She told me it was no problem; she lied.
My name is Tom Teeter. My problem is worse than ever, I am living in the shadow of a divorce that has devastated, humiliated and embarrassed me more than I could imagine. My ex-wife has hurt me so bad that I honestly am not sure I will survive this grief that has been dealt me.
I am 29 years old, stand 6'4" and weigh 225 lbs. I have sandy hair, green eyes and am a guy who is constantly flirted with, or at, by women young and old, married and single. The best looking women come onto me aggressively without shame. It is something I've had happen since I was 12. I've been told by hundreds of women, over the years, that I am quite good looking,. I have a square jaw, smooth facial features, straight white teeth, a medium nose, and clean cut appearance. My broad chest and shoulders are muscle bound and my pectorals are pronounced with nipples that women love to tease. I have washboard abs, a smooth body with no, or very little, body hair. My thighs and calves are well muscled and my butt is taut, small and round. The girls seem to love to look at me and tease me with their own alluring beauty.
Everywhere I go I find myself being flirted with. Women offer me their phone numbers, their panties, their hotel room keys, a smell of their fingers after they remove them from under their skirt and looks and glimpses of nipples, panties, hairy and hairless pussy; regularly.
I resist the advances of women because of a unique problem I have always had. I have a very small penis. When it is soft, it is maybe ¼ to ½ inch long. Hard, at full mast, it grows to 2 ½ inches. Erect, it is about as big around as a normal man's thumb. My problem has always been absolute humiliation. My cock works fine; I pee like a racehorse and when I ejaculate I spew huge amounts of cum, squirt half a body length and am normal in all ways, except for my penis size. When I have succumbed to some elaborate seduction, from time to time, and after some kissing and heavy breathing, when the woman gets a look at or feel of my itsy bitsy penis, they laugh, they mock me and degrade me. It has served to give me the worst complex.
4 years ago, I had suffered so much humiliation from women over my size that I'd pretty much accepted that I'd never be in a loving and happy relationship. I have normal urges, I love beautiful women as much as any man, but I've had so many nasty and vicious encounters that I decided it was easier to keep my distance from them and find a way to plow through each day without getting close enough to any one woman so that I could avoid the further destruction of my self-esteem.
I'd gotten my master's degree in Engineering from the Colorado School of Mines in Golden, after 4 years of college at Colorado State University in Fort Collins, studying veterinary medicine, of all things. I was going to be a veterinarian, but after my Bachelor of Science degree I decided I wanted to do something else. So, I applied for and was accepted into the School of Mines with some additional work on the side to get the classes that I'd need for my Master's. It was tough, but I am bright and capable and at 24 years of age, I was ready for the world.
I had so little social life in college because of the constant humiliation, so it left me with ample time to study. I did have lots of opportunities to date and bed women, but I was always so humiliated. I was still a virgin at 24. There I was a virgin with a master's degree, great looking and a problem for which I had no solution.
I got a great job with the Colorado State Highway Department. I was a project engineer, with a lot of say so and responsibilities when new roads and bridges were being planned and built. The Rocky Mountains presented a lot of challenges for road building, so the need for services like mine were great and I had a bright future. My salary was way more than most, $160,000 to start and with a few breaks I could be up to double that, or more, in the next 10 years.
As always, I was "the eligible bachelor" wherever I went. Great looking, great job, no girlfriend' all the greats, except... !
I just avoided women.
April Blake was a flag girl on the project on which I first cut my teeth. We were adding a lane in each direction to Interstate 70 from Silverthorne to Vail, over Vail pass. The job was a logistical nightmare, because of heavy traffic, horrid weather, dangerous mountain conditions and the monumental (literally) obstacles in our path. April stood on the road with an octagon or diamond shaped, red, "stop" or, orange, "slow" sign for 8 hours each day, attempting to regulate the flow of and to slow traffic and make the job site safe for the other workers.
