Chapter 9: Theories of Self-Interest II

-- FEBRUARY 2005, JUNIOR YEAR --

The Honda Fireblade slowed down and made a right turn into the driveway of a nice suburban house. Kim stopped in the driveway and fished into her backpack for a remote, pressing it to open the garage door.

There was plenty of street parking, so I paralleled the Mustang and then got out. Taking a deep breath, I walked up the driveway, peeking inside the garage to see two cars already inside, and Kim parking her motorcycle right in the middle alongside another Honda sportbike. She took off her helmet, set it on the seat, and then walked back out into the driveway to meet me.

"I guess they're home," I said, pointing into the garage.

Kim nodded and gestured to the two cars, a beat up Acura and an older 2-door Accord with chrome rims. "That means my Dad is home, along with my older brother Nick. Mike isn't home yet."

"Nick's five years older than you, and Mike's two?"

Kim nodded. "Right. And John is the eldest, but he lives with his wife and son in Redwood City."

"Okay, okay." I tried to commit everything to memory. I hadn't given myself much time to go over these details. After all, I'd only decided to come here to Kim's house this morning.

After last night's 'Thursday fucking', I found myself left with more questions than answers about Kim's psyche. I knew that she felt like she'd been a submissive for her entire life, but she'd gone nearly catatonic after the confession about missing her father. I didn't know much about Doms and subs, and I wasn't sure how much faith I put into Kim's teenaged self-diagnosis. I just had to learn more.

Dawn had come home from her cooking class only a few minutes later, and I decided that I just had to get to the bottom of things. Since Kim was going home for the weekend as usual, I went to Viktoriya's office in the morning before her first class and asked permission to accompany Kim home. I explained my reasons, and although she had some hesitation, Viktoriya gave me her blessing.

Telling Kim was somehow much easier. I simply informed her that Viktoriya had approved my actions, and she promptly called home to let her father know that she was bringing her boyfriend home to meet him.

"Boyfriend?" she'd asked when I told her to refer to me as such.

"You're bringing a boy home to meet your family," I'd explained. "Would it be better to call me your Sexually-Dominant Master?"

Kim agreed that 'boyfriend' was the best approach. So now, like a good girlfriend, she slipped her hand into mine and led me to the front door.

"Are you nervous?" I asked.

With a serene look, Kim shook her head. "Not at all. Actually, Dad was always suspicious of how much time I spent with Grace. For months, he's been asking me questions about whether I was meeting any boys at school. I think he's afraid I'll turn out to be a lesbian. And I even told him about Bert last semester just to keep him happy."

"You told him you were dating Bert?"

Kim laughed and shook her head. "No, not dating. Just that Bert was coming after me. I told you ... I don't have a future with him."

My mouth went dry, and I couldn't help but ask, "But you think you have a future with me?"

Kim just smiled mysteriously and squeezed my hand. Then she reached out and pressed the doorbell.

Having been forewarned by the garage opening, Kim's father opened the door rather quickly. He said something formally in Japanese that I didn't understand, except that he used Kim's full name "Kimiko". Then turning to me, he extending his hand in greeting. "Preezed to meet you, Ben," he said with a thick accent.

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Fukuzaki," I replied while shaking his hand.

"Come inside," he invited somewhat coolly, waving us in. He led us to the living room and gestured to the couches. I sat where he pointed, but before he sat down opposite me, he turned to Kim and ordered sternly, "Kimiko. Bring us tea."

"Hai," Kim replied formally, bowing her head. She then backed away with almost military precision and turned to head for the kitchen.

Without thinking about it, I arched an eyebrow at her behavior. Even though we were among other people, and indeed Kim had been almost playful in the walk up to the house, she had immediately become "submissive Kim" upon entering.

While Kim brewed us tea, her father and I made small talk. Kim and I had covered the basics, so I knew what to say. Apart from omitting that I already HAD another girlfriend, we stuck to the real-life facts. Kim and I had met our freshman year, we were interns together over the past summer, and she'd moved into my house to have someplace to stay without commuting. We'd been dating since the beginning of the school year, but Kim had not wanted to bring me home until the relationship was more established.

