Chapter 4: I begin to figure it out

There's times when I swear I need to be hit upside the head with a two-by-four to see something that's right in front of my face. I'd been taking this meeting Karen, and the threesome, and Jerry and Bonnie situations just like they were a natural occurrence and a whole pile of good luck. I suppose if they'd all happened the same day, or even the same week, I might have been suspicious, but maybe not. Like I say, sometimes I'm not so quick on the uptake.

Anyway, I was leaving work one Tuesday afternoon when I heard a nice female voice call my name. I turned and saw it was Marlene Woloski, and she was standing in front of her car with the hood up. Naturally, I walked over to see what the problem was.

"Hey there, Marlene. What's the trouble?"

"It won't start, Carl. It just sets there and clicks, but it won't start."

Well, right away I kind of figured the battery had gone dead, so I said, "You just wait here, Marlene. I'll get my truck and bring it over. I've got some jumper cables and we'll see if I can get you started with them."

She was happy I was willing to help and waited by her car until I got back with the truck. I hooked up the cables and she got in her car and sure enough, it started first thing. She jumped out with a big smile.

"Oh, thank you so much, Carl. What should I do now?"

"Well, let's just let your car run for a few minutes," I said, disconnecting the cables, "and let the battery get charged up. Then you go over to The Battery Shop on Crescent Drive and they'll tell you quick enough if you need a new one."

"Oh thank you Carl," she said, taking my hand and holding it. She looked up at me and all of a sudden, I could see that look that I saw in Bonnie and Karen's eyes. I suddenly felt kind of funny, but not bad if you know what I mean. She was just staring at me and still holding my hand.

"Carl?" she said after a bit, "How come you've never asked me out on a date?"

Well, I wasn't ready for that question so I had to think fast.

"Uhhm, well ... uh ... Marlene, you were going out with Freddie Davidson and I've been seeing someone too. I'm a one woman man, so I don't mess with someone else's girl."

"I'd dump Freddie in a heartbeat if you asked me out," she said, just like that.

"Well ... uh ... Marlene, that's sure flattering, but like I said, I have a girlfriend and we're kind of serious about each other."

"Oh ... okay then," she said, looking sad. "But if you ever are looking for a date, come see me first, please." She was damn near begging, and I couldn't see why. She was very good looking and Freddie was a good guy with a nice job in the office.

"Yeah ... sure ... I can do that."

Now I suppose that most people would think that it was just an innocent conversation between two people who knew each other. Well, most people would be wrong. First of all, Marlene worked in the office, and I knew her name because I knew Freddie and he was forever bragging about his girl. I'd hardly said much more than hello to her up until that afternoon.

In the second place, Marlene was known to be very shy and uncomfortable around the guys when Freddie wasn't there. In fact, when I came over to help her, she looked downright nervous about me being there. So, it was a shock when she got all friendly-like when she held my hand.

So, that got me to thinking ... finally. What the hell was going on? First Karen, then Bonnie, now Marlene? And come to think of it, there'd been a couple of other cases where I thought some women acted a bit funny. Like at the grocery store when the girl at the checkout handed me my change and my bag and our hands touched, she looked up and I saw something in her eyes. And the waitress at the diner where I had dinner the other night. She got all gushy when she put her hand over mine when she brought the bill.

I had a magic touch, it seemed. Except, it only happened recently and only after work. I sat and thought about that for a while before it came to me. All this happened after I'd started using the new hand cleaner. And I kind of thought it might be the odor it gave off just as much as how soft my hands were. Some of those women hardly touched my hands.

Loving Hands, eh! Well, maybe that name meant more than I thought. Maybe there was something in that goop that was causing women to get all friendly like. Tomorrow, I was going to do a little investigating.

Over the next couple of days, I carefully talked to a bunch of the guys who were using the goop to clean up after work. Every one of them said the same thing. Their love lives had picked up 500 percent, and they were enjoying the benefits. I asked them if they knew why, and none of them connected the goop to the change. I guess I wasn't the only slow thinker in the bunch.

