Chapter 20: True Feelings

-- WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10, 2005, SUMMER BREAK --

I pulled the BMW into the long Atherton driveway and parked alone just in front of the house. After circling around the car, I helped Amber out of her seat. And as I closed the door, I gestured to the mansion and commented, "Sweet place, huh?"

Amber's eyes just glittered as she smiled at me. "Mine's bigger."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, well real estate is probably cheaper than the Bay Area."

"True."

Amber and I then walked hand-in-hand up the flagstone pavers to the large entryway and rang the doorbell. A second later, I thought about exactly who I was about to introduce Amber to and turned to my girlfriend. "Uh, you let me meet Cameron and shared with me a pretty intense part of your history. I just want to warn you that my own history with Paige is pretty complicated. I mean, I told you about her pregnancy and all. It's just ... Paige has a habit of being rather ... affectionate."

Just then, the door opened and a fireball of auburn hair and excessive energy burst through, hitting me right in the chest and nearly bowling me over. Expecting it, I simply took a step back to absorb the impact, sliding my hands down to catch Paige in my arms. "Hiya, Red," I greeted.

"Ben!" Cheerily, she nuzzled her nose against mine before stealing a quick kiss from my lips. A moment later, she realized there was a young woman standing beside me and immediately dropped her feet to the ground. "Oops. Uh, sorry about that."

Amber just giggled mirthfully. "Don't worry about it. I'm used to girls throwing themselves at him. And he did just warn me."

"I don't know if Ben told you our history yet. I feel like I owe him my life."

"Uh, he told me about taking you in after you became pregnant and caring for you until your Aunt and Uncle came by." Amber waved at the house in reference. "It takes a really special guy to do that."

Paige giggled and hugged herself against my chest. "So he didn't even tell you the hero part."

Amber popped her eyebrows. "Taking in a pregnant girl isn't heroic enough?"

Paige giggled. "First day we ever met, there were two guys attacking me in the street. I was sure they were going to drag me off into some bushes and rape me. I just knew it. But out of nowhere, this big lug comes swooping in and kicks the crap out of them. Saved my life. Saved my virginity, even. He'll always be my hero."

Out of the blue, Amber spaced out on me again. But unlike previous times, she didn't come right back to Earth a few seconds later. This time, she shook her head and immediately stepped away from us, walking off the front patio and across a few of the flagstone pavers before coming to a stop with her head down.

Immediately, I let go of Paige and went over to my girlfriend. I touched her arm, and she jerked a head around to me, tear tracks already evident on her cheeks. "Hey ... what's wrong?"

Paige was suddenly behind us. "Um, was it something I said?"

Amber quickly turned back to us, sniffling and wiping her eyes. "I'm sorry. That was terribly rude of me."

I shook my head. "It's okay. What just happened?"

"It's nothing."

"Clearly, it's not 'nothing'."

"I'm fine," she stated stubbornly. Sniffling, Amber took a deep breath. And then extending her hand, she said, "Let's start over. I'm Amber. Very pleased to meet you."

"Paige," the redhead replied, shaking the proffered hand. But then she still gave me a look of some concern.

Amber forced a bright smile, clearly seeking to change the subject. And gesturing up to the house, she asked, "Can I see the baby?"

Paige immediately grinned, always thrilled to show off April. "Absolutely. Come on in."

Eleven months old today, little April was by definition a toddler. She couldn't walk very much, but she could toddle forward about three or four steps before collapsing into an adult's arms, something she apparently loved to do.

Uncle Frank and Aunt Polly sat on the floor about six feet apart with their knees up like a corral. The baby girl with pretty dark auburn hair laughed delightedly as she wobbled forward, with Uncle Frank letting go of her waist so that she would stumble a few steps and then fall against Aunt Polly's chest. Falling made the baby laugh even more, and she joyously got back up to her feet, turned around, and toddled her way over to Uncle Frank for the return trip.

Amber and I quickly got down to floor level along with Paige and joined in. The five of us adults formed a ring, letting April bounce back and forth between us seemingly at random. If two adults were fun, five was even better. And April was having the time of her young life.