Kim arrived with the tea, serving both of us and then sitting down beside me. We didn't hold hands, respecting Asian protocol prohibiting PDA. And we continued the standard Girlfriend's Father Interrogation (TM).

Mr. Fukuzaki was exceptionally aloof. He had that old-school Japanese air about him, where everything was formal and ritualized. The few times he spoke to Kim were short, direct commands, absent any warmth. He was cold and detached, and I found myself wondering just why Kim would have mumbled last night that she missed her father.

Growing up, there had been a few times that I missed my parents. Usually, they were in times of great stress, times when I yearned for their comforting touch and affectionate embrace. I couldn't imagine the stoic man in front of me being comforting or affectionate toward Kim. Indeed, he hadn't even hugged her in greeting on our arrival.

But maybe that was the point. Kim said that she'd felt submissive for her entire life, even as a child. I had been wondering what Master had come along at some point, likely around that 15-year-old age when Kim told me she'd realized it was her nature. But perhaps there wasn't any external 'Master' influence. Maybe Kim's own father had simply been such a controlling influence that being given commands was all she had ever known.

This was all just speculation on my part, of course. The only data set I had to analyze was the formal setting of a father meeting his daughter's very first boyfriend. Of COURSE he wouldn't be all warm and fuzzy. But I'd come here with the express intention of trying to understand Kim's past. Getting her to explain things to me had been like pulling teeth over the past few weeks, but instead of letting things go, I'd been consumed by this need to figure her out.

The conversation turned away from my relationship with Kim and more specifically about me. Mr. Fukuzaki asked about my major and career goals, probing politely but firmly toward all the things that he could use to evaluate my potential as a provider for his one and only daughter. I had just started to explain about my family in Orange County and that I had grown up with four sisters when a handsome young man bounded up the hallway, and the sound of the garage door closing echoed from the hallway behind him.

"Kim, hey! You're home early!" he exclaimed without trace of an accent. I supposed that all of the children could speak perfect Californian.

"Masayuki!" Mr. Fukuzaki stated sternly. "We have a guest."

Mike, Kim's older brother by two years, darted his eyes to me and immediately came to a stop. "My apologies, sir," he said formally to his father with a bowed head before turning to me with a confused look on his face. "Hi, I'm Mike."

I stood up as he approached me with an offered hand, shaking it. "I'm Ben. Kim's boyfriend."

"Boyfriend? Whoaaa..." Mike drawled like a surfer dude, shooting his little sister a look. He looked both impressed and pleased at the same time, with a broad smile crossing his face.

Kim blushed and glanced down at her hands. Suddenly, I started to feel bad about my little ruse to come here. Kim's family was welcoming me in as her boyfriend, when really, I wasn't. I mean, we were close ... intimate, even. But what was I getting myself into?

"Guess this means you get a week off from letting me school you," Mike chuckled to his sister, reaching out and slapping her arm.

Without thinking about it, Kim automatically reacted by punching her brother's arm right back.

"Masayuki! Kimiko!" Dad barked sternly again, clearly not happy with his son's break from decorum.

Mike blushed, clearly chagrined. Kim stared at her feet subserviently.

Seeking to lighten the mood, I shrugged and asked, "Am I interrupting a family ritual?"

Kim remained silent, incredibly intent on her toes.

"It's just basketball," Mike explained. "Kim and I usually will go one-on-one for a bit when she comes home on the weekends."

"You play basketball???" I asked incredulously at Kim.

Mike frowned, looking over at me. "You didn't know? Girl is GOOD. Tell her, Dad."

Despite his stoicism, a glimmer of pride came into Mr. Fukuzaki's face. "All of my children are excellent athletes," he said softly. "I made sure of it."

I broke into a smile and looked over at Kim. "Well maybe after dinner, you two can still have your game. This I've GOT to see."

Dinner was delicious. Perhaps because he'd lost his wife twenty years ago, Mr. Fukuzaki was an excellent chef. Nick emerged from his room, proving to be a virtual carbon-copy of his younger brother, only with a short goatee and hair that nearly reached his shoulders. The five of us sat down to a pleasant meal.

