Chapter 8: Control

NOVEMBER 2001, SENIOR YEAR

"Ben! Ben!"

I awoke on Monday morning to find my mom shaking me.

"Wake up! You're going to be late for school!"

Groaning, I managed to pry my eyelids open, feeling the tug of my eye boogers trying to weld them shut. Automatically, I rolled in bed and peeked with one eye to my clock, noting the hour. "Ah, shit."

"Watch your language, young man," Mom scolded.

"Yes'm," I nodded and started doing a pushup to lift myself off the bed. Mom sighed and then left the room. And the instant the door closed my arms collapsed, dropping me back down to the mattress where I rolled to the side and reached my arms out, miming the act of spooning behind Dawn.

My arms ached, not from weariness but because Dawn wasn't there anymore. For the past two nights I'd gotten to hold her, fall asleep with her fragrance in my nostrils. And now I didn't know if I'd ever get to do it again.

She promised we'd be together again. I wanted to believe her. But this morning, all alone and hundreds of miles away while she was doing who knew what with Ryan, it was hard to believe.

I sniffled away the first few tears that started rolling down my cheeks; I wasn't a crier. And then slowly picking myself up and out of bed, I got ready for school.

"So how was your date with Kenta?" I asked Brooke on the drive to school. I hadn't been in a talking mood after flying home last night, pretty much eating dinner and then secluding myself in my room, thinking about Dawn until I passed out.

My little sister blushed beet red, a naughty little smile on her face. "Promise you won't be mad?"

I knew. I gave her a warm smile and asked, "Did you two have sex?"

"Yeah..." Brooke sighed happily, practically melting into her seat. "It was beautiful..."

I reached out and patted her knee. "I'm happy for you." A sudden wave of emotion seized me, and I sniffled and started fighting back the next set of tears that started rolling down my cheek. It was the cosmic circle of life. One relationship dies, and another springs up somewhere else. "Real happy for you..."

"Ben?" Brooke keyed in on my emotional state. She'd probably seen me cry perhaps twice in her entire memory. Her voice suddenly became concerned. "Ben, what's wrong? Are you upset that I'm dating someone else? Ben, I really don't mean to hurt you. You know-"

"No, no," I interrupted and wiped away the tear. "It's not about you. Really, Brooke. I'm happy for you. You just make damn sure he respects you more than Perry did, understand?"

"I know. I learned from that mistake. Besides, I've already slept with him. What more can he pressure me for?"

I sighed, "You'd be surprised."

"Ben, what's wrong?" My bratty little sister had never sounded to sympathetic before. "Did something happen with you and Dawn over the weekend?"

I winced and shook so hard that Brooke shrieked when I suddenly jerked the wheel and pulled over to the curb, concentrating just long enough to put the car in park and turn on the flashers before breaking down in terrible, wracking sobs. I folded my arms over the top of the steering wheel and put my head down, unable to stop myself from shaking and sobbing like a little baby.

After a minute or two I realized that Brooke was gently stroking my back. I really didn't want to hear any hollow platitudes or encouragements that it would be alright. But Brooke didn't offer any. Instead, in a quiet, plaintive voice she whimpered, "Ben, you're scaring me. What's wrong?"

The sound of my little sister's frightened voice snapped me out of my mini-funk. The big brother protective instinct kicked in and I sat up quickly, taking a deep breath and then letting out a very long, long exhalation while wiping my eyes. "Uh, sorry, sorry."

"Ben, did you and Dawn break up?"

"Yeah," I sighed and gritted my teeth, willing myself not to start crying again.

"Why? Doesn't she love you?"

"Yeah, yeah, she does."

"Did you do something stupid again?"

"No!" I rolled my eyes and shot daggers at Brooke. But then I thought of giving Dawn up. That WAS pretty stupid, wasn't it? "Well ... I mean, no, I didn't cheat or go behind her back or do anything like that. But..." I took a deep breath. "I let her go. She was miserable without me and craving some attention. We both have been. Spending this much time apart has been really hard."

"Oh," Brooke said quietly and digested that.

"So we decided to take a break for the rest of the year and then see how things are going next summer. The plan is to get back together then."

Brooke blinked rapidly. "But what if things change? What if you fall in love with other people?"

