Addendum-Houston

Kelly welcomed me back into her life with a bit of fear on her part. I mean she was really happy to see me, there was no hiding that, nor denying it. But after all this time together, she had been distinctly uncomfortable that my instinct was to run away rather than face this together- as we should have, frankly. Kelly asked me to sit with her in the living room, and I of course did so.

“We really need to talk, Johnny,” she said. The infamous words wives say when their husbands are unlikely to enjoy the conversation proposed.

“You’re upset that I left like that,” I said, not exactly showing exceptional deductive skills.

“Obviously,” she replied, “But I can tell that you ... realized that you don’t need alone time anymore.”

“It was that,” I said, “And it was ... Realizing a few things.”

“Like what you had with Rachel will never be again?”

“That was part of it,” I admitted, “I know you feel like you live in her shadow, and in all honesty, there is truth to that. You don’t deserve it, you couldn’t be a more perfect partner, Kelly. Life with her was more thrilling, more crazy, more ... I don’t know how to put it.”

I know that with a lot of partners, pure and complete honesty is not always the best policy. In my case, though, this girl knew me. There was no hiding the truth from her, and so I gave her the whole unvarnished truth, at least as far as I could.

“Thrilling works,” she smiled knowingly at me. As I said, this woman gets me, and its scary that she loves me even though she understands me. “You went all over the country doing all kinds of crazy things. You lived as if your world could end tomorrow, and the way you did it, it is astonishing it didn’t. You spent money like you didn’t want it, you ordered your own world as you wanted it, and sometimes reoriented the outside world, too. I can’t provide that for you, I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, Kelly,” I said, “Life with you is an adventure. That’s what I realized; its just a different adventure. Raising our kids, building the farm, running the store, your career. Its an adventure of its own. Its exciting, in its own way. Young Rachel is almost an adult already. I’ve watched her falling in love with a good man; I wish it wasn’t her half brother, but they seem so happy together.”

Kelly choked suddenly as she said, “Why do you keep going out and looking for her, then? What do I fail to provide you, damnit?”

“You don’t fail to provide anything, Kelly,” I said, “I couldn’t reasonably ask more of you, from you.”

“I’m not Rachel,” she said.

“No, you aren’t,” I said, “You’re better. You’re a better mother, a better partner, a kinder human being, warmer, sweeter, and far less vicious.”

“Then why do you keep longing for her?”

“I loved her, Kelly,” I said, “I’ve never denied that to you. I long for my father, too. I mean yes, I admit its different, but ... I mean I’ve told you all the times Rachel and I had together.” I was starting to get annoyed, because I wasn’t sure how to put this.

“We have fun together,” Kelly growled, “We have had a lot of fun, we do.”

“Can I try and explain this differently?”

“Try me,” she grumbled.

“I don’t long for her,” I said, “Not to replace you. At this stage in my life, the ways I enjoyed her company better than I do yours, they don’t apply anymore. I couldn’t do the things I used to do with her. I wish she was here with us, you’d love her, Kelly. You’re confusing a stronger emotional bond with longing for the glory days.”

“Fuck you,” she said, taking me aback, “You have a stronger emotional bond with her, I know you do.”

“I had a stronger emotional bond with her initially, yes,” I said, “But its not true anymore. It was my emotional bond with you that was largely responsible for me doing a U-turn at New Orleans and coming straight home, Kelly. I ran from her when I met Josh. I’m not going to lie to you, Kelly. I promised you that a long time ago. Our emotional bond is just as strong, and that is the absolute truth.

“I am not looking for having Rachel back, so much as I am looking for having the life Rachel and I had back. I’m not going to lie to you; I enjoyed that life more. I was totally free then; I had no constraints, no responsibilities. Your mom took all the responsibilities I had for me. I could treat the world like it was my playground. I could cheat death all the time, and I did. I could act on every impulse. I could have relationships with whomever, and not bother worrying about the consequences.

“How could I not want to be back to being 34 years old, able to do whatever the hell I wanted, both in terms of consequences, and in physical ability? Now I have to live in the real world. I have to worry about my family. I have to be concerned with what you think, what the rest of my family thinks. I have to worry about bringing up my own kids, and how they turn out. I get to wake up four times a night to take a piss.

