Chapter 2

Section 0: Love Is The Plan, The Plan Is Death (A little more than four years before Part 1)

JR

Stevie slumped on my chest, sweating and gasping. As bad a shape as she was in, I was worse. That bitch would ride me like she wanted to break me. My chest was evidence of that, scratches and welts from her nails crisscrossed my upper abdomen, shoulders and back. All of her lipstick she was wearing before was now smeared on my face and cock. It felt like one of her earrings was embedded in my back.

My revenge was her swollen and tender nipples that I used as chew toys and the vivid red hand prints on her ass.

“I, uh...” she croaked, hoarse from her screaming. “I may need a moment.” She rolled off of me, my spent cock sliding out of her, a trail of my slime oozing from her onto my leg and the bed. Her roll continued right off the bed. No, really. She rolled and fell right off the bed, pulling the sweat stained sheet with her, landing with a thud. Like some comedy movie, her hand shot up, grabbed some sheets and she pulled herself up off the floor, eyes wide. We were both gasping and laughing.

Finally righted, she stumbled into the toilet and sat. I reached tableside, grabbed a joint I had and lit up. Exactly what the out-of-breath need, more smoke.

“What do you want?” she asked, sitting on the bowl, draining.

Exhale. Smoke curled up in the humid summer air. This room reeked of cock and cunt. It was time to add shitty ditch weed to that funk.

“For dinner? Let get some Thai? I could get some Tom Yum. Need my fluids –”

“No. Us. This.” She stood and gestured with a sweep of her hand and me and the room, a tooth brush was in her fist.

“Oh. Well, that’s serious.”

“I’m a serious girl.”

“Hi A Serous Girl, I’m JR.” She made the universal ‘you’re-so-funny-but-not-really’ face.

OK, it’s that talk. We hadn’t had it in a few months. This was like a tune up to make sure that we were in relationship-synch and still a functioning unit. It was necessary but it was healthy. I had to admit though, I was feeling strongly attached lately. We were a fucking machine, parse that any way you care to.

“Well, I am hopelessly in love with you and can’t see any signs of stopping,” I recited.

She responded in garbled speak as she brushed her teeth, a lather around her mouth.

I interpreted her response positively. “Why thank you my dear, it’s good to be appreciated.” I took another puff. She spit and splashed some water into her mouth and wiped off. She padded out, hips rolling and beautiful tits swaying in time and fell forward, splashing onto the bed. Face in her palms, she looked at me. Where else would I go?

“I wanna grow old with you,” I offered her the joint. She shook her head. “Be your house husband. I want to follow you where your life goes and make you happy. Give you lots of babies.”

“Lots? Why lots?”

“What do we have to do to make babies?”

“Oh yeah,” she grinned. “Fuck like rabbits. But we already do that.”

“Believe it or not, there is a purpose behind that.” Puff. “To pro-creeee-ate.”

“Babe, we’re graduating soon.”

“You’re graduating soon. I’m taking another year for G-school.” I corrected. “Long term plan.”

She sighed and put her head down. “You planning. I love the sound of that,” she tailed off.

“Some one’s got to plan. And you sound like there’s a ‘But... ‘ coming with that. No ‘buts’. I’ll have none of that stinkin’ thinkin’, missy.”

“Well ... yeah,” she reached out and tickled my feet. Those nails were a killer. “Look, I need to do something. I’ve been working my ass off to get myself positioned for this. This town sucks for film and TV.”

“There’s shit filmed here all the time,” I countered, weakly.

“Yeah, if you’re established. I’m not. I have to go where they are.”

“They?”

“Yes. Them. Those people. The ones with jobs.” She crawled up next to me.

“OK, that’s fine. Go.”

“What?” she looked at me.

“Mmmmhmmm,” I nodded. “Pack me into your bags, we go out together, and we have babies there. Where they are.”

“But your school?”

“Don’t they have schools there?”

“Yeah, but ... Honey it’s not the same. You have a life here. You’re local”

“Stop fucking reminding me. I do my best to hide it.”

“Dumbass, it’s practically tattooed on your forehead.”

“Tattooed? Yeah, right next to the one that says ‘Poor Impulse Control’? And that one’s only there ‘cuz I’z loses controls cuz I can smell your cunt.” I rasped, in my best psychopath-ese.

“Eeew gross,” she giggled, swatting my balls.

“Look, you’re the best goddamn thing that’s happened to me, and I would follow you until one of us is cold and in the ground. And if it’s you, I’ll be camping on your grave until I can join you.”

“Nice. Macabre, and more than a bit demented,” She tapped my forehead. “It would make a good Hallmark card sentiment. Let me write that down,” she stole the joint from me and took a deep puff.

“Whoa. Careful! You want to pass out or forget this? Me?” I grinned and kissed her forehead.

“Never. And I only get that way if I’ve been drinking. Sober as a judge,” she screwed up her face in her ‘drunk’ impersonation.

“That’s horrible. You’re an actress?” I got a deserved swat for that. “Gimme that,” I took it back, and she exhaled, her smoke rose up forever to meet mine in the blanket hanging from the ceiling.

“Unless you have someone else, I have no intention of letting you go, ever. I would be the happiest man on earth to be with you forever and through all that comes with that. You are my density,” I swooned at her, like a lovesick teen.

“Thanks, McFly,” she smiled. “It sounds like you’re proposing or something.” I didn’t answer. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, but we were good together, and there was no need to talk about something that worked well. Her smile faded a little and she looked a little sad. “Order me some Pad Thai.” Stevie leaned into me and started to get sleepy in my lap.

About six weeks later, she just started acting all serious, out of the blue, like these crying jags. Very unlike her. I did my best to comfort her and get her to tell me what was going on. She refused to say anything.

One night, I came back from my shift and she was gone. Her stuff and everything. Although I had an idea, she never told me where she was going.

Section 1: The Garden of Forking Paths (Present day)

Dan

I woke Sunday from old dreams with a start and an aching hole inside of me.

Sunday morning after (BBQ-Day +1), I had calmed down a hair so that I wasn’t ready to rip Cindy’s face off for sins such as squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. But I was still absolutely gutted.

We went to brunch. I left my phone at home. Cindy had hers. Every time it chimed, I thought it was Stephanie calling her. Each time she just looked at it and put it away.

“You wanna talk about last night?”

“Nope. Just got spooked. Happens sometimes.” I speared a cube of cantaloupe.

She looked at me. I knew she wouldn’t accept that, but the sweetheart she is, she would wait a bit to badger me about it. “I don’t know if I want you smoking any more of that weed.” I grunted non-committedly and took another bite.

One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. I will get through this.

We spent the day outside in the sun and looking at life go by around us. I was hollow to the life going on around me.

Cindy

Tuesday Stephanie came to my cube and dropped off the platter I had used for the cheese tray. She looked like shit. Well, Stephanie looking like shit is a relative term. She looked lean. Her hair was pulled back and it looked like her cheeks and eyes were a bit sunken. And, to be honest, that look was not one to be messed with. I didn’t want to even approach her about whatever happened to her. Maybe Simon gave it to her after the barbecue. She still wore the ring, so it couldn’t be that bad.

“You OK hon?”

“Never better.” Lying.

“Thanks again for the great barbecue. Sorry Danny was such a weirdo.”

“Nah. Is he OK? Did he say anything about what happened?”

I rolled my eyes. “You don’t know him like I do,” I said. She flashed a moment of ... pain? “You OK?”

She was distracted but came back. “Cramp,” and gestured at her tummy.

“But I know Danny and this passes. He’s so my rock. He’s just fine. We’re fine. If it’s an issue with him, I’ll fix it.” Stephanie paused for a moment then nodded.

“Good. I’m glad.” And she was gone.

Simon

I went down to the cave and open my works tray. I was missing a few big pinches of my weed.

“Honey?”

Stephanie called down. “Yeah hon?”

“Have you been dipping into my weed?”

“A little?”

Great. I was engaged to Cheech.

Steph was a doll but not a real smoking buddy. I was purely recreational with it, and because I had some responsibilities, I made sure to plan out my times to smoke so that it did not interfere with work or seeing patients. Steph was more impulsive and reactionary. Her usage was in response to stresses in her life so she was more a binge user, which worried me.

Steph was driven and definitely more dominant in our relationship, especially in bed. She ran rings around me and would wear me out. I knew I couldn’t satisfy her, but she never made me feel bad about it. I mean, I was never a two-pump-chump, but she had asked often for seconds. At first, I tried. She’d revive me with her mouth or hand and climb on, but I couldn’t muster the energy she’d expect. She tried for a third time once, but it was a bit emasculating. She never tried that again.

I’d try my best to keep her happy, through foreplay and surprises, but I always got the feeling that I was fighting, or fucking, an uphill battle. Still, she was never intentionally demeaning about it. She had some toys but I never saw her use them.

She was a dream girl but I could feel a pull away lately. Early on she warned me of her own independent streak and I wanted to honor that, even allowing her to keep her apartment, despite staying with me for about three weeks per month. With the time I spent in the clinic, there was more than enough alone-time for her to get her own life.

And I hardly made demands of her. But this was something different. At the same time, when I would try to ask about it, and communicate ... I got stonewalled. Politely. Sweetly. Steph can be very sweet when she’d give the “I’m fine,” but it’s just not very convincing. There’s an energy in her when she’s really involved. Lately that energy was hard to find.

What can a guy do? I can only be as good as I can. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Dan

Cindy came home Friday night tipsy. I was on the couch and she slid in right next to me. I gave her a quick kiss. She reeked of booze.

She reached into my shorts and fished my cock out. “God I love this penis,” she announced. “I wanna suck it.”

I just sat and waited. She began smooching it and kissing it. I wasn’t going to tell her ‘no’, but she wasn’t really doing shit for me. Cindy is a sweet girl, but she’s neither an expert cock sucker, nor a hot talker. That’s fine, those aren’t the reasons I’m with her.

After about five minutes, she took the head out of her mouth. “Why won’t you get hard?”

“Huh?” I asked.

“Stephanie told me that she used to suck her old boyfriend and that he was devoted to her, and that blowing him helped her and her old boyfriend to be closer...”

“Stephanie told you that?

“Yeaaahhhh,” she whined, stretching out the syllables.

“Look Stephanie has her own life and she’s happy with it. I’m with you and you don’t need to compare us with her.”

“Buuuuut, I wanna fuck. You love her and I –”

“What?”

“– just wanna make you stay with me?

“What? Why would you say that?”

“‘Cuz everyone loves her. She’s beautiful, and smart and funny ‘n’ sexy and...”

“It’s OK, baby. You’re fine. Here,” I suggested. “Please go to sleep and we’ll talk more in the morning.”

“Wanna ... you.” I picked her up. She was bird-light. Such a fragile thing, she would be tested again. She did not deserve what was coming. I put her to bed and tried to get some sleep myself.

Cindy tossed beside me and woke me a few times leading to my own fitful sleep.

The dreams I’d been having all week came that night with rapid-fire intensity. As they swept through like a prairie thunderstorm, the role I played was one of many things but all shared one thing: I was alone. I was a family man separated, I was lost and looking. I was a mourner, alone and broken.

There was no signs or evidence of these things in these dreams, like that I had children or a wife. In dream logic, it was just the innate sense that I was these things. It was my dream, so of course I was that which I dreamed of. But in each one of those dreams, it was the same - I looked to find someone, and I felt her there, her presence. It was as sure as anything in that tenuous space. But just surely, she was always just around a corner, out of reach. On purpose? By plan? Chance? The absolute anguish of being so close and yet not having the resolution...

I awoke, gasping, to a hollow, pounding heart, to the loss of what was and what could have been; wanting what I had in some other life that I was living somewhere in another reality.

I just didn’t want to feel like this anymore. I had suffered under this once before, but this time, I couldn’t rescue myself. There could be no funeral.

There was nothing to bury, except me.

Cindy

I woke with a headache, but I was next to Danny. I had the best dream that he was inside me, putting baby after baby inside my body and I was just so happy being filled by him, again and again. The dream children he gave me were sunshine and light, each one was a blessing.