Over the food, Mr. Fukuzaki started to lighten up. He was still formal, but not nearly as stiff, and the conversation flowed without awkwardness. The boys repeated many of the questions their dad had already asked me, and they all seemed to appreciate my praise of Kim's academic successes.

Despite the chattiness of her brothers, however, Kim remained nearly mute for the entire meal, speaking only when directly spoken to. What's more, none of her family members seemed surprised by this behavior. For the most part, the conversation went on without her, the exceptions being when someone asked her a direct question about life at Cal as it related to me, or when I deliberately went out of my way to try and include her.

I got the distinct impression that the "private" Kim I knew was the only Kim her family knew: quiet and reserved. Oh, she wasn't above punching one of her brothers or shooting them a harsh look when they joked about her, but that was it. She was like a little sibling who just hung around the edges of the action, observing but not really a part of it. More than just a little sibling, they treated her like a little brother. And I suppose no one was surprised that Kim had managed to keep me a secret for this long.

When we were finished, Mr. Fukuzaki directed his sons to clean up the dishes. He also went with them, leaving Kim to give me the mini tour of her house, which included her bedroom.

Once behind a closed door, I pulled her into a hug and gave her a quick kiss. She shivered in my arms, and when I glanced down at her, I asked again, "Are you nervous?"

"A little, now," she replied. "Not nervous. Just ... feeling strange."

"Why?"

"It's..." she began, not knowing how to finish. "I didn't realize how awkward this would feel. I've gotten used to being around you at school, and it is very different to be with you here. My home life has never been entirely comfortable for me. And now that my brothers and father are talking about ... dating things ... It's ... I'm just not used to it."

"What do you mean?"

Kim shrugged. "This is a house of boys. No mother, no women. Life was always about sports and cars and motorcycles. Sure, they talked about girls with each other, but not to me. Everyone knows that I am a girl, but they don't know how to treat me like a girl. Tonight was the very first time I think they have seen me as a woman, and everyone feels a little strange."

"Really? I didn't notice any awkwardness."

"Perhaps you didn't. But I know my brothers, and I know they are very surprised that I have a boyfriend. Mike asked me last year if I was a lesbian, and he was trying to tell me he would support me if I was."

I chuckled and leaned in. "Well ... he's half right, isn't he?"

Kim thought about that and then giggled. "Perhaps."

We laughed together, delighted smiles coming to both of our faces. Her eyes then rotated up to mine, big brown irises full of warmth as she looked up at me. Her arms tightened around my back, and with a sigh she added, "But I think I like being here with a man a lot more."

There was more meaning to Kim's words. She'd said she liked being here with a man, but what she really meant was that she liked being here with me. And holding her like this, seeing the joy on her face, I found that I rather liked being here with her. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to truly be Kim's boyfriend.

A knock sounded off at the door, startling both of us. Quickly, Kim backed away from me about six inches and answered, "Come in."

Nick opened the door slowly, as if scared that he would find Kim and me in some intimate embrace. Once he peeked his head around, he seemed relieved to find that we were fully clothed and standing in the middle of the room. "Dad said to get changed to play. You a baller, Ben?"

"Sure," I replied immediately, and then looked down at my jeans.

"No worries. I think I've got some things that will fit you. Maybe even an old pair of shoes."

I nodded. "Sounds good."

"Ah, come with me," he said, jerking a thumb back out into the hallway.

I looked back to my 'girlfriend'. "See you on the court."

Kim blushed and smiled, an almost cocky sparkle in her eyes.

Nick found me a loose pair of gym shorts and some Air Jordans that were within a half-size of my own. They might feel tight if I played in them for too long, but for a backyard game, they would be fine.

We arrived to find Mr. Fukuzaki and Mike warming up, dressed in their own gym shorts and T-shirts. There was a concrete patio big enough for a full half-court setup, with painted lines and everything around a portable 10-foot hoop.

I picked up a ball and started working the kinks out, having not played basketball very often over the last couple of years. My High School crew had gotten together on the court exactly once over Winter Break, but that was the extent of my practice in a long while.