April is a stunningly attractive woman. She is my age, tall-5'9", 125 lean pounds, Hip length chocolate brown hair with stunning blue eyes, small breasts, petite butt and bright white teeth. I saw a picture of Princess Kathryn of Great Britain and I thought April could be her sister. Their looks are very similar, only April is smaller breasted and maybe a little taller.
April was unfriendly and unapproachable to most all men. She was so stunning looking that all men hit on her. She had become so sick of the come-on that she just wasn't going to let anyone through her defenses. What with me being pretty much the same way towards women, it was refreshing to me to be around a woman who wasn't on the make. I relaxed around her and she relaxed around me over the months. I could actually say that I thought we might be friends. No covert sexuality between us, just professional and friendly.
April was hit by a car one day right as the sun was setting in the west and the sun was in the driver's eyes. She was standing a little too close to the edge and the car was going too fast and not paying attention and just clipped her, knocking her off her feet and about 4 or 5 feet to the side. The impact wasn't real hard, but it did break her left thigh. She was in excruciating pain, laying there on the cold and snowy ground. I happened to be the closest to her when the accident occurred, heard her screams, looked and saw her writhing on the ground.
Dodging traffic, I ran to her and knelt on the side of the road, she was in so much pain she couldn't speak, beyond "my leg, my leg" and holding onto her thigh with both hands.
I radioed for an ambulance and we, being so far from any medical facility, and the traffic was so bad they said there was no way to get one in less than two hours or more, and then traffic being what it was, it would take over an hour to get to the hospital after they picked her up from the scene.
I told dispatch to do what they had to, that we had a flag woman hit. While I was talking dispatch could hear April screaming, so the true gravity of the situation was clear.
Ironically, the governor, himself, Rolly Tancredo, was in the Highway Department's office when I was talking to dispatch and he heard my radio transmissions. He heard April screaming in the background as I was describing the situation, and he himself ordered the chopper. It was highly unusual for something like this to happen without a physician ordering the flight for life unit, but when the governor orders it, it can be done.
While we were waiting, I stabilized April's leg. I used two shovels for splints, placing one along the left side of her body from her armpit to her foot. The second one, I broke the handle of another shovel and placed it from her crotch to her foot. I took my shirt off and used it to tie around the two handles and her leg up high, next to her crotch. I needed something soft so her break wasn't aggravated. Then I used ace bandage to tie around her calf, stabilizing the two handles. I had used the entire ace bandage out of the first aid kit in my pickup so all I had left was yellow "caution" tape for her upper body. I used about 100 yards of it and wrapped it around her torso and the handle just below and over her breasts.
By the time Flight for Life arrived, 55 minutes after the accident, April was going into shock. They gently loaded her onto the stretcher and into the helicopter. I told a sometimes conscious April that I would drive down the hill and see her at the hospital as soon as I could get there. Off they went.
It was after 8 pm when I got to the Swedish Medical Center where they'd taken April. She was just out of surgery and wouldn't be awake until the next day, but they assured me she was going to be fine, so I went to my apartment, overlooking downtown Denver and showered.
During the night I thought of how April and I were similar. Both of us are quite attractive, yet, for our own reasons couldn't find a mate. She, because she believed all men are liars and cheats, and me because of how I am treated by women when they discover my little penis. Both of us found ourselves on the horns of a dilemma, and the situation didn't seem that it would resolve itself in either of our lives. I wondered, "Maybe this time".
"Probably not" and I rolled over and dozed fitfully.
Since I was the road construction project's main engineer, I had responsibility for many aspects of the project, including employee safety. I walked into the hospital room of April Blake at 7:30 the next morning and Governor Tancredo was comforting April, holding her hand and speaking softly to her. She was in sort of a drugged daze, but I saw her look at me and a look of recognition swept across her face.
The Governor turned to look at what she had noticed and saw me. I nodded and he asked, "Are you her family?"
I told him, "Tom Teeter, Governor. I'm the project engineer on the I-70 project from Silverthorne to Vail, it's a pleasure to meet you, and how is our girl?"
"Oh, she's not too alert yet this morning, but she will be ok. How could this happen, Tom? Don't we have policies in place to protect these workers?"
