Chapter 17: The Last Hurrah's and an Epilogue

One of the big named bands, which will remain nameless, was looking for a temporary replacement for their lead guitar player who would be in forced re-hab for a few months. They had a grueling tour coming up, so Bob raised his hand offering Heather. It would only be temporary, and of course Heather was already known as one of the best guitarists anywhere. Knowing it was only temporary she reluctantly agreed to give it a try. She didn't relish touring with anyone except the girls. Studio work was one thing, but the road was a killer, or as Bob had described it, "a ball buster".

A couple days later, Heather and the band got together in one of the many studios in LA to put down a few tracks and see about compatibility.

After a little warm up time, they started to play one of their "hits" with Heather playing the lead part flawlessly as Bob would have expected.

About half way through the number, the drummer pulled up and stopped, shaking his head. "Chicky-poo, you have to play it a bit brighter, more feeling. Put some energy into it Honey." Chicky-poo was bad enough, but the tone of the word "honey" made the hair on the back of Bob's neck stand up.

"Oh shit, here it comes," thought Bob sitting in his chair quietly seeing Heathers eyes.

Heather slowly turned around to look at the guy, and you could already see the fire in her eyes. Mr. Drummer apparently had missed that.

"Excuse me? I think I was doing it a little better than Dicky did on the last studio track you guys put out. Maybe he was a little incapacitated?"

Mr. Drummer looked at her with a look that bordered on contempt saying, "Not even close, Baby Cakes. You missed a half dozen notes and your timing is way off. It's making me crazy."

Bob continued to sit without making a sound. It was difficult to keep the smirk off of his face and he had to put his hand in front of his mouth so it wouldn't be noticed. Heather was quite capable of taking care of herself, but he was there if needed. He doubted very much that any intervention on his part would be necessary. Bob knew that for her, this would be a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent, and he knew very well what was coming.

Heather looked at Mr. Drummer incredulously, then at each of the band members in turn, noting that the others were just rolling their eyes and shaking their heads. Apparently this wasn't a unique situation with this particular band member.

Heather never had any problem saying exactly what was on her mind and she didn't give a shit what anyone else thought. Her "speech" about tribute would give glowing evidence of that.

After a few contemplative moments, Heather, turned to face him directly, and while beginning to un-strap and put away her guitar, in a very calm voice simply laid into him, "Who the fuck do you think you are?"

Then to his wide surprised eyes, "Listen Bonzo, let's play the track back from the booth. You tell me where I missed any notes and I'll point out your total lack of timing and the beats you totally fucked up. I'm making you crazy? Puleeezzzzeeee!"

She paused for a moment to let what she had already said sink in. Mr. Drummer's face was already turning a very bright shade of scarlet. Was it embarrassment or anger? We'll never know because Heather continued, "I can assure you, 'little man', that 'my drummer' played better than you do when she was in grammar school. Other than your pushy, egotistical asshole attitude, I fail to understand how you've managed to keep this gig as long as you have. You're far less than amateur quality."

Then as the 'coup de grace', "If you auditioned for me, I'd laugh in your face, then tell you to go practice for a few years before trying to pass yourself off as a drummer. In two words dude ... you suck."

Bob laughed out loud, he couldn't help it. He thought the guy was going to have a coronary. The guy certainly wasn't used to being talked to like that, and was literally sputtering and choking trying to get a few words of rebuttal out. He didn't make it.

Heather looked at Bob and said, "Let's go, Sweetie. If this two-bit drummer wannabe wants to play ego games with someone, he can play them without me. Life's too short to put up with his kind of infantile bullshit."

Then looking to the rest of the band, "I'm really sorry guys, but you really need to find yourself a drummer. One that can keep a beat and not mess with your timing. Even if he wasn't such a prick, I wouldn't last ten minutes playing with his drumming." She paused for a moment then continued, "Come up to 'The Girls Playground' in Willits and listen to Janell just once and you'll know what I'm saying."

Then after a short pause, "Better yet, I'll send you one of our DVD's. We actually did three of them, but the 'Final Tour' is by far the best. There are 'specials' on each copy, one with each of us 'just showing off'," she chuckled. "Take a look-see at Janell's special section, or the 5th set during the concert itself. I think it's actually disk 5, but you can look it up."

Then looking directly at Mr. Drummer, "You'll see and hear a real drummer."

The whole time she was addressing the band she had finished packing her guitar and other things into their cases. She picked them up and without looking back, started to walk out of the studio with Bob.

Bob turned and gave them a "What me Worry" shrug with a big smile. If he'd been missing a tooth he'd have looked like Alfred E. Neuman.

The door was closing behind them but Bob grabbed it before it closed completely. They heard quite clearly one of the other band members yelling at Mr. Drummer, "John, your miss-placed ego and your stupid mouth just cost us another premier musician. I think the rest of us are of the same mind dude, but I'm done with this charade. Personally, I'm tired of your shit. You're just a fucking asshole, and she's right you know, you are a shitty drummer, and it only took her half a track to figure it out. What does that tell you? I'm outta here!"

Heather and Bob just looked at each other with uncontrollable giggles, got into the car and headed for the airport. They needed to get back to the ranch so they could put down some additional tracks on the new CD they were all working on.

It was all original music, and it was going to literally rock the world.

When they walked in, the other girls were noticeably relieved that Heather was with Bob. They had been very worried.

They totally cracked up when Bob told them what happened blow by blow, word for word. Heather just sat there looking at them with a wry grin. They knew her well enough to know Bob wasn't exaggerating anything. He didn't need to.

"Totally," Janell laughed looking at Heather. "I heard them do a show once and it was hard to listen to them because he kept losing the rhythm. I played better than that in junior high school."

"I told him grammar school," quipped Heather.

