Chapter 20: Dawn's Story II

MAY 23, 2003, SUMMER BREAK

I just couldn't stay away.

I hated Ben and yet, I loved him. I had fully intended not to talk to him again until we met up at camp. At camp, I figured, we'd somehow find the magic that would make us understand each other and realize what we really meant to each other. But until then, I had to step away. I had to give him more time to get over Adrienne and realize how much he needed me. Our worlds wouldn't be complete until he figured that out.

I was doing fine today. Ben saw me in the morning on his way out. I just avoided his gaze until he left. And then I spent the next ten minutes trying to breathe normally.

After his final, Ben had his talk with Adrienne. I worried for a little while, but the next time I saw him I knew it was really over. She wasn't exactly giving him back to me, but Adrienne had broken up with Ben.

I was actually surprised he didn't grab someone and start fucking their brains out right away. But then, I figured that he'd been doing that all week just to keep himself occupied until the hammer finally fell. Now that it had, apparently sex wasn't the first thing on his mind.

Drinking, however, was. We threw an End of the Year party, and Ben was pounding shots and screaming cheers in a dozen or so different languages. Of course, getting to a dozen languages meant he had to down a dozen shots. And I was beginning to worry about him.

Still, I kept my distance. Ben didn't try to approach me apart from some longing looks across the room. It hurt him, to have his best friend nearby but avoiding him. But hell, this hurt me, too. I just couldn't face him right now. Not when I'd gotten my hopes up that we'd be together again, only to find that he hadn't been of a like mind.

I saw when Matt Kanemura, Brandi's boyfriend, first cut Ben off. I felt a pressure deep in my gut to DO something about it, and when Ben started getting belligerent, I realized my conscience wouldn't let me stay totally aloof. If Ben got into serious trouble and I did nothing to stop him, I'd hate myself forever. So I tried to slow him down and he practically collapsed right in front of me.

Poor guy. Lost his girlfriend — both of them — and his best friend in the span of a couple of days. I couldn't imagine what was going through his head. I got him back into his bedroom. And for a while I was tempted to stay with him, pull his head into my lap, and cuddle with him until my happy Ben came back.

But he wasn't my Ben anymore.

So I kissed him tenderly, platonically, on his forehead. Then I got off the bed and left the room.

"Hey, babe," I said softly when I found Ryan. "Let's get out of here, okay?"

My loving boyfriend put his arm around my shoulders, took one last look back at Ben's bedroom, and then we left.

MAY 24, 2003, SUMMER BREAK

I just couldn't stay away.

I hated Ben and yet, I loved him. I wanted him to understand how much he'd hurt me. But I didn't want him to be miserable for the rest of the summer. The last thing he would remember of me was me helping him into his room and then walking away, leaving him when he needed my help to get through his pain.

I'd abandoned him. And I was sorry for it. And I HAD to tell him that I was sorry. Even if it wasn't my place to comfort him, I could at least not ADD to his misery.

"Take me home, Ryan," I said softly.

My boyfriend looked over at me. We had spent the morning getting breakfast and hanging out with Gwen and Robin, helping them pack up their dorm rooms. Now Ryan and I were going off to lunch by ourselves. But I couldn't go just yet. Maybe Ben and Adrienne hadn't left just yet. They were probably already gone; but maybe ... just maybe ... it wasn't too late. "Take me home," I repeated. "I need to say goodbye."

My boyfriend looked over at me, a curious expression on his face. But bless his heart, without a word, Ryan just moved up to the next streetlight and signaled to turn around.

A few minutes later, we pulled up to the curb just in time. Ben and Adrienne were standing by the Mustang, having not yet climbed in. I sprinted out the door and up the driveway. And I slammed into Ben from behind, choking out a few sobs as I wrapped myself around his body.

"Dawn?" Ben gasped. His hands jerked up to touch my arms.

I didn't answer except to kiss the back of his neck. In that moment, I felt his shoulders relax as a mountain load of tension slid away from him. And I felt the same tension leaving me as well.

We were connected, after all.

"I'm sorry, Ben," I said softly, right into his ear.

He didn't answer. He didn't even turn around to look at me. He just bent his head and gently patted my hands.

