Chapter 3

"Stop the wedding!" I shouted when I barged into the Great Hall. For extra good measure I fired a few shotgun rounds into the ceiling. That definitely got everyone's attention.

"This ceremony has been expressly forbidden by the Good Fairy Lydia, who is now exceedingly pissed off and has sent me to relate in full Technicolor glorious detail the exact precise nature of her incandescent rage ... oops, sorry ... the rage is actually all mine. In short, you've all been very, very naughty and there are going to be spankings! Ladies', please all line up against that wall over there and I'll attend to your chastisements personally later. Since I don't see any actual gentlemen in this room, I'll ask all of the shambling and drooling jackoffs in pants to siddle over to this other wall ... unless you'd like to grow a pair of balls and object. Please resist ... I'm really hoping and praying that a few of you do."

I needn't have worried, as the center of the Great Hall began to clear out one of the guests, a rather huge blood-red Unicorn stepped forward and grunted out some sort of a challenge to me.

"What is your major malfunction, hay for brains?" I asked him. "Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a little pony? Still whining that you didn't get a little girl to ride you for your birthday? Either shut up your whinnying and step back or come and get me and get your ass beat like a dead horse."

These were mortal insults that no Unicorn could ignore and infuriated he galloped across the floor creating sparks as his hooves hit the stone. I could have shot him and probably ought to have shot him, except I was pretty sure that the deadly magical beast had more than enough momentum to keep going and impale me against the stone pillar that I was next too, even if I'd blown his head or chest off with OO buck.

Instead, I decided to just dart aside at the very last nanosecond and let the stupid beast impale his irresistible magical horn fully into the pillar. I really cut it a bit too close, but my first wish did indeed make me as fast as greased lightning when needed ... and I needed it.

Normally, I would have let the bastard bitch and moan at me for a bit to see if he knew any new curse words that I could learn to use later, but I really needed to very quickly make an example. So out came the sword and with one extremely sharp clean stroke through the neck I had a severed Unicorn's head all ready to be stuffed and mounted ... assuming that someone could get the horned head unscrewed out of the stone pillar. Petty problems ... that's why they invented butlers.

I glared over at the small group of four other large Unicorns, but they had no stomach for a fight. They stared for awhile at their slain leader and slowly left the hall without uttering a sound. I decided not to stop them. I had problems enough here.

This little exhibition certainly quieted the crowd and helped the ladies' and the meeker males to quickly decide to obey my earlier instructions. I gave them each a quick look-over and didn't note anyone that I assumed would be giving me serious trouble, at least right away. Good, because now I had more than enough of that from elsewhere.

A good dozen of the groomsmen and assorted ill-favored and well-poxed lackeys of the young Baronet, who definitely appeared to be from the shallow end of the gene pool, charged up to me with drawn swords eager to strike me down and win everlasting honor, and suitable consolation prizes from the new would-be rulers of the Magic Kingdom. I'd never been in a serious sword fight, or had any formal training, but I had goofed around a lot with my old Marine Corps NCO sword with other similarly bored friends. That was why I requested that particular form rather than something classic like a Norman broadsword or a real Samurai sword. It was better to stick with what I already knew and I was already very familiar and comfortable with the weight and feel of this type of sword.

In a real fair fight, I'd have received more than few dangerous or even fatal cuts and slashes but nothing penetrated my leather. Jacking up my strength and quickness a bit it soon became relatively easy to cut them all down one by one. My ultra-sharp sword probably had a near molecule thin edge and I was breaking their swords in half every time I struck them ... usually continuing straight through their bodies too. The floor was starting to get a bit wet and slippery and that gave the newcomers even more trouble. Pretty soon, I was all alone and you could taste the palpable fear in the room. That was the end of interference from the B-team, from now on it was time to deal with the big boys, hopefully one by one.

I decided to start right at the top and call out the young Baronet, the intended groom of the wayward Princess and one of the top troublemakers.

"YOU, the asshole dressed in black trying to marry that slut! I object! You can't have her ... I've only just barely got her trained to throat my foot long cock and she still whines when I fuck her up the ass." That worked fine. The prick turned away from his slut and stomped down the steps to meet me.

"Who are you calling asshole?" He demanded in a loud plaintive voice that wouldn't have frightened even the meekest dairy maid.

"What's your name asshole? I bet it's something that rhymes with bullshit. It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress. I bet they call you Spot!"

"Lawrence. I am the Baronet Lawrence Blackthorn, and you will call me Sir."