"No, it's not his fault. You leave him alone!" cried April from her fog. She had heard the governor's accusing tone and words. "This was my fault for standing to close to traffic."
"Interesting" said the Governor and then patted her hand and left the room, brushing by me as he walked by.
"April, how are you, are you in a lot of pain, sweetie?" I asked as I stepped to her side.
"Tom, the governor told me he was going to investigate this and hold the boss of this project accountable" she slurred. "Then you walked in".
"It's ok, don't fret. You just concentrate on feeling better, April; don't you have any family here? Can I call someone for you?"
"No, my folks are gone and I had no brothers or sisters. You already know I don't have a husband or boyfriend."
In the next few days I was April's only visitor. She was going to be released, but the doctor's wanted her to have after-care. She was in a full cast from her hips to her foot on her left side and would need care.
I talked to April about this and she didn't know what she would do. I thought about it and offered to have her come to my place. I could let her have my bed and I'd take the couch and be able to take care of her until she could get around on her own. It would only be 6 weeks or so, but she'd need care every day. Not necessarily around the clock but she couldn't cook for or clean herself and she was bed bound for the time being.
There didn't seem to be any other alternatives. She had little money, and because of her admission to the governor that it was her fault, the state had notified her that worker's comp was not an option that she could use to pay for rehabilitation. They'd hold her job, and pay her basic medical bills, but she was on her own as far as after care.
So, I took her home. The ambulance transported her and brought her into my apartment on the gurney, but all I had were doctor's instructions and prescription meds. The rest was up to April and me to improvise.
There is no way to improvise when someone has to shit. When she has to pee, she just can't get up and go. I had to be involved. So, I put the pan under her, pulled it out when she was done, wiped her butt, patted her pussy dry and bathed her beautiful body. I cooked and tended to her when I was home at night and on the weekends.
During the week days, I hired my retired neighbor woman, Myrtle McComb, to come in and sit with April. I paid her $60 per day and she was so glad to get it. She would come over at 7 am and stay until I got home, usually around 6. I paid in cash and she didn't have to report it on her social security. All she had to do was help April use the toilet, in bed, clean her when she did and cook a little lunch. The rest of the time, just spend with April. She was so lonely that she was delighted to be there, and earning a whole $60 too. It was good for her. It was good for April, and it helped me and I could easily afford it.
Of course, April was torn between embarrassed and humiliated; and grateful beyond words. She was in a tough spot and all we could do was just put our time in and get through it.
I became familiar with April; all of April. I learned about her past, her life's heartbreaks, and her anger with men, her running to Denver from Council Bluffs, Iowa to get away from all the wolves after her folks passed away.
I also learned her body. I washed her 3 feet long hair, dried and brushed it for her, gave her massages so she wouldn't get bed sores, washed her armpits, her breasts, her belly and beneath the cast as far as I could reach, washed her right leg, her ass and her pussy. The girl was pretty much helpless most of the time. Added to that, April was on pretty heavy doses of pain meds, so she was toasted most of the time, also.
As the days passed she became a little more relaxed around me. Her embarrassment faded some and she just let me do my job of cleaning and tending to her, though she always expressed her thanks and gratitude. On day 8, I noticed April was lubricated when I was about to wash around her pussy. Because of the cast, she couldn't bend at the waist and service herself at all, and her arms weren't long enough to reach past the cast to touch herself there.
I took note of her lubrication and when I touched her pussy to wash it, I realized that her labia were engorged, her clitoris stood out and moisture leaked from her opening, running down between the cheeks of her ass and onto the sheets of my bed. Her aroma of arousal was highly charged with eroticism for me.
I looked up and she had put her hands over her nipples and was pulling and twisting at them, sucking in deep breaths and moaning slightly.
I asked, "April would you like a little relief?"
"Oh, Tom; I am so sorry to ask, but yes, please. I just cannot help myself. You have done it all, would you mind just helping me with this until I can do it on my own? I've been self-reliant for so long, and now, I'm helpless."
