Chapter 8: Theories of Self-Interest

-- JANUARY 2005, JUNIOR YEAR --

"You're kidding." I think I felt my jaw hit the ground.

Dawn chuckled, covering her mouth with a hand while her eyes twinkled. "After all that?"

Bert just shrugged. "Chevelle dropped the program. If it's any consolation, I went up and asked her point-blank if it had anything to do with you. She said it wasn't. She'd just decided for herself that Business wasn't her career path."

I rubbed my forehead. Dawn was right. After all THAT. I could have saved myself a lot of angst and just not slept with her. Then again, having the disappointment with Chevelle had made my resolve to NOT sleep with Eden and Emma (and Elaine) that much stronger, which was a good thing. So there was a silver lining in all this. "At least she finished the semester and got her credits," I sighed.

"There's that," Dawn agreed.

"So where does this leave the team?" Kim asked quietly.

Taking a deep breath, I thought about that for a moment and shrugged. "There are two other teams with only five people. With student attrition besides Chevelle, I'm sure there will be a couple more. My guess is that Professor Ice leaves us at five."

My three other roommates/teammates nodded their understanding.

Just then, Sasha jogged up to us, a concerned look on her face. "Hey, did you guys hear about Chevelle?"

I nodded, and then waved to the lecture hall door where Professor Isakova's second semester class awaited. "Life goes on."

As it turned out, getting Chevelle to finish the semester wasn't the only good thing to come out of our "failed" sexual encounter. The self-styled hippie wasn't exactly known for being able to keep her mouth shut. And she apparently ran in a circle of friends that was intimately connected to the campus rumor mill. It was probably how she'd found out so quickly after Dawn and I seduced the Chi Omegas back in November.

The point is: Chevelle's pronouncement that my bedroom prowess was all hype had hit the streets the day after our encounter back in December. With several weeks to expand and grow, even with the population depressed over Winter Break, the notion that "Big Ben" wasn't an infallible sex god had spread like a virus. Sure, there were a couple of voices of dissent, mostly from Tri-Delts who had already experienced the real thing. But the damage to my reputation had already been done.

The end result: Like flash mobs, LiveSTRONG wristbands, and the Atkins Diet, my surge in popularity had peaked and was falling into decline.

Thank GAWD.

Don't get me wrong: I'd enjoyed the attention. A million guys on the planet would KILL to have been in my shoes, having scores of hot college co-eds approaching him with the intent of ultimately having sex. But at the same time, "Big Ben" wasn't who I really was. There was more to me than just the sex god, and it would be nice to live out the rest of my Cal Berkeley career without all the distractions.

Besides, as the girls were fond of saying: I had a "harem" waiting for me at home.

Or so I thought.

Dawn and I returned home at the end of our academic day, turning off the sidewalk and heading up the front porch steps. It had been quite the grind getting back into the groove of classes and lectures, and I felt like some good old-fashioned therapy, Ben-style. "You want to make some pasta for dinner? Load up on carbs?" I suggested. "Then we can grab our little sisters and have a mini-party in our bedroom. It's been a few weeks since we got to play around with DJ."

Dawn smiled initially, but then immediately winced. "Uh, about that."

"What?" I asked, already opening the front door.

"Well, I was supposed to warn you. DJ was telling me this morning that-"

"Hi, guys," DJ's voice greeted us from within the house.

I turned my head around, looking into the living room with an easy smile on my face. But that smile dropped as my eyebrows popped in surprise. DJ and Brooke were sitting in the living room, not unusual but not that common either since our little sisters usually hung out at Vivian Wang's place in the afternoon. Even less common was the presence of two young men, each seated beside a little sister.

Brooke stood up first, then glared down and kicked the shin of the guy beside her. Blushing, he stood up as well. DJ and her guy stood up seconds later. Brooke explained, "Sorry. Didn't mean to surprise you or anything. Deej and I thought we should probably introduce the boyfriends."

"Boyfriends?" I asked, still surprised. Immediately, big brother protectiveness washed away any sense of arousal, and I felt my spine tense up. Dawn's hand was immediately at my lower back, stroking soothingly. Somehow she just knew to start calming me down. I angled a look to Brooke, clearly asking with my eyes, 'What about Andrew?' But I didn't dare voice the question since I didn't know if Brooke's new beau knew about her Oregon boyfriend.