Then when I opened my eyes, he was next to me, awake and looking at me. He had water and aspirin and just gave them to me as soon as I could focus. The room was washed with early morning light. It hurt.

“How you doing, soldier?” he asked.

My mouth made dry croaking sounds. I was a frog.

“Here,” he said, putting pills into my mouth and then the water.

“It’s like a dream,” I said.

“Then sleep, princess,” I heard. He kissed me and I was asleep.

When I came to again, the light in the room was different. I was alone, so I yelled for Danny. He came, bringing me eggs and some toast to eat.

I have the best boyfriend.

I had a few bites, but I was really worked up. I couldn’t put it into words.

“Babe, come here,” I asked to Danny. He was at my side in a few seconds.

“What’s the matter dear?”

I put the plate on my end table and pulled back the covers, to show him I was ready for him.

“Now?”

I grabbed him and kissed him as hard as I could.

JR

Women give a certain sign when they’re looking for a pounding. She kissed me and grabbed my cock through my shorts. She asked for it. I’d say that earns her a pounding.

I asked her, “Are you sure about this? I mean really sure?” She was.

She got it. Balls deep. She said ‘no’, but there was not a not an ounce of ‘no’ in her. She wanted a fuck, and that’s what she got.

It was about fucking time.

Dan

I held Cindy while she slept. I had cum in her twice before flipping her over for a third time and she just ... melted. She had cum again and again, including two deep, wracking orgasms, the kind of cums which I don’t remember her having before. It was like she had a seizure, every muscle locked and a noise from her that was partially human.

She squirted all over herself, but I kept fucking her. Not a moment’s hesitation.

And then I did it again.

What is wrong with me? I have to be better.

Cindy

I know I came on strong to Danny. Stephanie had told me that men respond to more sex. And she was right.

But it hurt. And I was not in control for a lot of it.

Don’t get me wrong. I orgasmed so, so hard while he was inside me. Like it was crazy. Shaking. I wet the bed! I’ve never known sex could be that. I mean, I’ve heard of it. From Stephanie’s stories, she seemed to have it like that all the time.

But this was something different. He was different. But outside the few moments of craziness. I didn’t feel so different. It was a little scary. If it wasn’t that for me, then what did I need to do?

I know Stephanie means well, and I want to be the girl that Danny wants to be with in all ways, but I don’t know if I can keep doing that.

I was going to lose him if I didn’t.

Dan

After a few weeks, I noticed that my pants were getting a little loose on me. Checking the scale, I was down a good ten pounds. I thought I was eating. I thought I was staying consistent. I was definitely drinking less booze. The only thing was that I had been having some rough nights sleeping.

The dreams wouldn’t stop. I was so goddamn tired and drained from waking up each morning with a fresh ache inside.

Simon

Stephanie had really picked things up in bed. She was always more aggressive about sex than I was. Now, she was insistent. Four or five times during the week, multiple times during the weekend. She would initiate after we ate, rubbing me outside my clothes while we were watching TV or even driving. She wouldn’t look at me, just zoning out while her hands moved.

We were at a restaurant, sitting in the booth when she took my hand and stuck it under her skirt. She wasn’t wearing panties! I was shocked! People could see her! Well, they would’ve had to have looked. I jumped and moved away from her. Which, apparently was the wrong thing.

She looked heartbroken and small. Her face was a mask, but a single tear rolled down her cheek. It was gone as fast as it appeared, but I knew my reaction was not what she expected. I’m sorry, but I just can’t be that way. I need some warning and some planning.

Afterwards at home, she took me in bed. She gave me some quick oral, climbed on and rode me. She rolled her hips and I came. She slid off me and went into shower. The whole thing took three minutes and she never made a noise the entire time.

This scene, repeated, happened again and again. I asked about her, but she insisted on it being this way. She initiated it. Multiple times a week. Like a script.

I asked her if she was enjoying this. I mean, I was. She just shushed me and told me to relax. But while she made me feel like a prince, there was something worrying about the disconnect she showed.

JR

Cindy was a good sport, but there was a need inside. I was starving and home cooking wasn’t the answer. I couldn’t go to Stevie. No way. But something had to be done.

Fortunately, there’s an app for that.

Cindy

Ever since the barbecue, I felt a divide between Stephanie and I. We had gotten close and then Danny got all weird. Well, that weird was the new normal now, but he’s a guy who has his personalities that he seems to wear like jackets.

I tried getting Stephanie out for a few drinks, but she was always busy. I finally succeeded.

“I’m thinking of hosting a barbecue to repay you and Simon,” I said after the first round landed in front of use.

“Mmmmm,” she sipped. “That’s nice. When?”

“Couple weeks from now? Gotta run it by Danny.”

“‘k. We’re traveling,” she noted. She was barely listening.

“It’s to repay you, so that-”

“You don’t have to do that,” she cut me off.

“No, we don’t have to, we want to,” I insisted.

She moved her tongue in her mouth like she tasted something bad. “Danny said this?” She seemed anxious.

“It comes from both of us. We had an excellent time with you and Simon. He just told me the weed he smoked was really strong and he’s fine now. He swore to me that he’s not smoking anymore,” I leaned in. “If you come, please don’t bring any of that. When. When you come.”

“OK,” she fidgeted with the cocktail napkin, tearing off small pieces. “More people are coming, yeah? It’s not just us? Who else is coming?”

I went down the guest list, which was still pretty small. She seemed to relax a bit and made some suggestions for additions and omissions. She was good at this. After that she opened up. And resembled the Stephanie I thought I knew.

For a change, we talked mostly about her. She had her guard up for a few things, but she let it drop that she and Simon were running into some problems. They couldn’t agree on wedding dates. She still had her apartment, which was news to me; I thought she was living with Simon, but he wanted her to move in with him full-time. But she wanted, no needed, her own thing. She made it sound like there were lots of little things about them that were coming to the surface. Like this was building for a while, but was now a real issue. That would explain a lot.

“I feel like I’m carrying around ... I dunno, this weight. Like I’m being punished. And it’s just tough when I don’t have any one to talk to about these things,” she sighed and looked at me. Strong Stephanie, the girl who had everything, had tears in her eyes. She was breaking my heart.

I stepped around the table and held her close and felt her melt into me.

“I’m so, so sorry,” she squeaked, barely letting it out.

I shushed her and told her there’s nothing to be ashamed of. That we’re all doing our best to be happy, and that may take some missteps and time to find it. She leaned back, eyes red, but otherwise, stunning. A few dabs at her eyes with a dry napkin and she was back to the Stephanie I knew.

“Ah, thanks,” her voice was raspy. She cleared it. “Sorry,” she apologized again.

I waved my hands. “Stop it. I owe you for helping me with Danny.” She coughed.

“How’s that going? How’s he?”

“Ah, well, he’s. He’s cut back on drinking. Lost a little weight. He’s good. Work has been tiring him out. He’s working late a lot of nights.” Stephanie’s face was a hard read. “But I know he’d be happy to see you and Simon.” Her face didn’t change. But she leaned back for a drink.

She appeared to think for a second before saying “It would be nice to meet him again.”

I was happy enough that I called Danny to ask him about this.

Diana

“What?” he growled and smacked my ass. I grunted, squirming under his big hands.

“Please,” I sobbed. “Please fu-fuh-fuck me again!” SMACK! I writhed like a sweat-slicked snake under him. My cheeks were on fire, and my pussy just gushed with each handprint he left on me.

My Tinder hookup had literally charmed my pants off on a dinner date, only to treat me to the raunchiest, deepest and most satisfying sex I’d ever thought of, let alone felt. I didn’t know my body could feel like that. While he was fucking me, my body hummed, if that makes sense? It was glorious, but it wasn’t pretty.

“Where?” SMACK!

“Anh-anhy hu-hole!” I was face down in a pillow, on my knees and my ass was in the air. I was naked except for the stiletto heels I wore during our date. Snot and spit spewed from my nose and mouth. My sheets were soaked through, enormous sexual Rorschach stains from sweat, spit, tears and cum.

I was looking through my legs, watching him prowl from the foot of the bed. I could see my bare coochie dripping; a syrup of his cum and my own juices flowing like honey, puddling on my sheets. I ached with sensation, from being so stretched, so filled, so slavish under his firm control.

We had a nice quiet early dinner of some tapas and some tea. He was polite, respectful and quiet, but funny. Not a comedian. He just had a funny response to almost anything I said. And he was handsome. Like he came from an ad for a chainsaw or something manly and outdoorsy.

But at the same time, you could tell not to fuck with this guy. He wasn’t a model or like the pretty boys I went to school with. He was a real man. He carried himself in a way that just was, I guess, in control. He seemed to have a purpose for every move he made.

He listened. He picked up on things I said and brought them up later. He had some depth.

I brought him back to my apartment just off campus. It wasn’t for sex, honestly. I just liked his company, and he was gentleman seeing me to my door. I had a few hours before I had to meet my study group for our senior project.

I remember everything, so it’s not like he drugged me. But it went from him leaning in to give me a kiss on the cheek at my door step and him thanking me for the date, saying he had a good time, and BOOM! I’m on my knees in the open doorway, choking myself with the fattest cock I’ve ever seen. He just ... I gave an inch and he took a mile in seconds flat. And it was amazing. He was amazing.

I saw him move back into position between my legs, that cock dangling. I knew he was just reloading.

He jammed two fingers into my pussy, working them back and forth. Wet, sloppy noises filled my ears. I moaned, needing to be filled. The soreness throbbed under the surface, below the anticipation as he worked me. His other hand rose to the top of my asscheeks. He removed the plug inserted in my ass, replacing it with his thumb. The trapped cum flowed out, joining the congealing pool between my knees. The heat of need spread through my stomach, churning and building, all focused on what his hands were doing.

“Puh-please,” I sputtered. “I-ah c’n stuh-stand it...” Spit, flooded my mouth, combining with the funk already there from my own pussy and ass and his cock and sperm. My desire shook through me to the bed with small tremors.

Kneeling behind me, he rubbed the head of his penis against my pussy. I was beyond wet. But I still gasped as JR slid back inside. It was so delicious. I keened like the bitch he had brought out of me, the one I didn’t know was buried below the surface.

He was a movie all sped up, hips a blur as he pounded me. I shook and quivered, all reaction and raw response. There was no pretense at pleasing me. He knew his every movement was triggering my own animalistic response. I didn’t even bother counting how often I came; I just held on to breathe. He took pity on me, though. His hips just gave one final deep thrust and then it was about his semen splashing inside as a warm balm to soothe the walls of my greedy puss and womb. It was pouring out of him. He was like a fountain, spraying. Collapsed, I shook for about half a minute after he had pulled out.

There is no recovering from what he did to me. I mean, he was an event. I could only ... recalibrate.

JR showered and I slowly stood and wobbled to my desk. It was like a river flowing out of me and down my legs. Each step I took sent aftershocks through my bruised but satiated pussy. I didn’t recognize the face staring back from my mirror. I sat in the chair, and had my breathing under control by the time he exited the shower. I couldn’t help but eye that weapon as he toweled off.

I wasn’t in a hurry to dance with that again. At the same time, I knew that if he called, I would come. He knew it too. I used play sports when I was younger, and coaches always said the same thing: “To be the best, you gotta beat the best.” This was the best I’d ever been fucked and I needed to up my game.

I watched as he dressed silently. When his phone rang, he fished it from his pocket. He looked at the screen and nodded. Walking over to me, he answered.

“Hey.” I’d swear his voice was different. The tone was friendly and warm, without the almost measured manner he’d had over dinner and then after with me. Like his edges had been rounded off.

He stood next to me and unzipped. Out it came. I looked up at him, in awe. He was ending his visit to my apartment the same way he started - with his jaw-breaking cock buried in my throat. I felt it harden by the second. He never forced me once. I ached but his warmth and desire made me want to serve. Thick spit flowed from my mouth, coating him. He lazily choked me, sawing his hips back and forth, fucking my face.