“I get to be concerned about Rachel and Josh and how the world will perceive their relationship. I get to worry about your health. My health. Their health. The whole families health. The family finances. Being prepared for a rainy day.” I was getting shrill.

“Johnny,” she said softly. I forced myself to calm down a bit.

“You know,” I said, “I had a nightmare the night before Rachel and I conceived Josh. It was a nightmare about all those responsibilities and problems of living a life in the real world. Having a life like this was my greatest fear in the whole world, Kelly. Well here I am, living in something a lot closer to the real world than I would have been able to stomach 19 years ago. So yes, Kelly, I long for moving back to a world where all I had to do was make penny-ante room-and-board wages, keep moving, and occasionally spend far too much money on ridiculous things.

“I long for a life where I measured my accomplishments in number of monsters removed from circulation. But you don’t understand at all, Kelly.”

“What don’t I understand?”

“I love you,” I said to her, “I enjoy our life together. I enjoy our family, and our kids. They are an even greater accomplishment. Having these things is worth worrying about them. I look at our kids together, we made those things. We turned them into what they are. We built the farm and the businesses. We made this house into a home. Josh and Rachel are teenagers- and they have always respected us.

“I’m a freak, Kelly, and god damnit, we are good parents. I’m a good parent. Who the hell would have ever believed I could be a good parent? I make you happy ... I hope.”

“You make me more than happy,” Kelly said, hugging me, “I get it now. I understand. Please don’t leave me alone like that again, please. I was worried sick you’d not come back.”

“I was always going to come back, Kelly,” I kissed the top of her head, “I couldn’t give up all of this.”

“What happened in New Orleans? I know there is more to this than just you having a revelation thinking on the train.”

“Did I ever tell you about Ambrosine LaRogue?” I asked her.

“You knew Ambrosine LaRogue?” Kelly asked, “The same one who owned Ambrosine’s in New Orleans?”

“She’s famous?”

“I should know better than to think you keep up with that stuff,” she rolled her eyes.

“Yes, I knew her,” I said, “Actually, I met her in 1985, just after I burned up that Cadillac. I know I told you that story.”

She shot me a look that basically said, “No shit, Sherlock.”

“I ended up on the City of New Orleans, and had breakfast with her,” I said, “We kinda hit it off pretty well, and she invited me to come and work at her restaurant. I was looking for room, board, and money, so I took it. She wanted to show me all about food, and I let her. Afterwards we ended up drunk, dancing, and then in bed together. It was nice, but it didn’t get sexual ... not then.”

“You slept with her?”

“Well, I slept with her then, but we didn’t have sex,” I said, “She kicked me out when I told her I didn’t want to go that far. But I ended up going back there shortly after meeting your mom, as one of several things I did to try and convince myself I wasn’t in love with Rachel the way I thought I was in love with Rachel. We were together for a while, couple of months I think. We had sex that time. She eventually demanded that I marry her, and I was off like a rabbit.”

“You were like that with a lot of women,” Kelly observed, “I just would have thought you would have remembered this one.”

“I know that you accept all the women that I had in my life,” I told her, “But its not easy to tell the woman you finally gave your heart to about endless affairs with people.”

“But this was Ambrosine LaRogue,” Kelly insisted.

“I didn’t know she was that well known,” I countered, “I hadn’t heard of her or seen her place in 25 years almost. She kicked me out of there in late 1995, I went to the restaurant with Rachel.”

“You went to the restaurant of a woman who loved you... with Rachel?”

“I didn’t understand how she felt,” I said, “Anyway I respected her wishes, which I guess was a mistake.”

“You didn’t know she died?”

“I just told you, I hadn’t seen or heard of her in 25- well 23- years,” I intoned, “Anyway, I went back there first thing when I got to New Orleans. Not only did I find out she was dead, I found out something that really shocked me.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, have you heard of her son?”

“Jean-Louis? He’s a very famous chef in his own right, yes.”

“His grandfather’s name is Louis,” I said, “But why do you think he is named Jean?”

“No way,” Kelly said, “You aren’t saying that he is...”

“Yes,” I said a bit upset, “He is my son.”

“So,” she said, “Does he like his father?”