"Sure" was all I said. I lay the washcloth aside and touched her pubic mound with the palm of my hand, laying it all at once over her entire Mons.
She groaned loudly and ground herself into the center of my hand, into my palm. I pushed and could feel the hard little nub of her clit. I moved my hand around in circles and up and down. She was soaking but the liquid could not escape because my hand had created a seal and her moisture built and built as I continued to apply steady pressure to her and circle slowly. What she could do to help was move slightly and she ground into me.
April came with a violent shout and spasm. When she did, she immediately cried out in pain as the convulsion put a pressure on her broken thigh bone. Her orgasm ended as quickly as it began, because of the intensity of her pain in her leg. She cried so hard.
My heart really went out to April. This girl was in a bind. I could see she was a real trooper and was in an impossible place. No sexual relief, terribly embarrassed about her very bodily functions and not able to get relief. She was a trooper, but at this moment, she was beaten. As the intensity of her orgasm and the pain subsided, she drifted off from her sobs into a drugged slumber.
It reminded me of me. I was in an impossible place, too. I was falling in love with her. She, a willow fox and me a small dicked wonder boy. I left her and went into the bathroom and masturbated. I did not soften after I came, and my arousal was so very heightened, so I masturbated some more, and after 15 minutes I came again. Then, I wept alone in the bathroom.
The dark night was thick and I heard April from the bedroom, "Tom, could you help me please? Tom?"
I woke from my sleep, ran from my bedroll on the couch to the bedroom and landed on my knees at her bedside.
"What's wrong, April? Are you in pain? What is happening?"
"I need to use the toilet. I am so sorry, Tom. I hate to wake you but I cannot wait."
"It's ok, April ... here raise your leg up." as I slid the basin beneath her luscious behind.
She peed and it dribbled down her body into the basin. I could smell her previous arousal strongly in the room and now that smell mixed with the odor of urine. She farted as she peed and apologized, so embarrassed. Her dignity was totally spent. But, I was falling in love. Finally I met someone who was being every bit as abased as I had been all my life and I did not find her predicament funny, I empathized and covered for her trying with all I knew to build her up and not let her crumble in despair.
There was no doubt; she deeply appreciated my gentleness, in spite of her humiliation. Constantly, she expressed her sorrow for my need for longsuffering in her behalf. It endeared me to her even more, though I could really say nothing to her about it. She and I both were relegated to our private thoughts. They were all the privacy she really had, and for me, my private thoughts were a prison.
At the end of the second week in my apartment, April had an appointment back at Swedish Medical Center for a follow-up, and possibly to change her cast. The ambulance came in and picked her up and I followed in my pickup.
They removed the cast and washed her all over, letting her scratch and they applied lotion to her unreachable skin. Then, they put another full cast on her, saying it would be two more weeks like it had been. Then, in two weeks they probably would just put a full leg cast on, from her crotch to her ankle. But, for now, we had two more weeks of the same old same old. She was not overjoyed. I, secretly, was delighted.
She still had all the pain meds she wanted, but her pain was becoming less of an issue and she actually used less of them than they had prescribed. We got her home and settled. Myrtle had changed the sheets and she even turned the mattress while we were gone. That woman was remarkable. She had opened the windows and aired the place out. The air in the apartment was so fresh and nice when we got back.
Though April was depressed about two more weeks in the full cast, Myrtle had really gone above the call of duty and it made things a little better for us all. April was so grateful. Like I said, I was delighted.
After April had been back from the 2 week appointment about 4 days, I noticed that her pussy was very lubricated and swollen again on a Saturday, when I got up and went in to help her use the toilet and bathe. I was just in spandex jogging shorts and nothing else, so my chest and legs were visible to her as well as my butt was tightly encased in the shorts I wore. I guess she was perving a bit on me and when I patted her dry after she pee'd I could smell her arousal and see the moisture leaking.
I asked, "oh, aren't you done peeing April?"
"Oh, yes, I am finished. I am just so aroused this morning Tom. Would you mind helping me relieve myself again please?"
