Chapter 4

"Dad, why didn't you tell me all this before?" Jessica asked as she gently stroked Terence's hair.

"Don't you see?" Terence said weakly. "I was afraid if I told you about him, you would go to him. But if I didn't tell you, you wouldn't understand. I was trapped."

Jessica sat back. Terence wished he had the strength to get out of the hospital bed and hold her. Even though he was only in his fifties, he looked like a man in his seventies and in poor condition even for that. His hair had thinned and was yellowy white and grey. His skin was jaundiced and wrinkled. He had intravenous lines going into him and machines helping him survive.

Jessica, who was now eighteen and getting ready for her first year in college, was stunningly healthy and beautiful. Although her hair was naturally dark, she dyed it with a crimson color so it was a dark, almost black, red. This made her porcelain perfect white skin and her blue eyes stand out all the more. She had a flat, muscular stomach that made her large, round breasts stand out that much more.

It was her beauty that was the very problem.

"All I wanted to do was protect you from him," Terence said. "I know I did it wrong, but I always loved you and only wanted you to have a normal, happy life, without all the evil in my past."

"You didn't do anything wrong," Jessica said, looking into her lap. "I know you meant well. Thank you, for this."

Jessica was referring to the paper in her hand. It was a DNR, "Do Not Resuscitate", document, saying that if Terence's condition were to become life threatening, he did not want them to try and keep him alive with assistance from machines. It was a hard thing to discuss under any circumstances, but especially theirs. She had not spoken to Terence in years, since she was sixteen, when Terence and his wife, Margaret, separated.

The problem was that Terence did not have medical insurance of his own, he was reliant on his estranged wife. Her coverage was already strained to keep Terence in hospital, but if he had to be on the kind of care where he was alive indefinitely, it could bankrupt Margaret. That, in turn, meant that there would be no support for Jessica's college tuition.

When Jessica first came in the room, she was confrontational, saying that after all that had happened, the one good thing Terence could do for her was not take away her future by denying her an education. However, Terence didn't fight her, he signed the paper, saying he understood completely, and that he would gladly die if it meant that she could do well.

That attitude made Jessica less aggressive, and she sat down to talk.

Terence felt there was nothing to lose anymore, so he told Jessica everything. He told her about how Todd bullied him in high school, how Todd took his first wife Amy away, how he took away Angela, and how he took away Terence's second wife Lisa. He poured it all out, telling Jessica about all the cruel details, like each time Todd's cum landed on him, and how he had to drink a cup of Todd's cum while Todd laughed at him. Signing the paper reminded Terence of his mortality, and he felt that he had to confess everything, because if not his daughter, then who else in the world would hear his story?

The curtain around Terence's bed opened, and a nurse came in. Terence couldn't afford a private room, so he was in a shared room with four beds. There was no one else in the room that day, which happened sometimes as patients came and went. Still, Terence preferred the curtains around the bed to be closed, on the off chance another patient was wheeled in.

The nurse who came in wasn't very tall, and she was very curvy. She had large breasts and Hispanic features. She was very sexy, though she had a lack of make up that was appropriate to her job, and her hair tied back into a pony tail.

"I don't want you!" Terence said, as sternly as he could muster. The nurse looked confused. Jessica looked apologetic but said nothing.

"I'm sorry sir," she said, honestly confused. "Did I do something you upset you?"

"Don't act like you don't know you're good looking!" Terence said, as if that was an obvious cause for him to be upset. She looked appropriately confused by the statement. "I don't want a woman like you taking care of me. You're all whores and liars!"

"I'm sorry you feel that way," she said, with the firm but polite tone of someone who often deals with difficult people at her job, "but we can't change the shifts based on who a patient likes and doesn't like."

"I don't care!" Terence said. "Just stay away! You'll turn out to be one of his whores! Fuck off!"

"Sir, please calm down." The nurse clearly didn't understand his issue, beyond that for whatever reason, he didn't like attractive women.

"I'll calm down as soon as you leave!" Terence said. He tried to get up out of bed, though it was unclear even to him what he would do if he got up. Jessica got up and put her hands on Terence to encourage him to lie down and relax.

"Alright, sir, alright," she said. "I'll leave in just a moment."

Terence didn't answer, he just fell back into his pillow like a sulking child.

