Chapter 15

Bonnie felt sick all morning and couldn't seem to concentrate on anything but how empty she felt inside. She really didn't feel much like meeting her friends for lunch either and called Shelly from the lady's room.

"Hi Shelly, I don't think I'm going to make lunch with you guys today. I'm really not feeling that well."

"Why? What's wrong?" She could hear it in Bonnie's voice that something was wrong with her and knew it wasn't from being sick either. "Has that little dick-wad done something to you?"

"No. I'm just not feeling well today."

"Come on, Bonnie, we know too many secrets about each other for me to know that's not true. Now out with it. What's wrong?"

Bonnie took a deep breath. "I said good-bye to Greg this morning."

Shelly could hear the pain in her friend's voice. "You and I are going to meet for lunch, I'll call Liz and tell her we can't make it to the cafe' today."

"What will you tell her?"

"Now, Darling, don't you worry yourself about that! I'll take care of it, and I'll see your ass at Carl's in about an hour, okay?"

Carl's was a little hole in the wall diner a few blocks from the office building. It was one of those places that never seemed to catch up to the rest of the city, and the small building looked out of place in the downtown area. Bonnie had stopped in there a couple of times, and though their menu wasn't anything to write home about, the food was decent and the price wasn't that bad either. A lot of blue collar types ate there while working on the construction sites downtown.

It was ten after twelve when Bonnie strolled into the diner. Shelly was already sitting at one of the few booths that lined the far wall. A long counter with little round seats in front of it took up most of the space in the diner. When Bonnie sat down, Shelly looked around and said, "If I see just one cockroach, I'm calling the city's health department!"

Shelly looked as if she expected one to drop on her out of the ceiling at any moment, and Bonnie almost laughed. She didn't think the diner was that bad and thought, 'Shelly can be such a snob about things sometimes.'

Shelly suddenly turned back to Bonnie, and without beating around the bush she asked straight out, "Okay, out with it. What's going on between you and Greg that's got you so upset?"

Bonnie was taken aback by her friend's directness, and she saw that there was no way that she could avoid or put off answering. "Greg was expecting me to meet him for lunch today and I told him that I wasn't going to see him anymore."

"Why? Did he do something to you?"

"No. It's just that I needed the time to see if I can work things out with David."

"Why? Was David going to meet with you for lunch?"

"No." Bonnie couldn't stand to look at Shelly's prying, penetrating eyes. All she could do was look down and hope that the waitress would hurry up and come to take their order.

"Oh, you're feeling guilty," observed Shelly. "It's written all over your face as plain as if the words were neon lights flashing on your forehead!"

Bonnie looked up in surprise, and just then, the waitress came to take their order. Bonnie didn't feel much like eating and ordered a small, tossed salad.

Shelly looked around. "Do you have any drinks in closed containers?"

The waitress began to rattle of the list of canned sodas until Shelly interrupted her. "Just get me a can of lemonade."

Bonnie watched as Shelly double checked the napkin on the table before using it to wipe the top of the can the waitress had brought.

"So how many times did you fuck him?" asked Shelly, once she was satisfied that the top of the can was clean.

"We never had sex," answered Bonnie, looking down again. "We just had lunch together a few times and he did a few things for me that was extraordinarily nice."

"And you didn't even fuck him?"

Shelly sounded shocked, and Bonnie defended herself. "It never really came up. We didn't have time to do anything like that anyway."

"But you wanted to, right?"

Bonnie thought a moment. She had to admit, she'd thought about it--even fantasized about it. But did she ever actually want to have sex with him? Two months ago, she would have never even considered it, but now?

"Yes." Her answer came slowly, and she said it so softly that Shelly barely heard her.

"Bonnie, you fell in love with him didn't you." There was no accusation in her voice. Shelly had simply stated the question as a fact, as if she already knew the answer without any doubt.

In all her thoughts and fantasies about Greg, during all her conversations with him and all the times she'd looked into his face, she never thought about actually being in love with him.

She shook her head no. She couldn't be in love with Greg. Not her, not Bonnie Derrelli--a married woman with two children! That's not the way she'd been brought up! She could already hear her mother's voice in her head, and she could already see the disappointment in her father's face.

'I'm not that kind of woman, ' she told herself, 'the kind that would run around and fall in love with some man other than my husband.'

That's what she told herself. But, even as she sat there shaking her head no, she knew that what Shelly said was true. She was in love with Greg. Even though they hadn't seen each other that much and hardly really even knew each other, she knew that she was in love with him.

Shelly watched her friend shaking her head no, and said, "Yes you are." Then reaching across the table, she grasped her friend's hands. "Bonnie, you're supposed to fuck them, not fall in love with them!"

Tears started forming in Bonnie's eyes and Shelly said, "Of course, being married to that little dick-wad of a husband you have, I can certainly see how it could happen."

"What am I going to do?" blurted Bonnie, suddenly. She was hoping that her wise sounding friend could come up with an answer right there on the spot. It was unreasonable for her to expect Shelly to be able to give her such an answer, but she was no longer thinking logically.