“Well,” I said, “He hates his father, but he likes me. Brozee worked him up to hate his father, and then realized it was a mistake. Then she described me as somebody else and built me up.” I reached into my backpack and handed her the letter.

She read it with interest.

“He still doesn’t know you are his father?”

“I’m not going to disrespect her last wishes,” I said, “Especially after all those years of disrespecting her. But I realized, I mean, I was already thinking running away was a mistake. But I realized that all I wanted was to keep the things that mean the most to me even closer. You, the kids, the rest of the family. The things we built. All staying away was going to do is make things worse. So I came back.”

She kissed me, took me by the hand, and dragged me up the stairs and back to bed.

Afterwards, we both made our way back to work. I had a lot of work to do; it was time for another run to the farm, and we had to get stuff moving on the Thanksgiving holiday. We had been working on this for months, admittedly. After making sure that my eminently capable store workers were doing their jobs well, I set off to the farm.

This was the hardest time of the year, one of the reasons it had been so unforgivable to leave at this moment. In a few weeks we would have to delver 600 turkeys, 400 hams, thousands of pounds of potatoes, thousands of ears of sweet corn, and the list goes on and on. All over the course of just three days. We actually were planning on shutting down the store for the Saturday and Sunday before the holiday, so that we could get store workers helping on the farm.

The farm workers and some of the family would be at the store to help with the sales of all of the items of the Thanksgiving feast. The family who wasn’t working at the store would be at home, slaving over the kitchens for the biggest feast of the year. All of the farms vans and trucks would be harnessed into service delivering product to the store; the big reefer Sprinter would be operating as a shuttle, practically. I anticipated revenue this year of close to $200k for the week, just out of the store.

We had large runs on other meat, we sold tons of dairy, liquor sales would be up from the norm, too. It was Thanksgiving, the busiest season of our year. I was anticipating sales of other items; we had actually capped sales on the turkeys and hams this year; I had turned people away. Next year we planned to increase production another 50% and see what happened.

When I got to the farm, everyone was there to greet me and convince me my return was highly anticipated and greatly valued. It was weird because as far as they were concerned, I wasn’t gone an inordinate amount of time. But I guess they were all afraid I’d disappear for a while, too.

Cheryl dragged me into her study when everyone had gotten over the fact that I had appeared in the flesh back on the farm.

“Yer’ll roit promise me that yer won’t do that ter Kelly again,” Cheryl said, “Yer scared the life out o’ ‘er, yer did.”

“Oi roit promise yer, Oi do.”

“Don’t mock me, lovey,” she tried not to smile, “She were completely comin’ apart, callin’ me everyday and gahn on and on.”

“I’ll never do it again,” I said, “I swear on everything I hold dear. I don’t want to. I don’t want to be without her, it hurt.”

“We’re copping older now, Johnny,” Cheryl said, “We can’t go back ter bein’ yorng again, we can’t. I know she doesn’t quite understand all that, she’s too yorng, roit, and too ‘ealthy. I’ve seen yer give it a go and keep up wiv Lenny wen ‘e goes muckin’ about. Yer give it a go, and yer fail, and yer troi ter ‘ide ‘ow much that ‘urts, me lovey.”

“I don’t know why she wanted another kid, Cheryl,” I said, tacitly admitting it was one of the things that bugged me, “Lucy is so lovely, but all the years of hard living are just catching up with me.”

“Cor blimey, Johnny,” she said, “Wot yer need ter do is ‘ave ‘er ter spot w yer grew up, I think. Give it a go ter give ‘er a sense o’ the bloomin’ passage o’ time. Yer ‘ave ter roit ‘onest wiv ‘er, yer do. Tell ‘er yer don’t feel as well as yer used ter.”

“I got work to do, Cheryl,” I said, “I took on the responsibilities of being part of this family, and I got to fulfill my role.”

“Yer do more than any o’ us,” she sighed, “Even Jason doesn’t do as much as yer. And we are bloody lucky yer set up things the bloomin’ way yer did. If we was sellin’ us stuff ter middle men like the bloody uvvers, this China malarkey would ‘ave killed us. But yer can’t work alone, awlroit, then, lovey?”