The nurse finished up checking on the medicine and then turned to leave.

"Whore," Terence muttered as she left. She paused for a moment, then just shook her head like he was crazy, and walked out, closing the curtains around his bed behind her.

"You're behaving like a crazy man," Jessica said.

"Can't you understand why," Terence said, "now that I've told you my story."

"I guess," Jessica said, "it's so extreme, it's hard to believe."

Terence broke down and cried. He told Jessica the rest of the story from after Lisa had left him, breaking up with Terence over the phone, laughing at how she tricked him into eating more of Todd's cum, and laughing about it while Todd fucked her.

Terence resolved that since he was on the verge of moving back to his previous lousy one room apartment, that he wouldn't be that much worse off in prison. He went out and got a gun. It cleared out his bank account, but he didn't care. He had to go through a waiting period, but it wasn't an impulsive act, it was a grim determination to kill Todd no matter what.

He had no criminal record or any legal problems, so in a couple of weeks he got a gun, a second hand gun made by an Austrian company which was recommended to him by the shop keeper.

Terence would take the bus out to near Todd's place after work and wait around and watch to try and get a sense of Todd's schedule and where he went, so that he would know when and how to shoot him.

Over the weeks while Terence got ready to shoot Todd, he stopped going to his church, and lost any previous friends he had. People weren't talking to Terence that much, except for polite civilities, so he wasn't too clear on what happened. However, from what he could guess, it seemed that before Lisa took off with Todd, she had spread rumors about Terence that made everyone suspicious of him.

Somehow, everyone came to see Terence as being responsible for Lisa leaving. They knew he had a sordid past where he was engaged in unspeakable acts, and they came to see this as being somehow the reason why Lisa left. It was never going to be a fair assessment. Lisa was beautiful, charming, and popular, and people only liked Terence as much as they liked her. When she left, the bottom fell out on his social standing.

Even the pastor was cold to Terence, forcing politeness out of duty. When Terence went to the pastor to ask what he could do to try and earn some credibility in the community and saw that the pastor was mouthing the right words but underneath wishing Terence hadn't driven Lisa away, Terence gave up on all of it.

Terence felt that it doesn't matter what people say they believe, in the end, it's all the same. The hot girl with the big tits is popular and everyone tries to pretend it's because she's nice or some other reason. However, he was living the reality. Everyone was upset with him for making the girl who was the gem in their community go away.

Terence stopped going to church, he avoided people in that community, he just went to work and then afterward planned to kill Todd. He fantasized that if he had the chance, he would also kill Amy, Angela or Lisa. Or, even better, all of them. Maybe he would find them all coming back from some party together, and as they stepped out of the car, he would shoot all of them, shooting the women first, and Todd last. He would try and shoot them so they would be bleeding and writhing on the ground, and then Terence could walk up and finish them off, maybe with a few choice words to put them in their place before pulling the trigger.

After weeks of watching, Terence felt that there was no regular schedule to Todd's comings and goings. He practically didn't see Todd at all and only guessed at his presence by which cars he saw. Terence resolved that the only way he would get a chance to shoot Todd was to carry his gun with him when he went out to Todd's, and if he got the chance, he would rush at Todd shooting. Every day after work, Terence would go back to his apartment, get his gun, and then take the bus out to Todd's house.

One day, when Terence came home, he found his door open. His apartment was tiny, so all Terence had to do was nudge his door to open it wider and he could see the entirety of his apartment. When he did so, he saw Mark, the private detective that had Terence had hired, but who had turned on Terence to work for Todd in the middle of Angela's betrayal.

"Hey Terence," Mark said, as if waiting in Terence's apartment was a perfectly natural thing to be doing.

"Mark?" Terence said, not sure if this meeting was friendly or not. Mark held up the gun that Terence had bought.

"Planning on using this?" Mark asked. Terence tensed up, not with surprise, but with frustration. Todd was winning again!

"With what Todd does to men," Mark said, "you don't think you're the first guy to want to kill him, do you?"

Terence just sighed so his shoulders dropped.

"The boss has lots of safeguards in place," Mark explained, "you don't want to take things to this level. If you try anything like this, I'll be forced to come visit you, maybe take you to see some friends I have in Mexico. You really, really don't want that."