In the meantime, we all exchanged pleasantries. Uncle Frank flirted lightly with Amber, complimenting her looks and saying that Kady's description had not done her justice. Aunt Polly teasingly slapped her husband for letching, but then cracked that she'd probably get plowed extra hard tonight. Paige was properly scandalized.

At least we could understand where Kady's wisecracking came from.

But then it was time for April's dinner, and the parentals insisted that they take care of it and let Paige socialize with us.

"You don't get out of this house nearly enough, young lady," Aunt Polly scolded. "And you're going to have to learn to let us handle these things before you go back to school."

Paige sighed and acquiesced.

"So that answers that question," I commented. "You're coming back?"

Paige nodded. "Leave of absence is over. I'm already enrolled in three courses for the coming semester. Not a full load, but what I think I can handle while still being a single mom."

"So how is that going to work? Are you commuting? Staying up in Berkeley for the school week?"

"Commuting," Paige explained. "I can't bear to think of being away from April for even a single night. Don't get me wrong, there are some days I just want to hand her off to my Aunt and Uncle and disappear for a week. But after about an hour being away from her, I miss my little girl terribly."

Amber touched Paige's arm, and little Red smiled and nodded.

"How about you? How is this whole thing going to work out?" Paige then asked, gesturing to the two of us.

"Uh, well..." I hedged. "We're ... kinda just playing it by ear."

Paige wasn't the first to ask us this very question. Lynne, Kady, and Noelle had all weighed in on the subject with slightly varying opinions. Noelle thought that I should move in with Amber and commute to Berkeley since I had a semi-regular schedule and wasn't on-call for a hospital. But Lynne and Kady thought I should stay in my own house and let Amber stay here. We could visit each other on weekends or any nights when the drive didn't seem too much.

I felt obligated to stay at the Berkeley house. For one thing, Brooke and DJ were still returning, and I needed to be there to watch over them. I wasn't sure whether or not Dawn was coming back. The last time I'd asked Dayna if she'd heard anything, she'd told me that Dawn herself had not yet decided whether she could be in the house with me.

Moving in with Amber would solve that problem. Dawn could be in the house with our younger sisters, watching over them. My staying with my girlfriend would remove me from the awkwardness of living with Dawn. And being able to spend every night with Amber would help keep my mind and soul off of Dawn, period.

But so far, Amber had resisted that idea. Even though I'd moved in with her for now, and we were quite comfortable playing 'married couple' in her apartment, she had been adamant about my returning to Berkeley. "This summer thing is temporary. I love having you here, but you distract me from school and I don't want you to lose focus of your academics, either. We'll still see each other on weekends and that'll have to be enough for each of us."

Rationally, I had to agree. It would take a lot of effort and energy to commute, and I would have precious little time as it was trying to finish off my degree. But emotionally, well ... I didn't want to sleep alone.

Despite my telling Paige that we were playing it by ear, Amber shook her head and stated confidently, "Ben's moving back to his Berkeley house."

Paige looked at me skeptically, but I just shrugged and said, "Yeah, probably."

And that was the end of that. Paige smiled brightly. "Okay, new topic."

-- SATURDAY, AUGUST 13, 2005, SUMMER BREAK --

"Are you SURE you're okay with this?" I asked as my girlfriend took hold of my collar and looked pensively at my chin.

After a moment's hesitation, Amber flicked her eyes up to mine and took a deep breath. "You were never in love with her?"

"No. But I did care a lot about her."

Amber shook her head, dismissing that concern. "You're not going to do anything with her?"

"Of course not."

Amber raised her eyebrows. "How do I know that?"

"Because I'm telling you I'm not. And if you don't trust that, then I really shouldn't be meeting up with her."

Amber took a deep breath. "No, no. I trust you. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around this, that's all. If Kim were just an ex-girlfriend, I'd get that. But the way you explained this whole Master/sub thing ... And the way you just walked away ... She really GAVE herself to you. And I can't help but worry that she'll want to give herself to you again."

I sighed. "I doubt that. Like Bert said, I broke her heart."

"But she's willing to see you again. She wants to see you again. And she specifically asked that you don't bring me. That sets off some warning bells in a girl's head, you know?"