“Wait, where are you? Oh, she is?” He pulled out my mouth and offered me his fat ball sac. I gladly accepted. I really tried to please him. I used hands and mouth, and all the tricks I knew. He had given me so much and this was as gentle as he had been all night.

“When? You think this is a good idea?” Cock back in my throat, the wet guttural music from my mouth was the only sound in the room while he listened. He held my head and pushed into my throat as far as he could go before he grunted softly. “I’m not so sure.”

A pause. “Hold on.” He pulled the phone aside “You want to swallow it or wear it?” The edgier voice was back for me. I pulled him out with a sucking pop and aimed him at my face. “Squeeze my balls, firm. Good.”

In seconds, his hot spend splashed across my face and tits. I opened my mouth and tried to catch his fat drops on my tongue like a little girl in the rain.

“OK, it’s fine,” soft voice again. Pause. “Yeah, they can all come, that’s fine.” I cleaned the tip and licked him while he finished the call. “I may have someone else. No, you won’t know her.” He looked at me. “From work. No, I don’t need to say hi. OK. Have fun. Yep. Bye.”

He ended the call and fixed himself.

As he walked to the front door, he gave instructions. “For next time, get a matching manicure and pedicure and wear a belly chain. Pull your hair back into a pony tail.” Pausing at the door “Enjoy your study group.” And then he was out the door.

That was the first time I met JR.

Dan

Fuck, now we had to host a barbecue?

Well, at least this was going to be more than just Simon and her. There were more opportunities to hide. Not the bravest option, but I was exhausted. And being tired made me cautious. OK, it made me afraid, too. Seeing Stevie again had made me afraid.

It had been a few weeks now, and I felt some balance back. I admit I was spinning out of control there for a bit, but time and some creative outlets for relieving pressure brought stabilization.

Home was fine, work was OK. My heart was a mess, but still, miles better than it had been after the BBQ.

Cindy was a trooper, bless her. She knew something was up. She kept trying to be Stevie, not even knowing what, or who, Stevie even was. In a way, it just kept this whole charade going. What can I do? Tell her ‘no’? She’s legit trying to make me happy, and for me to just put a pin in it would be ... not so good.

I hoped that in the next few weeks before our barbecue, I could beat down what Stevie had revived inside me. I hoped I could. My worst fear would be to see Stevie and expose my heart again.

When I bartended, I found that its easy to get dragged into the local dramas. It just happens naturally. In that environment, with alcohol lowering inhibitions, you get all sorts of weird behavior. Hook ups, break ups, bust ups. It’s not just customers, but co-workers too. Really weird.

At first, it’s this exciting thing where you’re privy to all this ... humanity. But you find it’s at a psychic cost. Especially when you know the sides involved (often, it’s more than two sides). Better to stay out. Put on a mask and wall it off. You have to. It’s self-defense. Protecting your own interests, your own life so that you don’t get dragged around. It’s too easy to get pulled into the meat grinder of all this drama, which, if both parties had an ounce of sense, would be able to avoid with a few minutes of normal conversation and empathy.

I needed this mask more than ever, especially since I was directly involved in the drama. Oh God, how I needed to stay strong here.

Stephanie

Why did I feel the way I did? What was I even feeling?

First of all, I was pissed. That bitch Cindy was just rubbing my face in her relationship with Danny. “Blah blah blah everything’s fine. We’re great!’ Bullshit. I knew he was hurting. I knew him. He didn’t do suffering well unless my hand was on the whip.

No, no. That wasn’t it. Fuck. Why would I be pissed at her about my fuck ups? That wasn’t on her. I was so goddamn tired. I had to get this sleeping thing under control. I couldn’t think straight, let alone come up with a plan to fix all of this.

Yes. OK, I wanted him back in my life, but ... that’s not her problem. I fucked up.

After weeks replaying in my head what I could have done differently and whether I would go to his office to just make him talk with me, I finally had an in. Took long enough.

I knew him. I knew he was suffering like I was. His pain was fresher than mine, but it came from the same vine.

Simon’s little indelicacy introduced the one thing that would push him away from me. In a poetic way, that was the best self-defense that Simon could’ve done. I had JR at the barbecue, it was perfect. We were as good as back together. That little smoke session blew up that plan; it was the only reason I was still with Simon. I had been punishing Simon in my own ways for that, though.

Look, this could have happened so many different ways. Why did I see JR that night? Why did I not just take him there? Why was he dating my friend? Why did Simon say what he did? It’s endless. But it happened.

And now even the dreams at night wouldn’t let me rest. Constant reminders of hurting him. Hurting everyone I cared about. Me standing in a room full of people; they would all look at me and they’d all know what I’ve done. Each a witness. There was no judgement, but there was no comfort either. To be surrounded and still be alone. I needed protection but JR’s not there, no matter how often I call. He’s in the room but I can’t find him. Three mornings a week, I wake up to an empty bed and sweat-soaked sheets.

JR had given me his faith and his love, and ... I didn’t repay him the way he deserved. I just needed to not fuck this chance up. I knew I wouldn’t get another.

Diana

A fucking belly chain. Do you know how hard it was to find one?

But it was so worth it. I didn’t need to walk for the next few days, anyways.

JR told me about a party at his house he was having. There were rules, and I needed to follow a script. He made sure I understood the terms.

To be honest, I was more than a bit pissed to realize that I was ‘the other woman’. I know this was a no-strings-attached thing, and there were no promises. We both agreed to that. But I can’t help what I felt, you know? He flipped my world. How could I not want to have a steady supply of that?

I was more than a bit unsure about this. This just seemed bad. I mean I’m like six or seven years younger than him and his friends. It’s going to be very obvious when I show up.

But I said I’d go. He just becomes, you know, very convincing when he’s got his cock buried in my ass and I’m pleading with him to fuck me harder.

Cindy

“What’s the kinkiest sex you’ve ever had?” I asked him.

“What?” Danny looked up from the magazine he was reading.

“You heard me. You never talk about this, but I’m really curious. Have you ever been, like, in a threesome?”

“Why do you wanna know this?” he went back to his reading. I pushed it down.

“Come on!”

He playfully batted my hand away and then put the rag down. “You want to know if I’ve had a threesome?” he grinned. “What if I have? Then what? Are you going to tell me about your kinky sex?” He started tickling me. “Do you want a threesome?”

“Nooooo,” I cried, pushing him away. He got my ribs and got some good tickles in, but he was gentle and sweet. The problem was, there was only so much space on the couch, and I was running out of room.

“The naughty girl wants to hear about my kinky sex?” I was twisted, with my hips rotated down, presenting my bum to him. I was giggling when he spanked me through my skirt, then moved the skirt out of the way and spanked me again. He leered at me. “You’re not telling me yours?” His fingers began rubbing at the crotch of my panties.

“I don’t think that’s very fair of you,” he said. His voice had dropped from the playful to something lower, deeper. His body kept me in position with just gentle pressure so I couldn’t move, but his fingers kept working. I could feel I had become wet. “Mmmmmm, I thought this was a giving relationship?” I became very heated, despite being twisted around. My tummy felt warm and fluttery.

Danny moved my panties aside, and his finger began slipping up and down against my lips, bringing a wetness. “I think you like hearing about this. OK, baby.” Fingers entered me and moved back and forth. “Back when I was an undergrad, my girl had said she wanted to play. She wanted to spice things up, so we met another girl.” With his freehand, he undid his buckled and pulled himself out. He was already getting hard.

“Where did you find her?” my own breathing was getting heavy. Seeing him like this was really making me hot.

“We met her at a club where she was a dancer. One thing led to another and we invited her to play around with us,” he positioned himself at my opening and starting moving himself back and forth, lubing the mushroom head. I groaned feeling his size rubbing against my lower lips.

“We went out one night to a restaurant. Not a fancy place. Just some place with booths. We sat in a C-shaped one,” he groaned as he finally entered me. I tingled as my legs twitched. I sat in the middle, and my girl was on one side, and our friend was on the other.” He began working himself into me, small bits at a time. With me in that position, he was careful to not push too hard.

“Both of these girls were teases.” Danny could not fit fully into me in this position, I could feel him bottoming out. He began a varied back and forth, sometimes hitting the limit, sometimes going shallow.

“My girl reached under the table, and unzipped my pants,” I could hear him starting to get into the story. His voice was passionate in the retelling; his strokes began to match. I felt it through his cock, his excitement; his head swelled up bigger than usual. The first of my orgasms was building. I squirmed but couldn’t move.

“The waiter was this young guy, stuck on the late shift. While we ordered our food, she stroked me hard, teasing me. She didn’t try to hide what she was doing from this waiter, but he couldn’t see what was going on directly, just her arm moving,” he continued, struggling to keep his pace even. My own fireworks were going off now, not the full 1812 Overture, but some bursts. “This poor kid watched me getting this great hand job, all while she pretended to look at the menu and ordered. She kept looking, and kept jerking me off.”

“Oh, oh, uhhhh,” I moaned, picturing Danny in the middle of this. That poor waiter.

“The dancer, she, ah, she was pissed to be left out,” his strokes were just plunging into me now, all deep, all driving me crazy. “The dancer drops her fork on the floor under the table. And, uh, oh, goes ‘Clumsy me!” and goes under the table to guh, get it.”

“Fuuuuuck!” I sobbed. Danny had me like a fish on a hook, I just squirmed. The orgasms were coming one after the next, waves crashing into me.

“S-she starts sucking me while – while - my girl was still stroking me. Huh, the waiter is ju-just sitting. Watching. You could hear wha - what she was doing under there,” Danny, grunted and paused for a brief moment, sweating. He started back up again, and the electricity in my pussy just went crazy again. ‘I- anh – I started cumming right, right there. I couldn’t huh-hold it. My girl stopped ordering. Let me go. But the duh-dancer was sucking and swa-wallowing.” He was nearing his end, I could tell when his strokes get uneven. I was so ready for him.

“I was leaned back, in-ah my seat, spent. Th-the dancer climbs uh-up from uh-under the table. Ha-had my cum all over her fa – face, lips ‘n hair. Sits back nuh-next to me, and says ‘I’ll ju-just have a milkshake’,” and then he exploded inside me with a roar. We were both climaxing, but laughing at the story while writhing with the delicious raunchiness.

That feeling of being trapped in a vulnerable position and to have him control me, make me so horny with his words and actions and then deliver on a mind-shaking fuck was...

I don’t know why, but I remembered Stephanie telling me about pushing boundaries. As all of that pleasure raged through me, I thought about her words, and about how I never did anything like this story with Danny, or anyone. But he had all of this experience, and I was just so not that person. Danny pulled out from me and let me move so that I could straighten out, before he laid next to me, kissing my face.

Later, after we had cleaned up and gone to bed, Danny was close to sleep.

“Honey,” I asked, his eyes fluttered.

“Yeah?” his voice was soft and distant.

“Do you miss doing that stuff. With the threesomes and the public sex?” I

He rolled towards me and picked his head up. “Sweetie, it’s not your thing. I’m with you. It was fun in the past, but it’s long ago. No, I don’t miss it.” He put his head back down and sighed.

“You and your girlfriend stayed with that dancer?”

“Mmmm?”

“You had that threesome more than once?”

“Mmmm, with her? Not long. She was with us for a couple months or so,” he said.

“Why did you stop?” His eye opened to look at me.

“Huh?” he propped up on his elbow.

“Why did you stop after two months?”

“Uh,” he recalled “The dancer got jealous. I loved my girl and wouldn’t leave her. So I asked her to go.” He reached over and touched my face. His touch was so gentle. “I’ve left that behind. It was years ago honey. Please don’t worry about it.”

“OK, OK. I won’t,” I said. But I was lying.

JR

I hadn’t thought about Brenda the dancer in ages. I hadn’t been back to that club since Stevie left me. That might be another good outlet.

I made a note to go check that out.

Cindy

Getting ready for the barbecue was really pretty easy. Everything kinda fell into place. The guest list grew a little, so people just volunteered to contribute. We had a charcoal grill and a hibachi for back up. Beer and wine were easy and the rest was just logistics. Getting people there and managing times. Our place is only a two-bed in a complex. We would be grilling on our own patio, and there was no pool or anything. Seating may be an issue with peak times. But there’s always people who show up early and leave early and then the stragglers. We did have a park across the street if people wanted to toss a ball around or something. That could open space for others to join.

