Chapter 7: A Baby Named Reo And Other Good Things

Emily smiled when we all slipped in to her room. "Family only," a waddling old nurse yelled at us. "Shoo. Shoo-shoo."

"We're the husbands," Homer said and we went on in.

"I'm the sister," Brenda said.

"I'm the goddam' baby brother." Moose said, grinning.

"I'm the other wife and business manager. They don't sign anything without me." Connie said and shoved the old dinosaur out of the way.

"Beat it," Brenda told the unhappy nurse and pulled a knife out of her boot. The nurse decided she had business elsewhere. Brenda shook her head and put the knife away.

"Did you see little Reo?" sweet Emily asked.

"Reo!" we all yelled together. Since I was senior husband on her side of the family, I felt it was my place to ask, "How did you come up with the name Reo? That's a truck."

"Yeah. Homer said, I was hoping..." His voice trailed off; yeah I was hoping the same thing. But my sweet and innocent minded bride broadcasts and is tuned in on her own wavelength.

"Well, it was a sort of a misunderstanding all the way around." Emily smiled an innocent smile and continued, "You see, first they got the medications mixed up and they gave me the wrong pill and it got me loaded up to the gills. It was some kind of tranquilizer and the thing really tranquilized the hell out of me.

Then this pretty young girl came in wearing a pink and white striped dress and I said she looked like a candy cane and offered to lick her stripes off of her.

"She got all flustered and started asking the questions and I tried to answer them before she asked them and anyway, she ended up putting Reo, Homer and Wilbur on the line where it asked for the baby's name and then when I said the fathers were you two, she about shit a brick.

She said you can't have two daddies and only one baby. So we got in an argument and I told her how we was starting a new trend. If the' fucking Mormons can have a husband and two wives, us Okies can have a wife and two husbands."

Brenda grinned and said, "Hell, it works for me. And I never been married."

I thought a bit and said, "Homer, we are both represented and a kid named Reo has more class than one named either Homer or Wilbur, or even both. Shit, Reo is a great name for a baby."

"Well, just so he doesn't have a short dick. I figure he ought to sing a little and play a little too," Homer said kind of grumpy like. So Reo Smith was officially welcomed into the family. Another nurse brought the baby in and Emily had a tit out and waiting. The little guy went after his meal like he was starved. The ugly little guy could sure suck on a tit.

Homer and I decided he took after both of us. Besides the ass hole who owned the T Bird I shot up was a blonde. So we figured he was out of the running. That mostly left just Homer and me, anyway as far as I knew at the time.

In the meantime, while Homer and I were arguing about what parts took after him and what took after me, Connie had to get all wheely and dealy again. "We have some good publicity here if we can figure on how to use it properly. I think we need to complain to a very stupid editor about how everybody got cheated since our baby wasn't born on stage as promised. We are going to have to start a write in and a telephone campaign."

Brenda got all confused. "How the hell can I protect you guys from Connie? This is confusing. On the other hand she sure as hell needs protecting from her own weird ideas."

"Darlin', when she starts to hustle something, Connie is very confusing to say the least," Homer said, speaking slowly. "But this time, I think she is plain out of her Okie skull." He shook his head.

"No. Listen to me. Those religious nuts are going to keep harping on Emily and the baby. I just want to direct where they go with their bullshit. We'll write letters to the editor and start a phone campaign.

"I already got hold of the women's lib outfits, both the ones who burned their bras in the streets and the very radical bunch who kept on wearing them when they burned them. That second bunch is named 'Tough Lesbians In Love.' They are a little bit far out, maybe, but they do make themselves noticed and heard."

Then as she headed back out the door, she said, "Moose, stop staring at Emily's tits. We have work to do." Moose took one last loving and wistful look at the titty which wasn't being sucked and followed Connie out with great reluctance.

Did I tell you how our Connie could hustle a whore out of her trick book if the mood was on her? Well right then the mood was doubly on her. What she did was to take Moose and hunt down Animal, Moose's road partner and Virgin Fox who usually was draped on what ever motorcycle Animal was riding. Virgin Fox really was her first name. She was born up in the Montana mountains in an old Hippie commune which had somehow survived into the eighties. Anyway She was pretty foxy, but I doubt she ever was a virgin except in name only since she started to notice guys.

Then Connie took them to the trailer house we called home and began to interview them. She had Moose break out a keg and while they got loaded Connie edited those sound tapes until she had a real nasty piece of work. One tape she ended up with sounded like Barbara Walters doing drugs in a Girl Scout camp.

