Chapter 14: Adrift

BEN

-- THURSDAY, MAY 19, 2005, FINALS WEEK --

The red Civic blared its horn at me as I cut him off entering the traffic circle at Channing and Piedmont. I didn't care. I would have hit him and kept on driving. Didn't matter. Nothing was getting between me and my destination.

That destination tonight was the Tri-Delt house. Maybe I could have called. Maybe it would have been faster to call. But maybe she wouldn't have picked up. Maybe I would have had to drive over here anyway. I didn't know. I didn't care. My mind was racing down a single track, and that single track was taking me to her.

"CARLI!" I yelled into the house the instant somebody opened the front door. The girl who opened it looked familiar, but I didn't recall her name right away. Like I said: I didn't care.

"CARLI!" I yelled again as I raced up the stairs, taking them three at a time. It was a Thursday night during Finals Week. This was the most likely place she would be. But when I got to her room and hammered on the door with the base of my fist, nobody answered.

"CARLI!" I yelled at the unyielding piece of wood, gauging its strength to see if I could break it down.

"Ben!" somebody gasped from my left.

Hot-faced and with wild eyes, I was sure I looked pretty scary. At least, the way Nora Cavaday gasped and backed three steps away from me indicated so. "Where is she?" I growled with a ferocity that intimidated even me.

With a quivering jaw, Nora blinked rapidly in fear and extended a shaky hand back to the stairs.

"She's up with Leah."

I remembered Leah Hirsch. She was one of Adrienne's and my conquests last year, and the current Tri-Delt Secretary. I also knew where her room was, and I was back to racing through the house at breakneck speeds.

Speaking of breakneck, I knocked some poor girl over as I ran up. I didn't stop. I didn't care.

Leah's door was open, and there were three girls inside the room with their books out. All three looked up at me in surprise as I raced in. But before any of them could recover, I'd already barked, "Where can I find Jaron?"

The girls looked blankly at each other before I leveled a finger at Carli. "Jaron Hedlund. Where do I find him?"

I had to find him. This was all Jaron's fault. I knew it. Somehow, he'd seduced my Dawn against her will. Her despondent apology to me less than five minutes ago was still in my mind. She told me she'd messed up. She told me she'd cheated on me. She told me she wasn't the girl I deserved.

She told me she was breaking up with me, that she couldn't be in a relationship with me anymore. She told me she'd fallen from grace, that she wasn't the perfect angel that everyone thought she was.

I didn't believe her. She was Dawn. She was MY Dawn. She was perfect in every way. And somehow, I knew this wasn't her fault.

It was Jaron's fault. He was the seducer. He was the destroyer. He deserved to DIE.

"WHERE IS HE?" I howled again. Look up "apoplectic" in the dictionary. You'll find a picture of my face there.

Carli's mouth was open as she tried to process my request. While still in a state of shock, she mumbled a bit before finally grunting, "Haste Street just past Shattuck." It took her a few more blinks before she was able to spit out the specific address.

Nodding my head and committing the address to memory, I simply spun out of the room, raced down the stairs, and back to my waiting car. The Mustang was blocking the Tri-Delt driveway at an odd-angle, the driver's door still open. I hopped in, gunned the engine, and peeled out onto the street burning rubber. I zipped back to Piedmont, back through the Channing traffic circle, and pulled a hard right onto Haste. I dodged a moving truck and leaned on the horn to honk at a snail-crawling Buick until it pulled out of my way. And I nearly got into a head-on collision when I passed a 4Runner double-parked on the side.

I didn't care.

It's a miracle I didn't get into an accident. I barely got under 10mph at stop signs and nearly got T-boned crossing Telegraph, but eventually I made it to my destination. I pulled into a red zone and raced up the stairs, banging on the door of the address Carli had given me.

Jaron was surprisingly easy to find. He's the one that opened the door. The big guy frowned when he first saw me, wondering why the hell I was on his doorstep. But then his eyes went wide when he saw the murderous look on my face. And his hands went up defensively when I launched myself at his throat.

"FUCKING BASTARD!" I yelled as I got the element of surprise, knocking him off his feet so that he fell back on his ass, although he managed to shove me aside. I was just about to pounce when one of his roommates suddenly grabbed my shoulder from behind, spinning me about. I threw a wild haymaker at the guy, but he ducked it easily, leaving me off-balance and completely exposed.

