Chapter 6: Nancy

He called! I waited all day and began to believe he was not going to call, but he did! And he was coming to see us both! He wanted me to be free to bow out and not have to see him? What the hell was that all about? Did he think I was afraid of him? That I didn't want to be with him again? How in the world could he come to that conclusion? He shut me out, not the other way around. And I told him I wanted nothing more to do with Hugo. I told him that and made sure he got the note. The doctor told me he made sure Carmine read it and understood it. So he knows that Hugo was never part of my or Ruben's life.

But he was coming! I was going to be able to see him again and talk with him. I can hope that he will allow me to apologize for my mistakes and for making him go crazy. It was my fault that he spent all those years in prison, away from his life and his work and his son. It was my fault and I had to let him know how sorry I was. I had to tell him that it was never anything he did that caused me to do something so stupid and so selfish. God, how selfish was I? Even now when I remember the way I was thinking back then, it makes me sick to my stomach. Sick and miserable.

I wonder what he thinks about me now? Or, if he even does think of me. And did he think of me during all those years? Like I thought of him? How many nights did he fall asleep, his hands holding his erection, wishing it were my hand holding him? As many as I did, using my fingers to ease the pain I felt from not having his body on mine, his hardness inside me where it belonged? All those years lost, the nights we could have been together, making love like we did before it all went to hell. Before I destroyed it all with my stupidity.

And what made it even worse for me was that the last man inside me, the last man to have my body wasn't even my husband! It was Hugo! The man that I let destroy my marriage and send the man I love to prison! Hugo! Even now, that thought makes me sick. Sick at heart as well as sick to my stomach. When the memory surfaces, as it does on those days when the world seems to have it in for me, I end up on the floor in the bathroom, still wet from the shower that never seems to make me feel clean. And regardless of what they say, time hasn't made it any less. It is still as vivid in my memory as the day it happened. And I hate it! I pray that I can forget it, but so far my prayers haven't been answered.

Enough! It was done and it was over. Stop wishing and saying sorry over and over. It doesn't help anything! And stop waiting for fate to come along and punish you so it can then forgive you! God doesn't punish the guilty and reward the innocent! That was for stories and books. In the real world, innocents like Carmine pay the price for the guilty like me. I stayed home, free to come and go as I pleased. Carmine was locked up for trying to protect what was his. Hugo got off scott free taking something that didn't belong to him and paying no price. Sure he got beat up, but a beating wasn't much to sacrifice for taking what wasn't his to take. And I paid no price at all, unless it was the price of losing the man I loved, but when I think of it that way, the price I paid was actually pretty stiff. Maybe there was something to that. Maybe God did punish the guilty!

Now that he called, I had to tell Ruben. I had to tell him I knew his secret and that his dad wanted to see him and he was coming for five days. I wanted to tell him when he was home with me so that I could control his expectations. I didn't want him to go off half cocked and plan on a reunification of our family. Carmine said it himself. He said that wasn't going to happen. He said it so that Ruben wouldn't get his hopes up. Nothing was said about my hopes. And my hopes were my business and I would take care of myself. Ruben was my real concern just now.

Tomorrow. I would tell him tomorrow after school. Tomorrow was a Thursday and that would give him three days to get ready. Three days was nothing after the six years he had waited. Who was I kidding? Three days was a lifetime for a kid! Should I wait until almost Monday? Would Carmine call when he got in? What if Ruben answered the phone? No! I would tell him tomorrow after school and be done with it. Good!