Chapter 14: Nancy

I heard the words that Carmine spoke with equal parts of sadness and shock. I heard him say that he blamed himself for what he did. It was news to me that he felt that way at all since the lawyers had convinced me that he wasn't guilty of trying to kill Hugo because he was truly impaired in his judgment because of the extended hours he was working. Even the DA said so, but he couldn't do anything when Carmine decided to plead guilty!

But I could see his side of things as well. Carmine was a doctor who practiced medicine because he wanted to help people. Money was never his motivator and he was well paid only because he was so good at what he did. Carmine would look at what he did with horror and take full responsibility for it without considering the cost to himself. That was who Carmine was. That was who he was all those years ago and who he still was.

But what was most important to me was that Carmine put me and Ruben first in his life when all this happened. He put us first and went to jail to spare us! God, what that did to me was almost enough to drive me insane. He forgave me years ago! How could he have done that? What I did wasn't so easy to forgive! I hadn't even succeeded in doing that for myself! That made me stop and think of what Carmine had been living with all these years. He felt he was guilty and that he had gone to jail to atone for his sin. But the sin was mine. If I hadn't been with Hugo that day, none of this would have happened. Carmine had to know that!

I could see that Carmine had said what he wanted to say. Now, it seemed he was giving me my chance to say all the things I wanted to say to him all those years ago. I sat up straight on the couch, turned to face him and began.

"Carmine, I have to tell you that you are wrong. This was never your fault. I was the one that started the chain of events that ended with you going to jail. It was my fault that Hugo was there in our bedroom. It was my fault that we were in bed with each other. It was my fault, Carmine, and you were just caught up in my betrayal. I knew what I was doing and I knew that it was wrong. I know that and I apologize to you for everything you had to go through because of me.

"When I saw you there, that bat in your hand and the look on your face, I knew in that instant that my life was over. I was afraid that you were going to kill Hugo with that bat and that's why I jumped you. I couldn't let you go to jail for something that was my fault. I knew then that I had made a horrible mistake. I knew it and I had to stop you from killing him. Not to save him, but to save you! But when I saw your eyes, I became afraid. You were someone else then. That was what I told the lawyer and he agreed that you were not yourself.

"Why didn't you let us save you from prison, Carmine? Why? Why did you give up your son and your freedom for something I did?"

Carmine listened to me, his face calm and his eyes warm. He listened and he heard me, of that I was certain. But he was shaking his head, denying my words. I had to try again.

"Please, Carmine. I know I hurt you and I hurt our family. Ruben had to pay the price for what I did. I paid a terrible price as well, but that was only right. I was guilty, not you. I can't forgive myself for what I did to you and the price you had to pay for it. I'll never forgive myself."

"Nancy, you must forgive yourself. I was the one that failed you and Ruben. I should have stayed and faced you and worked with you to save our family. Maybe it wouldn't have worked and we would have separated anyway. Perhaps that was what was needed. But I didn't. I took a bat and tried to kill a man instead of working within the laws of reason to find a better way.

"And what I said about the papers was true. I spared you and Ruben the humiliation of a trial. A trial that would have had to happen once that man recovered. And they would have been vicious. Vicious to all of us. I couldn't let that happen to Ruben or even to you. And please, Nan, forgive yourself. I have forgiven you. I have even learned to forgive myself for what I did."

I looked into his eyes and I believed him. He had forgiven me and himself and he was at peace with what happened. But now a new thought occurred to me. How did he feel about me? Was that selfish? Was that thought not worthy of me at that time? He was here to see his son, not me. I knew that. But the thought nagged at me and I searched my heart for the courage to ask.

"Carmine, can I say something to you now. Something that you may rather not hear?"

Carmine looked at me with a smile and nodded his head. "Say anything, Nan, and I'll listen. And I'll try to answer any questions you may have."

"I still love you as much as I did before, Carmine. I never stopped and there has never been anyone else for me before or since. Hugo had nothing to do with my love for you. You can believe that."

And now for the real question. Carmine was just watching me, his eyes giving nothing away. I had to ask.

"Can I ask how you feel about me, Carmine?"