I nodded. "She said she had some deeply personal things to talk to me about, things she can't discuss with a stranger around. I feel like I owe her at least that much for the way I dumped her. She didn't deserve that. And if she needs some closure, I think that's something I need to do. With any luck, we'll be able to go back to being friends, and next time I'll be able to bring you along and introduce you."

Amber nodded.

"But I'm not going if you're not comfortable with this."

"No, no. You should go," Amber insisted. "You're right; she does deserve that much from you at least. If I were in her shoes, I'd probably want the exact same thing: closure ... and with no new girlfriend lurking nearby."

I nodded. Wrapping my girlfriend up in my arms, I pulled her close to me and pecked her forehead. She hummed quietly before tilting her face up so that our lips could meet. And then with a final pat on my butt, Amber sent me on my way.

Twenty minutes later, I arrived at the chosen location, a Starbucks on El Camino in downtown Sunnyvale. Kim didn't want me to come to her house, explaining that her father would be home. She was waiting just inside the door when I arrived, sitting on a chair with two coffee cups already in her hands. Standing up, she handed me one of the cups, saying without preamble, "Just the way you like it."

Blinking in surprise, I took a sip. Indeed, in moments of nervousness I liked something sweet and warm to comfort me, and Kim had provided me with a caramel macchiato with just the right amount of sugar and cream. I smiled and popped my eyebrows in surprise, and instantly felt all the guilt of just coldly abandoning Kim back in May slam into me like a brick wall. Grimacing, I frowned and began, "I'm really sorry, Kim. What I did to you was unforgiv-"

Holding up a hand to stop me, she shook her head. She then extended the hand out the door and stated, "You're driving."

For a relationship that had been built on my supposed "Mastery" for nearly a year, Kim was certainly taking charge of the situation. I started to relax, realizing that she indeed would not want me to once again become her Master. And I felt even more proud to see that Kim was self-initializing quite a bit in order to orchestrate and arrange our meeting.

I led Kim to the parking lot, seeing her motorcycle parked nearby before she left my side to walk around to the passenger door of the Mustang. Once we were seated, she quickly rattled off directions for getting out of the lot and heading down El Camino. And after three quick turns, we arrived at a cute neighborhood park.

The moment I turned off the engine, Kim opened her door and got out. She led me away from the playground surrounded by little kids and their mothers enjoying the summer afternoon and toward an isolated park bench. Sitting down on it, she patted the seat beside her, and I obediently took my place.

Taking a deep breath, Kim exhaled and said, "Okay."

And then she went dead silent.

Having been led by the nose all this way, I waited for Kim to make the first move. She seemed to have meticulously planned every step for getting here, from the time and location to the coffee to the isolated park bench. But now that we were here, she simply looked at me blankly as if waiting for ME to speak first.

I hadn't said a word since that first aborted apology, having just obeyed her every direction on the way over. Now arching an eyebrow, I asked, "Uh, did you want to go first?"

Kim looked at me in confusion and replied, "You called ME and said you wanted to meet up."

I shrugged. "Actually, that was because my new girlfriend Amber wanted to meet up with my friends as a way of getting to know me better. But you didn't want her here."

She shook her head. "I wouldn't be comfortable around a stranger."

"Oh, I get it. I, uh ... I just thought you were taking charge of this whole conversation."

Kim cocked her head and gave me an inquisitive look, as if wondering why I would ever think such a thing. Only then did it really hit me: Kim hadn't actually been taking charge; she had merely been setting the stage. Kim didn't do spontaneous. When given a set of instructions, she was hyper-efficient. It was one of the things that made her such an excellent student. But off-the-cuff creativity wasn't her strong suit. So when told that I was coming by to meet up with her, she'd created her agenda ahead of time, planned out her route, and then executed her plan to get us into a quiet location where we could talk privately. After that ... the rest was up to me.

"How have you been?" I finally asked.

Kim shrugged and gave me a neutral look. "I've been okay."

"Your father?"

Now she gave me a faint smile. "He is my father. He will always be there for me."

