Chapter 12

I have no idea how long it was before Dennis came in and stood staring at me with an expression I really could not decipher. After a minute or two he asked, "You drink beer now?"

I started crying quietly and answered, "I had to. I needed something to make me numb."

I paused a moment and then I said, "I'm sorry Dennis."

He looked like he was trying to think of something to say but I stopped him. "Don't say anything. I understand. I don't expect you to forgive me. I'm not asking you to. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I know you want me out of your life now. I don't know where to go."

I put my head down on my arms then and cried quietly. I felt a hand on my head and I jumped, startled. I thought he had left the room.

I sat up and without even looking up at him I said, "Don't touch me Dennis. I'm ... you know what I am now. You saw it. I'm ruined." I chuckled mirthlessly and said, "I'm broken. It's okay. I don't expect you to feel anything for me anymore."

He pulled out the chair next to me and sat down. I suddenly noticed as he sat down that he had finally put his pants back on. I couldn't look him in the eye though. I was much too ashamed.

We sat together in silence for a long time until he asked, "What happened?"

I wiped my eyes on a paper napkin that was lying on the table and cleared my throat. In a quiet, and dead calm voice I said, "You saw. I disobeyed you. I let him come here to help him with his studies and ... and he did those things to me. And it wasn't rape Dennis. I lost control. I let him do those things and when it was happening to me I ... I don't know. I guess I went a little crazy. He made me feel things I never felt before and I went crazy. You saw it."

I took another big sip of my beer and then I said, "When he was done he opened the door and there was Terrill with the camera. Dennis, what you saw, that was the tame stuff. I couldn't even tell you the things they made me do after that. I'm having trouble believing it myself. But I don't have any choice now. I just keep doing what they tell me and it just keeps getting worse. I'm trapped now. There is no way out of this. They have those movies. Oh god Dennis! I am so sorry!"

I felt his arms go around me and I tried to pull away. I shook my head violently and sobbed, "No Dennis. You don't..."

He didn't let me finish. He pulled me into his arms and he held me and he kissed my face. I tried to turn away but he forced his lips against mine and kissed me forcefully. I gave up. I put my arms around his neck and held him close. I didn't understand why he was doing this. I just knew that I really needed to be held.

We sat like that until I stopped crying and when I straightened up he picked up the bottle of beer and sniffed it. He made a wry face and asked, "Does this help?"

I shrugged and said, "Not much. A little. Once you have had a few the taste isn't quite as bad. He made me buy some wine too but I haven't tried it yet. I don't know what it tastes like."

He put my beer down and went over and got two more of them out of the refrigerator and brought them back to the table. He opened them and handed me one of them. He took a sip of his and made a face. I smiled and said, "Yeah, it's awful. But it's better than remembering."

He took a couple more sips and then he put the bottle down and said, "I suppose you have tried to think of some way out of this?"

I nodded. "I don't know where those DVDs are or how many there are. And he is such a cruel boy. I'm scared of him now. He was so devious. He must have planned this for a long time. He made me think he was such a sweet, naïve young man and I bought it. I bought the whole act."

Dennis said, "Yes, he is scary. But we can't just give up. He will make life unbearable for both of us. He doesn't care if he destroys you and me and our parents. No, I think that it isn't that he doesn't care. I think that he would enjoy it. We can't let him. We have to fight back."

I looked at Dennis. It was obvious that he was sincere of course. But he was just whistling in the dark. He was just as helpless now as I was.

I looked at the clock on the microwave and saw that it was almost eleven. I was always in bed by nine on a school night. I gulped down the last few sips of beer and stood up. I looked down at Dennis and asked, "Do you want me to sleep in the guest room?"

He reached out and took my hand and shook his head.

He seemed sincere but I couldn't believe that he would want to be near me now. I said, "It's okay Dennis. I would understand. I wouldn't hold it against you. I saw those DVDs and I know what you went through tonight because of me. You have every right to kick me right out of the house."

He nodded and said, "Yeah, I know. And if someone had presented me with this horrible set of facts and asked me what I would do I would have said that I would throw you out on your ass. I don't understand why I don't feel that way though. I think what I want to do is go to bed and hold you in my arms and try to go to sleep."

"Tomorrow, and quite a few tomorrows after that are going to be difficult. Much more so for you than for me. We are going to need our rest. It won't be right away, but we are going to find some way out of this. If not, then I guess we either run away or kill the son of a bitch."

We went down the hall to our bedroom and I watched Dennis get undressed and put his pajamas on. I stood watching as he got in bed and then he threw the covers back for me to get in beside him.

I stared at him and finally I asked, "I don't get it Dennis. Why are you being so nice to me?"

He looked me right in the eye and said, "It turns out I love you. And I guess I have a guilty conscience."

That startled me. "Why? What do you feel guilty about? You are a victim in this!"

"So are you Amanda." He replied. "The thing that bothers me most though is that I watched that first DVD tonight and I had a hard on all the way through it. And you know what? I'm looking forward to watching the second one tomorrow night."

Now I was as confused as he obviously was. I stared at him for a moment and he continued, "And you may not have noticed, but I had three orgasms tonight during all of that kinky sex. I liked having your mouth on me and even though I hated seeing you getting raped like that tonight, I am embarrassed to say that watching it turned me on. So you aren't the only one with a guilty conscience. Now get in bed."

I crawled into bed and Dennis pulled me close and kissed me before I turned onto my side and we curled up together. His hand moved over my naked body and he kissed my shoulder. This was the first time in our marriage that I had gone to bed naked.

We didn't speak and although he toyed with my breast for a few minutes before we finally went to sleep we didn't do anything but cuddle. We lay there in the dark for a while before we went to sleep and I realized how much I had missed him this weekend. I wanted to tell him that. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I wanted to apologize again. But instead I just lay in his arms and cried softly until I fell asleep.

When I woke up he was already in the bathroom. I got up and went in and sat on the toilet while he brushed his teeth. When I started to pee he turned around and stared. We had never been in the bathroom at the same time before and he was surprised that I was being so casual about it now.

I wiped myself and stood up and went over and put my arms around him while he finished brushing his teeth and then started shaving. I kissed his back and held him tight and said, "I'm so sorry Dennis. Thank you for last night. I needed you to hold me so much."

I paused and then I asked, "Do you think we can survive this?"

He finished shaving and turned around and took me in his arms and hugged me. He said, "I learned a lot about myself that I didn't know last night. I'm not sure how I feel about the things that I learned. But I also learned how much I love you and yes, I know that we can survive this."