She asked Moose, "What do you think are Emily's best assets?"

"Hell, her tits." Moose answered real excited. "I want to suck on one and then the other. Oh, she has a real fine ass, too, all smooth and soft and nice."

On and on Connie went. When she got done "editing" she played them back. "I'm Virgin and I'm going to do Animal and Moose because Emily says it's okay. I'm sixteen and she says it's plenty old enough to gang bang a bunch of guys." That was one "enhanced" bit of conversation. Then, here it was four o'clock in the morning and Connie called the newspaper editor's wife and said in a whiny voice. "I just got a tape here which proves how Emily Smith is trying to turn all our young girls into whores."

Then she played the tape. The tape said in Virgin's voice, "I want to be just like Emily and have a baby up on stage where everybody can see my little pussy and feel its soft fur. Isn't it silly?"

Actually what was said was, "I want to be just like Emily. I want to sing and perform up on stage where everybody can see my act. I'd like to do a song and hold a little pussycat in my arms. I like the feel of their soft fur. Isn't it silly?" Connie did a half dozen of what she called "snippets." That damned Connie should have been working for a politician.

Then she played one that had Moose saying, "Yeah, I guess the baby is probably mine, but then maybe not. There were all those high school boys."

After she played four of her snippets for the old bag, she hung up.

She called Hoot Gooberson at the radio station. He was just getting ready to do the farm report when Connie called him and said in a low, sad voice, "That damned Emily Smith has taken my husband from me. I just tape-recorded his confession. You listen." When she got to the part about the high school boys good old' Hoot was off on another crusade.

About noon they got a call from Brenda, "Get Moose and Animal down here, my knuckles are sore and my arms are tired." In a flash Moose and Animal were up and out the door. Virgin barely made it on when Animal kicked the starter and went roaring down the road. Homer, Brenda and I were sure glad to see Moose and Animal show up. It turned out Hoot had taped everything Connie played for him and then replayed the tapes continuously from the time he first recorded them. Everybody in town seemed to be out there trying to get into the hospital room. Emily was scared shitless and I was getting some worried my own self.

I didn't show my worry, though. I just yelled at Moose, "You bring any beer to the' party? I'm getting mighty dry." You talk about bullshit bluster that was it. My arms felt like lead weights and my right knee was hurting from bouncing it off of so many crotches. I was fought to a frazzle.

"Nah. I figured we'd throw this bunch out and have a keg delivered," Moose answered. Then he grabbed a couple of Essmer's nuts by the nuts and threw them outside the door.

All at once we heard a roar I swear sounded just like a whole jungle full of wild animals got loose. It was Animal sounding his best. He went charging through the crowd in the hallway and Connie screamed, "Oh Jesus. Look out he just bit off a man's ear and is eating it." She screamed again. Animal roared and in just a couple of minutes the hospital corridor was clear of screwballs. They ran every which way to escape whoever was eating body parts.

I saw Junior who lost his cherry a few times the previous night to Brenda and Connie with a big smile. He held a real familiar looking red rubber bag in his hand. "I give one of 'em an enema," he said proudly.

The little candy striper was holding on to his arm, smiling adoringly up into his face. "He gives the best enemas. I never had one before." Now I know true love when I see it. That little girl was in love. "Come on. I know where they store all the good stuff." Well, maybe it wasn't love, but it was something.

Brenda said, "I got to go." She went in the toilet and shut the door.

While Brenda was in there pissing her little brains out, this geeky type who looked like a sissified Homer Simpson clone came striding in. Homer and I both looked at him and yelled, "Doh!" Then we looked at each other surprised the other had said the same thing at the same time and burst out laughing.

"I hear that every day and I am sick of it," he whined in a very un-Homer Simpson like voice. He handed a clipboard to Emily and said, "Sign this and leave."

Now even for a hospital, this was sudden. Connie grabbed the clipboard out of his hands and said, "I read and then she signs if I say to." He tried to grab it back. Moose grabbed the back of his collar and jerked. He gagged and stood still.

"I'll just keep this." Connie told him. "You little creep. You gave her the wrong medication last night. You let a bunch of weirdoes come in here and you don't call the police. You endanger my co wife's life and you want her to sign a blanket release. By the time we get done with you, there won't be a bed pan in this place which she doesn't own."

"What do I want with a bunch of bed pans?" my delicate flower of Oklahoma womanhood asked in a very puzzled voice.

"Never mind," Connie said. "Now then Mister Simpson, or whatever your name is, what else do you have up your sleeve besides your flabby arm?"