"Ok, I will if you are sure you won't hurt yourself again."
"This time, don't tease me, please rub me good and hard. Put your fingers inside me, this time. I won't let myself jerk like that again." April moaned.
I slipped a finger up and down her soaked slit and when I touched her clit, it was like an electric shock to her. She jerked a little and began twisting her nipples, this time she had put her hands underneath her shirt. She was humping and moaning and leaking like a sieve.
I put two fingers in her pussy and with my other hand I circled around and then directly onto her clit. She came quickly, within 2 or 3 minutes. She was careful not to lose control and did not let herself convulse.
"Oh, that was nice. Please, don't stop." She begged
I thrust in and out of her and continued playing with her clit. With the two fingers inside her, I used my index finger and curled it inside her in a 'come here' type of motion. I continued wagging it back and forth inside her and after two minutes or so, she screamed, in the throes of a simultaneous clitoral and g-spot orgasm. She squirted vaginal fluid all over my hand, wrist and arm to my elbow, soaking her sheets and covers.
Slowly, I withdrew my fingers. I was laying between her legs in a puddle of her juices and it was uncomfortable. Add to that, I was randy as a Billy goat and so I got up on the pretense of getting clean sheets and blankets. I went into the bathroom and pounded my little cock raw.
When I came out, April said, "Tom, I want to help you too. I know what you were doing; why not let me suck on it for you?"
"It's ok, April" I said very sadly. "I don't expect that from you. I can help myself and you can't help yourself."
"No, Tom. It isn't right. You more than deserve anything I can do to help you back. I want to. Please, come over here and let me suck on your cock."
I was in a jam. My back was against a wall. Everything that had happened with April, for me, hinged on this moment. If she recoiled in shock at my small cock, I'd melt. Everything, all my self-esteem was on the line at this moment. She, laying there helpless in my bed had absolute sway over me. Just her slightest hesitation, the hint of an evil, make fun of me grin, any negative response on her face, I was gauged to read and stand rejected and dejected.
"I am so embarrassed, April. My cock is very small and most women have ridiculed me when they have seen it." I confessed.
"It'll be no problem, Tom. Don't you worry. You have helped me through the most embarrassing things I could ever have imagined and this size issue is no mountain with me, it is only one with you. Come here, baby. Let mama make it all better."
"Gosh, hope. I've fallen into the well of hope. Maybe I had earned a chance at acceptance. Maybe, finally I can live a normal life with someone who loves me in spite of my shortcomings." I wished silently to myself. Don't laugh at the shortcomings thing. I was serious.
I walked to the head of the bed and she reached out and caressed the outside of my shorts. She blinked when the discovery that 'not too much is in there' became reality to her. But, she didn't laugh or mock me.
"She's just dealing with it. Give her a moment." I thought.
She reached her hand to the waistband of my jogging shorts and pulled the front of it down, to expose my fully erect, engorged and raging 2 ½ inch manhood. She asked me to help get my shorts off and she caressed it with such tenderness and care.
I nearly wept as she pulled it into her mouth, all of it and suckled it like I might her nipple.
I exploded into her mouth and the seminal fluid came squirting out of her mouth. She coughed and sputtered at the huge amount of semen that I released. It must have gotten up her sinuses because her eyes were watering and I could see a little dribble of white coming out of her nose. Well, I had shot pretty hard when I came; she probably wasn't ready for that.
I waited for some sign of her rejection; some anger at my copious volume released into her mouth. But none came. She actually seemed very happy that she could do something for me, and I loved that she was so kind about it.
We talked about my small penis and for the first time in my life, I felt accepted. She said, "It doesn't bother me. Don't worry about it. I enjoy playing with it very much and you sure enjoy it, so that is all that matters."
She also said, "You are so good with your fingers and hands, I am not being shorted a bit here."
I blinked at her when she said that, but she never let out that she was making fun of me. I thought, "Maybe she didn't even realize what she had said."
