Chapter 10: Nancy

I was not much good all day today as I tried to put everything but my job out of my mind. It was not much use, since all I could think of was Ruben and his father. I knew this was a good thing for Ruben, and I knew that Carmine needed to see his son. I had no problem with that and I was being honest when I said I would trust Ruben's life to Carmine. Carmine would never do anything to cause pain for Ruben. Even going to prison was to spare him the pain of seeing his father in jail. Carmine told me that and I believed him. He gave up his freedom partly to spare his son.

I looked again at the clock and saw that I had a little over an hour to go. I knew that they were together now, probably sitting at home and catching up on the past. Ruben had so much he wanted to tell his father and so many things a son wanted to ask of his father. I was almost finished with the Labrador that I was working on, giving him a flea dip, trimming his coat and cutting his nails. He was a sweetheart of a dog and his patience was amazing. He just let me do as I wished and never gave me any problems. I was talking to him as I worked and I believe he knew what I was saying. That was more than I could claim. As I put him in his holding cage until his master picked him up, I once again looked at the clock and saw that my time was up. I could go home and face my demons.

I washed up, changed out of my smock and put on my jacket. All routine things, and all mechanical. I said my goodbyes and headed out to drive the short distance home. It was time to face Carmine for the first time since he saw me with Hugo. I remembered that day so clearly. I tried over the years to forget it but I had no luck. I couldn't get Carmine's eyes out of my head! That look of pain and betrayal! God! Why couldn't I forget it? After what it cost me, why was it still haunting me?

I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I was almost unaware of where I was until I pulled into my driveway. The first thing I noticed was the red pickup truck sitting there. Carmine's? It had to be. Carmine with a pickup truck. Funny thing was that I could almost remember a time when Carmine had talked about owning a truck. Was that a memory? I believed it was. I turned off the ignition, got my purse and jacket and sat there in my car, trying to get up the courage to go inside.

For the first time, I realized that I hadn't thought to fix anything ahead of time for dinner. Should I have stopped for take-out? Should I have fixed something? What did Carmine like now? Had his tastes changed sine he was on his own? I shook my head and decided that I was just stalling, looking for any reason to not go inside my own home.

I walked slowly to my door, used my key to open it and walked in, dropping my keys and my jacket where I always did. I was hesitating; afraid to look up and see him standing there. How did I know he would be standing? He always stood when I came into the house. Always! He always did it at home. If I had been out and he was home, he would stand when I opened the door and came in. It was Carmine's way.

I took a deep breath and looked up. He was standing there, in the doorway to the kitchen where he and Ruben had been sitting. I looked into his eyes and I saw my Carmine. He was still there! I don't know what I was expecting, but what I saw was my Carmine. Not the same man he was before, no, there were changes now. I saw that there was less happiness in his eyes; I saw a hint of pain, but a different kind of pain; I saw no sign of the spontaneity or the amusement that I had loved. They were no longer part of this new Carmine. No, Carmine was here but he had changed. Only time would tell if those changes were permanent and if they were for the better.

I was just about to say something; anything to break the silence between us when the doorbell rang. I was so startled that I almost screamed out loud when Ruben said, "That's the pizza dad ordered. Can you let him in, mom?"