"Under the circumstances, I have to say that I think you did the right thing to tell Greg you can't see him anymore. I mean, trading David in for him would be like trading in an old beat up Ford Pinto for a Ferrari, but you're not in a position to do anything like that--at least, not yet."

"What do you mean?" asked Bonnie, in surprise.

"I mean you're not emotionally ready to do something like that. You're too much wound up in being the good housewife and mother to kick your ass hole of a husband to the side of the street where he belongs. David still has too much control over you, and you still haven't learned to stand up for yourself."

That wasn't what Bonnie had meant. She wanted to know what Shelly had meant by the word, "Yet", but now that her friend had expounded on what she'd said, Bonnie felt insulted

.

"I stick up for myself when I have to," she countered, "and David doesn't control me either!" That was just part of what she wanted to say to Shelly.

"Oh please," returned Shelly. "You let that husband of yours walk all over you, and the reason you do it, is because you don't have enough guts to tell him where to go. It's not your fault though. That's just the way you are, I guess. You can no more help yourself than Liz can help being satisfied with the little boring life she leads."

Bonnie still felt insulted, and Shelly saw it on her face. "But that's okay, Bonnie. I think you're getting a lot stronger than you used to be. Maybe it was because of Greg that's getting you over being that helpless little housewife you used to be, or maybe it was because of that night you went out with me. It might even have something to do with you having to deal with the pathetic problems of your little babysitter, but it doesn't really matter what the reason is. The fact is, you are getting stronger, and I'm sure your time will come. It's just not now."

As much as Bonnie hated hearing the things Shelly was saying, she knew her friend was right. She was right about everything, but the only comfort she got out of it was knowing that Shelly thought she did the right thing by telling Greg she couldn't see him anymore.

"Well Darling, I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave you." Then looking around the diner, she added, "I just can't stay in this place any longer. I never would have asked to meet you here had I known just how much of a dump this place is."

Bonnie sat alone eating her salad, and thought of all the things Shelly had said. She thought that although she disagreed with her friend's lifestyle, the woman did make a lot of sense. Bonnie spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about it.

By the time she drove home, Bonnie had made up her mind that Shelly was wrong about some of the things she said. She clung to the idea that what she was doing about Greg was right though. Anyway, she had to believe that.

The next few days just seemed to drag by. Each day, she expected Sandy to show up with new bruises, but she didn't, and the old ones were finally beginning to fade.

'Who knows, ' she thought. 'Maybe Andy really is trying to get his act together, and so is David.'

Saturday, David took the two boys out to see a ball game, leaving Bonnie to clean the house and do the laundry.

'My life isn't so bad, ' she thought. 'Maybe my getting involved with Greg just threw my life out of sync, and I got all wound up over nothing.'

However, it didn't matter what she told herself. Deep down inside, she knew she was wrong. She knew that if anything, meeting Greg had only made her realize just how shitty her life had become. As hard as she tried not to admit that, she wasn't entirely successful.

Sunday morning, Bonnie woke up and found that she really didn't feel very well and told David that she didn't feel like going to church.

"I don't know," she explained. "I just feel out of sorts. I have a headache and my stomach doesn't feel right either. I just hope I'm not coming down with something."

"If you are, then stay away from me. I certainly don't want whatever it is that you have, and I can't afford to miss any work either."

That was it. No, "I'm sorry you don't feel well." No, "Can I stop and get you anything?" No, nothing like that. Just, "I don't want to get it."

Bonnie lay in bed and listened to David yelling at the boys to hurry up, and get ready for church. 'Maybe Shelly was right all along after all, ' she thought. 'Maybe David is only happy as long as everything fits neatly into his world.'

Once she heard the door shut behind them, she got up and fixed herself a cup of coffee. She then took a couple of aspirin and made herself a slice of toast in the hopes that it would soak up the acid in her stomach and make her feel a little better. She also hoped that the aspirin and the caffeine in her coffee would kill her headache. While she sat sipping at the hot liquid and waiting for the toast to come up, she thought again about testing Shelly's theory about David.

'There's one way to find out if he's really interested in trying to make our relationship better, ' She then made up her mind that she would put David to the test the first chance she got, so long as the kids wouldn't be around to hear any argument that might ensue from it.

"Well I see you're getting around better!" exclaimed David, when he and the kids came back home.

The way he said it, Bonnie knew that it wasn't that he was happy that she felt better. It was more like he was accusing her of faking being sick so she didn't have to go to church.

"Thanks David. I do feel a lot better," she replied, ignoring the insinuation in his voice. "So how was church, guys?" She tried to sound as lighthearted as she could. It was true that she felt better, but not completely.

"Tommy looked first at his father, then back at his mother, before shrugging his shoulders. "It was alright I guess."

"Ahem!" growled David, loudly.

Tommy looked down. "Sorry, Sir."

Bonnie immediately felt guilty for asking the question. 'How else did you think a nine year old boy would answer that question?'

Fried chicken, sweet potatoes, green beans and a salad, that's what she made for Sunday dinner, but Bonnie only picked at the food on her plate and watched as her family consumed it in their usual silence. Twice, she started to say something, but each time, she stopped herself. 'Not yet, ' she thought. 'Wait until when the boys aren't around. Then you can put him to the test!'