Kim arrived two minutes later wearing baggy men's shorts and a ratty T-shirt. Her brothers welcomed her with fist bumps and she took a warm-up shot.

But then Dad stepped in and stated, "Kimiko? What are you wearing? Go upstairs and put on some nice clothes."

Kim frowned, and Mike wondered aloud, "Huh?"

"You are a pretty girl," Mr. Fukuzaki explained. "You should dress like one."

"Yes, sir," Kim replied meekly, turning immediately and heading back into the house.

The brothers looked at their own attire nearly identical to Kim's, than at each other in confusion. I went up to Mike and asked quietly, "Does she wear anything different on other weekends?"

He shook his head. "No, same old. But that's when it's only us. Ever since she just skipped Senior Prom because she had no interest in a date or even dressing up, Dad has been trying to get her to be more girly: makeup, dating, all that. It's not her fault. She grew up with us monkeying around with cars and learning to ride bikes. Dad just didn't know how to raise a girl. But I think he recognized that she needed to know how to be a woman, so he's been pushing her that way for a while, especially whenever we left the house. Guess you being here qualifies as a 'social outing'."

"Has he always told her what to do? I noticed that Kim is really quick to follow orders."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Mike took a deep breath and sighed, pinning the ball against his hip while staring back toward the house. "Dad's a very deliberate and stubborn person, and he's kind of overprotective with Kim. I know she reminds him of Mom. He takes a lot of time to think about what he thinks is best for her, and then he goes out of his way to make sure she understands what he wants. As a kid, she used to rebel a bit. But I think she just learned that her life is easier when she does exactly what he tells her to do."

We continued shooting hoops, but after another minute, Mr. Fukuzaki approached me and pulled me aside. With a hand against my back, he pushed gently so I got the idea to keep walking and walking until we were out of earshot of the boys. And after wiping his sweaty hands and looking down nervously, he looked back up at me and said a little weakly, "Uh, Ben ... I don't know how to ask this. But it has been on my mind all night and I cannot be silent." He stopped and took a drawn-out deep breath. "Are you having sex with my daughter?"

My eyebrows popped and I jerked back, utterly shocked by the bluntness of his question. But at the same time, I was instantly disarmed by the honest worry in Mr. Fukuzaki's face. He wasn't trying to pry or be intimidating. Actually, he just looked plain nervous.

Still, that didn't mean I had to answer him. "Uh, with all due respect, sir," I began. "I think that's a private matter for you and Kim to discuss, not me."

"Please." He reached out and touched my forearm. Speaking slowly, taking care to form his English words despite his thick accent, he explained, "I'm just an old man who wants to know if his only daughter is still a virgin."

I gulped, not sure how to react. For one thing, I was pretty sure my non-answer was actually answer enough. If we hadn't slept together, wouldn't I have already told him so? But he wasn't threatening me nor looked like he was accusing me of anything. I thought he just genuinely had never really considered the possibility that his little girl might be sexually active despite being twenty years old and in college, and only my arrival today had made him start to think about it.

Fortunately, Kim arrived just then, dressed in a yellow Adidas ensemble of matching tank top and short shorts. She'd added a yellow headband to her ponytailed hair. And her white socks were now knee highs that were simultaneously retro and sexy. Indeed, Kim now looked like a sporty girly-girl instead of the androgynous tomboy who'd first come down to the court.

Nick whistled in amazement.

Mike drawled, "Duuude."

It looked like neither brother had ever seen their sister dressed up like this.

"Where'd you get that outfit?" Nick asked.

Kim blushed and looked down. "Always had it," she mumbled. "Just never thought to wear it here."

"Don't. Ever." Mike had mumbled even quieter, turning his head. "I can't believe my sister has boobs."

Nick immediately punched his brother's arm, as if disgusted Mike had even brought that up. "Focus. Don't get distracted."

"Right, right."

Mr. Fukuzaki straightened himself and turned to face his boys. "Two-on-two. Mike and Kim against Nick and Ben," he ordered. "Loser has to play their next game with ME."