Brooke smiled. "You're probably wondering about Andrew. We talked over the break and agreed to see other people. This is Joel," she introduced. "Joel, this is my big brother Ben."

"Pleased to meet you," Joel said politely while stepping forward to shake my hand. The instant he spoke, I relaxed my guard. There was something about the tone of his voice, the firmness of his handshake, and the look of his eyes that put me at ease. Joel wasn't a charmer or a player of any type. If anything, he seemed very much like Andrew in that he was a truly nice kid who would probably let Brooke manipulate the hell out of him.

"You, too," I replied. "Just be careful around my little sis. She's got a vicious temper."

"Bennn..." Brooke whined.

"And so do I. You hurt her, and I'll very gently rip your head off."

"BEN!" Brooke complained again.

I grinned. Whether I thought he was harmless or not, it couldn't hurt to put a little fear into the boy.

"Dawn, this is Josh," DJ introduced on the other side. "Josh, this is Dawn."

My girlfriend grinned at her little sister. "Kinda knew you wouldn't stay single for long."

DJ blushed and glanced down.

"Keep her out of trouble, will ya?" Dawn asked Josh while they shook hands.

"Of course," Josh replied, a twinkle of mischief in his eyes belying his words. He gave off the air of being a little cockier than Joel, a little surer of himself, and I got the impression he would rather get DJ into trouble than out of it. But then that fit, since DJ needed a guy who could keep up with her.

"DJ's like a little sister to me," I added. "You hurt her, and I'll very violently rip your head off."

"BEN!" DJ groaned.

Dawn and I both chuckled.

"Anyways," Brooke said, sliding her hands into Joel's. "We're meeting up at Vivian's place. We'll see you guys later?"

"Pasta for dinner tonight," Dawn stated, glancing at me with a little wink. "It's a school night and I want you girls coming home."

Brooke sighed but nodded.

DJ, on the other hand, flashed me a pixie wink of her own. "Yeah, yeah. We'll see you for dinner."

And after dinner, I thought, my mind returning back to that mini-party idea. I hope Josh didn't catch the rather wolfish look I gave DJ right then.

I thrust forward a final time, grunting my orgasm into DJ's ear as a quart of spunk flowed out of me and into her sucking pussy. My girlfriend's little sister tilted her head back so far that she was looking upside-down at the headboard, screaming her orgasm for all to hear. And her calves clamped down around the back of my neck, pulling hard enough that I was worried she'd pop my freakin' head off.

"Unnngh! Oh, Brooke!" Dawn screeched next to me, howling until she pushed her face into the pillow in front of her, muffling her orgasmic sounds.

"Whew," Brooke sighed, sliding out of Dawn's ass and then sitting down on her heels, looking quite odd with the penis-shaped strap-on dildo buckled around her waist.

A faint buzzing sound continued. And while DJ and Dawn both groaned in post-orgasmic shock, Brooke picked her head up and mumbled, "Oops." She then reached forward, sliding the buzzing vibrator out of Dawn's saturated pussy. Only then did my girlfriend let her legs collapse as she fell face down on the mattress.

"Mmm ... Way to start the New Year. Welcome back, guys," DJ hummed, rubbing my shoulders.

"Good to be back," I said tiredly. DJ and I exchanged little kisses before I did a push up and finally withdrew myself from her body.

Brooke unbuckled herself from the harness and then retrieved some baby wipes to clean up Dawn. And the four of us lounged on the big King-sized bed, oblivious to each other's nudity.

"So ... boyfriends, huh?" I asked with raised eyebrows. "Thought you were going to lay off boys for a while."

"It's BEEN a while," DJ shrugged. "But I think I've adjusted to college life and the whole study/sleep balance thing. And I've missed having a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong: having you home is great and all. But that's just sex. Josh really took the time to romance me, especially in the last couple of weeks over Winter Break."

"Hey-hey, no need to defend yourself. I'm happy for you." I held up my hands. "But don't you think your boyfriend might mind what we just did?"

DJ snorted. "You're Ben. You don't count."