Maryanne nodded, "Yeah. I had the same experience. I don't know how they do records."

Billy chuckled and said, "Multiple takes, Honey. He plays the same thing over and over then the producer pieces it together as best she can. You can pretty much do anything with 100 fill ins. It's like the stuff you guys play once, maybe twice in the fill in room. He does that for hours! I'm sure it drives Jilly bonkers. She's very good, and I can't figure out why she agreed to hook up with that bunch."

Then laughing, "It's just some sound engineering hocus-pocus that Jilly manages to piece together, but when you do things live, you can't hide that kind of ineptitude. Jilly doesn't do them live like I did for you. She's too smart for that. I'm trying to hire her away from LA by the way."

Then as an afterthought, "It's part of what makes you girls so damned good and easy to listen to live. You play 'studio quality' every time you pick up your instruments. It's that simple."

Heather told them what they'd heard on the way out and suggested that they probably wouldn't be doing any more recording as a "band" and that it's likely the upcoming tour would probably be canceled. She also told them that before she dressed him down she'd looked at all the other guys and they were all rolling their eyes, so she just took that as a sign.

"I mean ... shit ... you know me. I'm going to call it like I see it, so I did. Oh Billy, it might be a good time to approach your friend Jilly!"

Sitting around the table, sipping on whatever they were drinking, they all laughed hysterically. They knew Heather didn't mince words. They'd heard her lay into the media at so-called press conferences. They'd ask a "stupid question" and Heather would give them the answer they deserved. It pissed off a lot of media people, but they knew better than to take her on. It's one of the advantages of being squeaky clean. Well, mostly.

After a long silent pause Heather looked at Bob thoughtfully, "I know you want to promote us for other work, Honey, but honestly I'd prefer to just stay with this group and play my music. I don't need or really want all the notoriety that you've been working for. I have all the notoriety that I could ever want. I recognize your efforts, and I'm sure we all appreciate it, but it just comes with too much baggage. I'm really sorry, Baby."

Bob looked at her nodding his head, trying to suppress a grin, letting her know that he was listening. He also noted nods of agreement from the others in the room.

"I'm happy just working with the six of us, and being back here to do studio work with my family. I don't need all of the other bullshit that comes with 'fame'. Bob, you've gone through it already, you know what I'm saying!"

Bob nodded knowingly, "Yes I do, Honey, yes I do." Then slowly and softly, "To move at the higher levels you have to put up with monster egos, and you just ran into one who thinks he can play. Because he's such an asshole, nobody has had the balls to tell him up front ... and it took a woman, with big balls, to do it.

Heather just looked at him with a grin and said, "Bobby, I don't have any balls ... Ok, neither does he."

"Anyway, Honey, most of them really can play. I think you handled it pretty well, though in the 'big time world' you'd have just put up with it because of the name recognition that went along with it."

He looked around at all of them, "You are all in the 'big time world', but you've done it without compromising your integrity. That's pretty damned rare and it's something you should all be extremely proud of."

Heather picked it up, "I'm not putting up with any of that shit, Honey. If that's what it takes to be deep into the 'big time world', I don't want to be in the 'big time world'. Maybe it will work for Chelly, Janell or Maryanne, but it's not what I want for me," Heather noted emotionally.

The other girls were very contemplative as they listened to both of them discuss what had gone on, while Heather expressed her feelings, which pretty much mirrored all of theirs. They had all gone off at one point in time, and played with others in a studio situation, but these guys had wanted Heather to tour with them as a "guest guitarist".

She was already very well known in the industry as one of the premier guitar players, so she really didn't need any name recognition or ego boost. Anyone who mattered already knew who she was.

It was apparent that the rest of them weren't all that sure how they felt about it at the moment. They had been very fearful that Heather would leave the band for those "greener pastures" Bob always seemed to be trying to steer them all towards.

What she had just said gave them some assurance that it wasn't going to happen, at least not any time soon. Each in her way was very relieved. They all loved Heather, and knew it wouldn't be the same if she weren't there. In their mind, if Heather had decided to join and essentially leave, it would have signaled the end.

Bob looked around the room and found four girls very deep in thought. He knew what was going through their heads, and didn't blame them one little bit. They had been together doing this since junior high school, and the thought of one leaving, maybe permanently, wasn't something any of them really wanted to deal with.

Billy also recognized the dynamic that was being played out and just "sat in the corner" with his mouth zipped. He'd seen it all before but he had confidencethat with this bunch, it would all work out for the better.

"Penny for your thoughts," Bob finally threw out to the room after a long silence.

They all looked at him seriously, but it was Maryanne that really verbalized what she felt the rest were thinking, "We have plenty of money, Bob. Shit, we have more money than we could spend in a couple lifetimes. We're well known throughout the world. We still have our sanity, which I've come to learn is a rare commodity in the music industry," bringing chuckles from everyone including Bob and Bill.

She continued, "For me? I'm happy just being one of "These Girls Can Play". I don't need to be anywhere else."

All the others were nodding in agreement, then Chelly added, "I don't think that means we won't play with other people, or we won't do any studio work with others if they need or want us to, but as far as touring or being a part of another band, not me. I'm very happy and quite satisfied right where I am."

Heather looked around the room and tears started dripping from her eyes. Having to choke it out, she told them, "I couldn't leave this group guys." Looking at each, "You are my family. You are all I have in this world and that's far too precious to mess up. You guys, all of you, are my world."

The others jumped up to hug Heather and they were all crying by then. They all understood how difficult it had been for her to cope with her parent's death. Bob had helped her immensely, but other than him, the four of them, Billy and Terri, she really didn't have any family.

Heather continued, "I can honestly tell you, that as far as I'm concerned, I will never permanently leave this group. Without you guys, I'm nothing. You are my center. You are what I live for each and every day."