Still dressed in my borrowed gym clothes and carrying my polo shirt and jeans over one shoulder, I said goodbye to the Fukuzakis. Nick clapped my shoulder and told me any guy who could play as well as I could was good enough to date his little sister. Mike was still complaining that I must've fouled him over the back to get that last offensive rebound and tip-in. And Mr. Fukuzaki simply shook my hand and thanked me for coming.

Still dressed in her cute yellow outfit, Kim led me to the door. I put my arms around her waist and pulled her against me.

"They're still looking," she said quietly.

"Let them look," I stated evenly and then dipped, kissing her softly on the lips, though I kept my mouth closed.

She quivered happily and kissed me back before remembering where she was, and she rocked back on her heels after having gone up on her tiptoes to meet me.

"Drive safe, boyfriend," Kim said with a little smile on her face, her eyes twinkling.

"See you Sunday, girlfriend," I replied warmly. And then with a final wave to the three men standing further back in the hallway, I went out the door and headed down to the Mustang.

Only when I sat down in the driver's seat and started up the ignition did I stop to think about everything that had happened this night. I now knew three things I hadn't know before:

One: The reason why Kim has missed her father was because he had unwittingly been her Master growing up, giving her commands at all times in part because he did it with all his children, but more because he had always been extra hard and directive with her as the lone daughter that he just didn't know what else to do with. She'd come to depend on his direction to live her life, and became lost without it as she grew up and moved away.

Two: Kim was an amazing athlete, with better hand-eye coordination and athletic ability than I had thought possible.

And three: Without a doubt, Kim Fukuzaki was completely in love with me.

"What am I going to do?" I sighed, hanging my head.

Dawn rubbed the back of my hand encouragingly. We were sitting side-by-side on a couch in the living room, the house empty except for the two of us. I'd returned home from the Fukuzakis to find her waiting and immediately told her everything, including my belief concerning Kim's feelings for me.

She took a deep breath and shrugged. "Depends, how do you feel about her?"

I frowned, "Are you asking if I love her too?"

"Do you?"

"No." I shook my head, not upset but puzzled that my girlfriend might think I could be in love with our roommate. "Have I done anything to make you think that I did?"

"No, not specifically. But then, there have been a lot of times in the past few weeks when I haven't been around and you've been alone with her."

"I'm not."

"Okay. And really, it's not like this would be the first time you've had two girlfriends, or felt in love with more than one woman."

"Dawn," I said seriously. "You're my one and only true love."

She smiled.

"So what do I do?" I asked again.

She took a deep breath again, and looked to me. "What do you think you should do?"

I took a deep breath, thinking about it. Dawn was right about one thing: this was a situation where I needed to come up with my own action plans. My girlfriend was here to help give me advice, but I couldn't spend my entire life expecting the women around me to always tell me what to do. "I dunno exactly. Just be honest with her. I'm her friend, and I'm willing to protect her. But you're my girlfriend and it's you I really love."

Dawn nodded. "I think she understands that. If you ask me, she's been in love with you for a while."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Dawn giggled. "I'd have to be warning you every week that a new girl is in love with you."

"Please do."

She laughed and shrugged. "Doesn't really matter. You know now. And Kim has certainly figured out how to keep her feelings in check for the past few months at least. Well, up until you had that little romantic 'date' a couple of weeks ago."

I sighed. "If I'd known, I'd never have done that. Feels like I was leading her on."

"You were, a little bit. But now that you know, we can get it worked out. Let's just sit down with her on Sunday night when she comes back, and we'll all talk to get things out in the open. My gut tells me she'll understand that things are better as status quo."

"I hope so. I really don't want Kim to get hurt."

"I know. You're sweet like that." Dawn leaned forward, hugging me firmly and kissing my cheek softly.

"Yeah, well I might play around a bit, and we all have some fun. But this sweetness ultimately belongs to you," I stated seriously, turning and looking my girlfriend in the eye. "Forever."

"Forever," she nodded in agreement. And her next kiss wasn't so soft.

It was just after dinner on Sunday night when I heard a key jiggle in the front door. A few seconds later, still dressed in her motorcycle leathers after driving back to school from her home in Sunnyvale, Kim walked through the hallway and said 'Hi' to everyone in the living room.