"Not sure Josh would agree."

"Then don't tell him," DJ smirked. There was a naughty twinkle in her eyes as she looked at me.

"How 'bout you?" I asked, looking over to Brooke. "What happened with Andrew?"

Brooke shrugged. "It just sucked trying to be long-distance and all. He's got a cute girl who's been coming onto him, and Joel has been crushing on me for months. We got to talking during Christmas and just decided to let things go. These school-relationships are casual. I'm sure Andrew and I will be the same as always come summer camp, just like you and Dawn."

I raised my eyebrows and met Dawn's eyes. Both of us were thinking the same thing. I started by saying, "Uh, just so you're fairly warned..."

" ... Things weren't always smooth sailing for us," Dawn finished.

Brooke laughed. "Oh, I know. And yet here you are."

Dawn extended her hand out to mine, and I squeezed it tenderly. "Yes. Here we are."

"How many of you have seen A Beautiful Mind?" Professor Isakova asked from the podium.

Hands went up all over the room.

"For those of you that haven't, this won't give away too much of the story. For those of you that have, let me refresh your memory." Professor Isakova lowered the screen. Turning off the lights, she hit play and we were treated to a short clip from the movie, in which Russell Crowe's John Nash finds himself in a bar with his friends while they check out a pack of young women.

Everyone's eyes are drawn to the hot blonde (including mine), but Nash figures out that if all the guys go for the blonde, they'll get in each other's way and ultimately go home alone. However, if the guys cooperate and go for the other girls, no one gets the blonde, but they all can win by hooking up with someone else.

When Viktoriya stopped the DVD and turned the lights back on, I quickly pointed out, "You know that has nothing to do with Nash's actual theory."

"Of course I do." She smirked at me. "And no cheating since we covered this during your internship."

I blushed and glanced to my left at Kim. She mimed zipping her lip.

The Professor Ice façade back on, Viktoriya returned her attention to the classroom at large. "Still, the movie illustrates a very basic point about economics: self-interest. More to the point, self-centeredness."

The moment she said the word "self-centered", something stirred in the back of my memory.

"At the heart of business is the idea of competition," Professor Isakova continued. "Company A wants to make money off of customer X. Company B also wants to make money off customer X. But customer X only has so much money, so Companies A and B must compete for it, no?"

The class more or less nodded. A couple of students raised their hands with their own ideas.

"But let's say Companies A and B can't BOTH have Nash's blonde," the Professor continued. "What do they do? Do they both aggressively pursue the blonde, potentially undercutting each other to the point where they both lose? Or do they perhaps cooperate, such that they get other targets, without interfering with the other's pursuit, so that they both win?"

"Isn't that an Antitrust violation?" a guy in the back queried.

"Well, yes, in certain forms. But that's an extra wrinkle I'll get to later."

"They do both, depending on the situation," Sasha answered the Professor's question. "If the situation is truly like Nash's bar, then they'll most likely choose cooperation."

Professor Ice gave her a curious look. "But why? What if Company A really wants the blonde? She's tall, beautiful, with a body to die for. Could a company really give her up?"

Bert snorted, "If the company has no clear advantage to win, then probably yes. If our Company A is a heterosexual male that wants to get laid, then I think he'd value getting laid with someone, even if it's not the blonde, over striking out with the blonde. Just like in the movie."

"We talking about girls or customers?" Dawn laughed.

"Same difference," Bert waved her off.

The Professor nodded. "So ... would you say it's in Company A's best interest to not pursue the blonde, even though he/it might want her?"

"Yes."

A guy to our left interrupted. "But what if Company B sees A backing off, and decides to go after the blonde?"

The Professor just kept her mouth shut and looked across the class for a response.

No one answered immediately, so I piped up. "It depends. If B is hostile, and therefore not acting in cooperation, then maybe A fights B anyway. Even if A doesn't win, at least he might make B lose. Also, tall, beautiful blondes are sometimes difficult to land. B might fail anyway, whereas A might have an easier time with one of the other girls. On the other hand, if B is a friend, maybe A lets him have her. B will know this, and maybe B will owe A a favor later on. At the very least, making B happy will help improve A's relationship with him."