She crowded him against the wall and leaned against him. "What do you want?" he yelled at her. "How can I get all you people to leave and never come back?"

"Well, for starters, just to show good faith, you can mark her bill "no Charge."

"Done." he agreed and almost ran from the room. He was back in less than a minute with Em's hospital and doctor bills marked no charge and signed by him.

"I'll take that." Brenda had come out of the bathroom and took the papers away from the little dude before he could change his mind.

"Now I want a release from you," he said to Connie.

"In your dreams, asshole." she answered. Connie went to the nursery and told the nurse, "Wrap up one Reo to go." The nurse didn't move. "Wrap up the Reo Smith baby. We're checking out. Move it."

"Where's the' kid? I'll just grab it," Brenda said as she came up. That got the nurse's attention. She got Reo and wrapped him up well and handed him to Connie. She gave Brenda a dirty look. "Please get out of here. Neither one of you are sterile."

I hope to hell we're not sterile. I want to have ten babies some day." Brenda said.

"How you supposed to hold these things?" Connie asked.

"Here. Like this." Moose came up, took the baby and cradled him as he walked toward Em's room. We were just coming out with Emily sitting in a wheel chair. We all watched Moose cradling little Reo in his arms like an old pro. It looked real weird. It was almost like watching The Incredible Hulk play with dolls. I mean some things are just too outlandish to imagine.

"What's everyone looking at? Haven't you ever seen anybody carry a baby before? I had six younger brothers and sisters I helped take care of." Gently he handed the baby down to Emily. She kissed him on the lips and said, "You're a gentle teddy bear." He blushed and grinned. Connie nudged me and pointed. The gentle teddy bear had a hard on from just one kiss.

Very carefully, we loaded Emily and little Reo in the big Reo truck and we slowly drove home. I quickly made the couch out into a bed and gratefully Emily lowered herself onto it. Moose just sort of took over the care and feeding of our new mother. Then Brenda came in all excited, "Jesus Christ. There are a million reporters and TV cameras out there. You want to beat the shit out of them or interview them?" She was serious as a heart attack.

"Oh God. Don't you dare harm a hair on their gold lined little heads. That's money on the hoof to us. Connie looked at Brenda. "Hitch that bikini bottom down till they can see a couple of pussy hairs. Grab the shotgun over there in the corner and come out with me. I want to introduce you."

Now Brenda looked scary as hell there. All I could think of was the old Zane Gray Western where the hero was described as "steely of eye and firm in resolve." She sure looked steely and firm lugging the shotgun out there. The cameras all wanted to shoot pictures of her "steely" and her "firm" from up close.

"This is Brenda. She is head of our security detail. She handles the little problems we have which might arise from day to day." Brenda nodded soberly.

"Ooh. I'm in love." one of the cameramen yelled.

"Honey, around me, 'in love' is all you'll be in. You sure won't be in me," she yelled back at him.

"Brenda, will you marry me?" It was Junior from the hospital.

"Come up here, Junior." Brenda grabbed him and one armed him up on the porch. He came to her and she kissed him long and deep. "I just met this stud last night. He has more staying power than that goofy energizing rabbit. What happened to your new love, the nurse?"

"She wanted to quit after only two hours." He shook his head sadly.

"You mean you still had energy left after last night with Brenda and me?" Connie was playing it to the hilt. She wanted to keep those cameras rolling. The more they shot of us the more had a chance of making it onto the boob tube.

Junior nodded seriously and said, "Women are just so wonderful. Every little nook and cranny is wonderful on a woman." He was dead serious.

"Wilbur, I want you to write a song and dedicate it to junior and title it 'Ten Inches Of Love.' The stud here has earned it." Hell, even the teenagers were growing bigger ones than me. I sat out the rest of the interview and just as Connie was about to wind it up, I started to sing the first stanza of what became my latest hit, which became an instant success because snippets were played on national Television. Hell, even those French people up there in Canada were singing "Ten Inches Of Love."

Animal came out and Brenda introduced him as her partner in the security detail. He was stripped to the waist and looked as deadly as a cobra and faster to strike. Half the women there wanted to get naked with him. The other half wanted to chew his clothes off of him. He smiled and asked, "Should I tell them I'm gay and wear lavender underwear?" Brenda roughed up his hair and laughed.

Somebody wanted to see the new mother and baby. Obligingly, Moose brought Em out in his arms and gently set her in the porch swing. He went in and came back out with little Reo. The proud mother smiled and all the cameras went off and somebody had to be the smart ass and asked, "Who is the father?"