Chapter 1

I was sitting there in the restaurant in the quaint small town where I used to live. They had one of those tabletop jukeboxes and I was looking through the song titles. I remembered how so many songs seemed to be a pathway for me. I slipped in a few coins and pushed the buttons.

The song started to play and I could hear Marty Robbins singing a song that sounded like it was about my life. At least it paralleled my life. It was, 'Lord, You Gave Me A Mountain.' I sat back in the chair and began to reminisce as the song started.

Born in the heat of the desert. My mother died giving me life. Deprived of the love of a father. Blamed for the loss of his wife.

Yep! That's how my life began. My parents were from the Midwest. It could have been any country town USA. My dad worked the farm for his dad. Farming was all my grandparents knew. My mom and dad grew up in the same area. They were out of high school and in love. According to my grandparents, they lived in a trailer out back next to the barn. They didn't care much about material things as long as they had each other.

They were John and Martha Evans. My mom became pregnant with me. She had my name all picked out. I was to be Joshua John Evans. I was told she went through hell with morning sickness and then was bed ridden through most of the pregnancy. My dad was worried about her. She was his life and she was having a very hard time carrying me. My grandma said something went wrong in her eighth month and she was rushed to the hospital.

They were able to save me but my mother didn't make it. She died while giving me life. I was left in the hospital for a few extra days due to being born early. My dad wanted nothing to do with me. As in the song, he blamed me for his wife's death. My grandparents on my dad's side raised me. I don't think I was overly loved.

My mom's parents hated my dad and, basically, disowned my mother when she married my father. After her death, they blamed dad seeing he got her pregnant. Of course, that brought it back to me. As far as I know, they never came to see me.

When I was young, all I can recall is working on the farm. I did live in the house and my dad still lived in the trailer out back alone. I can't ever remember any love for me from him. My grandma was probably the only one that I can remember showing any love toward me at all. Unfortunately, my grandfather always told her to stop coddling me.

As I got older, I remember getting up early, feeding the animals and going to school. I was a troublesome student. I didn't get along very well with anyone. In grade school, I found out other kids talked about me and it really hurt. I was told by some bullies that I killed my mother. I didn't take it and, of course, like always I'd end up in fights.

I'd then go home and get it from my granddad for fighting. No one ever cared what I had to say. I didn't have the material things the other kids had. I basically worked the farm and read books. I guess I was considered a real loner.

My teen years weren't much better. Farm work and school were my life. My dad had even moved away to the big city. He wanted nothing to do with me. I think I was about ten when he left. I remember him arguing with grandpa one night. I don't think they knew I was listening.

"What about your fucking kid?" I heard grandpa say.

"I don't want anything to do with him," said dad. "He killed my Martha. I'm just getting the hell away from this farm and that boy. I don't ever want to see him again."

I remember crying. How was I responsible for the death of my mom? I never even got to know her. I had often wondered what she was like and if she would have liked me. I think I sat there crying for the longest time.

I remember hearing my dad tell my grandpa, "If you don't want him, turn him over to the state." That's when I heard my grandma walk in.

"What? You'll do no such thing, Harold," said my grandma. "If you send Josh away, I promise you, I'll leave too. That poor boy didn't ask to be born."

It was the only time I every heard my grandma talk back to my grandfather. Bottom line is I stayed and worked the farm. I also felt just a little closer to my grandma after that day.

Life at school didn't get any better. When word got around about my dad leaving me, the stories began to fly again. It's funny that whenever I was picked on it was at least three against one. Whenever I got any of them on a one-on-one basis, I usually won the altercation.

I had a few friends. They were kind of the outsiders which every school has a few. That is all except Sherry. We were in grade school together and then high school. We would meet over at the pond and just talk. She knew just about everything about me. She was like my only real friend. One day we were at the pond and talking when I leaned over and kissed her. It was more of a peck but it was the first time I had ever kissed anyone. To me it was great.

Unfortunately, her little brother witnessed it and told their parents. Sherry was forbidden to ever see me. Her parents told her that I was trash and came from trash. I cried. "God, why do I have all these mountains to climb? What did I ever do that was so bad?"

This time, lord, you gave me a mountain. A mountain that I may never climb. It isn't a hill any longer. You gave me a mountain this time.

I turned sixteen. I still met Sherry from time to time on the sly, hoping we would never be caught. We never did anything but kiss, but I really liked her a lot.

One day after school I noticed one of the bullies had Sherry cornered and was trying to kiss her. I could hear her telling him to stop, but he wouldn't.

I went up to him and let him have it. I beat him to a miserable pulp. I didn't care anymore. He deserved it and I was dishing it out. I could hear Sherry yelling for me to stop but I wasn't listening. I had all this hatred and was taking it out on this asshole.

It took three teachers to pull me off of Buck. He was taken to the hospital and I was taken to juvenile jail where I would spend the next two years of my life. The last thing I remember was Sherry crying into her hands and Buck being taken out on a stretcher.