I kissed his neck again and sighed. "I'm your Dawn. Forever." My voice cracked and I WILLED him to understand that when the world came to an end, I would still be waiting for him.

Ben turned around and gave me the warmest hug I'd ever felt. It was better than the hugs my parents gave me when I was little. It was more relieving than even Ben's hugs when he'd raced up in the middle of the night after the whole Mark incident. I pushed my chin into his shoulder and he rubbed my cheek with his own. We twisted together for a good minute, hugging each other tighter and tighter until neither of us could breathe.

It ended perfectly. He turned and kissed my cheek, whispering, "And I'm your Ben."

JUNE 2003, SUMMER BREAK

"Wow..." I breathed as I pressed the phone to my ear. I sagged back, feeling Ryan's strong arms wrapping around my waist as I leaned against his chest. Still slightly shell-shocked, I didn't react when he leaned around and pecked my cheek.

"You okay, babe?"

I nodded slowly. I hadn't even noticed Ryan coming up and hugging me while I was on the phone. What Ben had just told me sent chills down my spine.

"You got SHOT?" I gasped into the phone. This time, I felt Ryan tense up behind me.

"Twice," Ben replied at the other end of the line.

I dropped the phone. Just imagining Ben with two bullet holes in his body frightened the crap out of me. Ben. MY Ben. He'd nearly died. I'd nearly lost him FOREVER.

I scrambled and picked up the phone, quickly putting it to my ear. Ben didn't currently sound in distress, but I HAD to know. Eden. Emma. Brooke. "Ben, tell me that everyone is okay!"

"Everyone's fine. Brandi didn't tell you that part?"

"No! I haven't seen her in a couple of days!" I exclaimed. "And my mom didn't tell me anything about guns or shooting! You got shot?"

"Yeah, but I'm fine, everyone's fine," Ben said reassuringly. "I was a little freaked out about Adrienne for a minute there, but everyone is fine. Emma was untouched and Adrienne just had some cuts."

"What happened to Adam?"

Ben took a deep breath. "He's dead."

I dropped the phone again.

All this death. All this craziness. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to rush down to Ben and promise to never leave his side again. This is a fickle world we live in, and every day could be our last. Could I afford to wait for my destiny to come? Or could one of us end up DEAD before it ever happened?

But I tamped down on those urges, hanging my head. I loved Ben. I would always love him. But we weren't like that anymore. I wasn't just going to wait around for a stupid boy to figure out I was the love of his life, soulmate or not. He'd shown me with the whole Adrienne thing that he wasn't thinking on that level yet. He was just looking for whatever would make him happy for now. Could I fulfill that role for him? Maybe. But didn't I deserve the absolute devotion I wanted to give him? When was BEN going to give that to me?

Maybe Ben just needed a couple more years of seasoning. After all, Ryan was two years older and had been giving me that kind of devotion since he was Ben's age. Maybe I just had to wait and see if Ben matured into the man I knew he could be: the kind of man who would be right for me.

Maybe he wouldn't.

Either way, that was up to Ben now. I'd wasted too much of my life — and too much of Ryan's efforts — to waste any more. Those were the decisions I'd made in the month since we'd left Berkeley. And not even getting shot by Adrienne's deranged brother could change that.

Ben told me the rest of the story. I listened in mild shock at the violence of it all. Crazy shit had happened to me in my life, but nothing quite so ... fatal. I still couldn't believe Ben had actually been shot.

But that concern was wiped away by a new crisis. Ben tried to joke, "I'm fine, Dawn. Well, I may not be able to go swimming with you when we get to camp because the wounds will still be healing; but other than that, I'm perfectly healthy."

"Oh, Bennn..." I moaned forlornly, realizing that my timing really SUCKED. After everything he'd already been through, I had more bad news for him.

"ReLAX," Ben tried to reassure me. "I'm fine."

"No, it's not that," I moaned in the same tone. I looked at Ryan, gazing into his eyes for strength as I gathered myself together. Then deciding I just had to spit it out, I stated, "I was going to tell you today: I'm not coming to camp."

There was a thudding sound as apparently it was Ben's turn to drop the phone. I heard the mad scramble as he picked it back up and then gasped, "Wait, what?" I could imagine his frustration. Eighteen years we'd been together, with never a single miss...