So, the day arrived and Danny was ... well, he was weird. Fidgety. We were getting organized, like, putting simple picnic table cloths onto food areas, and he was bouncing. On his toes. He got a small keg of beer and checked it like six times. It was so funny. It’s not like it was going to run away, but it almost seemed like he might.

But once guests showed, he was himself. Fun and sweet with his friends.

Stephanie

I like hosting parties. I don’t always like going to other people’s parties. Maybe it’s me? Simon had said he’d make it but it was always a thing where he might get a call from the clinic and disappear. So, we took two cars there.

He and I were still tense. Yeah, that’s a good description. Our own little issues hadn’t been resolved, and frankly, I was seeing an expiration date on our time together. He was just his own person and I needed him more involved with us, more ... passionate? And he just couldn’t commit at this stage. Frankly, I wasn’t sure he could at all.

We reached their place and found parking. The place was smallish; well compared to Simon’s place most homes with twenty-somethings in it are going to be small. But it was a definite step up from the student ghettoes where JR and I lived. Cindy’s touch was there. A bit simple, like her, but at least there was an attempt at décor. If left to a guy like JR, then there would be bare walls and a single couch.

JR greeted Simon and I at the door. He warmly said hi to Simon, making a brief apology for running out after our barbecue. Simon was gracious and warm in return. It’s rare that I get to see him interact with other men outside of his practice; makes me a little regretful the nature of how they’re connected.

“Hello Stephanie,” he smiled politely. But his eyes were elsewhere. A polite handshake and he let us in. I played out this meeting hundreds of time over the last few weeks, but I didn’t expect it to be so ... normal?

He looked smaller. He looked like I felt. Tired. His eyes were slightly sunken. Leaner. Hungrier. But he looked good. He was my JR. And a few cosmetic blemishes aside, he was still ... mine? No that wasn’t really true, was it?

We went in and mingled. Cindy came over immediately and gave hugs and welcomed us. She pulled us aside and ensured that whatever we wanted would be addressed. I could only nod.

I had a drink in my hand and was talking with some coworkers but my mind was elsewhere. I saw JR across the room. He was talking with Jen and Emily from the office. He was nodding when he looked over and caught my eye. I wish there was more there, but he was closed off and there was little I could do without attracting much attention.

Several joints were being passed around, and JR was clearly partaking, so it was lip service that he was abstaining from weed. Simon made his way over to JR and was enjoying himself. I was actually envious of him at the moment. Simon made it known that it was fairly average grass. I didn’t refuse it myself.

On the whole, things were pretty boring until she walked in.

I had to admit, I didn’t get JR’s game until then, but her arrival made things clearer.

Diana

Well, I showed up and joined the party. I was prepared for the worst but, really it wasn’t so bad.

JR had told me to ask for ‘Danny’ and that seemed to work. He came to the door, and smiled warmly. He was so sweet actually. Not that he wasn’t before, but it was like, with his cock in his pants and not in me, he was a different person.

He invited to mix around and that I was on my own and free to move around. It was fun. He got me a glass of sangria and then made some introductions. People were cool, and the guys were very into me, but that’s usual at most of the parties I go to, but this was an older crowd and they were way more cool about it. But I’m young, not dumb. I know when guys are interested in me. But there was only one guy there for me.

He had warned me about his girlfriend, Cindy. It was easy to spot her once I walked in. She was cute and seemed nice, but when I was introduced to her, she stopped like she’d seen a ghost. It was weird; I’d never met her so, it’s not like she knew me. But once I mingled some more, I got a sense of what was up.

On the patio, I met Stephanie, and I almost dropped my glass.

Stevie

That fucker brought a younger version of me to the party.

I had no fucking idea what he was playing at, but this barely twenty-something version of me walks into the party, and I had to laugh. What was he thinking? I mean, the hair was a little different. The eyes weren’t the same, her body and tits were nowhere near mine; she was much slimmer. Overall, she was way more timid than me, even at that age, but I got the vibe.

He had his girlfriend and two mistresses in the same party. What a bastard.

Mr. ‘Don’t Give the Game Away’? What an asshole. He was sending a message. He had found a replacement for me, without the baggage, and was shoving it in my face.

I was being replaced, right there. He drew a line to let me know my services were no longer needed. No wonder he was so cool and collected during this event.

So that’s how it’s gonna be? OK buddy. Wait until I get my hands on you.

Cindy

Danny introduced this girl, Diana, and it was the weirdest thing. She looked like a younger version of Stephanie. Not like, identical, but close enough that it was spooky. He said she was an intern in his company and was breaking into the industry, but she looked ... young. Striking. I mean, if you’re even close to what Stephanie looks like, you’re set for male attention, but...

Danny introduced her around and she was, well, popular.

I asked some of the people from his work, and they didn’t seem to know her, but that it was a big office and there were work study students there all the time. Still, it seemed a bit strange.

I pulled Danny aside. “Wow, that Diana is pretty,” I nodded at the group of guys who had gathered around her.

“Yeah, well she’s new in the office and has been helpful to me lately on a few side projects,” he took a sip of his drink and looked at me. “She’s nice.”

“I’m sure. What does she do?”

“Research mostly. Dirty work I don’t have time for. You know, you get these projects that need hands-on work?”

“Really? She’s a researcher?”

“Are you judging? Books and covers and all?” he grinned at me. “Babe, I just throw some paper at her, point her at what needs handling and she’s off. It’s not hard.”

Now I felt bad. I know what it’s like being overlooked because you’re a woman. Especially when you’re young and attractive. “She just seems ... young?”

“Look, I’m just trying to help her expand her horizons is all,” he bumped his cup against mine. “Get you a refill?”

“Sure, thanks honey!”

Dan

“That’s subtle.”

I turned around, and Stevie was standing behind me. I smiled and offered her the joint I had just taken a hit from. She took it and roasted it.

“Hmmm?”

“Fucker.”

No one was immediately near us. “I’m sorry?”

“You’re bringing clones to your parties now?”

“Do you not approve of my guest list?” I looked through the plate glass doors and found Diana talking with several guys surrounding her. She seemed quite happy and was very engaged in whatever discussions they were having, most likely revolving about getting into her panties. The joke is on those guys – she wasn’t wearing any.

I saw Simon engaged in conversation away from everyone else. We were safely alone as we would get. Finally, this was the conversation. I was strangely at ease after weeks of buildup. If I was honest, I had no idea what I wanted from this conversation though.

She was flinty but I was used to that. She made the joint glow again and handed it back.

“Can we discuss this?” she looked at me. “Adults?”

Goddamn, she was fucking gorgeous. I mean I lucked out with finding Diana. Online dating, right? But with Stevie in front of me? It was like seeing a print in the gift shop of a Van Gogh, and then seeing the original. The brushwork, the texture, the piling up of the pigments and all in three dimensions? That’s one of the things that you miss out between the copy and the original. The original exists in a separate space. Stevie existed in that separate space; one that Diana, or anyone else, could not occupy. At least in my senses. The real thing was incomparable.

I had been steeling myself for weeks and suddenly I realized I wasn’t really ready for this. I tried with Diana. Really. She was great, and I thought ... well, I’m not really sure what I was thinking. Maybe that if I had backup here, I could be ready to see Stevie again; be in the same room.

All planning for a fight goes out the window when the first punch lands. The rest of the fight is about recovering. Stevie, just by showing up, had knocked me on my ass, and I didn’t it know until I was looking up at her from the canvas.

“Why?”

She blinked at me, like it was a stupid question. She shifted her weight to address me, but was soft and patient. “I owe you ... many things. Apologies. Explanations.” She looked around. A smirk. “Unfinished business.” That landed like a haymaker. With just an implication, she cut through weeks of anger and self-righteous indignation with a tease of a promise which knocked the wind out of me.

I pretended I was a man and held myself up to her. I hit the joint. Not the smartest thing when you’re in serious discussions, but I had to stall for time.

“How are you?”

“You’re asking me that now?” she raised an eyebrow. Exhale and looking down. “I sleep like shit. Maybe three hours a night. And I wish it was less because I’m afraid of the dreams. I feel like I’m grieving all over again. I dunno why I’m telling you that but...”

“Me too,” I said, immediately regretting it. But once I’d started, I kept going. “My dreams are this ... I dunno. I’m lost and searching, or I’ve had a...”

“A death of someone close?” she asked.

I looked at her; if I could put a name to what I was feeling right then, it may have been closest to fear. I nodded.

“And you’re looking for someone but can’t find them?” she continued. The look in her eyes was a bit unnerving. “And when I wake up, and my heart is pounding, that I grab my phone and call anyone I can think of to make sure they’re OK?”

Thank God for the autopilot. “Get the fuck out of my head.” Breathe, dammit.

“Gimme that,” she took the roach and made the end into a cherry, taking the last of it. She crushed it underfoot.

“Yeah. Well, this is... “ I was stuck. “OK, yeah. Fine. Next week.” All my resolve was gone. I was still fucking pissed off, though.

She smiled. If I took any one memory from this party, that smile was it.

Diana

I have to admit, this was fun. JR and Cindy were good hosts. The food and drinks were good, and the rest of the guests were actually cool. It took about an hour, but I felt welcomed enough to relax and really not worry about ages or work versus school.

I was getting my own refill (I needed a break from the guys constantly refilling my glass; you can’t be too careful these days) when Stephanie walked up to me.

“So, you’re here for JR?”

“Um ... Dan?” He had told me to only call him Dan here.

Her eyes narrowed a bit, and she took a step closer. She really was beautiful, and looking at her and how she carried herself, I knew we shared more than just a similarity in appearance.

“No, I’m pretty sure you’re here for JR.”

I recited from the script JR had drilled into me, figuratively and literally. “I, uh, I work with Dan and – “ she arched an eyebrow. God, I had to learn how to do it like she did. “I mean, I go to school and work part-time with Dan and...”

A small hand wave and she said in a low voice, just above a whisper “I always loved how after he just finished cumming, that he’d take that cock and shove it in my mouth for me to clean it. The tastes of my pussy, our sex, his cock and cum? Oh, it was like dessert on top of the fucking he just gave me. And I knew he did it to stay hard, because he wasn’t finished with me yet.”

I was stunned, but at the same time, not. I took a sip, my eyes darting around the room to see who was listening. “He fucks me until I can’t walk. And then he just chooses a different hole.”

“He hasn’t changed,” she nodded. A small smile. “It gets easier. No, it doesn’t. But it does get so much better.”

I groaned, feeling myself get wet, thinking about getting my guts rearranged with JR between my legs. I looked for him in the room.

She leaned in. “You’re waxed?” I nodded. “No panties?” Again. “I’m jealous.” I looked at her. If anything, I was jealous of her.

“What’s going on here?” I asked. She flashed a quick smile.

“Well, our boy is sending a message, it seems. And since I’m here with a date and out of commission, he’s opting for a newer model.” I knew this, but hearing it out loud, and from her, made several pieces fit.

“He’s a good man,” she continued. “Don’t judge him on the affair stuff. He’s, uh,” she sipped her drink. “He’s dealing with some issues. He’s not like this usually.” She guided me by the elbow to the patio. I looked around. A few of the guys I had been talking with were looking my way, but seeing Stephanie and I together, they smiled. It didn’t take much to imagine their thoughts.

“He’s very monogamous. Usually,” she continued once we were outside. “I’m afraid he’s slightly broken at the moment. Do you love him?”

This was way too weird. “I ... I don’t know. I love the sex, but really, it’s only been a few weeks. Do you?”

She nodded. “Don’t break his heart.”

“What?”

“I know this seems fucking crazy, and you don’t know me from a hole in the wall, but he’s not as tough as he’ll make you think. The sex, the control, the way you just want to please him? There’s a cost. Part of this now, why you’re even here in the first place, is him paying costs he shouldn’t have to. Just,” she straightened up, “just be kind. And being kind may mean saying ‘no’.”

