Chapter 44

"Now then," said Serena. "You first. You're the important one."

"I haven't brought much with me," said Victoria, "because I didn't think we'd be dressing up, but I did bring my emergency number."

"What's that?"

"My 'little black dress'"

"Perfect. Show me."

Victoria unpacked all her things and Serena helped her put them away. She held up Victoria's dress.

"Just the job," she said, "but it needs pressing."

She led Victoria out onto the landing and pulled the ironing board and iron out of the airing cupboard. She rummaged around and found a bit of an old sheet and went off to the bathroom to dampen it.

"There you are, love. Get going."

Victoria plugged in the iron and waited for it to heat up.

"Serena," she said timorously, "you're probably going to be furious with me. I wouldn't let Mark make love to me last night."

"So I gather. I prised it out of Mark. I'm surprised but it's not the end of the world and I'm not furious. I just wonder why." She paused. "Can I help?"

Victoria took a deep breath. All she wanted to do was cry on Serena's shoulder but she was not, not, not, going to do that.

"I don't know," she said. "I made all the running. Mark was quite firm about not going all the way before we got engaged and then wanted to wait until the setting was right. I told him I wasn't going to wait long and he promised I wouldn't have to. I made the plan for us to do it last night after a lovely dinner and in the spare room double bed with no one to hear us and make snide comments the next morning. Mark agreed. We had a lovely dinner and then on the way home I just started to get frightened and couldn't go through with it. Serena, I love him so much and then I let him down. Why, why, why?"

"What frightened you? Did you think you might get hurt?"

"No. Mark would never do that and it's not as though I've got a hymen to bust. Riding took care of that ages ago."

"Were you frightened you might not be good enough?"

Victoria stared at her. "Not consciously," she said slowly, "but that might have been it. I sort of rationalised it that I would be giving something to Mark which would make me permanently his and which I could never take back."

"But you've already given yourself to him; mind, body and soul, haven't you."

Victoria nodded.

"And you're not thinking of taking any part of it back?"

Victoria shook her head vehemently.

"You're still as much in love with him as when you agreed to marry him, aren't you?"

"More. It hurts when he's not there."

"So there's nothing more to give him. You've already given him your fanny as part of your body."

"I suppose I have. So all that rationalisation was a load of self-deceptive rubbish."

Serena smiled at her. "That's one way of putting it," she said. "I think I may have hit it right the first time: frightened of not being good enough."

"But why should I think that? I've made him come. He's made me come, sometimes almost by just looking at me, so where's the problem?"

"You tell me. Were you worried he might be too big for you and not be able to put it in and be disappointed or angry?"

"Oh God!" exclaimed Victoria. "I think you've got it. I measured it with my hand and thought it'd reach my tummy button."

"Where did you measure it?"

"From his balls to the tip."

"Wrong side. The other side is shorter and that's the side that's stopped by your body. What about thickness?"

"I was fussed by that too."

"There's no need to be. If you can expand enough to let a baby's head through he'll be no problem at all. Come on. If you go on pressing that dress the front's going to come through the back."

They put the iron and the board away. Serena crooked a finger and led Victoria to her own room. She opened her bedside table drawer and pulled out a large carrot.

"He's not as big as that, is he?"

Victoria shook her head, staring wide-eyed at the carrot, before getting the giggles.

"Well I can get that in me," went on Serena without batting an eyelid. "I used it last night in envy of you two. And don't worry. I washed it off afterwards."

"But you're bigger than me."

"True but I don't think you'd have a problem. Would you like to borrow it?"

"May I really?"

"Of course. Do you want some jelly too in case you can't get wet enough?"

"Yes, please," Victoria whispered.

"You probably haven't got time now but you'll be able to have a lovely time after you've tucked him in tonight." Serena grinned wickedly.

Victoria got the giggles. "I might use it before I go to tuck him in and then dare him."

Serena laughed too. "That's more like the Victoria I know," she said and gave her a hug.