"That's good, that's good." I nodded, not really sure what else to say. It was a relief to know that Kim had been taken care of.

"I missed you," she finally blurted, and the faint smile was now gone. In its place was an expression of confusion, an expression of hurt. Realizing she'd let out a burst of emotion, Kim quickly retreated back inside her shell. She looked at the ground and clasped her hands together, wringing her palms.

She was tense, I realized, far more tense than I would have thought. I mean, I was nervous; and I suppose I expected she might be nervous about seeing me again. Heck, I wouldn't have been surprised if she were angry, given the way I'd summarily dismissed her and walked away without so much as a backward glance. But she didn't seem angry, and instead just seemed ... wound up. Like a rubber band that had been twisted and twisted and twisted to the breaking point, Kim was on the verge of snapping. And yet her face was still neutral, almost serene. I had to look closely to see the tightness of her muscles beneath to recognize the strain she was under.

I leaned forward and hugged her just then.

Ever see a venus flytrap? I'm not saying that Kim was trying to kill me or anything, but the instant we touched, her arms wrapped around me so fiercely that I was dead certain she would never, ever let go. Like a dam had burst, the tears poured out of Kim's eyes. And suddenly she was bawling with her nose pressed up against my neck, squeezing me tight and crawling her fingers across my back trying to hold me even tighter. I felt my lungs being compressed by her unexpected strength. And I had to pat her back and wheeze, "Can't breathe ... can't breathe..." before she finally got the hint and relaxed her grip just a bit.

But she still didn't let me go. Kim's whole body began shuddering against me, and her nose remained buried in the crook of my neck as she cried and cried and cried. It was as if she'd held onto the anguish of me dumping her three months ago, trapping it inside and letting that pain build exponentially until it completely filled her up. And only now was she finally letting it flood out of her in the form of tears.

All I could do was continue to hold her and ride out the storm. She cried, and she shuddered. And then she cried and shuddered some more. I kept waiting for a lull in her sobs, a break within which I could say something that might help to calm her down. But there were no breaks for some five minutes, so I simply continued patting her back and shushing her gently.

Eventually, Kim began to calm down. As if the well of pain was finally starting to run dry, her sobs slowed down in both pace and force. And at last, she pulled her face off my neck and bleary-eyed, stared right at my chin. "I'm sorry," she blubbered.

"Whatever are you apologizing for?"

She wiped my neck, which was saturated with tears by now. My shirt was rather damp as well. I chuckled lightly, not worried about my shirt. And then before I knew it, her lips were pressed up against mine and my nose was filled with the scent of her.

It was a soulful kiss, an intense and yet tender liplock of pure love without lust. Kim held my cheeks and poured her heart into that kiss, and I felt such passionate energy radiating off her that I couldn't help but kiss back.

But she didn't linger. After kissing me for a good ten seconds, Kim pulled back and whimpered plaintively, "I love you."

The L-word snapped me out of my momentary trance. Blinking rapidly, I pulled back and took a deep breath. "Kim..." I began.

"I still love you," she stated before I could continue. "I understand what happened. I understand the pain you were going through after Dawn broke up with you."

The deep-rooted hurt in her eyes was obvious. I got the distinct impression that Kim 'understood' because she had felt the exact same way after I broke up with her.

"You feel like your world is coming to an end," she continued. "The very foundation upon which you've built your life is cut out from beneath you. It's shattering."

"Kim, I'm so sorry," I sighed, recognizing the anguish she was still in.

"There's nothing to forgive. You are my Master. You couldn't take care of me because you had to deal with your own problems. I understand. You apologized for making the decision you did. Knowing that you would be unable to properly care for me, you encouraged me to return home to my father. You knew he could still take care of me, and you were looking out for my best interests. It was the right decision."

I smiled, relieved that she wasn't angry.

"But I see that you are healthy again. You've moved on. You've found a new girlfriend. And Bert tells me she is a very nice person."

"Uh, yeah."

"So everything can go back to normal now, right? I still love you. I understand why you left me. But we can fix that now. You can take care of me again, right?"

I blinked in surprise. "Wait, what? You would want that again?"

She smiled hopefully. "Of course."