April and I got through her being laid up. I lost my virginity to her after her full cast was off and just her leg cast was on. She was kind and patient and loving, everything I could want, and more. I was able to please her with my hands and fingers. She taught me how to orally please her and she was a wild woman when I finally got my lesson right. She nearly broke my neck bucking and pitching.
One time, when she came with my mouth on her pussy, she squeezed my head between her good leg and her cast and nearly cracked my skull. I had a sore neck so bad that I had to go to the chiropractor.
She did laugh about that. I just kind of smiled wanly.
Finally, April was out of her cast and on her feet. It took her a while to gain her strength and recoup her tone and stamina. But, she worked at it and was back to 100% in about 6 months.
April and I were married by Colorado's new Governor, Nancy Markey. Our marriage was the Governor's first official act and we were privileged to have her perform our ceremony.
My salary was creeping up, and we bought a house in the suburb of Arvada. We lived close to the foothills and I thought life was about as good as it could possibly be.
April was so pretty. All the men continued to harass her. Everywhere she went; men fell over themselves to look at her, to talk to her. They'd find an excuse to hold a door or offer any little tidbit of help; all for a nod from her, some recognition.
We'd been married 3 years. We made love often. She seemed to love to take my cock into her mouth and suck hard on it and make me squirt. She'd learned to keep it out of her sinuses and loved getting me off that way. Vaginal sex really didn't seem to be her thing, though she loved my mouth and my fingers.
I thought we were doing great. We weren't.
April was sneaking around on me. She'd finally succumbed to the advances of another man.
April had found another job in a Coors Beer warehouse as the Payroll and accounts Payable clerk. One of the drivers had the reputation of having a 'donkey dick'. I guess April's thoughts of a lifetime of almost no dick inside her, ever, were more than she could take and she went for the gold.
'Donkey dick', Reed Rathboth, had had a lifetime of female conquests and April was the winning prize of them all. She, by far, had to be the most gorgeous creature he had ever bedded and when he got her, she fell for his huge cock harder than anything she had ever had happen. She was in a daze. All she could think about was that cock.
April never really said anything to me, she just mentally checked out. She was there, in our home, in my bed, occasionally having some meaningless little sex with me, but she was not present in mind or even, really, in body. She stopped having orgasms with me.
I increased my tempo, licking and sucking and manipulating with my hands and fingers to no real avail. She was unmoved. She did not complain, she did not deny me my husbandly due, she just wasn't impressed. I had lost her and never even had a clue how.
I was friends with a Colorado State Trooper who appreciated my efforts to improve the state highway system, making it safer for motorists. His lifetime goal was to reduce Colorado highway fatalities and my job was to create safer roads. So we hit it off and found we had a lot in common.
I saw James Carville, the trooper, one afternoon and he said, "Brother, you are one glum dude. What is up with you?"
"James, something is wrong in my marriage. My wife has just checked out. I have no idea what is up. We don't talk, we don't fight, we still have sex, but she had changed so thoroughly it is like I never even knew this woman. I am stumped." I opined.
"Maybe she is sick, Tom. Maybe you need to get her in to see a doc and run some tests." He offered.
"You know, that is a great idea. I never thought of that. Thanks, James." I replied.
"Honey, I want us to go in and get physicals. I want to make sure we are doing ok. After 3 years they can examine your leg and we can just see that our bodies are hitting on all cylinders. Never hurts to keep up with things in this day and age." I offered to April that night.
"Why? Nothing is wrong with me. Are you ill? Something wrong with you?" she asked.
"No, I just want to make sure. It is called preventative maintenance. Let's go for a checkup and just get physicals together. It will be good." I said.
"I don't see why, but go ahead and schedule them if you want." She said.
I did schedule them. She had gonorrhea. I'd never been with another woman. She was a cheat. I had gonorrhea in my mouth, I was cautioned that it could lead to tongue cancer or throat cancer from this, depending on if she had HPV, which they were still running that test.
"So, who are you fucking?" I threw the papers on the kitchen table.
She looked at them. "Oh, my ... Tom, I'm sorry."
"What's up April? I thought you were the little miss 'tired of being pursued by every man on earth'. Somebody broke through. How and when and where and most of all WHY?"