My jaw started quivering and my tear ducts threatened to start pouring once again. Almost shivering, I managed to croak, "That's what I'm afraid of."

After a few more minutes of Brooke talking me down, I managed to pull things together enough to get us to school. But the delay on the side of the road coupled with my late start in the morning meant we'd have to rush to get to class on time. I dropped off Brooke at the curb and then headed for the very back of the student parking lot. Then I had to sprint to my first period.

Adrienne came and found me during the morning break after second period. She took one look at me and then practically vaulted herself into my arms. Hugging me fiercely, she cooed, "Ben! There you are!"

Still in pain and feeling lonely after losing Dawn, I practically melted into Adrienne's embrace. It felt SOOO good to be hugged like this and I felt my eyes threatening to tear up again. I moaned in mixed sadness and relief and clutched Adrienne tightly. She hummed happily feeling how hard I was squeezing her back.

"Aww, you miss me, Ben?" she said brightly, her cheek pressed to mine as she looked over my shoulder.

I just sniffled and nodded my head yes.

Adrienne giggled. "Or maybe you'd like to pick up right where we left off?"

The flirty musicality of her voice reminded me of just where we'd left off, the last time I'd seen Adrienne. It had just been the past Thursday, after Thanksgiving Dinner. Arousal and desire had led us into bed together where Adrienne offered me everything. And while I hadn't gone so far as to have sex with her, she'd blown me to orgasm and then I'd eaten her out to two of her own before sending her away. The prospect of sex did excite me, but the whole memory reminded me of how I'd been saving myself for Dawn. And the memory of Dawn was NOT helping my emotional mood.

Still giggling, Adrienne started to pull herself back. "Mmm ... maybe we can take advantage of-" Her voice abruptly cut off as she saw my face. "Ben? Are you okay? What's wrong?" she asked in an anxious tone.

I furrowed my eyebrows and sighed.

Adrienne intuitively figured it out. Men are pretty simple creatures. There are only so many things that can affect us emotionally this way. And like Brooke, Adrienne knew there was really only ONE thing that could affect me this way. "Did something happen with you and your girlfriend?"

I exhaled and looked at Adrienne intensely. For all the complications in our relationship, I did consider her a friend and truly, for the past several weeks, she'd been my closest friend. "Look, I'd rather this didn't get spread around."

"Okay."

I took a deep breath, looked Adrienne in the eye, and informed her, "Dawn and I decided to take a break. The long-distance thing was just too hard."

[gasp] [gasp]

The whoosh of air from off to my left caught my attention and I quickly turned to see Maddie Chung and Nadine Butler quickly walking away from us, whispering excitedly. They'd just overheard my statement and the gasps had come from them.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. This was high school. I was sure everyone would know soon enough.

At first I was afraid Adrienne would see my breakup with Dawn as a chance to re- start a relationship with me. But somewhat unexpectedly, she didn't make any moves and instead actually toned down her flirting with me. That break, she walked me to my next class. At lunch, she kept her mouth shut when my other friends asked why I was in a funky mood. And after school, she followed me home, walked me into my bedroom, and then ordered me to vent all my emotions.

At first I felt a little weird about it. After all, it's not often a guy talks out his relationship problems with an ex-girlfriend. Actually, most guys don't talk about their relationship problems with anyone. I was Kenny's best friend and we'd never had a single deep conversation about love or romance. But I actually had done some confessing before, with Keira. And after a herky-jerky start, I started to spill to Adrienne.

She already knew about some of my relationship issues with Dawn. Before, I'd explained our background and history and even told her that we'd agreed to an open relationship. But now I vented to Adrienne about the long-distance loneliness and the lack of a constant physical presence. I explained about how Dawn was getting a lot of male attention and there was a really good guy pursuing her. And I talked about giving Dawn the chance to explore a real relationship with someone other than me. I was breaking up with her because I loved her so much and because she clearly had feelings for this guy. And now I was paying the price.

Initially, I planned to hold back a bit. Some of the details were private, things that Adrienne didn't really need to know. But as time went on and on and Adrienne alternated listening attentively and asking insightful questions, I found myself just letting loose and spilling everything.