... until now. I sighed and tried to explain, "I know we didn't put much effort into finding internships for this summer, but Dayna's company wants extra interns and she recommended me. It's a paid internship, I'll get lots of good experience, and specifically this'll really help make sure I get into the Undergraduate Business program. They made the offer and I already accepted."

And more to the point, I don't trust myself around you. But I didn't tell him that part. I knew that if I met up with Ben at camp, I wouldn't be able to resist sleeping with him and betraying my boyfriend. And right now, maintaining a relationship with the one man who truly dedicated himself to me mattered more.

"You're not coming to camp?" Ben complained.

I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. But no."

All I heard was a bitchy snarl before the line cut off. Wow ... Ben actually hung up on me. How... immature...

I pulled my head away and furrowed my eyebrows, staring at my cell phone, feeling annoyed. But I shut down my annoyance. After all, Ben had just gone through a painful trauma and had been shot twice. I could forgive him a short temper in these trying times.

So I called him back. I wanted him to know that I was still his friend.

But of course, it went straight to his voicemail. I could already see Ben sulking on his bed, hitting END on his phone like a petulant child.

I sighed. THIS was why I had to wait for him to grow up.

JULY 9, 2003, SUMMER BREAK

After never calling me back before he left for camp, I was absolutely THRILLED to hear from Ben on my birthday. "You can't believe how happy I am that you called me!" I gushed into the phone.

"You're my Dawn," Ben said sweetly. "And it's your birthday. Just because you're not at camp this year doesn't change that. Still ... I wish you WERE here..."

I sighed. "I know. I'm still sorry it had to be this way."

"Don't worry about it. If nothing else, I'm sure Ryan is thrilled you're staying nearby."

I chuckled and looked around the room. At present, I was all by myself in my house, having come home early from my internship. And Ryan hadn't yet come by to visit after his own day at work. My parents didn't know it, but Ryan was pretty much spending every single night with me since we could get away with it; and Dayna promised she wouldn't rat me out. So on that point alone, Ryan was thrilled I wasn't at camp this month. And then of course, Ryan was doubly-thrilled I wasn't with Ben. "He wouldn't say it, but he was freaking out about the idea of you and me at camp again. Last year was one thing, but ... well..."

"I know. It's fine. Less temptation this way," Ben admitted. "Besides, your little sister has been quite eager to take up the slack. Seriously Dawn, DJ has been an absolute nymphomaniac. Girl hasn't left my side for the entire camp."

"Really?" I giggled. I thought back to when I informed my own family that I was going to stick around the house. DJ had gotten really, really excited.

"You know," I began in a thoughtful tone. "As soon as DJ found out I wasn't coming to camp, her eyes got REALLY big. I didn't realize it at the time, but I think it's because she knew you were going to be single this summer. That girl's had a crush on you for a long time."

"Really?" Ben asked in surprise.

"Really. I once asked her why she's never settled down with a serious boyfriend. At first, I thought it was because she'd gotten too much advice from Dayna about playing with many boys being more fun than just being with one. But DJ just said that none of the boys she ever met measured up to you."

"Really?"

I giggled. "Really. I wonder if I should worry about little sis trying to poach you while I'm gone."

Ben chuckled. "Nah. We're just friends ... well ... horny friends. Girl won't leave my dick alone."

I laughed, imagining horny Ben and horny DJ with a big camp and no big sister around. "I'll bet. And I'm sure you have lots of opportunities with my old cabin being empty most of the time."

"We have. Plus, we spend a lot of time at the clearing."

I went quiet.

He didn't...

SHE didn't...

"You took her to our clearing?" I asked coldly, ice running through my voice.

Ben could already tell I was angry. He practically whimpered, "Uh, yeah."

"To OUR clearing?" I growled. "You fucked her in OUR special clearing? Alone?"

"Whoa! Whoa!" Ben stammered. I could even picture him waving his hands defensively. "Wait a minute; DJ said quite explicitly that she asked your permission. And now that I think about it, she said you specifically gave her the green light to keep me company this summer since you were quote/unquote 'abandoning' me."

"I never said ANY of that!"