"Tom, you are just so small. I need more than your fingers and your tongue. I need my itch scratched. You are too small to ever satisfy me. He is a donkey dick you are a baby dick" She laughed at that. She had made a joke and laughed at her own joke.
I fell into a pit of despair. The old familiar ring of hopelessness surrounded me, swamped me. I fell silent, left the house and here I am after divorcing the one woman I have ever loved. I had exposed myself, like she was exposed.
I was humiliated. When she had been humiliated I covered her shame with gentleness, care and compassion. She exposed mine. During the divorce my lawyer drew her out. She had told all the men at the Coors warehouse how small I am. Her lover and she regularly made fun of me, laughing and crushing me.
Her disdain for me showed itself during the divorce. She sneered at me in court and made fun of my itty bitty teeny weeny weenie. The whole courtroom erupted in laughter. My humiliation was total. She got very little of my rapidly accumulating wealth, thanks to my very proficient lawyer, who explained our relationship to the judge from start to end. He did believe I had greatly helped her, probably saved her from a horrible experience when her leg was broken. He witnessed, for himself, her courtroom behavior and her unnecessary contempt for me ... She got her own IRA and $30,000, ten thousand for each year of our marriage. I had to buy her half of the house, since she couldn't buy my half, and she got her car and personal effects. I kept the apartment downtown and the house, after I paid her half of the house. There was no alimony and the break was clean after court that day.
Clean, except one thing was intact ... my low self-esteem and, eventually, my rage.
How does love, deep personal and pure and wholesome love turn into a rage? I think it happens because it is one sided, and based on unequal need. One person needs more than the other and eventually it weighs down the relationship, and eventually capsizes it.
I believe that is what happened to April and me. My need to be accepted was greater than her need to be left alone from the wolves. I think her "need" to be aloof from men, was a game she was playing within herself. In reality, she knew she was going to get the pick of whatever litter she decided to take, and was just playing a game in her own mind, "who will it be, who will it be."
Somewhere I came along and awakened her sexuality. But, I never satisfied her sexually and so she ended settling for a dumb fucker with a huge cock. If I had it right, she'd soon find she made a mistake.
Her mistake was based on the fact that we were friends before we were lovers. When she, as part of the friendship had a need after breaking her leg, I met her need with no preconditions, no expectations. Just doing what friends do for one another?
Then, it turned sexual. She awoke from a hormone frozen existence and fell off the deep end, into wholesale arousal. My guess, she will be crawling back. Yes, once she finds that all he has in her lover is a cock and no brain, she will find that what we had was love. She will not find that, because other men will repress whatever else she is or could be, because of her beauty and I always cultivated her talents and her capacity to love, and I loved her unconditionally, sex or no sex. Her beauty was a benefit to me, but I loved her heart and her spirit long before I lusted after her beauty.
"Tom, it's me, April."
"Yeah, how you been?"
"Living the dream, April. You know me".
"Tom, I do know you. I know you aren't living a dream. You must be in a nightmare."
"Tom, I've come to my senses. I fucked up. I fucked you up and I fucked me up. Tom, I love you. Forgive me. Take me back. Please, I lost my mind, I lost my soul. I 've lost my one true friend and I hate my life."
"Hmm. What's at stake here for me, do you think? Oh, sanity, that's right. I keep forgetting."
"Tom, honey, you need me I know you do. Tom, I need you every bit as bad, believe me I see that now."
"I don't know April. You pretty well emasculated my 'huge' male ego. Didn't leave me anywhere to go. I might decide to hurt you now. Where did you say you are?"
"Life is pointless without your love, Tom. How hard it has been for me to realize that. How completely do I realize it and acknowledge it. Your heart more than compensates for anything that you think relegates you to second place. It has taken a hard lesson for me to see that. Tom, you are the largest, biggest, best man I've ever met. And, I totally fucked with that; I totally, totally disrespected you. Is there any glimmer in your heart left for me?"