Terence just looked down. He was afraid to speak because there was an unsaid threat of violence in the air. Terence knew Mark was a professional who wouldn't do anything unless provoked, so as long as he let Mark set the terms of the conversation, Terence would be safe.

"I'm going to take this," Mark said, putting the gun away in his black overcoat. "It's safer for you if you don't have it. Try and stay out of trouble." Mark walked toward the door, and Terence backed up right against the wall to allow Mark plenty of room to walk by.

"Mark," Terence said as Mark stepped out into the hall. Mark turned back to look. "You've seen the things Todd does. Doesn't it bother you?"

Mark looked thoughtful for a second, then looked right at Terence. Mark didn't look bothered or anything. He just spoke as if it was all business.

"I've been around the world in some really bad places," Mark said. "Seen things you wouldn't believe. Done things. It's a cruel world. Just the way it is. I've got my place in it. You should accept yours." Then Mark walked away, not slowly, but in control, his very movement indicating that he knew Terence wouldn't try anything because he couldn't.

After Mark left, Terence closed the door and sat on the bed. However, he didn't cry, or scream, or get frustrated. He actually felt a little relieved.

Terence felt that if even killing Todd had become an impossible option, then he really couldn't do anything. Somehow, that was a freeing thought. There was no need to keep trying, to keep fighting, if he couldn't. Terence wondered if some of the other men around Todd felt that way. Maybe they just accepted their position of subservience to Todd and in that they could find a place where they were safe. Terence suddenly felt like he could understand why people joined cults. Freedom through obedience.

Terence gave up fighting in that moment, and losing the rage and anger made him feel a lot better.

Not that he found perfect happiness and bliss after that. He wasn't fighting anymore, but he knew that his options in life were limited to what Todd would allow. If Terence tried to have another beautiful girlfriend or wife, Todd would not only make her betray Terence, but try and find a way to draw it out and make him suffer as much as possible.

The thought of only dating ugly women was confusing for Terence. For all the other problems in his life, one thing he seemed to be able to do was get into relationships with beautiful, desirable women. He never really considered himself shallow as much as he considered himself fortunate.

Now that he was forced to only date ugly women, it made the desire to be with someone beautiful that much more desirable. It was just unnatural to go around and look for the women one didn't find attractive. The confusion twisted Terence up inside. On the one hand, he became addicted to porn, masturbating in the safety of knowing that women on his computer screen couldn't hurt him. However, he always felt guilty and small afterward. He would never have women like that, and having just masturbated to them made it that much more clear.

When he was more relaxed and not needing to masturbate, Terence resolved that he was going to give up women and sex entirely. He even considered joining a monastery, but knew that life wasn't really what he wanted. He decided to return to his previous expertise of working with computers. If he didn't pick up any attractive women, maybe Todd would allow Terence to gain some moderate success and satisfaction in his work.

At first, Terence worked extra shifts at the recycling plant, enough to save up and buy a computer. He also went to net cafes and the library to get access to the Internet. After nearly a year, getting back up to speed, Terence landed a job at a small start up company that was making computer programs for the Internet. They had big dreams and not much cash, so they were willing to take on a guy like Terence who had an uneven work history but showed a lot of promise.

At first he worked part time at the start up, but they managed to get some business revenue going, so he was able to leave the job at the recycling plant and go full time. Then his promise started to show through. It's amazing how much work a man who is not pursuing women can get done. Terence became a much valued employee.

It wasn't a success story like one reads about in the papers, where the little start up turned into the next Microsoft or Apple. The company did do quite well, however, and soon they were a medium sized company with two dozen employees and modest profits. Terence was able to work up to get an inexpensive and small, but new car, and a more livable apartment. Terence had been broken down enough that he knew that no matter what you have, it can be taken away, which made him grateful for everything he earned.

Despite not looking for any kind of romance, even avoiding women to a degree, Terence found himself in a relationship. It was a woman who worked as a customer service representative in his office, Margaret. She did not have an amazing body, or huge tits, or an incredible face. She was plain looking, a little pear shaped, with brown eyes and limp brown hair. Her jaw was a little too big and her facial features just a little too small. She had big breasts, but only because she was chubby overall, and they sagged.