"What? I even asked her if she was lying!" Ben protested. Then I heard a commotion behind him and he whispered harshly. "DJ said she knew you'd rip her head off later if you found out."

"I would! I will!"

And then I proceeded to verbally thrash my best friend for violating OUR most special place.

I was still upset when Ryan got home. I'm sure he wasn't expecting to find me the way he did.

He was late, an hour later than usual. I was actually starting to get mad at him for it. Here was my 19th birthday, with no family around except for Dayna. No Mom or Dad. No Ben. Just me. Not even my boyfriend could bother to show up on time. And all this on a day I found out Ben was fucking my little sister in OUR clearing.

So I moped on the bed. And I was surprised when Ryan walked through the door, holding a bouquet of pink roses, my favorites. He was dressed in a tuxedo, a smile on his face as he started theatrically, "And now my dear, shall we... Dawn?"

He cut off when he realized I wasn't in the mood. And he quickly crossed over to me, kneeling and reaching for my hands. "Are you okay?"

I didn't answer him. I just furrowed my eyebrows in confusion at his attire and pointed. "What's with the penguin suit?"

He gave me a lopsided grin. "It was a surprise. Remember how we watched that Japanese 'Shall We Dance?' a couple of weeks ago? Well, you said you'd never been formally dancing and I thought it would be fun to go tonight."

Absolutely incredible. How did I ever manage to get such a special guy?

I looked up at my boyfriend, seeing his sterling blue eyes and handsome face as he smiled down at me. For years, he'd been considerate and caring. He always made me his priority and never once failed to show me he loved me. Yeah, we had our fights and disagreements. But if you took away the jealousies over Ben, Ryan and I probably had the least number of fights out of any couple I'd ever HEARD of, let alone met. He was a perfect guy, and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why I'd kept him at arms length for so long.

Blinking, I looked up at him with moist eyes and said softly, "Tell me how much I mean to you." My voice was filled with need.

It took him a second to remember what I meant, but it came to him quickly. This would be the third time since April I'd asked him to tell me how much I meant to him. And he changed the words every time.

"You don't mean a lot to me," Ryan began, just like always. "You mean everything to me. You're more than my world, Dawn; you're my Universe. You are every season of the year. You are the heat of Summer, filled with light and warmth. You are the beauty of Fall, with ever changing moods like the colors of Autumn leaves. You are the purity of Winter, cool and absolute. And you are the promise of Spring, making me believe that my time will come. You are my sunrise and sunset; and at night I eagerly await the new coming of the Dawn."

Tears now fell down my cheeks as I reached up to Ryan, grabbing his shirt and tugging him down to me. I hungrily sought out his lips, kissing him so hard my teeth hurt as I pulled him onto my body, crushing myself so wonderfully beneath his heavy weight.

Then I pulled back and stroked his cheeks while lovingly looking into his eyes. I made sure I had his full and undivided attention as I stared right into him, saying, "You don't have to wait for your time anymore, Ryan. That time is now. I love you."

Uncontrollably, Ryan smiled WAY bigger than I'd ever seen him do. He couldn't help it. He'd waited years for me to say that, and now that I had, he couldn't be happier.

But that happiness was tempered by skepticism. His eyes searched through mine, clicking back and forth as if looking for a 'but' to follow.

There was none. I just pulled him down and kissed him again, a passionate growl rising up in my throat.

But he pulled away and gasped, "Dawn-Dawn-Dawn-Dawn-Dawn." He paused, heaving for air. "Don't do this to me. Don't do this if you don't really mean it," he rasped.

"I mean it," I giggled and pulled him in for another kiss.

"N-no," he pulled away, shaking his head. "I know the score. I know you're in love with Ben. You've ALWAYS been in love with Ben. And I knew, deep in my heart, that I was just keeping you warm until he came around to his senses. Please, Dawn. Don't do this to me if you don't really mean it!"

I took a deep breath and looked straight at my boyfriend. "I love you, Ryan," I said firmly. "And you need to know this: I used to think I would end up back with Ben, someday. I used to. We grew up together. He was my first everything. But we've grown up into different people. He's still my best friend, but we're not romantic anymore. He has his life. I have mine. And YOU'RE at the center of my life, now. Okay?"