But just when the roommate primed to punch me in the face, Jaron shouted, "No! Don't hurt him!"

The roommate pulled his arm back, and I spun around to stare at Jaron again. I rushed him, the 6'4" defensive end bracing himself for impact. I was still a lover, not a fighter, but I'd gotten into a few scrapes over the years and learned enough to not make a complete fool of myself. Still, despite my form tackle, Jaron was able to deflect me to the side so that he didn't fall.

I swung a punch at him; he blocked it with his arm. I bull-rushed him; he deflected me to the other side.

"Ben! Ben! STOP!"

"You fucking fucker! You fucking FUCKED HER!"

"Ben! I'm sorry! I thought it was okay!" he barked defensively.

"FUCK YOU, FUCKER!" I swung another punch at him.

"She came to me!"

"Liar! My Dawn would NEVER-!"

"BEN! I'm telling the truth!"

"Tell the truth to my fist!" I threw another punch, this one glancing off his pectoral muscle.

I hit him hard enough that he staggered back, and then sighing he started to enter the fight as well. Like I said, I wasn't a weakling, but the guy still had four inches and fifty pounds of muscle on me. He also knew how to handle himself, whether it was his football training or something else. And the point is: I was severely outmatched in a fight.

To his credit, Jaron didn't beat me up. He kept his roommate out of the fight, and more or less did his best to ensure that I wasn't TOO badly hurt. He kept trying to apologize, explaining, "She told me you approved" while I vehemently spat profanities at him. Feeling bad, I think he even let me get in a solid punch or two.

Ultimately, I ended up facedown on the floor with Jaron's knee in my back and my arm twisted behind me. He didn't try to cause me pain. Instead, he merely kept me pinned so that he wouldn't have to continue deflecting my punches. I struggled and struggled for a lot longer than I should have, to the point where he nearly had to wrench my arm out of its socket to get me to stop trying to hit him. And when my strength gave out, I simply sagged against the floorboards sobbing my pathetic heart out.

"How could you?" I blubbered, unable to see from the sheer number of tears filling my eyes.

"It just happened," he said mournfully.

"Behind my back!"

"She told me you guys were open about this shit."

"She would have called me at least."

"It wasn't planned. She nearly got hit by a car crossing Shattuck and then one thing led to another and..."

"No. Never. Not Dawn. She would have called me. She would have asked me. She's not like this. She would never do this."

"Dude ... I'm sorry," Jaron sighed.

My strength gone, I pushed my nose into the floor. I felt slime oozing out of my nostrils, joining the puddle of tears rolling down my cheeks as I forced myself to face the truth. Dawn had already confessed all. She'd gone willingly with Jaron to his house, initiating things even. Even though I still wanted to believe that he'd somehow coerced her against her will, the evidence just wasn't there.

This wasn't Jaron's fault.

My Dawn had actually cheated on me.

So this is how Megan and Cassidy must have felt when I told them. This is how Adrienne must have felt. It wasn't the sexual act that hurt so much, it was the betrayal. It was the belief that your loved one was devoted to you, was loyal to you. But they'd proven themselves otherwise.

I'd done this myself. I'd done this to three beautiful people, girls who had hearts of gold and truly deserved better. This was karma coming back to bite me in the ass. It was revenge for the sins I'd made before.

I lost her. I knew I could never lose her again. I told myself again and again, that the next time Dawn and I got together, it would have to be forever. I needed that, that concept of forever. It was my anchor. SHE was my anchor. And my anchor was now gone, leaving me adrift.

I had tried so hard to make it work. I'd seen other young couples crumble beneath the expectations of their futures, and I'd tried really hard to keep my own expectations in check. Sure, I wanted marriage and kids and the whole "dream"; but I didn't push that on Dawn. I recognized that she wanted to have her "fun" in the aftermath of her relationship with Ryan. I recognized that she was still young and had a lot of things she still wanted to do before settling down. And I'd done my best to accommodate her, to give her every freedom.

Despite giving Dawn her freedom, I'd lost her. Perhaps BECAUSE I'd given her this freedom, I'd lost her. Would she have cheated with Jaron had she not already had a sex with him? Would she have felt comfortable doing this with any other man had I not given her the threesomes and moresomes before? Hell, had the threesomes been RESPONSIBLE for her straying, giving her the taste of strange cock and inspiring her craving for more?