I even talked about Adrienne to Adrienne herself, explaining how I still had feelings for her and was supremely attracted to her, but that I didn't want to hurt her because I couldn't give her the relationship she wanted. Barely a day removed from my Dawn, I was still in love with my now ex-girlfriend.

And when it was all over, my emotions drained, I sighed with great relief. I'd released all my bottled-up pain.

"Feel better?" Adrienne asked.

"Yeah, actually. Thanks, A.D." I sighed.

A little smile came to Adrienne's face. Her eyes popped open in wonder and I watched her cheeks rising upwards as the smile became a full-blown grin.

"What?" I queried in confusion.

Adrienne giggled. "You just called me A.D."

My eyes popped open. My association with the nickname was that of "All-Day Adrienne," which was somewhat derogatorily sexual. "Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"No, no. I like it, Ben. I mean, I know the way some people use it but my closest friends call me A.D." She smiled. "Candy, Mizu, Lynne, the rest. I liked hearing you say it. It means you're finally thinking of me as a real friend."

"I do," I said earnestly. I looked down nervously, thinking of some of the other things I'd just admitted to her, specifically my attraction. "I, uh, I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable with some of the things I said about you."

Adrienne laughed and waved me off. "No, no, don't worry about it. If you weren't still physically attracted to me it'd hurt my feelings. You're a guy. The sexual tension stuff is inevitable." The gorgeous blonde ran her own hands across her boner-inducing body with a little grin. Then she sighed and then looked down. "Besides, you've still got to deal with me being a little in love with you."

I bit my lip and raised my eyebrows. "Yeah, about that. Adrienne, I'm sooo not ready to-"

"I know," she interrupted.

I paused and then started again, "I could really just use a friend right now."

"And I want to be your friend, Ben. Really." She smiled, reaching over and squeezing my hand.

I smiled, turning my hand over and squeezing back. "Thanks, A.D."

That evening, I told my family that Dawn and I had decided to take a break. The twins were suitably saddened but immediately perked up when I told them the plan was to get together again in the summer. They instantly dismissed the whole breakup thing as 'typical' since in their minds, Dawn and I broke up and got back together EVERY summer as it was. According to the twins, we'd been dating off and on since we were their age. And I had to admit, their point of view and relaxed attitude about the situation encouraged me that things would be alright in the end.

Brooke, of course, already knew. But to my surprise, so did my parents. Dawn had told her mom who of course told my mom, who then told my dad. The three of them were mildly saddened. But Mom was pragmatic about it all, saying that we WERE only seventeen and that it wasn't like Dawn and I wouldn't be friends forever. She said it was probably for the best that we both stretch our wings a bit before settling down.

Buoyed by my family's encouragement, Tuesday I was a little less depressed, although still not yet at my usual level of sociability. However, word of my breakup with Dawn HAD gotten out amongst my classmates.

One time, I was coming out of the bathroom when I overheard two Senior-class girls chatting next to a trash can. "Guess who's back in circulation?" Girl One giggled with her back to me.

Girl Two gave her a blank look and Girl One exclaimed in a whispered, excited voice, "Ben --!"

The sound of my name got my attention and I turned my head sharply, arching one eyebrow. Girl Two saw me and her eyes got real big.

Girl One, oblivious to my presence kept chattering, "He broke up with his girlfriend from San Francisco or something and he's available again! He's sooo cute and you've heard the rumors about what he can do in the bedroom. I mean, he's not even dating Adrienne Dennis anymore but she's been following him around like a-"

"Hi, Ben!" Girl Two exclaimed as she suddenly stopped trying to shush her friend with hand gestures and stepped to the side to greet me.

Girl One just went rigidly still, her back to me while Girl Two fought to maintain a plastic smile.

I just grinned and said charmingly, "Ladies..." before continuing on my way. I had to admit, knowing the opinion of me in the hallways was nice. But I'd gotten used to not being bothered by random girls and in my current state of mourning for Dawn, I wasn't really looking forward to unwanted female attention. I'd rather just be left alone.

So for the rest of the day, I stayed close to my friends while radiating "Get the fuck away from me" signals to just about everyone else. My friends understood that I wasn't feeling my best, even though they'd never met Dawn and therefore couldn't really help me beyond the usual encouragements that I'd be alright. And it was Adrienne, of all people, who got them organized around me.

