or cleaning up after. That time was better spent getting naked and sweaty.

Tossing the carton into the recycled brown bag my dinner had come in, I stood up and took the entire thing into the kitchen trash. Then taking a deep breath, I thought about the work ahead of me.

Having vacuumed the entire house the evening before, I first would put down a full layer of Home Defense chemicals around every baseboard and nook and cranny to help keep bugs from crawling out of the walls. A hallway light bulb had died sometime in the two months I was gone, and that needed to be replaced. And since my entire previous evening had been spent vacuuming, dusting, and killing spiders, I had yet to do the bathrooms.

Plus, even if I finished with the interior of the house, I still needed to go outside and pull weeds and do some other gardening.

But first, I had to re-organize all my clothes in the Master bedroom's closet. Now sounded like a good time to meticulously re-fold anything that had been crammed into my suitcases and taken off to Stanford.

For now, that visit to Dawn would have to wait.

Tomorrow, I promised myself. You're going over there tomorrow.

-- WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24, 2005, SUMMER BREAK --

I was tired. Mostly I was tired from a long day at work. With only three days left of our internship, everything was coming to a head. Our Engineer Hieu practically lived at BioGen trying to get our numbers to line up. And I had stayed at work until 8pm organizing and re-writing whole sections of our final report.

I'd justified the late working hours this whole week with the knowledge that I'd be driving home after rush hour. But tonight, a SigAlert had closed 880 around San Ramon, and I didn't get home until nearly 10 o'clock.

It was too late to visit Dawn. Not my fault.

You wouldn't have even HIT that SigAlert if you'd just driven directly from Palo Alto to Dawn's house, dumbass.

I still haven't done the gardening. Those weeds aren't going to kill themselves.

Fuck the damn weeds. What, like anyone is around to care? Besides, it's almost 10 at night and you can't see a damn thing outside. You're procrastinating.

Fine, I'm procrastinating. What's anybody going to do about it?

Nothing. I'm just pointing it out.

What am I going to say to her anyway? I haven't spoken a single word to her since she left Berkeley, save for that one awkward birthday call. I don't know if she misses me or doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't know if she wants to get back together or stay broken up. I don't even know if she's planning on moving back into the house!

Well somebody knows. Call her mom.

No. If I call her house, she might pick up. I can't take the risk of talking to her.

Isn't that the point?

Not when I don't know what I'm going to say to her.

Fine. Call someone else who might know something. Call Dayna. You're still on good terms with her.

Dayna? Huh, there's an idea. But I haven't finished the weeds.

BEN!

Fine, fine.

I sighed, looking around. I didn't know where my phone was. Maybe this wasn't worth it.

BEN!

Alright, alright ... I got up, digging into my pocket where my cell phone had been the entire time. Quickly flipping down the alphabetized contact list, I felt a chill pass over my heart as I scrolled across the name, "DAWN".

Do it. Press it.

Taking a deep breath, my thumb reached for the talk button. But just before I pressed it, I hit the down arrow once and then hit TALK. Obediently, my cell phone started calling Dayna.

She didn't pick up. Setting the phone down onto the coffee table, I got up and started heading for the door. Those weeds weren't going to kill themselves.

[Da-da-DUN-da-da-da-da-da... ]

My bubbly pop song ringtone went off and the phone started vibrating on the table. I reluctantly returned to it and opened up the clamshell. "Hi, Dayna."

"Hey, you called? What's up?"

"Uh ... well..." I stumbled.

"How's that gorgeous girlfriend of yours?" Dayna filled in my awkward pause. "I miss her. Think you guys might want to come visit this weekend?"

"Oh, uh, actually ... We broke up."

Dayna gasped. "WHAT?!? Why? What's going on?"

"That's not actually why I'm calling-"

"Details! I want details!"

"Dayna, please."

She obediently shut up, but whimpered. I could practically hear her fidgeting anxiously on the other end of the line.

"I'm calling about Dawn."

"Ohhh..." Dayna calmed down immediately. As curious as she was about Amber, she understood it had to be serious if I was finally asking about her little sister.

"How is she?"

"Uh ... Well..."

My heart sank. "That bad?"

"What? No, no. It's just ... I actually haven't talked to her much."

"You haven't?"

"She's been out and about a lot. Mom says she doesn't spend much time at home, hanging out with her friends instead. I don't really know what she's up to."

"But you have talked to her a little, haven't you?"

"Of course. I'm her sister. I've gone back home a couple of times, so we cross paths. She can't just shut me out like she does to you, but she still hasn't been big on sharing with me."