Carmine continued to look at me, his eyes giving away nothing. As I began to fidget, nervously awaiting his answer, he rose and walked toward the window looking out toward the street. He began, his back to me and his posture reflecting a sort of firmness. Maybe he was about to tell me that he no longer had any feelings for me. Well, I wouldn't be surprised and I wouldn't blame him. But that's not what he said.

"Nancy, how I feel is rather complicated. I never stopped loving you or Ruben when I made my decision to go to jail. I did that for the reasons I gave you. I believed I was doing the right thing for us as a family. I did that out of love for both of you. You have to understand that.

"But, at the same time, even though I took responsibility for putting you in a position to cheat on me, I still fail to understand why you did that. I have finally found peace with myself and with your actions, but the pain took a long time to heal. I needed that time and so did you. So, in my own mind, our marriage had to end. It was time. The conditions were not going to change and what happened was inevitable."

"No, Carmine, no! I did something that I still can't explain to you. I was the one that betrayed you and our family. It was me, Carmine, and only me. I know how you feel about what you did, but you have to see it was my actions that put you into that situation. You would never hurt anyone! Never! You were so tired and your mind was so fatigued that when you saw me betraying you, you just snapped. That was all my fault and mine alone! That situation will never happen again! Never!"

Carmine was shaking his head but he did turn and look at me again. His eyes were filled with tears that he refused to shed. I felt a need to go to him and take him into my arms and just hold him, but I was terrified to move. Not fear of Carmine, but fear of his reaction. I couldn't bear to have him reject me. That would kill me.

"No, Nan, our marriage had to end. We had grown apart, with my hours and you hating to be alone. Ruben was all that was holding us together then. I was so into my work at the hospital that I often failed to think of either of you until I was on my way home. To me, that was wrong. You and Ruben should have been my first priority always. My job should have been only that; a job. I've come to understand that and now I'm doing what I should have been doing before. I work at a job I like, but the job is not my life."

"But where does that leave us, Carmine? What do we do now? Just see each other when you come to see Ruben or when I come to get him? After all we were to each other, is that all that's left? I can't believe that Carmine. I just can't."

"You and I are two different people now Nan. How do we know how we'll feel after a while. You are remembering me as I was. I'm no longer the same man. I've learned things no civilized man should know and I sometimes react in inappropriate ways. I can be dangerous to those around me. I have to remember every day that I'm free to do as I wish. That is an awesome responsibility for someone who never had to face restrictions and responsibilities. I always had it easy, and when it came time to act responsibly and do the right thing, I almost killed a man without thinking. I should have been thinking about you and Ruben and my responsibilities and I failed you."

"Carmine, you have been around others who also failed and you now believe that you will fail again. I don't believe that. You've changed, Carmine, I can see it in your eyes. You're the same man I knew and loved and that hasn't changed. You may think different but I know better. You weren't in your right mind when you did the things you did.

"And as for Ruben and me, you never failed us. I certainly did and that is the truth, but not you. You were doing what you loved and when someone needed you, you went. I should have honored my vows to you to remain faithful and I didn't. To this day, I don't know why other than letting myself drink too much when with another man who turned out to be a predator. That was my failing, Carmine, not yours.

"And just so you know, Carmine, Hugo promised to come after you when you got out. He was talking about civil court and suing you for all he could get. That's another thing for which I'm responsible. So you see, you didn't fail us; I did."

Carmine and I talked for the rest of the evening, until Ruben came back. We resolved nothing but we did begin to understand each other better. It was strange, partly because at times it seemed so natural for him to be sitting there talking to me. At other times, the differences between the man he was and was now came through. I found the new Carmine to be as wonderful as the older version but that was because I still loved the memory. Carmine was trying to make me see that.

Carmine and Ruben spent another hour together, talking about what they had been doing and it was wonderful to see the bond that still existed between father and son. For some reason, that hit me harder than anything, knowing I was responsible for breaking that bond in the first place. But at least it wasn't a permanent thing. Ruben finally began to show his age as his eyes began to close in spite of his protestations that he wasn't tired. I knew he had not slept last night and it was catching up with him now. Carmine saw it as well and urged Ruben to go to bed. He promised that he would still be around for the next few days. Ruben finally left, grinning after Carmine hugged him and I kissed his cheek.