Adrienne explained that girls, in general, had a much more difficult time coming on to a guy when he had other girls with him. For example, girls wouldn't have a problem approaching me if I was walking around with Kenny. But no girl in school would try to come flirt with me while Adrienne was by my side. So while no formal 'rotation' or anything was set, Adrienne, Lynne, Heather, Megan, Cassidy, Stephanie, and the Sanders Twins went out of their way to hang around me or walk with me to class whenever it was more or less on the way. Even Elaine stuck around from time to time.

And between the girls' constant presence and my general attitude, I managed to keep from having anyone hit on me ... too much. All I wanted to do was go to class, eat my lunch, and go home.

And for a couple of weeks, that's all I did.

DECEMBER 2001, SENIOR YEAR

It was a Wednesday when I found myself alone during the morning break. Cassidy usually walked with me from second period to my crew's hangout spot, but Cameron called her cell phone and Freckles stepped over to a private area to chat with her boyfriend.

And so I was alone when I heard a flirty, "Heyyy, Ben," sound off to my left. I glanced over just in time to brace myself as a very pretty Asian girl bumped her hip into mine, knocking me off balance for a brief second. My eyes ran down her slender figure, almost curveless with narrow hips and an elongated torso. Flared jeans made her seem even skinnier and the skintight, pastel pink quarter-sleeved top hugged her almost toothpick arms. A long neck and dangling earrings highlighted the approach to her narrow face with high cheekbones. Her dark, lustrous hair was both silky and shimmery. And her big almond eyes with long eyelashes fixed engagingly on mine. At once she looked both delicate and beautiful.

"Hey, Maddie," I answered neutrally.

"You're looking good today. Much better than you've been the past couple of weeks or so."

I arched an eyebrow. "Is that a compliment or an insult?"

Maddie laughed musically and slapped my shoulder. "Just an observation." Her voice pitched lower as she said sincerely, "I heard about you and your girlfriend. I'm sorry."

I shrugged. "It's okay. We're still friends."

"That's good, that's good," she giggled and turned away from a moment, exposing a wide expanse of her neck, the creamy skin somehow very erotically enticing. I suppressed the desire to stare. In my two-plus weeks of Dawn- recovery, I hadn't had sex and barely masturbated, and as my heart started to get over the pain, my libido had begun to come alive again in fits and spurts.

"So how have you been holding up?" Maddie then looked back at me, smiling enigmatically. "Feeling lonely or were you kinda used to it with her out of town?"

"Kinda used to it, I guess. But yeah, it's still lonely," I darted my eyes over to her, wondering where this was going. In another minute I'd make it to my hangout spot and the rest of my friends.

But then Maddie abruptly stepped in front of me and turned around, stopping me in my tracks lest I run her over. She wrapped her arms around her own willowy body and smiled sweetly. "Look, tell me if it's just too soon, but a guy like you really doesn't have to be lonely. I'm sure there are more than a few girls here who would love to keep you company, Ben."

Coolly evaluating the pretty cheerleader's expression, I paused and looked her in the eye. "I just got out of a very serious relationship, Maddie. I'm really not ready to start dating again."

An engagingly predatory smile crossed Maddie's face. "Well, there are a few of us who don't mind skipping all that dating stuff, Ben. You know, Ben, maybe just a casual opportunity to release some tension would be good for you. Unclog the pipes as it were."

"Maddie..." My tone shifted uncomfortably.

"Hey, hey," she held a hand up and started to turn away, looking achingly graceful as she did. "No pressure. Just letting you know the offer's on the table. And if you ever, ah, feel like doing a little plumbing ... just let me know."

Arching an eyebrow, I just watched as Maddie turned and walked away. Damn she had a fine ass...

I'd already spent half the day fantasizing about Madeline Chung's fine ass, picturing her bent over my bed with her legs spread wide while I plunged my cock into her over and again. She had such long and slender limbs I started imagining what pretzel-like positions I could fold her into. I already knew from seeing her cheerleading that the girl was quite flexible and wondered if she could tuck her own legs back behind her shoulders while I gripped her hips and hammered her until she saw stars.