"I wish you were helpless in my bed right now, like you were 4 years ago. Knowing what I know now, I'd destroy you. You may know my weaknesses, but I know yours, too. I'd rape your ass. Since I can't do it with a sizeable cock, I'd fashion me a large handle with hand grips and burrs on the end. I'd get you helpless in my bed and when I finish, dear April, you'd be like me, ruined."
"Oh, Tom. I'm so sorry for what I've done."
"Ya? You are? Sorry is too little and too late. I do NOT forgive you. I do NOT want you back. I am a danger to you; do NOT suddenly appear to me, you won't survive it."
"That is the very last nice thing I will ever do for you. You are dead to me. If I have to actually do that I will. You must have been the hope of joy to your father, yet you became the desolation of destruction to your best friend."
She heard the dial tone, nothing more.
The lovely April Blake/Teeter: At 29 years old; unfit in all ways. Her life ruined by foolishness. Her sense of fulfillment was but a distant and fading memory. For her Joy, unattainable, peace not available, love not knowable.
"Perhaps, it would be best if I just ended it here." "I hurt him, the one I love, so bad. He won't recover, and why should he; I betrayed his precious gift of trust and faithfulness. How could he recover and why should he even if he could?" "Indeed, why should I ever recover?"
April wandered downtown, in Denver. She had no place she wanted to go, just downtown. Some street preacher was saying, "Come unto me, you who are heavily laden and burdened and I will give you rest, the Lord said."
She stopped and listened to him for a bit. He looked at her. "Young woman, what troubles you so?" he asked.
"Sir, why would you bother me, I am just standing here listening. Leave me be." April replied.
"Have you a place to stay? Have you eaten? Are you in trouble?" he asked.
I do have a place to stay, I am not hungry and I am in desperate trouble, if you must know." She replied.
"There are answers for your troubles young lady. There is a place of spiritual rest for your obvious weariness too. There is joy and peace for your unhappy sorrow."
"Oh, why don't you shut the fuck up!" April yelled. And she walked hurriedly away.
"I'll pray for you, daughter" Bill Wilkerson cried after her. "Come back any time."
"Lord, I pray for that repentant housewife. She, like we have all done to You, has gone astray and seeks her acceptance back into his loving arms. Father, soothe thatwoman's husband with the balm of Gilead over his soul and bring him to the knowledge of your love, your mercy and your forgiveness." Bill entreated.
April cried all the way to her car and drove home crying and crying. She fell into her bed, numb. Into her pillow, she said, "God, if you are real, would you please look down on me and make yourself known to me. I have done my husband wrong and it didn't start there, I've done folks wrong all my life. It's time to stop this cycle of self-destruction, and destruction of others, especially the one I love the most, and I need you to lead me and direct me, please. In Jesus' name, Amen." She was asleep with her next breath.
Tom lay the night shaking and quivering on the bathroom floor in his apartment in Downtown Denver. He'd kept the apartment when they'd gotten married, even though they bought that house in Arvada. Tom Teeter had had a stroke at 29 years old.
Myrtle used her key and let herself in to Tom's apartment to sneak around and see what he had in is apartment the next morning. She figured he'd gone to work by then and she liked to go in there and snoop through his things. He'd given her a key when she was helping take care of that April and she had never given it back to him.
"My God, Tom, what has happened, are you all right?" Myrtle was startled when she saw him lying on the bathroom floor.
Tom mumbled but made no sense. Something was obviously wrong. She saw that he had both shit and pissed himself. Myrtle dialed 911 and Tom was taken to University Hospital.
"Promising young State Road Engineer Found clinging to life in His downtown apartment" read the headlines of the following morning's Denver Post. Tom's file photo was beside the article, it was the lead story, top half, and front page.
April's boss called her into his office and asked if she'd seen this morning's headline, tossing the paper across his desk. With horror she recognized her ex-husband's face and the headline. She ravenously read the article.
"Mr. White, can I please have the day off. I need to go to the hospital and see after Tom?" she pleaded with shaking hands and pale face. Tears streaming already down her cheeks.