Then I did something to test my suspicions a little further. I asked a couple of the guys in the scheduling office how their love life was and got a shrug. No difference as far as I could tell. Like Freddie, they didn't work on the shop floor and never got their hands dirty. They were office staff. I was pretty sure now just what was causing the change in the way women were acting around us men.

I thought I would go visit Mr. Merlin Wiseman and have a talk with him. I mean, if I was right, this man was sitting on a pot of gold, whether he knew it or not. I was thinking I might want to become a distributor for him. Hell, one test of this cleaner by any guy and they'd be lined up to buy more. It would be the easiest "sell" you could ever find.

I remembered I'd given Wiseman's card to Karen, so during my nightly call to her, I asked her if she'd given it to her uncle.

"Yes, I did. Funny you should ask. He wants to get a big jar of it. Says it works wonders on his hands and that's translated into more fun in the bedroom, if you get what I mean."

"Yeah," I laughed. "I think I know what you mean. I'll look after that for you, but I gave you the card with his phone number on it. He's not listed in the phone book. Can you phone your uncle for me and get that number. In the meantime, I've got a big jar here that I haven't opened yet. I'll get that to you for him."

"Oh, sure, Carl. I'll call him right away and let him know I'll have a jar for him on the weekend. That okay?"

"You bet, girl. In fact, we can deliver it to him on Saturday if you'd like."

"That's really nice of you, Carl. He'll be very pleased, I'm sure."

Karen called me back in a few minutes and gave me the phone number for Merlin Wiseman. I called him right away.

"Mr. Wiseman, it's Carl McCormick calling. I wonder if I might come out and see you about a business deal I have in mind. It's about that hand cleaner you have, Loving Hands."

"I suppose so, Mr. McCormick. I rather wondered when someone would want to talk to me about it."

He gave me directions to his place and we agreed Wednesday evening at seven-thirty. I was thinking about all the opportunities there were for his product and I could see myself getting pretty damn rich if I played my cards right.

As you can imagine, I had that on my mind most of the day as I worked at the shop. I stamped my time card right on five o'clock and headed for the Airstream. I'd brought it to work today to save time and get to Wiseman's place right on the dot at seven-thirty. I cleaned up, changed clothes, and made myself a heat-and-serve dinner before loading up the GPS with Wiseman's address and heading off to meet with him.

He lived a little farther out of town than I realized and it was a good thing I gave myself plenty of time to get there. As it was, I was about five minutes late when I rolled up the driveway to this big ranch-style house that had a couple of big barn-like buildings behind it. There was a new, shiny pickup truck along side the house and I could see a late model Cadillac sitting in front of one of the barns. Looks like Wiseman was doing okay.

I rang the door bell and I didn't have to wait more than ten seconds before it opened and there stood a woman, the likes of which I had never seen before. She was near enough six foot tall like me, and a cross between Pamela Anderson and Uma Thurman. She had this white gold hair and a big smile with perfect teeth and a body that should be declared a national treasure.

"Good evening, Mr. McCormick," she said flashing that magic smile. "My husband is expecting you. I'm Felicity. Please come in."

Husband? Holy shit! That stuff must really work wonders. My recollection of Wiseman was a guy in his sixties, short, a bit tubby, bald except for a white fringe around his head. And this was his wife? HOLY SHIT!

She led me into the house and I could see that it was some kind of fancy. Very modern and really nicely decorated, but not overdone if you get what I mean. Wiseman was sitting at what I guessed was the dining room table and he got up as I came toward him.

"Nice to see you again, Mr. McCormick," he said in a friendly way.

"Nice to see you too, sir. Most of my friends call me Carl," I offered.

"Thank you, Carl," he smiled. "You can call me Merlin if you like. And no ... I'm not a magician, despite what you may think."

"First off," I began, "I want to congratulate you on Loving Hands. It is far and away the finest hand cleaner I've ever encountered and I can tell you I might have tried them all."

"Thank you," the old man said modestly.

"However, I have discovered that your product has a side effect that I originally thought you might not be aware of."