Then it was Nadine Butler's turn just after school ended. Clad in her skimpy white cheerleading outfit, the perky bottle-blonde Junior giggled and flirted a bit before making her rather obvious proposition. I had started to brush her off but then she giggled and added, "Or maybe Maddie and I can both visit you and the three of us can find a way to relax and unwind."

After two weeks of no sex, the husk in Nadine's tone had me sprouting an instant boner. Seriously, when did younger girls get so bold? I had to just stop and ask, "Really, Nadine, why me? If you came on like this to almost any guy in school you'd have them eating out of the palm of your hand."

Nadine grinned and giggled. "Maybe. But not every guy has your reputation for being the most incredible fuck in school, Ben. Adrienne, Mizuho, Donna, Summer ... Need I go on? You're a prize, Ben; and half the cheer squad wants to brag that they took a ride on the Ben Rollercoaster just once." By this point Nadine was very much in my personal space, her hand on my chest as she molded her body against mine, batting her eyes as she looked up at me. "So can I hop on for a ride? Would you want me in the front ... or in the back?" She grabbed my hand and moved my palm over her asscheeks.

I breathed shallowly, honestly considering her offer. It was just sex, no strings. I'd been there before. Just sex ... and it would feel so good. And in my emotional state, the release of orgasm sounded like a GREAT idea.

But I couldn't. A year ago, I probably would have just said, "What the hell?" and invited both Maddie and Nadine to my place to get frisky. But now I knew that no matter how casual we agreed things to be, sex always changed people. I'd have to see the girls again, at school, and who knew how they'd truly react around me for the rest of the year?

I put my hand on Nadine's shoulder and gently pressed, pushing her away from me. "Nadine..." My tone shifted uncomfortably.

"Hey, hey," she held a hand up and then dug out a piece of paper, a pink, origami-folded little square that she slipped into my pocket, her hands brushing over the bulge in my jeans a little carelessly. "Just call me sometime, okay?"

Then twirling around a full turn-and-a-half so that her cheer skirt raised high enough to show me her bloomers, Nadine spun and giggled. "See ya later, Ben."

Once I got home that Wednesday, I wound up staring at my bedroom wall for well over 30 minutes, completely unable to focus. I had a ton of homework in front of me, but every time I looked down and started to try and read or write, my mind would drift. I thought of Maddie and Nadine, willingly offering to take me for a ride just to experience the thrill. I thought of Dawn, wishing she were here with me. I thought of Adrienne, my omnipresent friend with great tits who constantly wore cleavage-baring shirts. And I even thought of Brooke, who was spending all her time being madly in love with her new boyfriend.

I hadn't had sex with anyone but myself since leaving Dawn that fateful Sunday. Two and a half weeks of celibacy had taken its toll on me, and my hands were jittery as if I had been starving for hours. I craved the feel of a girl's skin beneath my fingers. I hungered for the scent of a woman's arousal. And I was desperate to feel my cock spunking out a massive load deep into a sucking womb.

Last Wednesday during dinner, I'd found myself staring rather noticeably at Adrienne's cleavage. I was obvious enough, even in front of the twins, that Adrienne had surreptitiously fastened two additional buttons to remove her tits from view.

Twice in the past week, I'd caught myself just before going over to Brooke's room to literally beg for sex. I knew she had her budding relationship with Kenta and I didn't want to interfere, but I couldn't think of any other person I could find relief with without consequences.

But Maddie and Nadine's flirtations today pushed me to the limits of my control. And after a while of staring at the ceiling today, I decided I wouldn't be able to focus until I unclogged my pipes, as Maddie put it. The twins were home, which put surfing the web for porn on the family room computer out of the question. That left me with just my magazines and my right hand. So grabbing a wad of tissues and one of my favorite mags, I crawled onto bed with erection in hand.

One terribly unsatisfying ejaculation later, I at least managed to do my homework. But the sexual tension inside me had barely abated. I was already on the edge, and things only got worse when Brooke returned home.

The day had been a full-uniform practice day. Now cheerleader uniforms aren't actually very revealing. Yeah, the skirts aren't very long but they still don't reveal as much leg as what high school girls usually wear for shorts. The tops are often too thick to reveal much and the necklines are pretty high. But the mental association with a cheerleader's outfit is just so much sexier than a normal outfit; and the coordinated colors, sparkly makeup, and stylized hair just put that sexuality over the top.