On the other hand, was Dawn just a ticking time bomb, too immature to settle down with me and ready to crack at any moment? Had the threesomes and moresomes only delayed the inevitable, feeding her addictions and keeping them at bay only for so long until she just had to get her fix?

I didn't know.

This, I cared.

I'd tried. I'd tried really hard to make things work. Weren't we so happy? Weren't we the model couple that every other aspired to be? We clearly loved each other. We clearly doted on each other. And where other couples showed jealousy and clinginess, we were open and accommodating.

I'd thought that by promising open honesty and acceptance, she would feel free to share her desires with me. She wouldn't feel the need to do something behind my back. But still, she did. I didn't understand. If she'd just TOLD me she wanted a one-on-one with Jaron, I might have let her. I might've been jealous, but it would have been better than losing her. But she cheated on me anyways. She did it behind my back.

Why?

I didn't understand.

Hadn't I done everything right?

Hadn't I done everything she asked of me?

Hadn't I been the perfect boyfriend?

So why did she do it?

I didn't understand.

Miracle of miracles, Dawn was still home when I returned. All my roommates were upstairs in my bedroom, and I mean all of them. Brooke and DJ had returned home at some point, and they were arguing with Dawn while Kim stood against the wall and observed with a stricken look on her face.

They all shut up when I appeared at the door. Dawn took one look at me and sat down on the bed, new tears rolling down her cheeks to join the tear tracks that had already dried up. Her right hand covered her mouth, her left hugged her own stomach as if that would be a comfort, and she sobbed heartbreakingly while staring at me.

"Ben! What the hell happened to your face?" Brooke came right over to me and touched my forehead.

I winced at her touch, realizing that there was probably a bruise there from Jaron repeatedly trying to pin me down. Actually, I probably had several bruises all over my body, whether from blunt force impacts or being squeezed by that guy's massive hands.

"Jaron and I ... had a conversation," I said quietly. Looking at Dawn, I sighed and added, "He pretty much confirmed what you were trying to tell me."

Dawn nodded and then stood up again, reaching for her bag. Only now did I realize that her roller suitcase was sitting on our mattress. Closing the lid, she zipped it shut.

"Where are you going?" I croaked. There was no more anger. I was tired, and I wasn't even mad at her anymore. I was scared. No, I was terrified. I was losing her, and I really, really, REALLY didn't want to lose her.

"I'm going home. My Finals are over," Dawn said quietly.

"You can't leave. Not now. Fix this!" DJ insisted.

"Don't leave. Please," I said quietly.

"I can't stay with you anymore."

"DJ's right. Please. Stay. We'll fix this."

She shook her head. "We can't fix this. I cheated on you."

"I forgive you."

She shook her head more vehemently. "No you don't. You're just saying that right now. I can tell you're crushed beyond belief."

"I'm crushed that you're leaving me. You can fix that. Stay and let us work this out."

"I can't. I have to go."

"Please ... don't leave me," I whimpered. I didn't care how pathetic I sounded. I couldn't lose her. Not again. NOT. DAWN. "Don't leave me."

She started shuddering, the tears that had been rolling down her cheeks now increasing their flow. She turned her face away from me, pinching her forehead down in abject shame. Shaking her head, she grabbed her suitcase and yanked it off the bed, stalking for the door.

Out of nowhere, Kim slid in front of her, blocking the doorway. Without a word, the impassive girl shook her head in the negative.

Her way blocked, Dawn whimpered and then turned back to face me. "I cheated on you."

"Why?"

"I don't know why!" she suddenly yelled, her voice jumping.

"Then let's sit down and figure that out."

"You don't get it! I betrayed you! Doesn't that hurt?"

"More than you can imagine. But I still love you. I still want you."

"No, Ben. You don't. I'm fucked up. I'm not the person you think I am."

"You told me that before. I don't believe you. You're my Dawn. You'll always be my Dawn."

"I CHEATED ON YOU!"

"A mistake. But it was with a guy we've already had sex with. And Jaron told me you nearly got hit by a car. Your adrenaline was pumping. It was a spur of the moment thing." My voice was cracking and I wanted to crumple into a little ball and cry, but I had to stay strong.