Ryan blinked several times. "So ... I'm not just keeping you occupied until Ben comes to his senses and wants you back?"

I sighed. That WAS how I'd seen Ryan a long time ago. Well, maybe not so long ago; but it wasn't the way I saw him now. "No," I said firmly. "You're more to me than that."

Ryan frowned and looked skeptical.

I sighed. "Ben is my past. But when I see you, babe, I see my future. Look, we've only been dating for less than two years. But you're not just a temporary boyfriend to me. I want to see where this goes, how our relationship can develop. I want to find out how our feelings can grow if we stay together through your graduation. Heck, I want to see how our feelings can grow if we stay together through MY graduation, and beyond."

"Are you serious?" Ryan looked dubious.

"Yes, I am," I told him with heartfelt conviction. "When I see you, I see a man who just might make me happy for the rest of our lives. And for that, I really and truly do love you."

I kissed him again. And this time, the stupid boy didn't do anything else to stop me.

We never made it to the dance. Actually, I ended up tearing his tuxedo, which wasn't cheap, in my haste to get it off him. And even then, I don't think his pants ever came fully free of his left ankle. Neither of us wanted to take the time to remove them before my boyfriend's wonderful cock slid home inside me.

"Yesss..." I hissed, my fingers clawing at Ryan's back as he hunched over my prone body, urgently thrusting with his hips to drive the powerful rod into my clenching pussy over and over again.

"Dawn..." he moaned, repeatedly, in love with the sound of my name. "Dawn..."

"Fuck me, Ryan. Love me. Love me, baby," I crooned back at him, rolling my hips to meet his. I held his face in my hands, staring right into his eyes. I wanted him to see mine, to see that I really and truly loved him. I wanted him to feel my love radiating out from every pore in my body while he passionately pushed part of his body, part of his soul, into mine.

That night, I showed my boyfriend just how special our lovemaking could be when we both loved each other, holding nothing back. And when we fell asleep together with his cock slowly going soft inside me, nothing else in the universe mattered.

AUGUST 2003, SUMMER BREAK

"You'd better get going. My family will be home soon." I pecked Ryan on the lips and then pushed him away lightly.

Smiling, he took a step backward. But he stopped and looked at me with both trepidation and hope on his face. "You're serious about this? I should go ahead and put down the deposit?"

I smiled wanly. "Well, maybe wait until tomorrow. My decision is made, but my parents may still pitch a fit."

Ryan nodded and then blew me a last kiss. He then turned and headed up the sidewalk to get into his car.

I wasn't actually worried about my parents. They were protective, but they were very into letting us girls be independent and make our own decisions. We always tried to reward that freedom by being responsible, succeeding most of the time. And in this case, I already knew they'd let me make this big decision as well: I was moving in with Ryan.

The idea started a week ago. Ryan had been looking at several different apartments himself, wanting a place to stay closer to campus and closer to me. It was simply too much of a drag to take the BART up every day and to live at home. He felt like he was intruding every time he crashed over at the house, and he felt doubly uncomfortable knowing that both Ben and my sister were in the house, potentially able to hear us if we decided to get intimate.

Originally, Ryan was going to get his own place and live on his own. It would be expensive, but he'd manage if he had to. Or maybe he'd find a roommate. We'd already discussed sleeping over at each other's place from time to time.

One complication was that at the Berkeley house, Adrienne and I would ACTUALLY have to share the big bedroom, with Ben taking over my old room. Now that Adrienne and Ben were broken up, it just didn't make sense for them to share anymore. And since Adrienne and I were the young girls on the totem pole, we'd have to share. THAT would make it difficult to bring Ryan over to my place.

But after Ryan had practically lived at my house for the past month, I was loathe to be parted from him. Ever since declaring my love for him on my birthday, our relationship had bloomed into something intense and passionate and wonderful. I didn't want to be away from him. So a week ago, when he asked me to move in with him, I jumped at the idea.

Ryan had been surprised. He never expected me to go for it. After all, I'd been the one keeping our relationship at a measured pace for almost two years. But that didn't mean he wasn't thrilled with my positive response. I knew my parents could afford it, this would solve the housing dilemma with Ben and Adrienne, and besides, it wasn't like my Mom and Dad were under any illusions that I wouldn't be spending all my time at Ryan's apartment anyways. Worst case, if I broke up with the guy, I could always move back to the house.

