Chapter 42

They had a blissful evening. It was warm and they were able to sit outside the pub again while they had their pre-dinner drinks. They were recognised by a number of the locals and enjoyed chatting with them. Victoria chose the venison as well and they shared a bottle of a pleasant red wine. As ever their own conversation was almost without pause but underlying it was their knowledge of what was to come next. As a result their drive home was silent. Victoria's hand was on Mark's thigh once again but he noticed the tremble in it and she was aware of the rigidity of his muscle. Each of them was too pent up to comment.

Victoria waited while Mark put the car in the garage. He did not see her wringing her hands. She did not see him take a deep breath before he got out of the car.

His flat door was nearest so they went in through that and walked silently through the house and up the stairs. Victoria led him to the spare room which the Braithwaites had shared. That's when she lost her aplomb. She dropped his hand and looked down at her feet.

Mark put his hand under her chin and raised it so that he could look into her eyes. They showed fear.

"Darling," he said softly. "We don't have to do this now. If you say so I'll kiss you goodnight and go to my own bed. There's absolutely no rush."

She came into his arms and he held her tight kissing the top of her head.

She looked up at him, her eyes beseeching him to give her the answer. What answer she did not know.

"Darling," he said. "Losing your virginity is a big, big step and I'm not going to rush you. This is what you said you wanted yesterday but if you want to wait longer I'm happy. I'm going to have a lifetime to make love to you and I promise you that once I start it's going to go on. It's just that we don't have to start tonight. If you want, I'll wait until we're married."

"Oh God!" she said. "I'm being so wet."

"No you're not. You're being entirely reasonable and the last thing I ever want to do is frighten you or worry you."

She hugged him tighter. "Could we just go to my room and have a cuddle and things like we usually do?"

"Yes, darling, of course we can."

Hand in hand they went to Victoria's room and he could feel the tension draining out of her through her hand.

She turned to him with a shy smile. "Last one in bed's a rotten egg," she whispered.

There was a flurry of movement and they both dived for the bed simultaneously. They had both kept their pants on. Mark put his arms round her and Victoria pressed against him.

"Darling? Mark? Are you cross with me?"

"No, my precious. Rather proud of you."

"Proud?"

"Yes, because you've been true to yourself. You felt you weren't ready and had the courage to say so."

Victoria clutched him. "I am happy again," she said musingly, "and yet I'm not. As I said, I felt almost bereft while you were away and now, particularly with you holding me, I feel loved and secure again and so, so happy. But I feel I'm letting you down. After all it was me who suggested making love tonight, having put pressure on you before, and now I duck out. And that's what makes me unhappy. I feel I've let you down."

"No, my sweet. You haven't. You just aren't ready to go the whole way, even though a lot of you wants to. I'm not going to hold that against you. As I said I respect you for it. So, just be happy and don't get yourself in a tizz about it. I can live without making love to you for the time being but I can't live without you."

"Thank you, darling." She snuggled even closer to him if that were possible and they both fell asleep.

Mark woke some hours later. Her hand was gently stroking his chest. It crept up to his face, traced his lips his nose and his eyes and then moved to his ears before coming back to caress his cheek.

"Oh, Mark, my darling, I love you so much," she whispered. "I couldn't live without you." There was a catch in her breath like a small sob. "Please don't hold it against me that I couldn't go through with it this evening. Please, please, my darling."

Mark could not bear this self-agonising any longer but felt that he could do no better than to continue to feign sleep. He muttered unintelligibly which caused Victoria to move back. He moved about restlessly, managing to turn her on her side with her back towards him. He snuggled up to her making contented grunts and then cupped her breast. He let out a long sigh.

"Mmm," he mumbled. "Love you, love you, love you. Don't need to make love. Love you anyway." He paused and squeezed her gently. "My darling, precious love." Another squeeze and he let his hand relax.

Victoria began to shake. He pretended to wake.

"What's the matter, darling?"

She turned and clung to him. "Nothing! Nothing! I just love you so much." She kissed him frantically.

"Tell me, darling."

"I am doing. It's nothing." She continued to writhe against him and kiss him frenziedly.

"Yes there is. Are you still in a state because we didn't make love?"

There was a long silence and her kissing petered out.

"Yes," she gasped.

"You mustn't be. Really you mustn't be. The important thing is that we love each other and, as you said, we can hardly bear to be apart. We don't have to make sexual love yet. We really, really don't because we're making love, real love, to each other all the time. Yes, darling, I do look forward to making sexual love to you but I can live without it if I can spend the rest of my time with you. I promise you I'm telling you the truth and I don't love you any the less for holding back."