"You don't have to make excuses for me. I know what I did, and what I did has GOT to hurt you."

"It hurts. It really does. But we'll work through this."

"There's no working through this! Don't you get it? This wasn't a one-time mistake for me. I have a pattern now. Everyone thinks I'm this pristine angel. Everyone thinks I'm the perfect girl who does no wrong. But I do! I have EVIL in my heart! I want selfish things! And I'm a self-centered bitch!"

"No you're not!"

"Yes, I am! You act like this is the first time I've done this. It's not. Remember Greg Kinomoto at camp, when we were seventeen?"

My mouth went dry. I was shaking like a leaf, trying desperately to hold myself together until my strength could come back to me and I could fix this. But now, with my brain calling up the worst-possible images, I was ready to collapse. "You didn't ... You couldn't have..."

She sighed and shook her head. "I kissed him. I let him lead me out of sight. I let him hold me in his arms. And I kissed him."

I shook my head, desperately not wanting to believe. "It was a mistake."

"Two months later, I let Ryan into my life. I could have pushed him away, but I didn't. I got intimate with him, and by Thanksgiving you and I had to break up so that I could date him."

I was blinking fast, just holding on by a thread. "There were circumstances. I wasn't there and you were lonely and it's not like I was all that pure myself-"

"I would have fucked him. I knew you were my boyfriend, but I would have done it then."

"But you didn't."

She shook her head. "I'm a cheater. I'm a harlot. I'm a slut who wants to feel three strange cocks pounding their way into my body at the same time. I get bored fucking you one-on-one, dreaming of greater lusts. I want to try illegal narcotics. And I want to have my 'fun', no matter who it hurts. I'm a selfish bitch, and I've been disloyal to you. I'm FUCKED UP. And I'm not good enough for you anymore."

"You let me decide that," I pleaded, my voice cracking. "Don't leave me. Please, don't leave me."

She shook her head. "It's for your own good. You deserve better than me."

"I deserve YOU."

"No you don't. You always put me up on this pedestal. You think I'm the personification of perfection or something. But I'm not. I'm just an ordinary, human girl. And as much as we both wanted to believe it, I'm not the girl for you."

"You're my soulmate," I insisted. "And even if you walk out that door, I'm going to wait for you."

Dawn sighed, and gave me a look so full of sorrow that I finally did sink to my knees on the floor, though I didn't fully collapse. Kneeling there, feeling the splitting pain of hardwood biting into my kneecaps, I closed my eyes. I knew her next words would only hurt even more.

"Don't bother waiting. I'm not your soulmate," Dawn intoned quietly. "That's just a pipe dream our parents have been feeding us since we were little. Well the childhood fantasy is over. I'm not who you think I am. I'm a slut who has another man's cum dribbling out of her stretched asshole at this very moment. I wanted to be the perfect girl for you. I really did. But now I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not."

I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. I was shaking so hard, feeling the death of my dream cut like a shard of glass right through my heart.

"Move. Aside." Dawn's command carried such a tone that the submissive girl could not refuse. Kim stepped aside, and then Dawn strode out of the room.

I just pitched forward until my forehead was on the floor, and I sobbed my heart out.

-- FRIDAY, MAY 20, 2005, FINALS WEEK --

I woke up with my eyes closed, but somehow I knew exactly where I was and who I was with.

I was fully dressed in my bed, still wearing the clothes I'd worn yesterday. My head was currently in the warm lap of a beautiful girl. And she was tenderly stroking my hair back from my forehead and along my scalp.

I stiffened slightly as I came awake, and her soothing hand stroked deeper and more firmly, calming me. I realized that I was cocooned beneath my blankets, the tight wrappings as comfortable for me as for a swaddled baby. And still with my eyes closed, I exhaled slowly before asking, "What time is it, Brooke?"

My little sister's sweet voice answered, "Almost nine. AM. You've been asleep for more than twelve hours."

Slowly, I cracked my eyelids open and blinked as Brooke's face came into focus. She had changed and showered since I last saw her, now wearing a cute pajama set with her hair held back in a simple ponytail. She was clearly dressed for bed, and if I had to guess, she'd spent the entire night cuddling me. And her soft brown eyes looked down on me with nothing but love, warmth, and understanding.