So I wasn't worried about my parents. The one person I WAS worried about? Ben.

How would HE react to the news? With something this momentous, I knew it would change my relationship with my best friend forever. This wasn't just about where my head hit the pillow every night, this was a choice. This was me choosing Ryan over him. And DJ or no DJ, I had no idea how Ben would take things. I didn't think it likely there was anything he could say that would change my mind. But this was Ben. He just had that effect on me. Because deep down in my heart, I knew that if Ben promised to drop DJ and be with me and love me forever if I only didn't go ... I would.

I loved Ryan, but Ben still had that power over me. So I told Ryan to wait a day. I'd give my boyfriend the answer tomorrow.

It was highly unlikely Ben would react that way. But am I a bad person for hoping he might?

Ben's family arrived first, or at least their van did. With the balance of kids thrown off, it turned out that Ben and Brooke had ridden with my parents and DJ, and had yet to arrive.

My heart nearly stopped when they did. Showtime.

Brandi was the first to greet her little brother. They hugged, Ben lifting his big sister off her feet for a few seconds in their happiness. The two chatted briefly and then moved along, Brandi going to Brooke and Dayna leaving DJ to go for Ben. My own big sister laughed and patted Ben's ass before moving on.

And then Ben's eyes met mine.

I'd stayed in the doorway to the house, biting my lip nervously. A flood of uncertainty washed through me, and I saw Ben hesitate when he felt my mood. But then he stepped forward and came right to me.

I opened my arms as he approached and Ben stepped into them for a hug. Neither of us said anything. Neither of us needed to. Time stopped and the world ceased to spin while he and I simply enjoyed the pleasantness of holding each other once again. We hadn't seen each other in person since that last gasp hug the day he and Adrienne drove away from the Berkeley house back in May, and only now did I realize that my world had been slightly off-balance ever since he'd gone.

Yeah, I loved Ryan. But I needed Ben around me like I needed air to breathe.

Eventually, we pulled apart and looked at each other. I stared into his soft, expressive eyes. He looked me up and down and then stated knowingly, "I guess we need to talk."

I nodded wordlessly, took his hand, and led him inside the house.

We ended up in my bedroom. I turned and sat down on the bed, leaning back against the headboard while Ben sat just in front of me. I felt a little weird, knowing I'd made love to my boyfriend on this bed only a couple of hours before.

"You okay?" he asked with some concern. "You don't look so good."

"'Very well'," I corrected his grammar. "I don't look very well."

Ben chuckled and rolled his eyes. And just like that, a smile spread across my face as our old comfortability came back to us. "It's good to see you," he said warmly.

"You too," I replied in the same tone. "Things weren't so great the last time we saw each other."

"Things were pretty good the last time," he corrected. "They just weren't so great right before that."

I blushed and nodded as I thought of how I'd embraced him from behind and kissed the back of his neck just before he drove home from Berkeley. But Ben winced at the memory of what came before. He'd been going through hell, and I hadn't made it any easier on him by cutting myself off from him. I'd been angry and disappointed in him, but he still had to have been feeling a lot of pain.

But that was then. This was now. Ben moved us along by asking, "What's bothering you? Are you upset that I started dating DJ?"

I was more bothered by moving in with Ryan and Ben's potential reaction, but talking about DJ would give me the time to gather my courage. "What's up with that, anyways? Are you rebounding?"

He shook his head. "If I'd hooked up with any other girl, I'd have said yes. Even with DJ, I'll admit there was a desire to fill the void inside me. But she's more than that."

"How?" I arched an eyebrow.

He shrugged. "She's DJ. She just is."

It wasn't really an answer, but I let it go. I just looked down and exhaled. "I can't say I'm thrilled with it. After all, there's a part of me that wishes you would just sit around with your hand on your dick, pining away for me." I smiled mischievously at that. "But I can't blame either of you. I knew the way DJ felt about you. I knew she was going to go after you. And ... well ... DJ's a very pretty girl. You and she are quite compatible and magical things happen at camp."

Ben leaned forward and touched my hand. "It doesn't mean I don't still care about you. You're still my Dawn."