“Josh needs to graduate college to learn how to run a business-”

“Are yer bloomin’ barmy?” she hissed at me, “Did yer bleedin’ go ter college?”

“Well, no.”

“W’don’t yer ‘ave ‘im workin’ for yer now, then, eh?”

“Good question,” I said, “I’ll talk to him tonight. But I got to get this load to the store.”

She kissed me. Passionately, deeply, like we used to, long ago.

“Behave, Cheryl,” I laughed.

“I’m tired of bleedin’ behaving,” she laughed, and I left the room chuckling.

Sometimes doing this work was hard on me. My muscles ached from all the lifting and loading. Fortunately, while I was talking to Cheryl, most of the loading had been done for me already, and I drove the van back to the store.

Cheryl was right; it was time for me to start training Josh. I knew from all my experience that life was about on the job training, and thats what I needed to do with him. He didn’t really need to know how to be a manager in a large company, or how to run a fortune 500. He needed to know how to manage our company; with all of its ins and outs. We weren’t quite using full business principles; we were using our experience. Maybe he could go to night school. But real world experience running our business was what he needed.

With that settled in my mind, and another hour to go on the drive, my mind started drifting to the circumstances surrounding Johnnyboy and Sally. Their relationship had sent the family into gyrations. It had resulted in changes to the very fibre of how we did things. It had scared some people, had created a partial rift between Mary Ann and the rest of the family for a time, although we had gotten it worked out.

Apparently they had been making out in a part of the old barn that was converted to a different use to make room for the expansion of the farm into a larger commercial enterprise. Having their meeting place removed, they had coyly and cautiously started making out in Sally’s room when there were few people around, or they were otherwise engaged. Anyway, my father barged in on them a few months after the wedding, and there they were- naked together on the bed.

The witnesses recall my dad’s response: “Oh brother.”

This was, eventually, the founding material for all manner of jokes, laughter, and shenanigans at family events. He couldn’t have come up with a more conducive-to-laughter ejaculation if he had tried. In those days, the decisions in the family mostly came up to me, Kelly, Jason, Samantha, and Cheryl. That decision making loop being changed was one of the things that came out of it.

Jason and Samantha, obviously, saw no problem with the relationship- they weren’t hypocrites. Cheryl was concerned about genetic issues, but could see the kids were clearly in love. Kelly had sort of seen their relationship develop the way it had, and insisted their bonding was too far along to separate them without causing severe trauma- and I knew she was right. I was not morally opposed to the particular match up, but I saw that the conditions that led to this problem were going to continue.

The decision to let their love for each other to continue was easy. I stand here and say that it was, indeed, correct. But we all agreed that continuing to have that sort of thing happen was not correct. It was a bad idea, and we needed to do something about it. Which we did.

But the relationship between Sally and Johnnyboy was a little strange among the family. They never moved out of the farmhouse. They are extremely close, but part of the agreement between them was to never have children; rather, Johnnyboy volunteered that. It was one of the few universally agreed upon objections, and he volunteered to have a vasectomy. That remains the biggest problem facing them.

Sally initially agreed to that; I think she was terrified of being torn apart from Johnnyboy. But for years afterward, and to this day really, there have been tears shed in the night from Sally that she can’t have children. Johnnyboy has also become more than a little depressed about the lack of children in their lives. Because of the unique situation in the house, it was agreed by everyone that adoption was not permissible.

Talk of artificial insemination, possibly by one of her brothers with no genetic relation to her, has been talked about. It remains something that comes up occasionally, is thoroughly debated, and then left to fester for a while. It was an issue in the family that nobody really wanted to bring up.

I got to the store, and we unloaded the truck of supplies. Then I called Kelly from the store phone, and told her that I wanted to take a trip with her, and asked her to ask for bereavement leave if she could.

“Johnny,” she replied, “We should have thought of that before. I’ll put in for it after class. We can leave tomorrow morning.”

“After Thanksgiving, Kelly,” I said, “I can’t take off now.”

We’d need to talk tonight. She is far too compliant.

I thought back to another trip we had together, in 2003. I was stuck in Houston at the time, with a bit of money, but it would take me at least five days to get home to Fargo because I had just missed the train...