Recognizing these emotions, I realized that my brain was once again active and in control of my body. And with that activity came the memories of Dawn, and specifically the chain of events that had led to her walking out the door with her suitcase.

"Where is she?" I asked, my heart heavy.

Brooke sighed. "She's home. DJ talked to her mom last night."

Biting my lower lip, I stared past Brooke's ear at the ceiling, wondering how my perfect life had so spectacularly come crashing down. For once, I hadn't caused the catastrophe, not directly at least. I felt more helpless this way. At least when I fucked up and brought my world down around me, I knew to point the finger at myself. I could recognize what I'd done wrong and take steps to fix it.

But I still didn't understand.

Why had Dawn left me?

What had I done wrong?

"Why doesn't she love me anymore?"

Brooke took a deep breath, and it wasn't until she answered me that I realized I'd asked the last thing out loud. "She still does. She always will. Dawn is very confused right now, and she's got a lot of things she has to work through."

"How do you know?"

Brooke shrugged. "I just know."

I shook my head. "No you don't. Just like you can't see the future. You're just guessing, dreaming, speculating about what might come. You're no more clairvoyant than I am, and I don't have a fucking clue what's going on around me."

Brooke pinched her lips in a tight line at the harshness of my words. "Well maybe I can see the future and maybe I can't. That doesn't change the fact that you and Dawn belong together. You two are special. You have a connection that even DJ and I don't quite have."

"Some connection," I muttered. "I thought we were happy. I thought everything was perfect. But I didn't know she was fraying at the edges. I couldn't even tell she was about to crack and go fuck some other guy."

Staring down at me at a right angle to my face, Brooke reached up and cupped my cheeks firmly, forcing me to look right at her. "Now you listen to me: Dawn loves you. Period. She will always love you. Period. She's kinda fucked up right now, and she made a helluva mistake last night. But never doubt that she and everyone else in this family dearly love you. One night does not wipe out years of togetherness."

I sighed and shook my head, not able to muster the energy to argue. Turning my gaze to the ceiling again, I ruminated on how I'd gotten myself into this situation. I'd thought my life was all set: my academic career, my upcoming internship, and especially the soulmate by my side. But here I lay, alone again, and fuck all if I didn't still have a final this afternoon.

"This feels like déjà vu."

"Huh?" Brooke stopped stroking my hair.

"It's May. It's Finals Week. I overpressured a girl into settling down and being my wife and she up and left me. Just like two years ago."

"Huh?" Brooke frowned before getting it. "Oh, you're talking about Adrienne."

I nodded.

Brooke shrugged. "Well, I wasn't here for that. But look at the bright side."

I frowned. "What bright side?"

"You and Adrienne still love each other, don't you? So there's hope."

My scowl told Brooke all she needed to know about my belief in 'hope'. "Within weeks, Adam Dennis showed up, nearly raped Emma, and then shot me here and here." I touched my side and then my cheek, where the bullet scars would be with me for the rest of my life.

Brooke frowned. "Well, at least there isn't much chance you're gonna get shot again."

I raised an eyebrow, thinking of how karma seemed determined to really get me. "Wanna bet?"

Realizing I couldn't stay in bed all day, I finally sat up and swung my legs off the bed. Brooke merely watched me as I stretched and then picked at my dirty clothes, feeling like they were stiff and coarse from my accumulated sweat and tears. My little sister watched me with a little smile as I stripped myself naked, and then she stared at my ass as I went out the door and into the bathroom.

I didn't care. Let her have the show if she so desired. It didn't matter to me. Nothing really did. Not without my Dawn.

I shit, showered, and shaved, all buck naked. My movements were slow and deliberate, without hurry. What was the point? I had nowhere to be, not this morning. And nothing really mattered anyway. I could even skip my final. Fuck all. Acing the class wouldn't bring my Dawn back to me.

After drying off, I walked back into my bedroom...

... and came to a dead stop just inside the door.

Kneeling on top of my mattress, wearing a half-cup bra that exposed her pretty pink nipples and matching pink panties so sheer that they were see-through, was DJ. She'd pulled her hair into a sky-high ponytail and beamed at me with the biggest smile, leaning forward on her hands while tucking her arms in together to lift up her tits for better viewing. "Hiya, Ben," she greeted perkily.