I sighed. "Yeah ... sharing what's going on in her head isn't one of Dawn's strong points." I was surprised by the harshness of my tone.

"I've asked her about things, I have," Dayna insisted. "She's been pretty talkative about her road trip and the things she's doing with Gwen and Robin. But anything concerning you has been a taboo subject in that house. Mom can't get through to her, either. As long as we're talking about casual stuff, everything is fine. But the instant one of us asks her about you, she clams right up and gets mad at us."

"Oh..."

"Look at the bright side. It means she still cares about you. If she didn't, she wouldn't be so adamant about not talking about you."

"I guess."

"I just think she's still confused. She goes off on her own and does a lot of thinking from what Mom says."

"Going off alone?" I wondered. "Do you think she's ... ah ... well ... Is she seeing anybody?"

"You mean like dating? No. Not at all. I was wondering that myself when Mom told me how much time she spends away from home. But she always comes back, and she doesn't go out to parties or anything like that. Gwen has even asked me if I knew any guys to introduce to Dawn. Gwen seems to think that getting her to date again would be healthy, but she says that Dawn outright refuses."

"Oh ... uh ... okay." I was actually relieved to hear that. Of course, I immediately felt guilty, thinking of all the sexual encounters I'd had in the three months since our breakup, not to mention two girls I honestly considered to be girlfriends in Lynne and Amber. But guilty or not, I was still relieved.

"If you ask me, the only one that's going to get through to her is you."

"What do you mean?"

"She's not talking to any of us. She's not even talking much to Gwen and Robin about you, either. Whatever her feelings are, she's not saying."

I sighed. "I see."

"You need to talk to her. Whatever happened with you and Amber, I'm guessing it has something to do with your feelings for Dawn?"

"It's ... complicated."

"It always is. But Dawn is a part of it, isn't she?"

"She is," I admitted.

"Of course. I don't think it's possible for you two to ever completely extricate yourselves from each other's lives, no matter how hard she seems to be trying right now."

"But she IS trying? To keep me out of her life?"

"Uh, well, I didn't say that..."

I sighed. "Thanks Dayna."

"Wait, Ben. You can't just give up."

"I'm not giving up. I'm going to go over there and talk to her."

"When?"

"Tomorrow. It's after 10 already."

"You promise?"

"Sure. Tomorrow."

-- THURSDAY, AUGUST 25, 2005, SUMMER BREAK --

She didn't answer the first time I rang the doorbell, or the second. Fidgeting, I started to worry that I'd driven over here for nothing. Maybe she was out. After all, it wasn't like she spent her entire life just waiting for me to show up. She was a busy girl with other priorities in her life.

Oh, well. I'd tried, right?

I turned and walked away, approaching the stairs that would take me back down to the ground level. But just as I dropped onto the next step, I heard a latch unlock behind me. Twisting around, I saw the door open, and Amber stuck her damp head out the crack. "Ben? I thought I heard the doorbell."

"Hey, did I come at a bad time?"

"No, no. Just getting out of the shower. Sorry I didn't open sooner. It took me this long to check the peephole and I'm not exactly dressed. Come on in."

Nodding, I approached while Amber remained half-hidden behind the door. I briefly thought she was naked, but as I came around I found that she'd wrapped a plush towel around her torso, revealing the upper slopes of her tits and a good bit of leg. Without exposing herself to the outside, she backed away and then closed the door behind me. And then gesturing to the couch, she offered, "Make yourself at home."

I nodded, my eyes yo-yoing down to her tits.

Amber caught my look, and a little smirk crossed her face. With twinkling eyes, she dramatically opened up the towel, spreading it to her sides like a cape. My jaw dropped as I drank in the sight of her glorious breasts, taut belly, and neatly-trimmed pussy. But a second later, she closed up the towel again and clutched it to her chest. "See, if you were still my boyfriend, I would have invited you into my room for a good shagging."

Staring at the spot where her tits used to be, I sighed and then picked my gaze up to meet hers. "Your loss, too."

She quieted at that, and nodded. With tightness in her eyes, she gave me a plaintive look and asked quietly, "Wanna skip the whole breakup part and go right back to being in love?"

My throat was tight.

"You'd get to fuck me again," she offered, opening her towel back up.

Horny and hungry for her, I got up off the couch. I'd had only the single orgasm while jerking off to Adrienne's magazine since leaving Amber's four days ago, and the sexual creature inside was getting antsy. But before I could take two steps toward her, Amber suddenly turned her back to me and cinched the towel around her torso. "No, no. You're right. This is for the best," she sighed. "Gawd, you're going to have to stop coming by, or I'm never going to get over you."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize."