So on a day when I felt incredibly overwhelmed with sexual tension, having Brooke, Jennifer Vo, and Kady Jacobsen tromp into the house wearing their cheerleader uniforms while panting heavily did NOT help matters.

"Hey, Ben," Kady grinned as she walked very slowly past me, enjoying the feel of my eyes on her as she wriggled her ass. "You look a little tense."

Pivoting gracefully on one foot, she then reversed course, only to climb face- forward onto the wing chair next to me and lean over the backrest, looking back to the kitchen and to her friends while simultaneously thrusting her ass in my direction.

Uncontrollably, I groaned before I could clamp a hand over my mouth. The saucy redhead then was even so bold as to flip up the back of her skirt, showing me her cheerleading bloomers stretched tight against her firm buttcheeks.

There was teasing, and then there was blatant exhibition. Brooke and Jennifer took one look at my face and burst into laughter, Kady soon joining them in giggle fits. Video games or not, I decided I should have just stayed in my room. At least the girls didn't stay long.

The final straw came just after 6pm when the doorbell rang. Per routine, I went over to the front door and opened it for Adrienne.

"Hey, Ben!" Adrienne stood there, looking absolutely radiant. Even in the pathetic illumination of the porch light and whatever was shining through the doorway, she was absolutely breathtaking. Butterflies leaped to action in my stomach and I felt my heart speed up. And the outfit she was wearing nearly made me cream my shorts.

I didn't answer her. Having to tighten my ab muscles to avoid an embarrassing mess in my pants, I simply groaned in agony and turned around, walking away stiffly.

"Ben?" Adrienne called after me as she stepped inside.

Without turning back to face her, I just waved my hand dismissively and headed for the stairs. Behind me I heard Eden and Emma rushing to greet her, distracting Adrienne long enough for me to escape.

Shutting the door to my room, I grabbed the tissue box and dropped my pants to the floor. Less than ten seconds later, I spunked my wad into the tissues. Only then did I start breathing normally again.

Later on, Adrienne asked "You okay?" when I joined everyone at the dinner table, an honest look of concern on her face.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, A.D." I nodded. Like before, the ejaculation had removed the urgency but almost none of the sexual desire still inside me. I averted my eyes from her cleavage.

"Yeah, A.D.!" Eden chirped.

"We're doing great, A.D.!" Emma added. The twins giggled excitedly. They'd picked up on my new use of Adrienne's nickname over the past two weeks and thought it was just the coolest thing ever. If only they knew what it meant.

Adrienne smirked and then returned her attention to my parents, who were asking her about how school was going. Just another Wednesday Dinner at our house.

Post-dinner found Adrienne and I sitting on a couch in the living room for what had become our weekly chat. We talked at school quite a bit since she was still more or less my best friend, hanging out with me at all the breaks and lunches. But Wednesday nights had become our time to really talk about personal things without the presence of our friends hovering in the background, potentially able to hear.

"You seem happy, Adrienne."

She smiled. "Still switching back and forth on the name?"

I shrugged. "'A.D.' is friendly. 'Adrienne' is more sincere. It's a beautiful name, and you're looking particularly beautiful today," I smiled as we settled in.

She giggled. "Why thank you, kind sir. How good of you to notice that I'm looking so ... enticing." She laughed and cupped her own boobs, which were quite on display in the scoop-neck top she was currently wearing. My dad had been unable to keep himself from staring.

I chuckled, "Well, yeah, obviously. But I meant you're looking happy again. You've come alive the past couple of weeks."

"How could I not?" Adrienne lasered her gaze on me, her eyes glowing their golden color and I was actually a bit surprised by her intensity. "Hope springs eternal."

I snorted. "That's quite a difference from near-suicidal little more than a month ago, don't you think? What's changed in two weeks?"

Adrienne frowned, furrowing her eyebrows and giving me a 'Don't you know?' look. Then she shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Sometimes you're such a blockhead, Ben," she drawled.

"Huh?"

"Nevermind," she waved. "It's a lot of little things. My dad is coming home more often. It's not like we have a great relationship or anything, but just knowing that he's around makes me feel more like I'm in an actual family and not completely on my own. And I'm doing much better on the 'friends' front."