I remember the judge telling me that he wished he could lock guys me up for good and throw away the key. He said I was nothing but a burden to society. I guess that I was lucky - I was a juvenile and they would be letting me out when I turned eighteen.

I didn't learn much in jail. I spent most of my time showing how bad I was. Deep inside, I really wasn't that bad; I hurt more than anything else. It's just that my life sucked so bad that I wanted to get even with the world.

When I got out, I called my granddad. He told me that he didn't want anything to do with me. I asked to talk with grandma and he told me no, that she had nothing to say to me. I knew it was probably a lie and decided to just forget about them.

For the next couple of years, I was kind of a bum doing odd jobs. I went from state to state looking for work. One day I went by this feed store and asked if they needed any workers. I was told by the manager that he didn't have any work but that there was a middle aged couple needing help on their farm, and that I might check there.

I knocked on the door and an older woman came to the door. She must have been in her fifties. I asked her if she needed any farm work done and she told me that was her husband's department. I could find him out at the barn.

I headed out to the barn and saw a man feeding his horses. "Excuse me, sir. I'm looking for any kind of farm work; would you have any work available?"

"What's your name, son?"

"Josh, Josh Evans, sir."

"What do you know about farming?" he asked.

"I've been around farming all my life, sir. My grandparents owned a farm in Idaho. I worked for them most of my life."

"Why don't you work for them now?" he asked as he stared at my eyes.

I looked down and figured I would tell him the truth, even though I'd figure he wouldn't hire me.

"I was incarcerated for fighting, sir. I was in jail for two years and my grandparents didn't want me back. I'm a good worker. Just give me a chance to prove it," I pleaded.

"Do you need a place to stay as well?" he asked.

"It would be nice but I'll find a place in town if necessary," I replied.

He stared at me for what seemed the longest time. I figured he was wondering whether to take a chance on me. "How old are you, son?" he asked.

"I just turned twenty-one, sir," I replied.

"Well, Josh, I'm Floyd Patterson and the woman you met is my wife Betty. We have a pretty good size spread here and could use another hand. I have five men who work for me now. There's a bunkhouse you can stay in out back. There are two other men who stay there. The other men have families and have their own homes. We'll try you out for a month and see how you do.

"There's a stove and fridge in the bunkhouse. Most of the time the men eat at the restaurant but you're welcome to use the facilities. We'll knock off twenty-five bucks a week out of your check for the bunkhouse living."

I thanked him and told him he wouldn't be disappointed. I really wanted to make this work. I began work the next morning. Pete was the foreman who gave us our work orders for the day. The work was easier than when I worked for my granddad. The Patterson's had all the latest equipment and were very nice to work for. They even supplied lunch for us. I felt like I was finally part of something.

I got along pretty good with the other guys. Three were married and the other two were single like me. We would usually go into town and have dinner at the local diner. The cooking wasn't as good as Mrs. Patterson's but it was better than anything I'd cook up. Sometimes I'd buy some luncheon meat and make a few sandwiches.

On the weekend I'd go into town. Joe and Fred both had trucks so I didn't need a vehicle, at least for now. I easily made it through my trial period and everything was fine. I worked hard and even worked longer hours whenever Pete asked me to. I wanted to make a good impression. This was as good as I'd had it for as long as I could remember.

I started spending my weekends in town. I would hang out at the Red Robin. It's where I met Cindy Lou. She was sort of the bartender waitress in the place. Pete and Joe both warned me about Cindy. They said she was kind of a wild one.

She began flirting with me. I would stay later and help her close up and she would drive me back to the bunkhouse. She had a trailer of her own in walking distance of the bar. One night instead of driving me back to the bunkhouse, she drove to her place. Needless to say, we made love.

I know this is hard to believe but it was my first time with a woman. God, was she ever something else. She stripped and pulled off my trousers, and climbed up and lowered herself onto my shaft. I couldn't believe how good it felt. She was squealing and squalling, moving her ass all over the place. I couldn't help it as I shot my first load into a woman. It was great!

It was just a matter of minutes when she let me get on top, and I made love to her again. She was so hot. I lasted a lot longer the second time. After that, we rested and had a couple of beers before going again. Thank God, the next day was Sunday. Other than feeding the animals, we didn't have to work all day in the fields.

When Pete saw me the next morning he laughed. It didn't take much to figure out that I got laid. Being honest here, I have masturbated for years but being with a woman and making love was awesome. There was no comparison.

I ended up going to see Cindy at least twice during the week and every weekend. I couldn't get enough of her. I figured I was in love.

It was about two months later when Cindy told me she was pregnant. She told me after one of our love sessions. I told her it would be fine. We would get married and we would start out at her trailer. I had saved up some money and after the baby was born, we could maybe look for another place.

Mr. and Mrs. Patterson had given me a permanent job and a small increase in pay. Pete, Joe and Fred didn't seem too happy when I told them that Cindy and I were going to get married.

I was sitting listening to the jukebox and playing the song over and over again. I kept thinking back about my time with Cindy and realized I never really loved her. She was just my first piece of ass. I wanted to be loved so bad that I got married to the first woman I was with.