"The last day of my internship is tomorrow. After that, I'll be back in Berkeley full-time."

"Okay." She took a deep breath. "Stay here. I'm going to go change."

I nodded and backed up to the couch again, sitting down. I looked around the apartment, reminiscing about the good times with Amber for a few minutes. She returned more quickly than I expected, dressed in familiar sheer satin pajama pants and a matching button-down top without a bra. My eyes went to the hard nipples headlighting me through the thin material, and after two steps forward, Amber followed my gaze. Gulping, Amber changed her mind and went back into her room. And a minute later, she came back out wearing the exact same pajama set, only this time with a bra beneath.

"Sorry," she apologized. "Too tempting ... for both of us."

"I understand."

"So what brings you over here?" she asked, taking the seat on the couch next to me.

"I wanted to see how you're doing. Been thinking about you a lot this week."

"Me, too. Well, if I'm going to be fully honest, I've been thinking about you AND David."

I blushed and smiled. "Me, too. Well, I haven't been thinking about David."

"Have you talked to her, yet?"

I shook my head in the negative. "Have you?"

"Talked to Dawn? No, not yet." Amber giggled.

I just rolled my eyes by way of response.

Amber sighed and said, "Actually, I think it would be easier for me to talk to Dawn than to call David, you know?"

"I know."

"It's easier for you, though, isn't it? Doesn't she live not too far away from here?"

I nodded. "But it's the hardest thing in the world for me to get behind the wheel and drive in that direction."

Amber sighed. "Why can't our lives just be simple? I love him, he loves me, we get back together and happily ever after, right?"

I snorted. "Would be great if you could be sure that's how it's going to go. But what if she doesn't love me?"

"That's just it, isn't it? As long as I stay here, NOT calling him, everything's unknown."

"Maybe she'll take me back. Maybe she won't."

"It's undecided. 50-50. There's still hope."

"But if I call her..."

"Maybe he says he doesn't love me anymore. Maybe he's moved on and wants to leave me in the past."

"Hope dashed. It's all over. Nothing but crushing rejection."

"Better to stay in this limbo of not knowing..."

" ... than risk getting my heart broken again."

Amber nodded. Taking a deep breath, she leaned an elbow against the backrest and then dropped the side of her head against her open palm. "Why do I feel like I'm in High School, too nervous to ask a cute boy out on a date?"

"Love is love, no matter what age."

Amber smiled. "You really get me, you know that? It's one of the reasons I fell in love with you."

I blinked, worried that we were slipping down that path again. "Uh ... thanks?"

Amber giggled, shaking her head. "This is tragic, you know. I feel like we could've been such a perfect couple, if it weren't for these ... these... soulmates from our past."

I smiled and thought of Allie Sanders. "Do we necessarily have just a single soulmate, and our lives would go unfulfilled if we didn't end up with them? Or do we have a number of 'compatible souls', any one of whom would make us just as happy as any other?"

"I have a soulmate," Amber stated firmly, giving me a shrug and an apologetic look. "His name is David."

I sighed. "I think I have a soulmate, but I'm afraid if she is. I'd rather think that I have a few compatible souls, one of which is you."

"But then that would mean you'd want to stay with me instead of getting back together with Dawn."

"Or find one of the other compatible souls who might make me happy," I pointed out. Turning my head away, I exhaled heavily. "I'm not even entirely sure I want to get back together with Dawn. I've had a lot of time to think ever since the breakup, and a part of me is wondering if we aren't better off apart."

"What do you mean? Wasn't that the entire point of our breakup? For me to get back together with David and you back with Dawn?"

I shook my head. "You belong with David. At the very least, you're still desperately in love with him, and you've effected all this change in your life just for him. I broke up with you because you're hung up on him, not because I thought anything was lacking between you and me."

She frowned. "So you don't want to be with her?"

I sighed. "If I'm to be completely honest with myself, I would have been perfectly happy to stay with you."

Amber got the implication, and frowned at me with doe eyes. "I'm sorry, Ben. Really, I'm sorry."

I shook my head. "It's okay. I actually understand what it's like to believe in that soulmate."

"But you don't anymore?"

I sighed. "You'd have to know the history I've had with Dawn. We grew up together. Our parents envisioned our marriage when we were only months old. They filled our heads with a lot of notions, notions that I'm just not sure I trust anymore. At one time, I did believe Dawn was my soulmate."

"But not anymore," Amber stated more evenly.