I sighed and shook my head. "What are you doing, Deej?" I asked wearily.

The gorgeous blonde gave me her best sultry smile. "I'm here to get you ready for your Final. Dayna's idea."

I arched an eyebrow, remembering the days immediately after Adrienne broke up with me. In an effort to keep me occupied post-dumping and get me through finals, Dayna, Brandi, and their friends had coordinated to constantly keep a girl in my bed and heal me through therapeutic fucking. After all: I am a sexual creature. I passed my classes, got great sex, and when the time came for me to finally talk to Adrienne, I was at least able to be rational about it.

But that was two years ago. Today, I just shook my head and sighed, "Not in the mood, Deej."

"You let me take care of that," she said coyly, curling a finger at me.

Before I could really think about it, I walked forward to her. My brain woke up and I stopped my approach a few seconds later, but by then I was within her reach and DJ whipped her hand out to grab onto my wrist. Tugging gently, she brought me closer, sliding her hands up my chest and around my head before tilting her head to mine for a wet kiss.

I resisted. I kept my neck stiff and didn't let her pull my mouth down to hers. She whimpered, tugging on me before sliding her hand down and petting my limp penis.

Suddenly, my left hand tightened around her wrist, pulling it away from my dick. Similarly, my right hand raced up, grabbing DJ by her throat. Her eyes popped open wide and a look of true fear spread across her face. I imagine I must have looked fairly ... psychotic ... with my impassive face and cold eyes.

"Ben?" she whimpered nervously, breathing rapidly in fear. At least I hadn't closed my hand around her neck at all.

Letting go of her wrist, I moved my left hand up and hooked it beneath her right armpit. Turning, I manhandled DJ off my bed so that she was standing on the floor beside me. And then grabbing her by the waist and shoulder, I marched her forward and to the bedroom door, which was still open.

Just then, Bert hopped up onto the landing, his eyes going wide as he first stared at me and then tried valiantly (failing) not to gawk at DJ's near-nudity. "Uh, bad time, I guess?" he muttered helplessly.

I just shoved DJ out the door, causing her to fall against Bert, who held her gingerly. Then without a word, I slammed the door shut.

All four of them took turns trying to get me to open the door. Brooke yelled at me for being a stupid-head shut-in and told me I needed to talk to people. DJ told me she was worried about me, and that she just wanted to help. Bert promised me that I would get through this, that if Dawn wasn't the right one for me that there were plenty of other girls out there. And Kim rather quietly asked if she could please serve her Master.

I didn't open the door.

Eventually, they gave up and left me alone. By then, it was lunchtime, and I silently emerged and went down the stairs. My little sisters and Kim were talking in the living room. As soon as Kim saw me, she raced into the kitchen and came out with a plate of food, promising me that she just had to heat it up.

I ignored them all and went out the door. I picked up cheap Mexican food on Telegraph and meandered around the campus for about an hour. It wasn't until ten minutes before my final that I realized I even HAD a final. And figuring that I had nothing better to do, I wandered over to the lecture hall, bummed a pencil off a classmate, and sat down to do my work for a few hours.

Around 4pm I got fed up with the test and turned it in. I'd answered every question, although I hadn't done much to check my work. And then on a whim, I briskly walked home.

Kim was waiting at the doorway when I arrived. I felt bad for her. She'd become quite devoted to me as her Master, truly in love with me and cherishing the stabilizing influence I had on her life. But she had become more and more capable of being independent while we'd been together, mostly at my direction for her to become so. And I trusted that she would survive even if I wasn't around. At the very least, Viktoriya was still around.

"I tried to call you, sir," Kim whimpered plaintively as she came out the door and down the steps to meet me.

"My phone has been off since last night," I mumbled, walking right past the porch and over to the curb where the Mustang was parked, fishing my car keys out of my pocket.

"Where are you going?" she asked fearfully, following after me.

"I'm going out," I replied coldly without turning around.

"Let me come with you."

We stopped next to the car. Taking a deep breath, I reached up and held Kim's cheek one more time. But then shaking my head, I put my hand to her shoulder and gently pushed her away. "I'm sorry. Really, I am. I wish things could have turned out differently. But I'm afraid I won't be around for you anymore."