“Shit,” I said out loud. Somehow I had just missed the west-bound Sunset Limited and it wouldn’t be by for two days. I realized I wasn’t going to be able to make my way to Fargo in time for Kelly’s spring break; I had planned to get there when school let out on Tuesday; the earliest I could get there now was Friday, possibly Saturday. I found a payphone, and dialed “0” followed by Cheryl’s number.

“Please say: Collect Call, Calling Car-” the toneless recording instructed me.

“Collect call,” I interrupted it.

“Please state your name,” the recording instructed me.

“Johnny,” I told it. Ringing occurred on the other line, and then a click.

“Roit good evenin’, gu-”

“I have a collect call from-” my voice said my name “- would you like to accept the charges?”

“Oi accept the bloody charges,” Cheryl said exasperatedly.

“I missed the train, Cheryl,” I said, “The earliest I can realistically be in Fargo is Saturday at about four in the morning.”

“‘ow did yer miss the chuffin’ bloody train?” she asked, not happy.

“It was running late,” I said, “The station attendant assured me it would get in around midnight, but it got in about 15 minutes earlier, and I was grabbing something to eat. I just missed.”

“Wot’s the chuffin’ next train, and w’does it go?”

“The next train is the eastbound train and it comes in about 12 hours if its running on time. It’ll bring me to New Orleans tomorrow night, but I’d have to overnight to catch the next train to Chicago. It also goes to Orlando, it would be there night after tomorrow.”

“Kelly’s always wanted ter go ter Disney World, yer know,” she said, “And after yer spend a few days there, yer can both ‘ave the bleedin’ train back ‘ere.”

“I can’t afford Disney World,” I said.

“Don’t be a daft silly bugger,” she said, “Ta.” Click.

I went back to the ticket desk and booked a roomette to Orlando, gave us four days in Orlando, and then tried to book bedrooms to Chicago, and coach from Chicago to Fargo. Unfortunately, with only two bedrooms per Viewliner car, the bedrooms were sold out on the Silver Star so the only bedroom I got was on the Capitol Limited which meant we would not be able to enjoy the night together, but I guess that was life.

The roomette available on the Sunset Limited was in the Transition-Sleeper car, a car used to access single-level baggage cars from bi-level Superliner trains, as well as serve as a crew dormitory car. It was essentially a Superliner sleeper but with all roomettes on the upper level. Since the crews didn’t even use half the space on most trains, they were sold to customers if the rest of the train was sold out.

It didn’t really matter to me which car my roomette was in; I knew how to set up my room for night mode, so the slightly lower level of crew service (the car was serviced by the adjacent cars attendant, who was thus less responsive) was not a big deal for me. I also could walk just fine so the extra distance to the dining and lounge cars was equally irrelevant to me. Walking on moving trains was not difficult for a man who has travelled on them continuously for 19 years now.

Since Union Pacific had purchased the Southern Pacific in 1996, their ability to handle their own freight trains had gone straight down the tubes. The merger had been a mess for everyone concerned, causing great lateness for both freight and Amtrak trains. In fact, according to the station agent, tonight’s two and a half hour delay of the Sunset Limited was the best time keeping it had achieved in months.

So while I was supposed to catch this train at 10:55 the next morning, I was expecting it to be late. Still, I intended to be station-bound until the train got there, to ensure I wasn’t late. I napped outside the station- I had written permission. I got up the next morning, and when the station opened, I grabbed a snack out of the vending machine. The Houston Amtrak station is located under the intersection of I-10 and I-45. No, I mean that literally. The interstate/s intersection is in the air over the station.

It is quite hard to get from the station to the rest of the city; there is practically no transit located near the station- the nearest bus stop is almost half a mile from the station. I had considered walking a distance to the Taqueria down the street from the station, but I didn’t know its hours. I was honestly paranoid about missing the train this time; I was afraid somebody might think that I was avoiding seeing Kelly, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

The train didn’t get in until 1:30, and I boarded it. They still took their time with servicing it and the crew change over; it left at 1:45. The culture of not bothering to be on time was well engrained into the psyche of the crew who worked this train. It was kind of pointless to try, in a lot of their minds, I’m sure. I was grateful that the dining car was still serving lunch- I was famished, and enjoyed the salad, hamburger, and chips that I had for lunch.