“But I can’t,” I said. Really, I wasn’t sure I could say no.

I certainly couldn’t say ‘no’, or anything else when his cock was sliding through my mouth on its way into my throat, like it was thirty minutes later. I was on my knees in a dark corner of his apartment’s parking garage. I slipped out when he said he was going to get some ice for the party, and he signaled me. I quietly made my way out and met him. I was drooling by the time we found a spot and I dropped to my knees.

I got him up and going, with wet suction and his soft groans as the only noise, before another tenant came looking for their car. Soft footfalls shuffled; I looked up and JR’s eyes were closed. I continued but was alert. The noise stopped once, and then continued, softer. JR just kept fucking my face.

“My my,” the smoky soft purr came from my right. Stephanie. “Good form,” she nodded to me. “But not very subtle,” to JR. He jerked from my mouth, and I choked at the sudden emptiness. “Cindy’s sniffing around, and if you want to avoid a mess...” To me, “Get back up there now. She’s keying in on you, New Girl. You disappearing tipped her off.” JR just nodded at me.

I wiped my chin and moved quickly to rejoin the party.

JR

“Well, well,” she watched Diana leave before she walked over. Her hand, delicate and elegant, gripped me like a handshake. Sliding from the base to the head, she had every nerve in my body firing.

My eyes were wide open at the surprise interruption, but if I was going to be caught, well it could’ve been much worse.

“I’ll take care of this,” Stevie said, kneeling into the place just occupied by Diana.

Wasting no time, she opened her mouth and sucked in just the head. Her tongue swirled around the head before noisily swallowing the first few inches. Her oral skills were far superior to those of Diana. Stevie knew my soft spots and was hitting them all. Her engagement ring flashed as it moved up and down on my shaft.

My breathing came faster. She was making quick work of me. She grabbed my ass and pulled me further in.

Wait a minute...

“Was Cindy really looking for her?” Her mouth full, she just shrugged her shoulders, a mischievous twinkle. “You bitch,” I sighed, pissed but enjoying myself far too much to do anything about it. I took my cock from her mouth, long strands of gooey saliva connected her lips to me. I pulled it away before rapping her gently on the cheeks with it, much to her delight. “Simon?”

She grinned, “You’re still concerned for him? I’ll be sure to let him know.” She licked at the underside before giving a juicy kiss. “Had to leave. Clinic.”

“How convenient,” I aimed for her open mouth.

“Very,” she inhaled. God this felt amazing. I couldn’t stand much more. She knew exactly what to do and it showed in her eyes. The sounds, the sights of her at work. I had no conceivable defense against this. I could feel her bringing on my climax, just a little push. She reached to the base of my cock, ready for the finish and she...

She squeezed around the base of my cock hard enough to bring this delectable cum to a screeching halt. She stood, keeping an iron grip around my cock, and pulled me in by the shirt with her free hand for a deep wet kiss. I was going absolutely nuts. I groaned into her mouth, her tongue stuffed into mine and muffling the vocalization of my agony. Odors of jasmine, cigarette and weed smoke and that Stevie scent flooded my nose. My balls felt like they were swelling, like my Grinch’s heart, three sizes too big.

But that kiss, that was a kiss struck a note; a memory forgotten and then uncovered. I haven’t had the promise of passionate fulfillment in a kiss like that since, well, the last time she was giving me blue balls, under somewhat similar circumstances. Which, made things worse, since my balls were already working overtime, but she was still stimulating me into full-on production.

She released my southern parts and with her now-free hand held my head. I flailed before realizing I could use my empty hands to hold her. I stopped caring about my cock, just that kiss.

She finally released me. “I have to get you by the balls to make you listen to me.” Her wry smile is on my Top Ten favorite Things Ever list; so much promise, so much hidden in that gesture.

“Next week,” she continued. “I talk. You listen. Then you decide whether we take care of this.” She flicked the tip of my suddenly hypersensitive prong. “Trust me, you’ll have every option on the table. Whatever you want, however you want it.” Her grin was infectious, despite her inflicted torture. “Weren’t you supposed to be getting ice? Your boys there are gonna need it.” She turned on her heel and left the garage.

I stood there, pants down and throbbing for five minutes. She was right, I needed the ice now.

On my way to the store, I unblocked her number. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Me? Go take out your issues on your girlfriend, Danny. The one you live with, not my clone.” Touché.

So I did.

Cindy

Whoooo! What a party. I’m glad we made the effort. Everyone seemed to have a good time. Danny was in high spirits at the end, even trying to pull me into the bedroom. We still had guests but he was all horned up! Well, I had some plans. I wanted to show him I could be a wild girl too! So, I made him wait and behave while we were still hosting.

I wanted to go down the street to the club two streets down and dance, you know, show him I could surprise him. The last few guests filtered out (Ha! I watched him going nuts, cleaning around them, almost ready to pick them up and escort them out) and I grabbed my purse.

“What is this?” he asked.

“I wanna show you I can be a sexy girl too!” I told him going to the door.

He was having none of that. He closed the door, and all but carried me to the bedroom.

Danny has done a lot for me in the time we’ve dated. He’s kind and sweet and loving. But that night, he fucked me. Hard. He wasn’t rough or abusive, but this was about him using me. And the thing was, I wasn’t even sure if he was getting any pleasure from this. I mean I came, again and again. But that tender, slow pace he always had was just not there. When he came, it was as if he was an animal, complete with conquering roar. I could fill him just pumping and pumping into me.

And then he kept going. I tried to enjoy it. I tried to do it for him. I went where he moved me. Changing positions, changing speeds (although most of it was fast or faster) and then changing how deep he stuck it in me (again, the options were deep and deeper). He just did what he wanted. He seemed to need this from me, he seemed unable to stop himself and I really wanted to be that girl that made him happy, but I just ... I couldn’t do it. This wasn’t me. But I held on, ignoring the pain and how this man inside me seemed like he was someone else, like he was not the same man I loved and lived with.

By the time he finished again, I was in tears, crying. I don’t think he noticed. He just got up, got a towel for him and me, and then crawled into bed. He leaned over for a kiss, but he never said a word. He just went to sleep.

JR

I haven’t slept that well in weeks.

Stevie

I haven’t slept that well in weeks.

Section 2: All Is Falling

Dan

I felt terrible for the way Cindy looked at me.

And, I suppose I couldn’t blame her. I was really worked up after the party and I remember thinking she was doing OK, I just kinda ... was in a zone, I guess. I always tried to filter out my urges from her and take it at a much slower pace. She’d been with other guys, so it wasn’t like she’d never had sex before me. She just wasn’t at the same level of need as I was used to. I didn’t blame her, and I’d been able to suppress it for the most part. But since Stevie came back into the picture, but I couldn’t act on it, and now with Diana in the mix, I was back to four years ago. And now the problems were that I couldn’t compartmentalize things so well any longer. Old me leaked through.

Like, at that moment? Sure, it was all about Cindy. I needed to fix that. But God, I needed to be pounding Diana soon or I was gonna go crazy. There was no way I could get Cindy back in bed for the short-term fix; there was no way she could’ve taken it and, in that state, I would’ve done real damage to her, and us. But the urge was so strong; beyond compulsion. My previous addiction to Stevie had returned and needed more.

“Babe, I’m so sorry. I can’t begin to explain this. Or even apologize enough,” holding her close, I stood beside her as she sat at the kitchen table. I had cleaned almost everything up from the party, and had made a pot of coffee. She sobbed softly in my arms.

“It hurt! I couldn’t stop you. Why did you keep going?” All were good questions, which there was no way for me to answer truthfully. What was I going to say? ‘Sorry, but I got blue-balled by both Diana and Stevie and took it out on you’? Good one! Pass...

“Is that what you want? That kind of sex?” the tears in her eyes were breaking my heart, but there wasn’t much I could do or say to calm her. “Just be honest with me!”

I almost told her everything, about me, Stevie, Diana, the whole thing. I felt like shit and this had started to get out of control, but I couldn’t just drop this on her. I reached out to her but she pushed me away.

“Just, leave me alone. I need to think!” Cindy had never been this upset. I didn’t have much choice. It was honestly better if I left though. I nodded and left without saying another word. Her sobs were ringing in my ears as I left.

As soon as I was out the door, I had my cellphone out, calling Diana. I apologized for the ‘mix up’ at the party and asked to come by. She was more than understanding and wanted to finish where we left off, but had to back out, as she had some exams to study for and couldn’t afford to spend an entire day with me.

“Fuck,” I was stuck and I had a real need here. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, babe. I’m sorry. I know, I want to. I’m actually super horny, you kinda left me hanging. But I know a quickie would become an hour, and then four or five hours...” she paused. “Hey, are you OK with black girls?”

“Well, yeah. Why?”

“I’ve got a friend of mine. I told her about you.” I winced at her talking about me to her friends. Loose lips... “She dances at a couple spots. She told me if I ever felt like sharing you that she’d happily take what you were offering. I mean if you’re cool with that and all.”

Looking at my options, I was more than OK with it, and a friend of Diana’s? “Yeah, I’m OK with it. Are you OK with it?”

A pause. “Yeah, she’s good people. We’ve partied a bit. Just don’t be giving her all your best. You owe me. Let me call her. I’ll call you back.”

Ten minutes later, I not only had an address, but Diana had spoken with Cleo, and she was dying to meet up. I was on my way. I was rock hard the entire way over.

She buzzed me into her building and I found her unit, not that it would’ve been difficult with an almost six-foot tall, barely dressed black girl standing in the hallway. She was slim, toned and cute. Her most prominent features were her mouth, plush and full, and quick eyes full of mischief. Small simple cotton panties sat low on her rounded hips and a barely-there top held small firm breasts, but was practically see through. Dark chocolate nipples capped the contents within.

She was still, resting against her doorframe until I was within about 10 yards, eyeing me as I walked towards her. Then she broke character and let out a whoop and ran. I paused, bracing for an attack. She leapt at me, and I caught her in mid-air. Long legs whipped around my waist and locked me in her grasp. Strong lean hands grabbed my head and those lips were planted against mine instantly. Her probing tongue invaded my mouth. I had to shift to hold both of us. I cheated and put my shoulder to the wall.

This was a new approach. Hi, there. How are you? I’m fine, thanks!

Heat exuded from her, she was active and aggressive. Her breathing was more like panting. Righting myself, I carried her towards the open apartment door.

She broke the kiss with a maniac grin, sucking on her bottom lip. “Hi! You only cum in my mouth. And you wear a condom everywhere else.”

I kicked the door shut behind us.

Stephanie

I got a call from Cindy the day after her party and she sounded like she was at the end of her rope. It was a bit of weird timing, but she said she had to talk to someone about this. I was having a terrible day myself and needed my own diversion. So, I suggested we meet for coffee.

“I love Danny but he keeps hurting me with sex,” she told me. “And something was nagging me about him. His sketchy behavior lately was also bothering me, like that girl from the party.” Uh oh.

I took a sip of my latte. “Which one?”

“The one that looked like you. I saw you talking with her.” Double uh oh.

“Oh, yeah, that was odd. But, yeah, she was sweet.” The folk music they played in this place sucked. Why do hipsters think that coffee and bad Joan Baez clones, doing the breathy whisper-singing is the way things have to be?

“Well, maybe, but she seemed to hover a little too close to Danny. I think she has a crush on him.”

I grinned, and waved it off. “Danny’s a handsome guy. She’s, what? Working with him? Did you have a workplace crush?” She nodded, seemingly buying what I was selling, “Mine was on a married guy in the department in the next business unit. He was cute, but it was only for about six months and his group relocated and it was a passing thing”. She nodded. “It’s not like I ever acted on it.”

“But he’s still my Danny. I mean I get his big thing and the rough sex,” she said. “But he’s always been so gentle. It’s only in the last few weeks. And last night, he was, he was someone else!”

“Where did he cum?” I asked

“What? Why?” I watched her destroying the napkin that came with the latte. This was tough for her to talk about. I mean it was good for me to hear in a way. I longed to be on the receiving end of that deep dicking she was getting, but still ... A little sisterhood?

