Chapter 78

They were back at Craig Hill by this time. Elspeth would not hear of them moving out until Mark was fit enough to work round the farm.

"It would be nonsense in his present frame of mind," she said to Victoria. "He'd just sit and mope. He needs to have us all around him from time to time. And don't you think you've got to wait on him hand and foot. I can help him with his exercises and walking."

"Bless you, Mum, but I need to have a hand in these things too."

"Yes, darling, but you also need to be with Serena. You've both got a fledgling business to run."

Indeed they did. The new looseboxes had been built and there was the need to get new horses and ponies. In addition, they had to raise bank loans to support their buying and they had to advertise. It was not as though they were the only riding stables in the area. After all, there was the well established one at Burton Leonard where Serena had worked. Much against Victoria's sense of modesty, they used her wins at Cowdray to the maximum. It worked and people began to come to them. During the week it was mostly children and then during term time only in the evenings. Weekends saw more grown-ups who either just wanted to hack or who wanted basic tuition. The timetable allowed Victoria to train Patch both for steeplechase and also show-jumping. "Blow dressage," said Victoria. "It would be a total indignity for this chap. Poncing around. Pooh!"

They also took on a vet who both girls liked, Toby Weatherspoon. He clearly knew his job and was particularly good with horses.

Mark, to his credit, worked hard at his physical recovery but was still moody and listless. He would snap at Victoria which was something he had never done before. Conversation was hard work with him and he would turn it to moaning about himself. Their sex life had become mechanical, its spontaneity lost. Lovemaking had become sexual intercourse. Mark came but Victoria rarely because he could not be bothered with foreplay and merely rutted.

Rupert, now in Libya with the battalion, felt Victoria's emptiness and despair and, although writing comfortingly, could give no other help. It was he who reminded her of her nightmare. "It was horrible and frightening while it lasted," he wrote, "but remember you woke up in the arms of the real Mark. I cannot say how long this nightmare is going last but I am quite sure he will come to his senses and become his own loving, sweet self again."

Serena felt Mark's misery and it pulled her down but she could think of no way to restore him to his normal self.

"I'd like to smack him," she said. "He's just wallowing in guilt and self-pity which is totally unnecessary."

"I know how you feel," said Victoria ruefully, "but that course of action was the one I was warned off."

"Why not remind him of the nightmare and see if that snaps him out of it?"

Victoria shook her head. "In his present state of mind that would push him further down."

"I haven't got any answers either," said Elspeth. "It seems that what he considers unnecessary death, like Nicholas's and now Hudson's, upsets him deeply. He got over Nicholas's but he was a young boy and healing comes more quickly. This looks likely to take a bit longer. I have a feeling that something outside our control will happen to snap him out of it."

"The sooner the better," said Serena sharply.

Victoria just smiled wistfully.

David was equally at a loss. He had seen men change during the war after some particularly gruelling experience but had no idea what to do about it. His feeling was that Mark would get over it but he had no idea when or how to hasten it.

Serena was not to be put off though. Nevertheless she bided her time and in mid-May, after six months, she could bear it no longer. The whole family had been pulled down. Victoria was skin and bones and utterly exhausted. Serena tackled Mark one mid-morning while he was still sitting at the breakfast table staring at an unopened newspaper.

She stroked a hand over his shoulders before she sat down across the corner of the table from him. She rested her hand on his.

"Mark, my sweet, you're making me very unhappy."

Mark looked at her unfeelingly. "You're not alone," he said.

"It's your unhappiness that I feel though rather than any you may cause."

Mark looked at her. "Explain," he said tersely.

"Mark, darling, you know how we have this sort of empathy almost like twins but I feel it more than you."

"So?"

"Remember when Victoria was frightened of making love to you the first time?"

Mark nodded.

"Well, you put on a good show but I felt your disappointment and your wondering why."

Mark nodded again. "So?"

"So now I'm feeling your lowness and misery. I want to try and help if only for selfish reasons."

"I can't help that."

"Are you still feeling guilt?"

"No, not really. After all I was exonerated by the Board of Inquiry and coped with the Court Martial. Then Peter Instead and James insisted it was not my fault. Add to that the support I got from the lads in the company when I went back for the Court Martial."

"So what is it then?"

"I'm not sure. I think the shock has a certain amount to do with it. The unnecessary death of Hudson is probably another factor. Bit like Nicholas. And then I've had a hand in ruining a second officer's career not to mention causing Peter Instead to lose his command prematurely."

"Can I go through all four as I see them?"

"Yeah," said Mark almost disinterestedly.

Serena took a deep breath. She knew she was chancing her arm and that Mark might explode with anger and resentment.

"Let's take unnecessary death first," she said. "I agree with you but it happens all the time: people getting heart attacks in their mid-thirties, knocked down by a car, early cancer."

"OK. You could put Nicholas's death in that category but not Hudson's. That was the result of a foolish decision."