I was really looking forward to seeing Kelly, and I had never been to Disney World myself. I had a few conversations about it at lunch, dinner, and in the lounge car between. An older lady I talked to told me I seemed really excited, and if I loved the girl so much, I really should marry her. She was right, but I was probably too gruff about it. I was still trying to preserve the lifestyle I had; and Rachel’s death just two years ago was still raw as hell.

We ended up starting our ascent up the monumental Hugo Long Bridge into New Orleans a bit under three hours late, which was actually a good thing. We were scheduled for a two-hour layover in New Orleans, so we could probably make a good chunk of that time back with good crew operations. I was actually pleasantly surprised that the crew only took thirty minutes for the stop, and we departed almost exactly at midnight. I slept soundly and dreamlessly, and was woke up when we stopped in Pensacola, FL, at about 8:15, about an hour and three quarters late, so we only lost 15 overnight.

I enjoyed my breakfast; things were still largely cooked onboard then and I enjoyed scrambled eggs, toast, coffee, potatoes, and decent bacon. The train was largely empty at this point; I got a table to myself. I went into the lounge car, and played a game of poker with a few guys who I think were in the military. I think I won about $30.

I went in for lunch for another hamburger not too long after we pulled into Tallahassee, and had a conversation with an older couple who were doing a train-for-train-sakes crossing of the US heading back to their retirement village near Naples, where they were planning on packing up and driving to Sanford to take the Auto Train back north. They were a little on the grumpy side and told me that I was a bit on the old side for Disney. Didn’t bother telling them that Kelly was a bit ... less on the old side. I might be 36, but she was only 19. Ok, so I’m twice her age.

Just about when we pulled into Jacksonville- about 7, 2 hours and 20 minutes late, so our time keeping was great, I went in and had a decent dinner. I had a half roast chicken with mashed potatoes and string beans. Key lime pie for the desert was absolutely excellent. I was anticipating an arrival into Orlando about 10:30; I knew there was slack in the schedule.

And I was totally right. I grabbed my bag and hoofed it off the train. I had been anticipating calling Cheryl and finding out where we were staying when I got to Orlando, and catching a taxi there. However, Kelly was in the waiting room of the station and practically bowled me over. The older couple from lunch stared at us with considerable disdain. Scroom, though.

“Johnny,” she kissed me, “Its so great to see you, you are a sight for sore eyes I thought for sure you weren’t going to make it for spring break but mom told me you liked the idea of a vacation and she wanted to oblige and that way we can have lots of time by ourselves without the family interfering so it’ll be really really good and I rented a car, so we can just drive to the hotel mom got us the contemporary resort which is supposed to be really really nice-”

I put a finger to her mouth. She was going on and on and on in some incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic and I didn’t have a chance to interrupt, it was really quite hypnotic.

“Hello, Kelly,” I said, “It’s great to see you, too, and I love you, but lets get moving to the hotel.”

“Ok,” she said, looking a bit bashful, and still holding on to my arm as we walked.

Kelly had apparently rented a late-model Chevrolet Impala from a rental company. I thought that was a complete waste of money, considering the excellent public transit at Disney. But hey, I wasn’t paying. I let her drive, and I navigated with the map.

For some odd reason Disney has always considered themselves to be in Orlando; they aren’t. The drive to the resort was about 35 minutes long, in fact. The Amtrak station is right near Interstate 5, which you then take 14 miles, and switch to Epcot Center Drive, which you follow for another 5 miles, before merging onto “World Dr.”, and take that to an exit marked for the Contemporary Resort. We were both too tired to park the car we didn’t really need ourselves, so we decided to spend $25 a night on valet parking. Disney is the worlds greatest money-making machine; it makes Vegas look tame, I think.

The hotel was a distinct edifice, arranged as an a-frame with the Disney Monorail literally passing right through it. The rooms were arranged along the sides of the a-frame, and were actually modular and had been slid into place on the A-frame structure. Interesting and overcomplicated engineering that had turned out to be more trouble than it was worth. But, were it not for the immense profitability of the resort, it would have also qualified as one of the world’s great follies.