Viktoriya grinned at me, then at Dawn. "Clearly, you have no problem landing tall, beautiful blondes."

Dawn blushed and the class tittered.

"We're talking hypothetical companies and hypothetical blondes," I drawled.

Viktoriya just laughed. "You're right, Ben. But didn't I tell you 'no cheating'?"

Now I was blushing.

Professor Ice returned her attention to the class. "Now for the big question: What is driving Company A to decide what it does, in every single instance?"

Cooperate with B to get other girls? Interfere with a hostile B just to keep B from winning? Or give the blonde to a friendly B? They were all very different actions. But the Professor had already given us the answer.

Sasha spoke up first. "Self-centeredness."

"Exactly."

Dawn frowned. "I don't get it."

"It's like this," Bert volunteered, turning to her. "If I can't get the blonde because of competition, but I can get another girl through cooperation, then it's in my best interest to take that course of action. It's not because I want to cooperate for the sake of cooperation, it's because it's best for ME. Same with the other actions. Stopping a hostile B from getting the blonde keeps the competition down, which is better for my future even if it seems pointless or petty for my present. And giving a friendly B the blonde earns me favors for the future as well. It all comes back to what is best for me."

"What?" Dawn frowned. "That sounds kinda ... cold."

"Perhaps," Sasha put in. "But think about it in terms of companies again, not people. What is the ultimate goal of a company? To make the world a better place?"

"Pssht," Bert snorted. "It's to make money. It's to turn a profit and ensure its own survival in the future. Well, either that or to sell itself off for a boatload of cash."

"Precisely," Sasha nodded.

"So..." Dawn sighed, looking thoughtfully at Professor Ice. "You want us to understand that every company is self-centered. Every company does everything, including helping or hindering other companies, because that company thinks that those actions will ultimately help itself."

Our Professor nodded. "To do business otherwise would be ... bad business."

Dawn giggled. "So what does this say about men?"

Viktoriya just waved her hand at me. "Same difference."

This early in the semester, Professor Ice wasn't giving us team assignments just yet. Still, the five of us had planned to have lunch together, so we settled into our usual spot for about an hour, just chatting.

After lunch with the project team, we split up and went our separate ways. Bert and Kim headed in one direction, Sasha another, leaving me to walk Dawn to her next class. Unlike previous semesters, we weren't able to get our schedules to line up perfectly. In fact, we only had Professor Ice's class in common. Now, I had a free hour while Dawn needed to get clear across campus for her class on Psychology of Gender.

I held out my hand and she slipped hers into mine, knotting our fingers before sighing. "Do guys really think like a Nash Equilibrium?"

I snorted. "I think you're giving us more credit than we deserve. I've seen five guys go for the hot blonde while ignoring other available girls. Second-level thought isn't exactly our strong suit."

Dawn chuckled. "I guess you're right. But then Viktoriya was pointing straight at you at the end of that discussion."

"Was she?"

"Mmm-hmm."

I shrugged, that ping in the back of my mind stirring back to the front. "I've never really taken the time to think about my own behavior in the form of a philosophy. But in a way, I think she's right. I'm pretty self-centered."

"Yeah, right," Dawn chortled. "You're the least selfish guy I know. Always running off to put out fires for other people. Diving recklessly into bad situations to rescue a friend, or even a total stranger sometimes."

I shrugged. "I didn't say 'selfish'. I said 'self-centered'. There's a difference."

"What?"

"Someone who is selfish is only concerned with their own satisfaction, without regard for others. They take and take and never give back."

"I'm pretty sure that's the definition of 'self-centered', too. We can go look it up in the dictionary if you want."

I sighed. "Maybe. But I'm talking about being self-centered in the way Viktoriya was describing it in class. I'd like to think that I'm not wholly concerned with self-satisfaction without regard for others. But I would say that I approach life with the ultimate goal of self-satisfaction WITH conscious regard for others. Like the Nash Equilibrium."

"What do you mean?"

"Let's take a hypothetical situation right here and now," I said, stopping at an intersection of sidewalks between Sather Tower and Memorial Glade. "If I were selfish Ben, I'd manipulate you into going into the library over there, find some quiet corner, then rip your clothes off and fuck your brains out. Self-satisfaction without regard for your wants or needs."