Terence started hanging out with her on lunch breaks as a friend. They had lots in common, enjoyed the same movies, liked the same music. The process was so gradual, they didn't even realize when it was that lunches also became dinners, and then drinks after dinner, and drinks on the weekend, and movies, and going to events together.

It was a relationship built entirely on friendship. Which mostly worked great. Except that after a time, Margaret began to wonder why Terence never made any moves on her, and she began instigating them herself. Terence was fine with holding hands. However, when she tried to kiss him, he was clearly uncomfortable, and it was awkward.

After six months, Margaret wanted to have a conversation about what their relationship was and where it was going. Terence couldn't bear to tell her his past, because it ended up in telling her that the only reason he was with her was because she was ugly, that if he wasn't afraid Todd would ruin another relationship with an attractive woman, Terence would be searching for someone he was also physically attracted to, not just emotionally. Instead, he just said that he wasn't that interested in sex, and it was up to her if she wanted a relationship without sex.

Margaret wanted to be married, and to have kids, and she wanted to have a sex life too. However, she confided to Terence that she knew that she wasn't most men's physical fantasy and that now she was over thirty, her options were getting smaller, not wider. She was willing to make compromises, so she agreed to not push Terence for sex, if he would agree they would at least try to have a child. Terence agreed.

Soon after, they were married. Sex, when they tried it, was awkward and uncomfortable, so they turned to artificial insemination. It was expensive, but it turned out that Terence had a low sperm count so it was the only way anyway.

They had a daughter, and it turned Terence's view on life around. For both Margaret and Terence, it gave them a new focus for life to fill the gaps they felt in their own. All that mattered was giving their daughter, Jessica, the best of everything they could manage.

Jessica was a charmer from the start. She smiled, and laughed, and brought joy to everyone. Terence doted on her, and Margaret felt that for all his faults, the one thing that redeemed Terence was that he was a good father. For twelve years, the joy of taking care of their daughter blotted out any other problems they had in life. The fact that this was a life that Todd let Terence have faded into the background of Terence's mind. He was content again, and he wasn't going to let any doubt or uncertainty get in his way.

The problems started as Jessica hit puberty, and it was clear she was going to become a beautiful young woman. Somehow, the sum was greater than the total of the parts. Neither Terence nor Margaret looked to have great genetic potential, but somehow the right combination of genes must have come together. Year after year, Jessica went from being a cute, radiant little girl to an attractive and sexy young woman. She was very developed by the time she was sixteen, and popular with all the boys at her school because of her huge chest. Some of the girls couldn't help be jealous of her, but Jessica had enough humility and charm to win anyone over.

She was so gorgeous, so popular, so desirable even at that age that Terence's paranoia was in full gear. He became convinced that Todd was going to come and take her away.

Terence became a restrictive father right at the time his daughter was ripe to express teenage rebellion. While she maintained good grades and was part of social and sports clubs, Jessica and Terence started arguing all the time. He wanted to know where she was every moment of every day. He would follow her, and harass people she talked to. It began to go to extremes, with Terence shouting at people he saw talking to Jessica in the mall. Or phoning up other parents constantly to check if Jessica was where she said she was. He would check her email, her diary, and show up at her school. Parents and teachers started to complain.

When Margaret asked Terence what was wrong with him, Terence was evasive. He couldn't fully explain without revealing that he had "settled" for Margaret, and undermining their whole relationship. How would any woman feel about being told that their husband chose them because she was too ugly to be stolen by anyone else?

The proverbial shit hit the fan when Margaret looked into Terence's porn collection. She wasn't a stupid woman, she knew he looked at porn on his computer. However, she never gave it much thought until Terence started behaving like a possessive and paranoid man with regard to his daughter. She accepted Terence's story that he wasn't that interested in sex, and assumed that he only looked at porn occasionally because she had a vague idea that men couldn't help it to some degree. Margaret was never able to see what porn Terence looked at because he was good with computers, and unlike some people, was able to ensure there was no history or bookmarks for Margaret to discover by accident or by looking.

One time, after yet another argument when Jessica was home late from a cheer-leading practise and Terence had called her a whore, Margaret had enough. Terence and Margaret argued, and Margaret insisted on seeing Terence's porn collection. Terence would have refused entirely, except that he could never have foreseen what Margaret would reveal as her reason for wanting Terence to show her what he had.