"Hey" "Hey" Brooke and DJ greeted from their respective spots on the couch. After spending most of the weekend with their boyfriends ... again ... they were getting a late start on completing their homework due Monday morning.

"You hungry?" Dawn queried from in front of the TV.

"I'm fine, thank you," Kim replied politely, and then headed upstairs.

I had been doing dishes but now turned away from sink, looking back to my girlfriend. Dawn had gotten up and nodded to me. I dried my hands and headed for the stairs, Dawn coming right after me.

After I knocked on Kim's bedroom door, she called out, "Come in."

I entered to see Kim sitting up on her bed. Her motorcycle jacket had already been hung up, and her leather pants were on the floor. She smiled as she saw me and pointed to her dresser, asking cutely, "Should I bother putting on any pants, boyfriend?"

I grinned, but popped my eyes and turned back to see Dawn following me inside.

Kim's face fell immediately. Bowing her head, she quickly went to the dresser and pulled out some pajama pants, snaking them over her legs quickly.

"Hey, how was your weekend?" Dawn asked lightly.

"It was good," Kim replied weakly, not meeting Dawn's eyes.

"I'll bet your dad and brothers had a few things to say about me," I chuckled, trying to be casual.

"My brothers had lots of questions, of course," Kim replied dully. "My dad doesn't really share his thoughts with me."

"Yeah, that figures." I nodded as I dropped into the desk chair. Kim sat down on the bed, looking warily at Dawn as the blonde sat down next to her.

"Is everything okay?" Kim asked fearfully.

"Everything's fine," Dawn explained. "We just wanted to chat."

"About what?"

Dawn glanced at me, and I took a deep breath before saying slowly, "About your feelings for me. Now I know it was my idea to visit your family posing as your boyfriend, but at the time I didn't realize just how strongly you felt about me."

Kim was pale, staring at the floor. She'd gone catatonic, and didn't even blink. Whenever she found herself in an awkward situation in public, she would always just go quiet and become a wallflower. Even though it was only the three of us in this room, she seemed to be doing the same.

"Hey..." Dawn soothed, reaching up and stroking Kim's back. "It's okay. We're not mad or anything. We just wanted to talk."

Kim finally blinked, but didn't look at either of us. In a voice full of fear and so quiet that we could barely hear her, she said, "I don't mean to do anything to harm your relationship, Dawn. You have been nothing but kind and accepting of me ever since I moved in and-"

"It's alright, it's alright," Dawn stated warmly, holding a hand up to forestall any further protests from Kim. "I understand."

"I'm sorry," Kim repeated.

"You don't need to be," Dawn said. Taking a deep breath, she then reached over and touched my forearm. "You know what, I'm going to go back downstairs and leave you two alone."

"What?" I chirped in surprise.

"It's okay," Dawn reassured us both. "I think this will go better if the two of you just talk alone. Kim, I think, will relax a bit more with me gone."

Kim didn't respond, still staring at the floor. I looked at her, then back at my girlfriend. I'd have felt more comfortable with Dawn's support and insight to do this, but she was probably right.

Dawn then touched Kim's arm, saying encouragingly, "You'll feel like you can be more honest without me being in the room. Just know that I'm okay with everything, and I don't hold anything against you. Ben's great, and I'm happy we can both be a part of your life."

Kim blinked a few times, squeezing out a bit of the moisture that had been forming in her eyes. She didn't respond verbally, but she nodded.

Dawn got up, coming to me and kissing my cheek before leaving and closing the door behind her. I took a deep breath, then got up and took Dawn's place on the bed.

"Kim," I began slowly. "Are you in love with me?"

She didn't answer immediately. I took another deep breath, wondering if I should command her to tell me, but just when I was about to do so, she mumbled almost inaudibly, "Yes."

I nodded slowly. "I'm sorry about the weekend. It was my idea to visit your family, and I didn't realize what kind of pressure this whole thing would put on you. I was just trying to understand you better, especially after what you said about missing your dad the other night. I just didn't really think through all the ramifications of posing as your boyfriend and what that would do to you."