Chapter 5: Carmine

I decided that I had better call Nan before going any further towards seeing Ruben, my son. If she got it in her head I was trying to go around her to talk to Ruben, she could make trouble for me with my PO. I didn't want any trouble at this stage that could land me back in prison. I didn't need that and I didn't want to give her the wrong idea. While I never hated my time there, and the friends I made were good and valuable, I didn't want to go back to the loss of freedom. Just sitting at my kitchen table, looking out the window at the busy street was a joy that I rediscovered every morning. It was more than enough to convince me I never wanted to go back. So, before I lost my nerve, I got the number the PI left me and called her cell. She answered, we talked and the world didn't end! But it was harder to do than I ever expected.

The phone call to Nan had gone better than I had hoped. She was still angry at me for cutting her off as I had, but I had no choice. She and Ruben were better off without me when I was in prison. It was entirely possible that I might never make it out of there, especially the first year or two. Things happened in prison and they were rarely talked about in polite society. I had been lucky; there was no doubt about that. But I had no way of knowing that was going to be the case. I took the only option available to me and cut myself off from both of them. It cost me more than they could ever know. At least they had each other: I had no one but myself.

I had thought of my son a lot during those long nights when I had nothing to look forward to and nothing to occupy my mind. How had he grown? Was he a good kid? Did he have a lot of friends? Was he handsome and popular with the girls? Eileen told me a lot and she had pictures. I treasured the pictures and I kept them safe and dry the whole time I was in, but they weren't the real thing. Even so, I had them still. I had no pictures of Nancy and Eileen never mentioned any to me. She knew that's how I wanted it. I found out later that Nancy was the one that gave Eileen the pictures to give me. I wonder why she never included any with her in them.

When I asked to see both of them, I think it was more of a surprise to me then it was to Nancy. She accepted and seemed anxious to meet but I thought I heard a hesitation in her voice. I wondered if she would rather not see me at all. If that was the case, I could give her an out tomorrow when I called back. Just let her off the hook. That might be best. Yes, that might be what she preferred.

The thought of seeing her again gave me a sudden boost of energy. I had tried to put her out of my mind all the time I was being held for trial. I was successful, telling my guards not to allow her back to see me. And I denied her attempts to bail me out before the trial started just to avoid having to face her and see the betrayal in her eyes. I made the deal putting me in prison just so I would not have to face her. It was not a brave thing to do and any attempt to convince myself that I did it for them was false. I knew better. I knew the truth. I was afraid to face her. I was afraid she would tell me she didn't love me and that she wanted more than I was able to give her. I was afraid she would tell me that she loved that son of a bitch I almost killed, so I cut her out of my life. Ruben was a casualty of that fear: if he came, she would come with him and I would be able to see the truth in her eyes. That would have killed me then.

Now I had some things to consider. Eileen told me when she visited that Nancy had sold the house and moved to a small town east of Columbus. She and Ruben lived alone and Nancy had gone to work at a vet's office. I wondered about that, knowing the amount of money that the house had brought and the insurance policy that would make up my salary. She had no money problems! She didn't need to work or to sell the house. When I asked Eileen, all she said was that Nancy wanted it this way.

Nancy also wrote me a short note after I rejected her attempt to talk to her prior to the divorce. She wanted to let me know that she and Hugo had no further contact and that she had quit her job there. That made me happy. I distinctly remember getting that note from the doctor in the infirmary and when I read it, I almost cried. She didn't love him! That was something. I kept that note and I still have it in the box where I kept those things I brought out with me on the day I was released. They were kept in a prominent place in my small apartment. I looked at them every day and remembered and promised myself that it would never happen again.

Through Eileen, she sent me notes every holiday, every birthday, every important event in my son's life. She let me know when he graduated from grade school. She sent me a copy of the article in the school paper when he was elected class treasurer. She sent me a birthday card on each of my birthdays. She sent me a Valentine's day card, a Christmas card and she told me what she got for him on each of his six birthdays. She told me about his best friend Eddie and how his family welcomed Ruben in as one of their own. She signed each one, 'Love, your wife.' I kept them all; every one. But I answered none of them.

Now I was about to make the first major change in my life since I got out. Taking the job with Jason's clinic was easy. It meant getting out, getting my own place to live and earning enough money to help me begin to live again. Doing the reconstructive work that made people's lives better was pleasure for me, not work. And I was good at it and they appreciated it. They paid very well to show their appreciation. I was making more money than I had ever made and I was satisfied doing what I loved. I didn't want or need the excitement of the emergency room anymore. I wanted peace and quiet and contentment. I had two of the three now and that wasn't all bad. What I was about to do might well mess up my life.

I decided to go over to my PO's office first thing in the morning and talk to him about what I planned to do. I thought Jack might be hesitant to allow me to go, but I hoped I could convince him of my good faith. He had begun to trust me and he only called once or twice a month and then he called first thing in the morning when he knew I was getting ready to go to work. He never embarrassed me by calling there and he never tried to trip me up by calling at times he knew I would be out. I ate dinner out almost every night and I ate breakfast at the clinic. I was in the apartment late in the evening but not much more. He knew where I was however so he called when he knew he could reach me. As a matter of fact, we had beers together every couple of weeks. He knew me as well as anyone and I liked to think that we could be friends once I was done with my probation.