Chapter 5

At last things returned to normal and Annette was able once more to think about the demonstration by Livvie and Hettie. It had obviously been churning away in her sub-conscious because her thoughts were marginally clearer. She accepted that masturbation on her own and in private was normal. She had initially been embarrassed by Louise showing her how to do it but she felt no wish to repeat anything like that and, as much as she loved her friend, felt no physical attraction for her.

The episode with Livvie and Hettie was a different matter. Annette still could not help but feel that it was unnatural. On the other hand, if Livvie and Hettie enjoyed it and did not inflict it on anyone else, who was she to condemn them? However, they had done just that to Louise and her. But not, she had to admit, until they had got agreement even though hers was reluctant. It could have been that Livvie was trying to show her that what she, Annette, had done that morning was nothing. The answer was probably to store it away in her mind and think no more of it.

She was still not happy. She had thought masturbation was wrong because 'that man' had told her it was. She realised now that the wrong thing was that he was doing it to her, his under-age daughter. She really was ignorant about all this. She would have to discuss it with her mother but it would be very embarrassing and she would certainly have to wait until Richard was not around.

Her opportunity came when Richard was playing in a golf competition with a meal afterwards. She knew that might be her only chance for a while and she made up her mind to take it. She planned how she would raise the subject and the questions she would ask. When Deborah picked her up from school that day though she was tongue-tied and sat silently in the car all the way home.

Deborah could not help but notice such uncharacteristic behaviour. She drove into the garage and switched off the engine.

"Penny for them," she said.

Annette started, glanced at her and then looked back down at her hands in her lap.

Deborah reached over and put her hand over Annette's. "Tricky one?" she asked softly.

Annette nodded dumbly.

"But you still want to talk about it, don't you?"

Another silent nod.

"Well, come on in. I'll put the kettle on while you change out of uniform and then we can talk. Don't worry, darling. I won't chew your ear or preach at you. I promise."

Annette looked up shyly at her and saw nothing but love and understanding in her mother's eyes. "Thanks, Mum," she whispered and climbed out of the car.

Ten minutes later they were sitting opposite each other at the kitchen table, each with a mug of tea.

"You've been winding yourself up for this, haven't you, Tig darling?"

Annette nodded. "I'm just so confused."

Deborah said nothing but smiled gently.

"When 'that man' did those things to me he told me WE were doing wrong but it was HIM that was, wasn't it?"

"Yes, darling."

"But I didn't know that and he made me feel that everything down there was unclean and yucky. When I had a bath I'd always use a flannel so that my fingers wouldn't touch anything. And I'd always leave that until last so that the rest of my body was still clean and then I'd wash the flannel out in the basin. After that I'd wash my hands again. It was silly of me, wasn't it, Mum?"

"No, darling! Not at all, just a very natural reaction."

Annette smiled weakly. "Well, then there was sex-ed at school and, while I took a certain amount in, I kept on thinking, 'How could people do that? If you shouldn't even touch yourself down there how could two people do that together?' And so I thought that they must want to have a baby very, very much to go through with it. But then the teacher said that if two people truly loved each other they would really enjoy doing it and have an orgasm that, she said, made both people feel wonderful. I couldn't get it, Mum. I just couldn't get it," she wailed.

Again Deborah said nothing but reached across the table and clasped Annette's hand. Her own mind was in turmoil. In her desperation to protect Annette she had shielded her from all things sexual and had failed to educate her. Richard had been more right than even he thought when he had said she'd have to ease off the protection sometime unless she wanted Annette to be an old maid or a nun. She had done but not enough. 'Oh, darling, I wish you were here to help me but then my little Tig would clam up. Pull yourself together, woman, and help her instead of relapsing into self-righteous pity.' She set her shoulders.

"I'm not surprised, darling," she said. "We ought to have talked more but you have hit the nail on the head. 'That man' did the wrong and there is nothing wrong or dirty with anything down there. And you, my sweet, were totally blameless. I should have told you about how much you can enjoy that area. Neither Richard or I can ever have another baby but do we ever enjoy making love!"