Dawn smirked. "And self-centered Ben?"

"I restrain my urges, knowing that you want to get to class. I'm going to be a sweet, patient, affectionate boyfriend who spends his free hour walking you clear across campus and then walking back, with the ultimate goal of having you feel both appreciated and grateful so that when you return home, you rip my clothes off and fuck my brains out. And then maybe we'll do it again and again. Sure, I could have headed straight home and played video games with Bert during this time. But I'm willing to sacrifice a little short-term self-satisfaction in order to make a companion happy, thus leading to longer-term self-satisfaction."

Dawn laughed at me. "Tall, hot blondes in bars. Fucking my brains out in a library stack. Do you always think in terms of sex?"

I grinned. "Yep." I started walking again, and Dawn went with me, still holding my hand.

"So you're saying that everything you do, you do with the ultimate goal of making yourself happy in the long run."

"Pretty much." I nodded.

"Why do I feel like we've had this conversation before?"

That niggling thought in the back of my mind sprang to life, and I grinned. "I think we did. At the end of last year when you thought you were becoming a self-centered bitch."

Dawn blushed and looked down. "That's right. The day we got back together."

I nodded.

Suddenly, Dawn looked worried. "I haven't been, have I? A self-centered bitch that is."

My eyebrows furrowed. "No, of course not. You've been the best girlfriend ever!"

"Have I?"

I smiled warmly and squeezed her hand, which I'd never let go of up to this point. "Of course you have. Putting aside the mind-blowing sex..." (Dawn giggled) "You've always got food on the table, you're a perfect study partner, and you've been my constant companion. I've really loved spending so much time with you."

Dawn smiled wanly.

"And now I WILL mention the mind-blowing sex," I continued. "We're incredible together, and how many guys would drop everything in a heartbeat for a chance to be with Viktoriya, the Tri-Delts, or Sydney and Heidi at New Year's?"

Dawn giggled again. "It HAS been fun." But she still looked worried, and the blue of her eyes were a little dull.

"Hey..." I stopped again, drawing her into me and wrapping my arms around her waist. "What's wrong?"

She took a deep breath. "I've really been trying hard at this, to not be the bitch. I always wanted to think about what you would want, to anticipate your needs. I didn't want to just think about myself. I wanted to think of you."

There was something off in her tone, and I got worried. "Wait ... is THAT why we've been having so many hookups? Because you were doing what you thought I wanted?"

"Didn't you want them?"

"I told you: I only NEED you."

"'Need', of course. But ... didn't you want those girls?"

"Didn't you?" I asked, suddenly worried. "Ohmigawd. Is that what's bothering you? Have you WANTED to keep me for yourself but you were only letting me-"

"No, no. Not at all!" Dawn cut me off. She leaned her head in to mine and whispered a little more quietly, recognizing that we were still in a pretty public area. "It's quite the opposite, actually. I loved those hookups. I told you: I wanted to cut loose a little bit after being all ... conservative ... with Ryan. I just ... I'm worried that I was initiating things with all those girls for me, for my own selfish lusts, and that I was dragging you into them. You didn't really want them, did you? You were just going along with things because I wanted to have fun."

I couldn't help but laugh. Was THIS what Dawn was worried about? She wanted to apologize for dragging me into mind-blowing sex with a variety of hot babes?

"This isn't funny!" Dawn pouted.

"It's not, it's not," I agreed, nevertheless having a hard time controlling my chuckles. "Oh, baby ... we BOTH had fun, okay? You wanted to and I certainly enjoyed it. There's nothing to apologize for. And I think this is one situation where we BOTH got the tall, hot blonde. I'd say that means we're a pretty good partnership."

"There's that..." she agreed, smiling wistfully. I would have thought she'd be relieved, but her eyes were still the dull blue.

"Hey..." I squeezed her into another hug. "What else is bugging you? For once, it doesn't seem like sex is the problem. But what is?"

"I was thinking about that day in the car, when we were driving to Megan's house for New Year's Eve."

"What about it?" I asked, jogging through my own memory.

"We talked about freedom," she said quietly, not meeting my eyes.

"I remember."