“Did he cum on your face?”

“No, no. He went inside me.”

“So, it wasn’t like the other time you talked about. It’s not consistent, what he’s doing, that is.” I reminded her of past conversations when JR had been a little too rough with her.

“No, I guess not,” she said.

“He’s just being weird,” I explained. “It’s not like it’s a pattern of behaviors, he’s just a guy and he makes mistakes.” I took a sip of my own.

“But he’s hurting me and it keeps happening. And I’m afraid that he might be going somewhere else if I don’t give him that sex. If he’s not already! To some fucking whore,” she spat. Then looked immediately ashamed. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t use that kind of language”

JR

“F-f-f-f-fucking cocksucker! Bastard!” The mouth on this girl. If something wasn’t going into her mouth, something filthy was coming out of it.

“ ... hhhhhng, nnnnggggggg, gawd! Fuck! Fuck! Ahhhhhhh! Cum in my cunt!” Cleo writhed underneath me, a sweating origami of legs, arms, holes, tits...

Cleo’s shapely ass was up in the air with her face planted in the pillows. The two of us took up most of her smallish bed. As I pounded her, I pushed her hips, and forcing her face in further. Deep grunts were my reward. Her gushing cunt was like a silky Chinese Finger Trap, as I pulled out, it gripped on me tighter. I could see her pink lips travel out, snug around my cock, with each stroke. The first knuckle of my thumb was seated firmly in her dark rosebud.

She was a fantastic fuck. I brought my hand down across her small firm ass, before plunging into her, my hips slapping against her ass.

“Ahhh, fucker! God!” her voice was a husky growl, about half an octave lower than her speaking voice. Buried in her, I ground against her ass, with the head of my cock bumping and twitching inside her. Each move that deep in her was a direct line to her pleasure center. She jumped and convulsed like a current passed through her. I pulled out halfway and slid back in again. It sounded like a wet sponge dropping on the floor.

Alternating strokes deep and hard, I brought this hot-ass woman to the edge and kept her there until she was begging me.

“What are you offering?” Another slap on her ass. Another animalistic groan.

She promised me full unprotected access to her cunt, ass and mouth as well as introductions to her dancer friends. I graciously accepted her offer with several quick, deep strokes. The points of my hips slammed her toned ass.

Her cum broke as her legs collapsed and she fell onto the bed, gasping, with me on top of her. Tears were in her eyes despite a huge smile as her orgasm coursed through her, as she flopped like a fish on the end of my gaff.

I leaned into her, licking her neck and then biting on her earlobe. I whispered into her ear, asking if she was ready to start delivering on her promise. “Puh-pleash...” she slurred face half buried in the pillow. I whispered more in her ear and she nodded. As I ground into her, I kissed those gorgeous lips and began firing deep into her pussy; a Cheshire grin spread across her face as she breathed small sobs into my mouth.

After, those lips cleaned my tool, her suction and tongue making a velvet bath, sending deep pleasure into me, while she called Diana.

Diana

I actually got him to take me out! I mean it was just for coffee, and on a Sunday afternoon. And Cleo was with us. But still ... he appeared with me in public, like he was proud of me.

I hesitated when Cleo called, but she needed a break from getting electrocuted by his third rail, and I was gonna take a study break and join them for round-number-whatever they were on; Cle said she lost count how many times they had screwed. I was jealous and happy for her. She looked happy. Tired, but happy. She was walking better than I would’ve been after a few tussles with JR between my legs.

The three of us made our way down the street; Cleo and I chatted while JR added a few comments. He was actually holding my hand! He was a bit more interactive and his voice was that friendlier tone. He would smile at me when he thought no one was looking. It made me wet just thinking him and I having a more normal relationship. Fuck the age gap, I wanted this man for myself.

Cindy

Talking to Stephanie was exactly what I needed. My fears and pain were so hard for me to discuss, but she was open and honest and had her unique perspective. We talked about what, just a few days before, I would’ve thought was impossible - that Danny and I were not meant for each other, that there was too much space between us and ... Her hands held mine.

My God! I was so selfish. I had been talking the entire time and there was not a single second of concern for anyone but me. It was staring me in the face.

Stephanie’s hands were bare.

I stopped my babbling. Well, I guess the focus of this conversation just shifted.

“What happened?” I asked.

A small smile but she looked extremely uncomfortable, a rare look for her. “I, uh. Well, there’s a bit of a story, but I...”. She took her hands back and they disappeared into her lap.

“Did he cheat on you?” I interrupted.

“No! No. Of course not,” she looked sad but kept on. “He’s a good man and there’s so much to like about him. We’re just ... moving in different directions.”

“Permanently?”

“I can’t say, but I’m not seeing that our differences are fixable.”

I leaned back, and was distracted when the shop door opened. A man walked in with his arms around two women, they were enjoying each other’s company and obviously happy. I turned back to Stephanie to offer comfort, but was suddenly nauseous and unable to speak. A gasp from my chest, and Stephanie turned.

“Oh, fuck me.”

I don’t know what took over me, other than blinding anger. That ... motherfucker!

I stood from the table, my chair squawked in protest. I ran towards the ordering queue “You motherfucker! How fucking dare you!” A part of me was embarrassed for using such vulgarity in public and doing it so loudly.

Danny’s eyes were wide, whites visible all around his irises, his mouth an ‘O’. The girls with him looked at me coming at them like I was a lunatic. Their mouths moved, but I couldn’t hear anything but the rage and anger in my heart.

Danny’s hands went up protectively, but I wouldn’t hurt him. I couldn’t, even though he’d hurt me so badly. I ran past him and out the door. There was rushing in my ears, a gut-churning nausea and the exquisite pain of my heart pushed an adrenaline high and fueled my legs as I ran.

Behind me, a minor pandemonium was breaking out; I couldn’t hear it. “No! Nononononono!” I screamed automatically, not even hearing myself. As fast as my legs could carry me, I needed to get to my car, to get out of there. Be anywhere but there.

Something made me turn and look. I don’t know why, but like a masochist I needed to see, to witness the devastation that my life had become. I wasn’t thinking; there was only the pain of the cheated. Danny was a step or two behind me.

It was strange because he was flying at me. I was screaming at him, hating him, and here he was diving at me. A soft impact and then I was flying back away from him. A huge blur shot past me, a few feet away, and with it was a gust of wind. I couldn’t hear anything, but that breeze smelled of springtime.

Dan

I died on April 28^th, as a result of blunt force trauma, major internal injuries and hemorrhagic blood loss.

Stephanie

I held onto Cindy as we both sobbed on the sidewalk. She was completely inconsolable, hysterical, and I was no better. Her wails were primal in their pain and loss, for herself, her man and the loss of what they had.

Traffic was a mess, stopped in both directions; a major disturbance on a busy street. EMTs had been close by returning from another call, and had gotten on the scene just minutes after the car struck Dan as he pushed Cindy out of the street. We were close to the University campus, and its hospital, so they stabilized him, carefully but urgently boarded him onto a stretcher, careful of his injuries and left.

Cindy and I had already been dealing with the shock of seeing his beautiful broken body being taken away when the police started nosing about, taking statements and controlling the scene. Cindy was incoherent, her statements were a garbled mess of anguish, fury and despair, flowing with tears, spit and snot from a face that was red and twisted.

My tongue was thick in my mouth as I spoke to them. I gave basic descriptions of the events. If I wrote a novel, I still couldn’t capture the nuance and serendipity that led to what had happened. From what I found out, my description became the chronicle of the events. Even after Cindy spoke with them days later, her account was so full of pain that it made no sense.

My clone and her friend were nowhere to be found. A momentary distraction quickly forgotten. We asked the police about Danny, but of course there was nothing to be said then.

We sat there for a while, before we were escorted to the hospital, Cindy for treatment of a few bruises, but more for her own safety. Me, just because I had no place else to be.

I sat one of those godawful waiting room chairs.

I made a call.

Simon

Stephanie’s call was unexpected, but then again, few of us have plans for dying. And Stephanie is anything but ordinary.

I came from my clinic and went directly to the Trauma Care Unit and then consulted on the resuscitation. Dan died at the scene. EMTs revived him, stabilized him and then lost him again in transit. He was brought in coded, and moved directly into surgery to repair the dissection to his abdominal aorta, which was partially torn by the impact. He was bleeding to death inside his own body, on top of the other damage done by the impact.

The initial list of injuries included several broken ribs, a punctured lung, broken femur and hip, the damage to the aorta, lacerations to the liver and spleen and damage to both kidneys, one of which would likely need to be removed after the car had run him over. His skull had a minor fracture, and I was asked to relieve the intracranial swelling so that his brain wasn’t crushed by his skull.

All of this was enough to be lethal, but Dan’s size, the position his body was in when he shoved Cindy out of the way and just some damn good luck to be close to this hospital saved him. I didn’t envy him when he woke.

Stephanie spoke with me after I told her that there was still significant danger and damage to repair, but it looked like the critical period had passed and that recovery would be difficult, but highly likely.

She held me in a tight hug, with tears and hitching sobs. And then I knew. Without telling me anything else, there was a pain and a sadness in her that comes from such a deep place, deeper than I ever felt from her when we were together, which made me leave my own clinical detachment behind and hold her close, one last time, as she thanked me.

Dan

There’s no heaven.

There’s no hell.

Despite what we do to ourselves, the knots we twist ourselves into in life and the lies we tell ourselves, there is only a dreamless black. Timeless and without pity. This is where we come from and where we go. You don’t live through that. There is no living there. It is complete, in and of its lack.

But of course, that was wrong too.

I was pulled out from there, chewed up and shit out onto some hospital bed where noise, light and a shitload of pain contrasted that wholly sterile void. My breathing was of dust and disinfectant. I was parched and empty despite having several tubes feeding and monitoring me. The quiet, rhythmic beeping was nowhere near the cacophony that TV and the movies told me.

To say the least, I was confused, as there was no memory of how or why I was broken and anguished in such a place. I was all but lashed in place. I could move more than a few inches if I wanted to. I was trying, searching for some clue when a young, white clad lady walked by my bed, smiling. What was she so happy about? I was in an all-encompassing pain.

“You’re awake! Excellent. Here,” she bent over, a small cup with a straw. “Slow sips.” I latched on, and she had to pull back. “Slowly! This is going to hurt.” More than it already did? But she was right, the water softened the tissues in my throat, making me feel the misery in the back of my throat.

She knew what I was feeling, while I sipped. “You were intubated for a few days until your lungs could recover. We took you off the respirator yesterday.”

I tried to talk, but that was broken too. Dry croaks came out, and the sips of water came back up in racking, agonizing coughs.

“Shhhh,” she said, “Let me get the doctor in here. I’ll turn this up. She reached beside me to one of the bedside torture devices and pushed a button. Reaching beside me, a small button moved in my hand. I was grateful that my hands worked without complete searing agony. “This is your pain meds. You’re limited to how much you can get, but I’ve raised your limit slightly now that you’re awake.” She left and returned with a graying doctor, no white coat, but had the stethoscope and a smeary lanyard ID badge for the hospital. Good to see some stereotypes were true.

He gave me the low down. I had been out for four days, but was out of danger. It would likely be another week under observation, but after that I could be discharged. He explained, to the best of his knowledge, the cause and extent of my injuries. It was all news to me. He gave me some guidance on what I could expect, and plans for my recovery and rehabilitation. Surgeries had been performed to fix what could be fixed, including a rod in my thigh, removal of my right kidney, repairing the tear in the biggest artery in my body and a resetting of my pelvis.

Oh, and did you rotate the tires and check the fluids? Fuck.

He would be checking in on me for another day or so, but for the most part, I was out of danger, now that I was awake, and I would be transferred to another ward until I was discharged. He patted me gently and left.

My jaw was one of the few parts of me which hadn’t been damaged, but my guts were screwed up, so my nutrition was through tubes. The nurses fluttered about, poking and skewering me. I did my best to comply, but they were little sadists.

