Chapter 9: Usually, You Have to Die First

"Usually you have to be dead before you start haunting people, but then, I guess I've been dead to you for at least two years."

She was standing beside me looking out into the darkness of early morning New York.

"Your face is the first thing I see when I wake in the morning and it's the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night. For two years! Every day! Every night! Drunk or sober, I can't get you out of my head. I thought after I left Richard that maybe fucking other guys would do it, so I tried, but it's like you're a monster from some horror movie. You keep coming back."

"None of this is my fault."

"I know, that's what makes it so bad. If only you had cheated on me first. I'd still feel like shit, but ... no, not you, Hugh. You've been a straight arrow for 36 years. I was the one who became a slut and betrayed everything I ever believed in, everything I ever cherished."

I didn't say anything.

"You could at least argue with me."

"When you're right, you're right."

"Lest you get too self righteous, Elaine cried when she came to my office to ask me to give you up. She really cared for you."

I wouldn't look at her.

"It wasn't the same."

"You sent her sexy emails and flowers and made out with her in your Mercedes in her apartment complex parking lot. She told me she let you suck on her breasts and finger her to a climax. You let her suck you but, when you got close, you pushed her away and said you had to go. Then you called her the next day and told her you had to go away for business. That was the trip you made to Atlanta that weekend.

"When you came back, you kept avoiding her and finally told her over the phone that you'd made a mistake and you couldn't go any further. You broke that poor girl's heart. Did you know that? She really cared for you. But you didn't have the balls to do what you got her set up for, did you?"

"No, I guess I didn't."

I watched her features shimmer in the moonlight on the glass. I had gone two years without a word from her, and now we were talking like two bitter exes. It was hard to believe.

"I knew I was hurting her but ... I didn't have the ... I don't know. I couldn't do it. I wanted to but I couldn't. I kept seeing your face in my mind when you found out, like I knew you would. And... !"

"And?"

"I knew it would be like eating one Lays Potato Chip. I know you remember that commercial. I knew if I did it one time, that first time ... if I came in her mouth, if I pounded into that hot, very tight young pussy of hers, I'd never be able to make myself not do it a second time. Then I'd be lost, I'd lose you."

I couldn't resist, even though I knew it was unfair since I knew now that she knew.

"So, I gave up that hot sweet young ass for you, and guess what ... I lost you anyway."

"She came to me to ask me to give you up. She thought if I'd give you a divorce you'd give in to your burning love for her. She was already planning on two children and a home in Baymeadows. When I told her you were just going through your typical male midlife crisis, that's when she started crying, and she really started bawling when I told her about that blonde waitress from Hooters that you'd been seeing before her."

I turned from the images in the glass to look down at her. She was nearly 60, but she could have passed for mid 40s. How did she do it?

"But I didn't fuck her, or the blonde from Hooters, or the Ad exec from Channel 4 that I went out with three times when you were away. I didn't fuck any of them. I was wrong and I was stupid and I owe you apologies for every time I did something that a husband shouldn't do, but I never fucked any of them. I never crossed that line. I wanted to, but I could never make myself, because I loved you, and I wasn't willing to lose you, to lose us."

"And I was! I was the bad one. I threw everything away. I know it."

We stood in silence together. Finally she sighed.

"I'm glad you tracked me down to that bathroom. It was so exhausting hiding from you."

"Why, why hide? We got divorced, it happens. You cheated on me. It hurt but a lot of women do that and a lot of men. Why the disappearing act?"

"I couldn't stand the thought of what it would be like to face you again. I kept seeing the look on your face, when I told you – about him. I felt like I wanted to turn into ash and blow away. I never wanted to see that look in your eyes again. There was nothing I could do to make it better. I couldn't ask you to forgive me, I couldn't forgive myself. I just wanted to pretend that you had ceased to exist."

"You did a good job."

Another silence.

"Do you think she'll be alright?"

"I don't know. Wallinsky is supposed to be very good and, like he said, she's a fighter. I have to believe she'll pull through."

"She's your daughter, Hugh. I believe she will."

We stared back out at the lights of the city that never went out. She wrapped her arms around herself as if she were cold.

"You know what I hate the most, I mean, besides the fact that we're here and she is in that hospital bed?"

"No, I don't know you anymore, Mary. I can't read you anymore."

"Any other couple, no matter how much they might have hurt each other, no matter how bitter their divorce, they could still hold each other. They could wrap their arms around each other and be strong for each other, but I know you couldn't stand my touch, and I couldn't stand the look on your face if I tried to touch you."

When I didn't say anything she lowered her hands to her side and stepped back and away from the window.

"At least now we won't have to slip around each other. We can be here for her. Even if you never get over hating me, at least we can be together for her and I can face you."

She walked toward the hallway that led to their bedroom. I'd already put my things in the guest bedroom.

"I'll sleep in their bedroom tonight. I'll see you in a few hours. Goodnight, Hugh."

She stopped before she entered the hallway.

"'Goodnight', that sounds so funny, so strange, after two years. I never thought I'd say it again."

There was a wistful tone in her voice, but I knew that had to be wishful thinking on my part.

Wallinsky's crew pulled in the next day, as did Peter and his family.

When Peter and Marlena walked in, having dropped Austin off with Simon's mother, and saw Mary and me both in the waiting room, they just stared at us for a moment. I shook my head and they didn't ask any questions.

About 3 p.m., I stepped out for a bite to eat and to get some fresh air.

Peter walked out after me.

"You aren't going to tell me what's going on?"

"There's not much to tell. Your mother and I, we had a talk! She's not hiding any more."

"And?"

"And nothing. Nothing else has changed, Peter, except that we can be in the same room at the same time, but that's enough."

It really was enough! We didn't talk much, but we could talk. Once in a while I'd look over at her and she'd be bent over talking to Peter or Simon and I could make out the swell of that ass in a dress or jeans, or the curve of her breast through her blouse, or the graceful curve of her neck under the thick, chestnut-brown hair that seemed as rich as it had when she was 23.

For a second I could forget and feel the tightening in my crotch as I remembered the feel of her skin under my hands. Somehow, with that ESP that long-married couples develop, she would look up. I'd see it in her eyes, that look she'd given me long ago when she told me about spending all those nights with Richard Kelly. Somehow she'd sense it, see it in my eyes, and drop her gaze.

So we moved around each other carefully, but Nicole improved every hour. On the third day she opened her eyes and recognized the people around her bed in her private room - in a section where there were no private beds, until Gail had asked for one.

She looked at her mother and me, standing together in front of her. We didn't touch, but we stood together.

The left side of her face was swathed in bandages from her scalp to her chin. They had shaved all the hair off her head, but I had never seen anything more beautiful when she opened her eyes and tried to smile.