"Lawrence! Only faggots, sailors and bloody Limeys are called Lawrence. I bet you suck dicks! Does your girlfriend know that you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose? I bet you want to share her with all your limp dicked friends so that you can still keep getting some cock up your ass too, or do you just want to be able to wear her clothes?"

"You can't talk to me that way! Mother! Make him stop!" The scroungy little fuck was so clueless I almost didn't have the heart to rehabilitate the fucker because I was laughing so hard.

"Were you born a slimy, scumbag puke piece o' shit, my young Baronet, or did you have to work on it? I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. I'll be watching you ... burn in Hell!" I gave him two rounds in the head with my Colt... 45 ACP was more than good enough for him ... and a waste of good ammo. At least it stopped the little fuck from breathing perfectly good air that the rest of us could use later.

If I'd had to have guessed, I would have assumed that the Baron would step forward next to avenge his son, but instead it was his hysterical and otherwise useless mother. She ranted something inanely at me about that I had 'no right to do this' and this was 'their Kingdom now' so I iced her with an ACP round right through the left eye to shut the stupid evil old cunt up, and then gave her a double-tap in the back of the head.

The Princess sort of woke up from the shock she had been in and pulled a dagger and charged me with an outraged scream of insane rage, but I evaded her strike easily, disarmed her and gave her a pair of hard slaps that sent her stunned to the floor at my feet, where she remained crying.

Now, this finally got the wicked old Baron's attention ... he turned around and ran for a back door behind the throne dais while crying like a little girl. I gave him three rounds in the middle of his back and another one in the back of the head just to make sure. One fairly pretty young lady-in-waiting had the balls to come up to me afterwards to reproach me for my violence.

"How can you murder a boy and his parents? They were vile and evil people but you killed them with no remorse." She quietly but earnestly asked.

"Easy," I replied, "You aim for center mass and shoot. If the women or children are running you don't have to lead your aim quite as much and a double-tap is just as effective as a three-round burst." I grabbed the chin of the lovely young Lady firmly and made her look into my eyes and continued.

"I am here to scrub out the sins of evil with blood ... preferably theirs. This is war and there can be only one outcome. Total defeat and submission. The sooner everyone learns this lesson the less likely there will be more blood and pain afterwards. Every piece of shit that I wipe off this floor today might save five or ten good peoples' lives tomorrow ... or not. War is Hell and it is good that it is so terrible because it teaches the survivors lessons that they would otherwise soon forget." She shivered with the cold directness of my answer, but she did not look away from me. I turned back to face the now divided crowd when a new voice next to me caught me by surprise.

"You're a brave little turd, frightening women and children. You're going to cry like a spanked schoolgirl when I shove this fucking wand up your fucking ass." I heard the voice somewhere near me. I turned around fast but I didn't see anyone, but my danger sense was starting to tingle. I holstered my gun and drew my knife instead, turning it back into my sword.

"Who the fuck said that?" I called out. "Who's the slimy little twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The bogus little Fairy fucking Godmother wannabe said it! I bellowed and turned to find my taunter; it was indeed the Bad Fairy Livona, shrunk to about the size of my thumb. Good, I'd been waiting for her to turn up. I figured it I wasted enough of her playthings she'd show up to play party wrecker.

"Out-fucking-standing! I will kill your fucking ass and will skull fuck you until you wish that you could fucking die all over again! I'll fuck you until your asshole is sucking buttermilk!" The old insults are still sometimes the best. I wanted her nice and pissed off.

"Big words, big man!" She laughed and darted around me nearly so fact that I could hardly see her. "I'm going to enjoy turning you into a little piggy. I bet you'll squeal good and loud when I give you to some friends who happen to enjoy animal sodomy before dinner."

Her wand flashed and without my danger sense I never would have been able to parry her spell with my sword. I spend up my reflexes over and over until it seemed that everything was a blur, but I was still just barely keeping up her. Her wand flashed at me dozens of times but I just able to block each spell by the slimmest of margins. My blade was keeping her busy too, but she had the advantage of being able to turn on a dime ... literally, in mid air.

I thought I might be able to pick her off in mid air with my .45, but I wasn't sure I could afford to remain still long enough to take the shot, let alone a second one if I missed the first time. We might still be dancing about evading each other if she hadn't gotten cocky and tried to aim a backhanded wand shot directly at my sword hand. She had to make a sudden sideways U turn flying backward to get the angle and forgot she was too close to one of the stone pillars supporting the roof of the Great Hall. She slammed into the pillar and half-stunned herself.