Chapter 80

"It's difficult to know where to begin," Mark said.

Victoria grinned. "I could quote Lewis Carol at you," she said.

Mark smiled back. "All right," he said. "I'll start at the beginning."

He paused and then started. "The explosion, even though somewhat expected, was still a huge shock. There was also a screaming pain in my leg. There was also a panicky feeling of not being able to do anything. And then bang. I hit my head and knew and felt nothing until you were there holding my hand and talking to me. I can't tell you how wonderful that was and I was terrified I was dreaming."

They smiled at each other.

"The second time I came to and you told me what had happened it all came back to me and I started to feel guilty on two counts: first that I had, at least indirectly, been responsible for Hudson's death, second, and this was the big one, that I should have refused to obey Robert and then physically restrained him if he had been so foolhardy as to lead the platoon himself."

Victoria nodded. She was not going to disturb his train of thought.

"Despite everything that the CO, James, Corporal Skinner and the lads in Benghazi said that guilt persisted. The kind and understanding letter I had back from Hudson's parents helped a lot but the main guilt persisted. The Board of Inquiry exonerating me also helped but then the Defending Officer at the Court Martial confirmed what I still felt."

"What exactly did he say?"

"He said, 'I put it to you that your Commanding Officer had tasked you with preventing Major Johnson from doing something dangerous.'

"Yes," I answered.

"To which he said, 'and you failed to do so.'

"I said yes again and he very pointedly said, 'I have no further questions.' He had a go at the CO on the same subject and Colonel Peter came out strongly in support of me. But he had said the same thing as I thought and it reinforced it."

"Darling, I think that's awful."

"It was but he was only doing his job. He knew Robert was guilty of both charges but was trying to produce excuses or mitigating circumstances.

"So that's how it went on and this nagging feeling of guilt sapped my energy and I just didn't want to do anything even with you who never stopped being loving and patient. Then I got another thing to be miserable about."

"What was that?"

"That in my short time in the Army I had caused the end of two officers' careers. Serena took me to task on that. She got me to admit I didn't have any regrets about Fitzmaurice and then argued me round on Robert when I said I felt I had kicked him when he was down. She pooh-poohed that by saying that he was down when I arrived in Benghazi and that it was entirely his drinking that had caused Janet to leave him. Then, in addition to all that, I blamed myself for Peter Instead being removed from command early. That wonderful letter from your father did much to assuage that."

Victoria nodded in agreement.

"Anyway the original guilt feeling was still there and I was trying to come to terms with it. Furthermore, despite Serena, I still had this feeling about messing up two officers' careers. However she had got me thinking and I slowly began to realise that our logical mind can rationalize anything when we are in mental pain. We're each the centre of our own universe and we want to take the one thread that connects us to some horrific event and construct a chain that puts us at fault for what has happened. There is just enough truth in that to make it seem logical. (Author's note. This paragraph was lifted almost verbatim, but with his permission, from JimWar's Wally World Delight. I am most grateful to him.)

"When you came in with those photos I realised that I had been quite right in ruining that beggar's career and that made me realise in a flash that what I'd been doing was indeed using one thread to make that chain. I think too that the inner fury and shock that Fitzmaurice was still out to harm us wiped out the shock of the explosion. I'm sure you can't go through something like that without it having some effect on your mind if only temporarily. Does that all make sense?"

"Yes, darling, it does. Thank you for telling me. It's made me understand better the inner torment you've been going through and I'm jolly glad you didn't hit the bottle like a certain somebody."

Mark reached across the table for her hand. "And I didn't bash you up either," he said. "If I'd done that I'd never have been able to live with myself."

"So what are you going to do with Toby? I can't believe that he's in this willingly. I think he's quite keen on Serena and I wouldn't want to mess that up."

"Oh, he is, is he? Maybe I ought to become the heavy brother."

"Don't you dare!"

Mark chuckled, delighted at the rise he had got out of her. "No, darling, I won't. The couple of times I've met him he seemed a reasonable chap. I thought that what I'd do is face him with the letters and photos and ask him for an explanation. We may even be able to get him on our side and get him to lead us to Fitzmaurice."

"What'll you do then?"

"Try to get Fitzmaurice to incriminate himself further. In the meanwhile I'm going to have a word with Dad. He's a buddy of the Chief Constable and I hope I can get the police involved in a supporting role. The one thing that has me worried is that I might need to use you as bait."

"Don't worry about that one bit. He's not going to be able to hurt me."

"I hope not and will do my best to make sure he doesn't."

"Darling, I must go. I've got a girl coming at twelve for an hour of jumping."

"Is she good?"

"No, but she thinks she is. Would you like to walk Patch?"

"Of course."

Mark was delighted that Patch walked without a limp. He held a loose halter as they plodded round the paddock. Mark talked as he walked. Patch seemed to respond with puffs and nudges. Mark had never been so close to him and he marvelled at this horse's sensitivity to humans. No wonder Victoria loved him so much.

At one stage Mark exploded with "Bloody Fitzmaurice!" Patch snorted. Was it a reply or was it a reprimand for swearing? If nothing else it made Mark laugh which caused Patch to toss his head. He reported this later to Victoria who laughed.

"He's a great conversationalist," she said.

Mark collared David as he got up from the table at lunchtime.

"Could you spare me twenty minutes or half an hour, Dad?" he asked.

"Of course," said David. "How can I help?"

"Well, Dad, I don't know how much you've heard but that bloody Fitzmaurice is after us again."

"Ah! The photographer?"

"Yes."

"So?"

Mark told him the story.

"So what do you want me to do?"

"I've got enough on him from the original to take him to court for attempted rape, doctoring someone's drink and, in addition, I've got written evidence of his threatening me and by implication Victoria."