Chapter 8: Dallas Sure Ain't Humper County

"You What?" Homer and Connie both yelled at me. "Jesus, Wilbur, don't you have a brain in your head? You want to be charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor" Two of them yet." Connie looked about ready to crap a brick.

"Relax, they are both twenty-one years of age. I saw their driver's licenses. Now Connie, I want you to call that idiot Hoot up and complain the two young girls are going to be appearing at the Buck Horn tonight in next to nothing string bikinis. Moose and Brenda are to go get them and bring them in as soon as we are safe inside. I figure we can have a catered keg party outside the Stag Horn while we appear inside. Walt will love selling all that extra booze."

"Wilbur, you better get back on drugs and booze again. You are getting sneakier than me. You're going to do me out of my job." She was laughing at me when she said that.

"Well, Connie, sometimes I can come up with a good idea or two myself. I thought they would fill in while Em is recovering."

"Wilbur, you demented singer of dirty songs, your idea just might be more than you thought it was. Let's see how they pan out tonight."

"I think this just might get pretty interesting," Homer said. He had a dreamy look on his face. I knew what he thought would be "interesting."

It turned out to be more than just "interesting." Moose and Brenda led the way out to the roadhouse on their bikes, the garbage truck, which had become a trademark with us followed and Animal brought up the rear with Virgin Fox hanging on. The religious crazies and the plain curious were out in force.

Cars were parked along both sides to the road. Hoot was interviewing Essmer Hogben on camera. I counted three different news services out in force as they took in everything.

Moose and Brenda stopped as soon as they reached the parking lot. "When that garbage truck comes through, I am going to personally kick the shit out of anyone who tries to stop it. He grabbed a length of chain with a slug of steel on the end and started swinging it in a lazy arc back and forth.

Like magic the way in front of us was cleared. We drove around to the back and headed inside. Animal and Virgin came in with us while Brenda and Moose headed back toward town to pick up the latest two additions to our happy bunch of misfits.

We tuned up and Homer started in with all the new stuff, beginning with the "Bumstead Saga." The crowd yelled its approval and we settled down to the two of us trying to keep the thirsty customers happy. I told Walt to take a speaker outside and start selling booze in the parking lot.

"Damn, but I'm glad I thought of that," he said and sent Annie outside to take orders out there. I told Virgin Fox to help serve drinks. She grinned and started taking orders. Brenda and Moose brought Betty and Nadine through the crowd and handed them up on the stage. Then both Brenda and Moose started to tend bar. Animal mostly wandered through the crowd and kept the wilder drunks settled down.

I wanted to get a sip of beer so I had Homer play a solo. He started picking out some delta country blues. Nadine began to do a slow,

sliding shuffle with just barely enough movement to it to make her fin

e little breasts bobble up and down. The narrow nipple ribbon didn't restrain her a bit. Betty began doing a bounce to the music double time. The crowd roared its approval. Both girls had a pretty good sense of rhythm. With their builds they could have just stood there and smiled and the males present would have loved the live entertainment.

The news cameras came inside and caught all the action. Tom Judge was in the back with his camera crew. A couple of lovers over in the back corner booth we had named "Lovers Lane" were giving each other their all. All you could really see were shadows. But those shadows were suggestive as hell. One of Tom's cameras was trained on the shadowy pair. The other camera was kept aimed straight at us up on the stage. He was making ready for another album. Connie saw the action and hurried over to greet him. (And to make another deal while she was at it.)

Then the sheriff arrived. He came in person and stood inside the door. We became aware of him almost at once. We stopped playing and looked at the door. The whole audience quieted down and everyone turned to look at what we were looking at, namely the sheriff.

"I truly hate to arrest my favorite cousin's only son, but I got a complaint you are leading two young ladies from the path of righteousness. To wit, if those two delectable looking little snuggle bunnies standing up there on the stage do not have proof they are of the age of consent, you are under arrest Wilbur, and your friend Homer as well." He didn't look too happy about the whole proceedings, but he had to follow the law, especially this close to election time.

"Well, if you'll step up here on the stage, these two young ladies who are so obviously of the female persuasion will show you their drivers' licenses. If the Great State Of Oklahoma says they are twenty-one, I figure that should be good enough for you." I bowed to him and he came up and held his hand out to Nadine. She swaggered over to him and managed to rub her left boob against his hand as she produced her driver's license.

"Oh shit, but you are fine," he told her in an almost whisper. The microphone picked up that whisper and relayed it to the big speakers. He looked at her driver's license and nodded once.

Betty strutted up to him and held out her driver's license. His hands was shaking as he took it from her and looked at it. As he handed it back, Betty said in a sweet voice, "Sheriff, if you'll kiss me up here on the stage I guarantee you that every man in this place will vote for you at least twice. He stopped and looked at her in surprise. She threw her arms around his neck and planted a soul kiss on and in his mouth that made his knees buckle. She stepped back and the lawman staggered down the steps from the stage.

Everybody cheered and Brenda brought him a drink. It was a double shot of something. He slugged it down and someone else handed him another drink. His deputies looked on enviously until Virgin Fox who had stripped to her undies served them a couple of drinks. Two hours later the sheriff and his deputies were laid out in the back room comatose as hell. The news cameras got it all as well as Tom Judge and everybody was happy as could be.

Homer played and I sang and the girls danced. Moose brought a five string banjo up on stage. He and Homer played their own version of dueling banjos that ended up with both of them doing a takeoff on flight of the bumble bee. They were both winded when they hit the last note. I sang "Cool Water" without accompaniment and called it a set.

Tom Judge came up as we left the stage and said flatly, "I'm going to shop that duet around. You boys just made yourselves a chart buster."

Our ever the hustler Connie told him, "Oh no, you will feature that one on their next album. You get the releases signed and we'll do the whole "Deliverance" sound track with guitar and banjo and anything else the boys want to throw in."