I frowned. "But I broke your heart!"

"You did. And it hurt." Kim frowned sadly and wrenched her hands together. "But I understand. And I still love you. I still want you to be my Master."

Ah, HELL. My mind immediately flashed back to this morning, with Amber expressing her concern that Kim would want to give herself to me again. I couldn't do it. The situation before with Dawn had been unique. My girlfriend was friends with Kim, and understood a bit about Kim's mental makeup. She had willingly accepted, and even encouraged, my taking care of the submissive girl. But that wasn't the case anymore. It's not like I'd asked Amber if she'd be okay with me being Kim's Master again, but in this case, I didn't need to.

"Kim..." I stated stiffly, and as she read the tone in my voice, the frown on Kim's face deepened. "We can't go back."

"Please ... I love you," she begged. "I need you."

Even the n-word didn't faze me. I shook my head, taking a deep breath before reaching forward and taking Kim's hands in my own. Holding them up between us, I made sure I had Kim's eyes on mine before taking a deep breath and saying as plainly as I could, "I told you before: I do not love you, not romantically."

She nodded and replied immediately, "You do not need to."

"I have a girlfriend."

"I understand that. You were with Dawn before. Things would be no different for you and me."

"I disagree. Dawn accepted you. Amber won't. Heck, she even predicted that you would do this, and I had to reassure her that nothing would happen between us before she let me go."

"And nothing has to happen between us. Please, I just need you to care for me."

"I DO care for you. I care about you."

"They are not the same."

I winced. Caring "for" her implied responsibility. It implied involving myself in her decision-making and day-to-day life. Just caring "about" her wouldn't cut it. "Okay, maybe they're not."

"Please, Ben," Kim begged, squeezing my hands. The tears were back, running in rivers down her cheeks. "I need you."

Gawd dammit this hurt. I felt an incredible obligation to her. Once upon a time, I had willingly taken responsibility for her. I had become her Master. How harsh had it been for me to abandon her? Was I really no better than someone like Grace?

On the other hand, how could I do this to Amber? She was my girlfriend. She was the person I was building a new life with. Maybe I could ask her to understand the unique relationship I had with Kim. Maybe she would understand that the girl wasn't a threat to our romance. Heck, maybe I could just care "for" Kim, like a beloved pet, without any physical intimacy that might complicate the relationship I had with my girlfriend?

Who was I kidding? I'd realized it over the course of last semester: there was no half-assing a Master/sub relationship. I couldn't just drop the sexual aspect of my control over Kim, given her lust and love for me. And I couldn't very well put any limits on our relationship knowing how deeply she felt for me.

Beloved pet? That was an insult to Kim. She deserved better than that.

Hanging my head, I whimpered, "Please don't make me do this. Don't make me choose between you and Amber. I want to be your friend."

Kim didn't reply right away. It took me a second to realize that she wasn't moving, and was holding our hands rather rigidly. And as I picked my head up to look at her, I saw that she'd stopped crying and instead stared at me with an almost ... pitying ... look.

Releasing my hand, she put two fingers beneath my chin and pushed upward, causing me to sit up straight again. Shaking her head slowly, she sighed and stated, "Do not hang your head. You must be strong."

Blinking in surprise, I arched an eyebrow.

Turning her gaze away from me, she took a deep breath and stated, "I will not make you choose. I will not be the cause of your anguish. I had hoped..." she choked up. "I had hoped that you would be strong again, ready to take care of me. I see now that you are not yet healed. And I will not be a burden to you."

"You were never a burden," I said quietly.

She looked back at me now, deep sadness on her face. "But now ... I am."

I sighed, feeling truly horrible, as if I'd rejected her again. But Kim was quiet, her emotions bottled up inside herself once again. And in a rather distant voice, she looked away from me and said, "Please take me back to my bike."

After parking the Mustang, I held up the nearly-full cup of caramel macchiato Kim had bought me. Exhaling wearily, I got out of the car. And feeling guilty, I tossed the cup into a trash can just off the lot.

Amber was waiting in her apartment for my return. She turned off the TV the instant I came through the door and stood up. Taking one look at my face, she frowned and came over to me for a big hug.