She took a deep breath, staring off into the distance. "It's just ... with Ryan ... I was sooo buttoned-up. We were one-on-one, no other girls, no anal. Things just felt ... vanilla. Ryan wasn't even into trying out weird positions."

"Why are we talking about Ryan's and your sex life?" I asked with a grimace.

Dawn cracked up, and I felt her mood immediately lighten. She shrugged and said, "Being with you has been like a breath of fresh air. I feel like I was cooped up for three years and only now I'm being let out of the corral. Things have been great. Things have been fun."

I smiled. "Is THAT why you've been so wild and crazy these past few months? Making up for lost time?"

Dawn giggled and flashed me a grin. "Well ... probably."

I pouted. "Aw, and I thought it was just excitement to be with me."

"It IS." Dawn smacked my arm. But she went quiet again, biting her lower lip nervously. "And then that night ... with Kenny..."

I frowned. "What about Kenny?"

She hesitated. "Do you regret it?"

"What?"

She grimaced. "Letting me sleep with him."

I thought about the absolutely incredible five-way orgy we'd had that night. At one point, Dawn was at the center of it all, with my dick up her ass, Kenny's in her cunt, Heidi's pussy in her face, and Sydney's mouth wrapped around her nipples. All I could do was grin at the memory. "Regret? Hell, no. That was one of the most incredible fucks of my life."

"Even though I took another man's dick inside my body?" she whispered extremely quietly.

I took a deep breath. While the situation wasn't ideal (I might have preferred Kenny be replaced by another hot chick wielding a strap-on), it really didn't bother me. "No, that was okay," I stated confidently. "I have no worries about Kenny stealing you from me, the same as you don't worry about any of these girls stealing me. You were the one who told me that the most important part of sexual satisfaction for a girl is not orgasm, but the connection to the person they're with. The rest is just sex, and if we're going to start adding up partners, I think I'm WAY ahead of you on that count."

Dawn took a deep breath. "Are you sure?"

I nodded. "Totally sure. I'm fine with it."

"And what if I want other freedoms?"

"You mean fucking other guys?" I asked with an arched eyebrow.

"No, no," she replied immediately, shaking her head in a firm negative. "I told you before: I no longer have any curiosities about what it might be like to be with another man. I'll admit, being double-penetrated by two live cocks was incredible, and I might ask you for that again."

"Okay," I shrugged, knowing that there was more she wanted to say.

"But I guess what I really mean is ... I'm wondering if you'll be okay with me taking other freedoms."

"Like what?"

"Like..." she sighed. "Like maybe spending less time together. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE spending time with you. But I felt like I was obligated to be with you more often, to be a good girlfriend. And I feel like I've been losing touch with my friends a bit."

I nodded. Gwen and Robin hadn't been around nearly as much as they had in past years. Toward the end of last semester, they'd started to hang out with Steven Zainal, Gwen's boyfriend, and his group of friends. And they hadn't been around our place at all this semester, although we were only a couple of days in.

"More time with your friends, sure. That's easy enough."

"And there might be other things. I haven't really thought about this before, but ... I wonder if I spent TOO much time the last few months or so trying to think too hard about being the best girlfriend for you and not enough time thinking about myself."

I frowned, suddenly feeling guilty. If Dawn had really been spending all this time trying to be the best girlfriend for me, thinking of all the things I might want or need and doing her best to make them happen ... what did that say about the kind of boyfriend I was being? Had I not been doing enough to make HER happy?

"I've spent all this time trying not to be self-centered," Dawn said. "But now you're telling me that YOU'RE self-centered."

"Hey, like I'm trying to say, being self-centered isn't a BAD thing," I said defensively.

She read my tone. "Oh, you've been a great boyfriend," she said quickly, holding her hands up appeasingly. "Really, I have NO complaints. So don't think that you've been doing a poor job of taking care of MY needs. I'm fine. Really, I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine. You sound pretty stressed out about this, actually."

"I just find that I'm reevaluating the way I'm approaching my life." Dawn chuckled. "Seems like I've been doing a LOT of that the last year or so."

"It's been a roller coaster," I agreed. I held Dawn at arm's length, staring intently into her eyes and locking our gazes onto each other.