A few bouquets of flowers were around, but otherwise, I had no guests. The nurse noted that I had some female visitors for the first few days, but none had returned once I was out of danger. I wondered where Cindy was and why she hadn’t been there for me.

I found out a bit later why.

The next day, Cindy came to visit. She looked beautiful, but tired. Exhausted. Walking into the room, she stopped when she saw me awake, but connected to all of the machines. Hand to mouth, she gasped, but made no move towards me.

I smiled. “Hey babe.”

She came to the bedside and sat in a chair. She was making small talk and besides a few tears and sniffles, she was emotionless. “You’ll be out in a few days.”

I nodded.

“I’ll help you home, but I won’t be staying with you. You’ll need to get help from someone else while you recover.” I heard her, but her words didn’t make sense. She paused.

“Danny, I saw you with those two girls. You physically hurt me last weekend with sex, and then there I am talking with Stephanie when I see you with that girl from your office and some black girl.” This was maybe the last thing I remembered. The entire accident was missing. I had no idea what happened, what the event was, but the last thing I remembered was being with Diana and her friend ... Cleo! Cleo on the way to get coffee before we went back to Cleo’s for an afternoon session.

For the second time in two days, Cindy, Stephanie and Diana were in the same room with me in some parody of a grand alignment. No wonder the outcome was massively terrible.

Her tears were flowing now. I apologized but it was confused and I was honestly not in a position to refute anything she said. She tried remaining passive, but I could see her anguish. She had been having doubts, and there was something fishy. She even made a comment about Stephanie. But the crux was that I had crossed too many lines and she could no longer accept my excuses. Her trust had been broken and it would take too much to recover. This was it, I was being dumped in my hospital bed.

As she explained the logistics of her moving out and my recovery, there was a practicality in her voice, a detachment. I was despairing. I mean, I knew that this was inevitable, based on my past state, but there was piling on, and then there was this, the proverbial insult added to the injury.

Cindy stood up, and held my hand, being careful of the IV into my hand. “I’m grateful to you for so many things, Danny. I truly love you and will cherish our time, and the gift of life you gave me. But I can’t forgive you for how this happened. I will see you when you are discharged, but after that?”

And then she was gone.

I was not the best person in the world. I knew that from the beginning, but this was a new low for me. Hours turned into days, and I thought about myself and what I wanted. Where was I going? How had I screwed up things so badly? Was there a point in going back? Cindy was a lot of things, naïve, innocent. But she was not a pushover. I had wronged her and hurt her and the woman I knew was firm in her decisions.

The night before my release, Diana showed up to the hospital. Her visit was brief. She looked lovely, and there was tenderness in her eyes and touch, but she was also there to break ties. The scene at the coffee shop was too much and she realized that her role in my own, almost physical, destruction was not how she wanted to live. Great sex was great, but the emotional toll it took on her was too rich a price. She noted that Cleo said thanks, but that she too was bowing out. She left with a sweet kiss and told me to take care of myself. “Maybe I’ll see you?” she said, but I wasn’t going to count on it.

True to her word, Cindy was there to see me home. I was discharged in a cast with both crutches and a wheelchair, heavily wrapped ribs and several potent pain medications. I was to rehabilitate with simple movement to keep the hip from setting poorly and take visits from a therapist for the next several weeks. Good enough recovery would take two to three months. Until then, I was a home-bound prisoner.

I arrived home to find the apartment was cleaned out with the exception of my few things. The contrast from what I left that Sunday and what I returned to was stark and depressing. She organized my medications and gave me one hug before saying goodbye and wishing me well.

I was now truly alone and broken.

The one person I didn’t hear from, and the one I expected was Stevie. I reached out to her, but there was no response. I left messages but there was nothing.

Recovery began, as most things do, with small steps. I tried to do what I could on my own, but often was limited to small movements and to my thoughts. Therapy visits were painful, but much less than everything else I was going through in my head.

Cindy called a few times to see if I needed anything. I was grateful for the contact, and thanked her kindness, but did not try to extend conversations unless she was leading, despite my urges to speak with her. It was one of these calls, where Cindy had noted that Stephanie and Simon had split. In fact, this had happened the day of the coffee shop. I listened for clues, but she only said that Stephanie was taking it hard and was taking time off from work. She gave no further details.

That explained a few things, but not all.

I continued to recover and begged the office to send me some files to handle so I could stay up to speed mentally and not let things pile up. They were initially resistant, but I was able to convince them that my recovery was coming along well, and this would keep me occupied. Which was true.

The therapists were pleased as I pushed myself through their hoops; they thought I would recover fully. It was not without efforts though. On all fronts, I took my rehabilitation seriously and did all I could to recover in mind, body and spirit.

But it was so very hard. The physical pain was the relief, funny enough. It would keep my brain occupied and focused. Once the physical discomfort stopped, the downtime, was when the mental pain would start, and that nearly broke me.

At night, alone, I prayed for the void.

Section 3: O True Believers

Stevie

Nothing like a little drama to make you take stock of your life choices. And I had some accounts to settle.

Simon was a good man, a noble man doing his best. We had met through friends a few months after I returned from California. After my failures there, I was licking my wounds and he offered compassion and somewhat irregular companionship. He warned me that his work was his priority, and I went in with eyes open. And we were OK. Fundamentally we were aligned except in the bedroom and in the areas of my own independence. Eventually these issues were enough to divide us, even without JR coming back into the mix. You know, I think he was a bit relieved when I returned the ring to him; it was almost as if he were expecting it.

Still, it hurt.

Cindy had been a good friend and a dependable colleague, and here I was sneaking around her back. Granted, there was the implied permission she gave me weeks ago to “steal my man back”, but had she known the whole story, I kinda don’t think she’d have given the same advice.

But she had dumped Danny and had moved in with me. She was a wreck and dumped all of her guilt and angst onto me, so I got it both barrels, from her side and from my own. As least she was someone that I could split a pint of Ben and Jerry’s with on the couch and not get a side-eye. She was a wreck, and somehow, I was tasked with watching over her. I guess that’s some symmetry.

JR? What a mess. He’s cornered the market on bad luck and it’s a miracle it hasn’t killed him. And yes, I was partly responsible for this, I was extremely aware of that. I didn’t make him get that Diana as a side piece. And who knows about the friend? That was a new one on me. But I did unleash the monster, and then watched as he escaped and terrorized the village. OK, not quite ‘terrorize” but still, I set him loose, and I couldn’t be surprised at what he’d done to himself.

Counting the black cats that have crossed his path: he ran into me again, I work with his live-in girlfriend, I reawaken his suppressed libido, he brings his mistress/mistresses into the same coffee shop as his girlfriend, he saves her from becoming street pizza, gets himself broken in the process, his girlfriend dumps him and leaves him alone to rehabilitate on his own. And those are only what I know about.

I owe him, but he’s taking a back seat at the moment, as I seem to have contracted my own run of shit luck from him like it was VD when I blueballed him in his parking garage. I wish we would’ve just fucked and gotten this out of our systems.

Still, he was alone and it was tearing me up as if I was the one who was crushed.

Cindy

Stephanie was patient with me. I was intruding and making my problems into hers. But between the two of us, we were a nice two-person support team. Codependent, but we earned it the hard way.

I couldn’t sleep at night. Well, I could, but I was afraid to. I had these dreams where I was lost in a crowd looking for my husband. Or my kid. Or...

I’d wake up, sweating and still lost. I reached out for Danny, but the reminder that he was gone just gutted me further.

Stephanie asked me about it, so I told her. She looked at me; the closest emotion I could recognize was horror. She held me so tight and cried with me, shushing my sobs.

A few weeks of this and I was at the end of my rope. At the office I was useless. At home, I sat on the couch or in bed and cried. I had thoughts about Danny being a moment too slow in his rescue. These were some of my happier thoughts. I chafed from all the tissues I cried into.

Stephanie held me, wiping away each other’s tears. I couldn’t have done this without her. She was such a rock. We had to break out of this. And it had to start with me.

Over a bottle of wine, well a few if I was being honest, we finally talked about it.

“You need to go to him,” I said. She looked over at me.

“Huh?”

“You need to go to him. Danny. You need to be with him. He loves you and he needs you now.” Her eyes were huge. She just stared.

“I have, um, I’m not sure why you’d -”

I interrupted her. “It took me a while, but the pieces kinda fit while he was still in the hospital. I mean there were little hints here and there. You both told me stories that, looking back, seem really similar. Overlapping.

“But the party at our place. That girl. Diana. She was too much like you. There was too much going on there. And then he was with her at the coffee shop. He was trying to be with you but he couldn’t. For so many reasons.”

Tears were flowing from her, but I felt strong. I had mourned my part in this already and this was removing the venom that was left behind and hurting ... all of us. I had to get this all out. Excise it.

“He was your boyfriend in college, wasn’t he? He was the one you left behind. You were the one I was replacing.”

She nodded. “I’m so, so sorry,” she whispered. I could see why he still loved her. At her most vulnerable, hair a mess and in sweatpants, eyes red and wet, she was ... what’s the word? Transcendent. And the woman that I knew? Her inner strength, humor and kindness? I didn’t know a man that could resist that combination. Of course, Danny loved her.

I’m no saint, but I try to be good. I still felt anger. I still felt some sadness, but at who? Danny? Stephanie? What did they do? I knew how the heart wants what it wants, no matter how we lie to ourselves and say otherwise.

She blew her nose. “He was past it. It was over. He loved you. Loves you,” she said. “I know he was 100% into you. He had completely changed himself and his personality to make you love him. Until – “ she sobbed.

“Until you met him that night,” I finished. She nodded. “Do you want to be with him?”

She thought for a moment. “I want ... I want to be happy.” She wrung her hands. “I want all of us to be happy.” I waited. “Yes,” she said so quietly I read her lips more than heard her.

“Then you need to go to him. This will help all of us. We need to heal, and this is the start.”

“But you, what is...”

“Stop,” I held up my hand. “Getting you two healed helps me. I don’t know why, but I just feel it. You two are the most important people in my life now, and we’re only wasting time and keeping ourselves from moving on.”

“But how is this going to work?” she had slid closer to me on the couch.

“I love you both so much. How can I not want this for you?”

She jumped on me, holding me tightly, and the real crying started, from both of us. There was no stopping this; it was an ugly cry, but getting this out was making sure we were honest with each other.

“I can’t do this alone,” she sobbed. I didn’t have an answer, but we started talking and ... well, to get an answer you need to start with what you do know.

Dan

Stephanie opened the door after I had finished my therapy session for the day. The PT was just leaving and looked at me. I waved her in, saying it was OK. I was moving around the place on my own, on crutches, although I hoped I would be through with them in a few weeks.

This was the first time I’d seen her since our party. Her role in the coffee shop incident had been wiped from my memory, although I knew she had a front row seat for everything. I wondered how bad this was going to go.

“Hey,” I said, lowering my aching body into a chair

She came over to me, just breathtaking.

And then she really took my breath away. She leaned over and kissed me. I think the chair moved, I was so stunned. She held my head and just melted into me. Her smell and her touch were as I remembered and stirred what I thought was empty and gone from inside me. I felt the wet running down her cheeks. I was grateful that I was healing, because this kind of strain may have been physically painful had it happened a few weeks earlier.

Releasing me, she let me pull away. I did not see this coming when I woke up this morning. No, sir.

“I love you Daniel Preston,” she breathed into me. “I love you and I’m not letting you get away from me again.” Another kiss, softer, slightly, but this time I was ready and I returned. My arms were now around her. And my tears started, but these were not the self-pitying ones I had shed in the past weeks.

I pushed her back, grimacing from the pain the movement caused me. Good. I could focus. “What happened?”

As she explained, I felt a mix of elation and anguish, for the love and the hurt and the sacrifice that was involved with this whole play. I needed time to piece this lesson together.

I held Stevie, breathing her in and causing as much pain as I could, so I was sure I was awake and this wasn’t another cruel dream caused by my injuries or the therapy session. Nope. She was really here. She was really saying what I thought she was saying.