"You were right," I mumbled.

"Right about what?"

I sighed. "Kim wanted to me to be her Master again."

"And... ?" I heard the caution in Amber's voice, suspicion over what my decision had been.

I gave her a look of disappointment, a little hurt that she didn't trust in my loyalty to her. "I told her 'no', of course."

Amber relaxed and kissed me. I let her lips rub over mine, but when she moved to deepen the kiss, I turned my cheek. Amber wanted to be affectionate, but I just wasn't in the mood. Breaking our hug, I padded off for the bedroom. For some reason, I felt really dirty over what I'd done to Kim. She was a girl who had put her trust and faith in me, and I'd let her down ... again. I needed a shower.

Amber caught up to me as I began stripping out of my clothes. Standing at the doorway to our bedroom, she folded her arms across her chest and said, "Thank you."

"For what?" I asked, half-turning to face her.

"For not becoming Kim's Master again. I don't fully understand what kind of relationship that would be like, but I gather that it was pretty intimate."

I shrugged. "It is."

Amber came up behind me, rubbing my now bare shoulders. "I want to be a good girlfriend to you. We've had some fun, playing around with other girls. Casual sex is one thing, but ... with Kim ... there would be feelings there."

I nodded. "There would."

Amber frowned. Even though I was agreeing with her at every turn, she sensed that I was still upset about this, and perhaps even a little resentful that she wouldn't let me be Kim's Master again.

Perhaps I was a little resentful. After all, Dawn had been able to handle it.

Rubbing my shoulders more firmly, Amber turned me around and looked deep into my eyes. "Is it really so much to ask for me to be your only girlfriend?"

I shook my head. "Of course it's not too much to ask. But that's not what's bothering me. I'm perfectly content for you to be my only girlfriend."

"Then what?"

I sighed, turning it over in my head. "Kim wasn't just a girlfriend. She was a dear friend, someone close to me who knew my secrets and accepted me for who I am. I lost her today. We broke up months ago, but it was today that I really lost her. I've told you before that I feel like I have almost no real friends left. And no matter what context I try to put it in, losing her still hurts."

"I'm sorry."

I sighed. "Me, too."

-- WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 17, 2005, SUMMER BREAK --

"C'mon. We're going out." Beside me, Amber took off her wire-rimmed glasses and set down her notepad and ball-point pen, the cap looking fairly chewed to death.

"Out?" I queried as Amber grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. Mid-August like this, there was nothing on but re-runs and crappy reality shows, even during primetime. Dropping the remote, she then took my hand and tugged me off the sofa.

"Yeah. No more studying and no more watching bad TV. We're getting out and changing the scenery a bit." Amber suited action to words by grabbing her purse and nodding toward the door.

"It's almost 10pm. Aren't we going to bed soon?"

"Too horny to wait?"

I rolled my eyes. "I meant sleep. We've both got work tomorrow."

"I'm not sleepy. I'm a little bored, actually. C'mon, let's get out of here."

I shrugged and realized I could go along with things. I grabbed my phone and wallet and followed my girlfriend out the door. Amber led the way to her Beemer and pointed me to the passenger seat. She pointedly ignored my probing questions as to our destination. And even resorting to tickling her didn't work since she ordered me to stop lest she crash the car en route.

It was a short trip, and we pulled up outside a local bar on Emerson. Amber took my hand and led me inside. The place was about half-full, decent for a Wednesday night when Stanford's semester wasn't yet in session. Instead of taking a table, Amber led me to a corner of the bar itself. And hopping up onto the seat, she waved to the bartender at the other end. "Heyyy, Chloe," she greeted warmly.

"Amber? Hey! Haven't seen you around in a while." Wearing a tight black V-neck shirt that showed off her ample cleavage, the bartender sauntered over and dropped her elbows onto the bar top, giving me an even better view of her tits. The dirty-blonde had electric blue-green eyes that seemed to sparkle despite the dim bar lighting. And for the moment, she only had eyes for my girlfriend.

"Blame it on him," Amber jerked a thumb at me. "My boyfriend's been keeping me pretty busy the last couple of months."