I explained to her about my own forty days in the wilderness and what I had learned about myself. I wasn’t the same person she knew. Well, I was, but I was comfortable with what I had and what I wanted. Of course, I wanted her. I loved her and I always would. But I needed more. She nodded. I think I explained things well, and we sat and had a long overdue talk. I mean, real talking. Without the specter of sex hanging over us. I had a few months to go before I could really enjoy that pleasure again. In this instance, though, I was grateful. It was maybe the only time I could imagine where I was happy that I couldn’t fuck Stevie.

We got through her leaving, the pregnancy, the losses she felt and about my cutting her off. My anger, once so sharp and caustic, was replaced by sadness, compassion and love. I got through Cindy and our time together and all of the positives that came from that. We talked until it was dark, and the early summer evening breezes drifted in; this was the answer to the void, all the senses working together in harmony and life. This was true peace and my moment of Zen. I had come through the fire and was born anew. We talked over dinner and then we just held each other.

Finally, I sent her home. “You have to go to her. You have to show her how important she is to you. To us.” She wanted to stay, and I wanted the same, but I needed to be strong for all of us. We parted with only sweetness, and no bitterness, because for the first time in months, there was a way forward. She would be back the next day. We had much more to talk about; we knew that there was more work to do, and it was important for all three of us.

Stevie

I had almost forgotten how happiness, real true happiness felt. Well, no I didn’t but it had been so long away from me that having it again in my grasp, it was like seeing it for the first time.

I greeted Cindy with a hug where I thought I would break her ribs. She was hesitant at first but then returned it.

“So it went well?” she asked. I talked for five minutes straight about what had happened. I thought I did a good job explaining it. “Did you fuck?” Apparently, I didn’t explain well enough.

“What? Of course not. Did you even listen to what I just told you? He loves you. He wants you in his life. In our life.”

“I don’t know about that. My healing is different than yours. I’ve got a different path I have to follow,” she said.

“Like what?”

“I’m ... still working that out,” she looked down as she spoke.

I hugged her again, “I love you Cindy, I really mean it.” A kiss on the cheek. “Not for this, you know. For everything.”

“I know. I love you too. And him. It’s just, I dunno. Too fresh?” I nodded. Of course. I was so happy with how the day went that I was just lost in my own bliss. Of course, she needed time to heal. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew we would be fine. All of us.

Another bottle of wine, and another chick flick and we went to bed.

The next day, I was finishing breakfast while Danny did his exercises. He had come so far from being dead.

I tried to explain to him over eggs what it looked like after the accident, and he just kinda zoned out while I was talking. I don’t think he wanted to hear about it, to remember about what it was that led to that and how close we all came to so many bad things almost happening. Well, bad things did happen for sure, but my man did what was right. He’s my own Superman.

After he finished with the stretches, he got his reward there on the couch, and I swallowed his cum after showing him just how much he filled my mouth. He insisted on repaying me, and who was I to deny Superman? So, we moved to the bedroom. We had to be careful, as he really couldn’t have intercourse yet; the hips were almost healed, but it wasn’t worth the risk, so I got to ride his face like a horse. I was happy that most of his neighbors were at work so they couldn’t hear me screaming. When he moved his mouth back and gently rimmed me before really scrubbing between my cheeks, I soaked him and his sheets with a coarse stream. He was full of new tricks. That man’s tongue is gold. I was really going to like this new arrangement.

When we were done, he washed up. “Babe, I need you to do me a favor.”

I came in from the kitchen, where I had made a small snack. “What is it?”

“There’s box in the back of my closet. Can you grab it for me?”

I did. It was kind heavy. It felt like a bunch of loose junk. “Where?”

“Just on the bed,” he said. Once there, he hobbled up beside me. “Open it.” I peeled off the tape and opened it. It was a bunch of junk. Photos, books, knickknacks...

Oh shit.

Oh fucking shit. “Is this... ?” Again, I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. “This is ... this is our stuff. This is all the stuff that I left!” I tore through the box. Margarita glasses, a ball gag, photo albums that he insisted on printing out. It was all there. “You burned this?” I was sobbing.

“I had a funeral for it. For us. I actually burned some incense, but when it came time to destroy it, I couldn’t. I could never make myself give up on it.”

I bawled like a kid and threw my arms around him and hugged him until I hurt him. “Sorry! Oh baby!”

“‘ ‘s OK,” he grimaced, but was still awfully proud of himself. “Of course, now it makes me look like a superstar.”

“You have no idea,” I said, slipping my hand back into his shorts.

Cindy

I asked Stephanie about when she was going to move in with Danny. She insisted that she wasn’t. She and I were living together for the foreseeable future and that was that. They were together again, but there was still healing to be done, she said. There was no rush, and they were going to take all of the time needed before living together.

She was open with me that they were having some sex, oral and toys, but that the full P-in-V thing was going to wait until the healing was done. It hurt to hear but compared to the other stuff we’d already been through, it wasn’t so bad.

Stephanie dragged me over to Danny’s for dinner. I admit, I did my best to resist. This was to weird and raw. I know I did my part to put them back together, but I didn’t need to continue torturing myself. But I was happy I went. Danny looked so good, so healthy, despite the cast and the scars. Just like everything else, they suited him. Made him manly. “I don’t feel very manly,” was his response, but he was just mellow and calm about everything.

They didn’t rub their relationship in my face, in fact had I not known better, the whole meal seemed like three good friends sharing time together. Which is exactly what it was. No more, no less. We decided, well, they decided and roped me into, having this be a weekly thing.

I tried dating and had a few good hits, but my heart wasn’t in it and mostly there wasn’t an immediate need for me to get back into the pool. I was pretty deliberate in my criteria and those were hard to find. Well, I knew where to find them, but it just wasn’t gonna happen there. But with good friends, I wasn’t all that lonely.

Besides, I had a comfortable thing with Stephanie and she and I were home together most nights. So, there was that.

The night before Danny got his cast off, Stephanie and I went out for drinks and just may have overdone it a little. It was just us, and we got back to the apartment giggling and teasing each other. Some damn fool opened another bottle of wine. OK, it was me. Sue me.

Halfway through the first glass, and Stephanie is walking back from the kitchen. I was horny, lonely and just blurted out “I miss sex. I miss fucking.” And then I giggled at the vulgarity. Stephanie came back in the room, staring at me.

“Say what?” she walked towards me.

“I said I miss having sex. I’m jealous that you’ll be –”

Stephanie’s lips were pressed on mine like the gentlest caress. The tip of her tongue darted like a little fish into my mouth, teasing and stimulating me before tracing the edges of my lips. I was stunned, but this was pretty damn amazing. My eyes were open, looking at her before I really just rolled with it. There was nothing to protest. I never experimented in college, and I really wasn’t complaining, but her soft and gentle touch, compared to a man’s, Danny’s, was a different game. It was just maybe a minute when she broke off and looked at me.

I could open my eyes a little; as beautiful as she was, she was not what I was hoping for but it was what I needed. I attacked her and pulled her into me. I was a fumbling novice, but I had a load of motivating frustration to guide me. She put up with that for a few minutes before she dragged me into her bedroom. She went to work on me; I could only imagine what men felt when they were with her. No, strike that. I didn’t need to imagine it.

Her soft skin and the last sillage of her perfume, fragrant only within inches of her skin, drove me wild and she rubbed against me, soft and sleek. She stripped her own clothes off before focusing on me. Her body, well, it was just like everything else about her.

She started covering me with kisses as she removed each piece of clothing. She pushed me down, while stimulating my lips, my neck, then my nipples, down to my tummy before sinking between my legs. That darting tongue had me groaning and writhing, arching my back and sweating as wave after wave drenched me in a pleasure I had never known. She used her supple fingers to caress and open me, diving into the spread mound where she guided me through successive climaxes like pearls on a string. I had to beg her to stop, beg her for breath before she finally relented. I gasped, soaking and shaking, while she spooned me and kissed my neck

I would’ve done anything for her, but when I moved to return the favor and begin exploring her, she held me firm and whispered in my ear, “I love you, Cindy.”

She held me while I cried before starting all over again, with gentle kisses. It was hours before we collapsed, exhausted with almost nothing left unexplored.

To say the next morning was weird would be an understatement. I was hungover, embarrassed, satisfied and completely horned up. Stephanie met me in the kitchen wearing an open robe, with a soft kiss.

“We need to talk,” she said. I joined her at the table, she told me what she wanted. I was stunned. I couldn’t think of any words but all she asked was that I would think about it. I nodded. This was insane. And I was insane to think about it.

Stephanie

We both took the day off to take Danny to get the cast removed. He’d need crutches for a while longer, but the atrophy of the quads was not as bad as it could’ve been. Danny just had those freak genetics. He was still moving like an old man, but the cast off was symbolic. The hip was good. The leg needed help, but time would see to that. His heart was open and his head was clear and focused.

We headed home. A celebratory lunch was in, and we ate well. It was a touch awkward, with Cindy being a bit on edge. She had gone along so well, but now it was showtime. Danny nodded to me.

“Cindy,” he began, “I can never apologize enough for what I did to you. I relived what I did for days and weeks on end and it ate me up. There’s so much I want to say, but I would just be living in the past and making trouble none of us need.” He rose. “Would you stand up, please?” Cindy stood.

I took an old silk sash from the box of stuff Danny had saved and gently blindfolded her. Once it was secure, I kissed her softly on the lips. When I was finished, Danny leaned in and kissed her. At his touch, she whimpered softly, shaking and almost lost her balance. Danny gently held her, continuing his kiss.

I reached behind her and undid the clasp on the loose shift she wore. Edging it off her shoulders, it slid to the floor silently into puddle at her feet. I quickly stripped to hold her from behind, pressing my breasts into her back and stroking her sides down to the gentle flare of her hips. I could hear her moan into his mouth. She brought her hands up to his shoulders to hold on, while I slid down, planting kisses on her spine.

I kissed the Dimples of Venus in her lower back before getting on my knees. I stroked and fondled her buttocks, to her shivering delight. Gently kissing both of them, I spread her cheeks and licked down her crack. Her fragrance was mild, and pleasant.

“Nononono,” she broke the kiss, danced at the sensation. “No, please.”

We both shushed her as we would a fussing child. “No one is doing anything they don’t want to do,” Danny said, stroking her face. “Please let us show you.” He leaned in for another kiss. Another shiver but this time we continued. I softly rimmed her while he kissed and fondled her breasts. It was less than a minute before she exploded, gasping and moaning. She collapsed onto the couch behind me; Danny and I kissed, with him savoring her taste on my lips for a minute before taking her to bed.

Cindy

I stuck my head into the bathroom while Danny was in the shower “We’ve got the Lamaze class at seven tonight remember? Danny?” He grunted. “OK we will meet you there?” He called out again, which was as close as I was gonna get to a confirmation that he’d be there. Of course, he would be there.

He wasn’t getting much sleep with Stephanie and I taking up so much space on the bed, and his showers were one of the few times that he was free from the two insanely hormonal pregnant women who monopolized every other moment of his time with requests for food, foot rubs and sex. He acted so put upon, but he’s got no one to blame.

Frankly, when we weren’t looking at him, he didn’t stop grinning from the time he woke up to the time he finished fucking us to sleep at night. But when we were around, he affected this hang-dog look which was comical. We knew him better than that, so we let him have his little tantrums. He’d earned them, and would be paying for them for years to come. In the short term, his love of pregnancy-swollen breasts was driving him mad every night, and we were only too happy to tease him with them.

My daughter was due in about eleven weeks, with Stephanie’s son three weeks behind me. We had gotten a three-bed place, near the coffee shop where this whole crazy chapter nearly finished before it could start. The master bed was a California King with Danny in the middle, since we both needed to pee about five times a night.

The coffee shop had become our favorite place on Sundays. A few of the regulars would still give us funny looks and urgent whispers of “Isn’t that... ?” Yes, it was. And yes, we were. And yes, Stephanie still hated the music there, but, in light of everything else, she wasn’t going to complain.

In fact, we wouldn’t have it any other way. All of us were full of the life we had within us and shared between us.