Chapter 21

The cabin, heated only by a large fireplace, was very cold the next morning. I quickly moved to revive the fire which had died down during the night. I had slept soundly during the night; untroubled by any dreams, or at least by any that I remembered. There is something about the crisp cold mountain air that revives the spirit. After my morning constitutional I quickly dressed and started a pot of coffee in the Mr. Coffee that was sitting alone on the counter. The aroma from the freshly opened coffee held me until the coffee began to trickle from the machine. I cheated and put my cup in place of the pot so my misery was short lived. I searched the cupboard for the pink stuff only to realize that we must have left that off our grocery list. I ended up settling for sugar.

After swilling down half a cup I went to the small bathroom and shaved. I donned clean clothes from the dresser without waking my beautiful sleeping companions and took my shoes and socks near the fireplace in the warmer living room to finish dressing. After shoeing myself I grabbed my coffee and jacket and headed out to the front porch. The first thing I noticed was that the snow had continued to fall during the night and the white coating gave everything an almost picture book quality. The view from the porch was beautiful although my vision was limited by the dim light of the valley, as the mountains kept the morning sun from shining directly on the cabin. The diffused sunlight most likely made the cabin very nice in the summer but it probably lowered the temperature by at least ten degrees in the winter. I decided to walk around the property to see if I could find a place with a better view.

I wrote a note and left it on the table inside the door for my family before heading out. I unlocked the glove box of the van and took the snub-nosed Smith and Wesson that I had cached there. The trip to the van convinced me that the snow was too deep for the long walk in the woods I had envisioned. I was about to give up the walk altogether when I noticed that there was an area between the leeward side of the cabin and the valley wall where very little snow had accumulated. I also noticed that behind the house, the narrowing valley had provided another wind break that created another snow deprived area. I started off in that direction more to see where it led than with the hope of finding a better view. I figured that at least I could get some exercise and build up an appetite for the large breakfast that I hoped someone would provide on my return.

I stumbled along for about a quarter mile, deep in thought about recent events, before reaching the point where the two walls of the valley merged. The end to the valley wasn't abrupt. Instead, there seemed to be an underlying path that stretched up the sloping 'v' of the valley wall. The trail was only lightly covered with snow so I decided to try to reach the summit. I ended up slipping more than once as I slowly ascended a trail that I was sure would be an easy climb without the covering of snow. I almost gave up about half-way up the hill where the snow had drifted masking the location of the trail from my view. I almost turned back but thought I could see where the trail resumed on the other side of the drift so I forged ahead through the drift. The remainder of the trip to the top was easier and the view from up there was breathtaking. The clear mountain air and the snowfall of the previous night gave this world an unspoiled and almost virginal appearance.

I quickly decided that the top of the world was too cold and started my trip back to the cabin. My descent was quicker than I intended when I tripped and slipped down the last few feet. I picked myself up with nothing bruised but my ego. I looked upward at the valley rim and decided that I would bring back a blanket and a thermos of hot coffee the next time, hopefully when I could see the entire trail. During all of the tramping through the snow, thoughts of recent events had been tumbling around in my mind. I started off thinking of all that had happened recently. "Shit Happens" was not a philosophy that I embraced. I deeply believed that there is a cause and effect for everything. I believe that for the most part we shape our own destiny with our actions and/or inactions. I knew that the episode with Suzie was connected to my dream of Jesse and somehow pointed the way to a future in which I was more a real father to the girls and less an older lover.

I knew that I also cared about Jimmy and Debbie and would protect them and Lucy, with my life if necessary. I had no idea whether Lucy could accept my past relationship with Suzie and Natty but knew that I had to be totally honest with her about my past for us to have any future. She needed to see me as the imperfect person that was more a work in progress than the superman Suzie made me out to be. I also knew that long talks were in order with Suzie and Natty for the same reason. It might be hard to accept me as an imperfect father who had a penchant for young girls because of a lost love, but they needed to know that past events shape our souls more definitively than most people think.

I was convinced that I needed to resist their charms and help them find other loves who would give them additional anchors for their young lives. I knew that I could be as attentive as a father as I had been as a lover. My watershed experience with Suzie had convinced me that both she and Natty needed that loving father much more than a sometimes lover. I knew that with their inner beauty, intelligence and compassion for other people they would have no difficulty finding love. As a father I was not looking forward to their taking lovers, but I knew that I couldn't expect them to become celibate after our experiences.

I returned to the cabin with a feeling of relief that I had made my decision. The hard part was the decision, implementing it would be easier. I was looking forward to the future and to some simplification of my life. At the point that the trail reached the back of the cabin I heard an explosion of voices as it seemed the cabin turned itself inside-out and expelled all the kids into the front yard. I heard Debbie holler, "Look at the snow, it's beautiful."

Next Suzie said, "Let's make a big snowman."

Natty said, "I've never seen this much snow before except on TV. It's beautiful. I wish we had snow back home."

Jimmy added, "I know. I wonder if we can find some way to make a sled. It would really be cool to slide down that hill over there."

Suzie saw me then and ran up to me and gave me a big hug. She put her arm around my waist and said, "This trip is the best idea I have ever heard of. This is way better than school. Can you help us make a sled? Please."

Natty and Jimmy both chorused in with, "Yeah! Please!"

At that moment the front door opened and Lucy walked out in her coat and said, "Breakfast in 10 minutes. You need to come in and wash up." She looked over at me and said, "Where did you get off to this morning?"

I replied, "Took a walk after I got the fire and coffee going. I've been thinking about what a lucky guy I am."

I put my other arm around Jimmy and said, "Come on guys, we'll figure out some way to get a sled after breakfast. I think I remember Tom telling me something about an old sled in the shed in the back."

We went in the house where Katy had just laid a platter of scrambled eggs on the table. She was still frying sausage and bacon and I could see one cookie sheet full of toast on the counter. Lucy raced back to help her. Everyone except Debbie headed to the bathroom to wash up. She came over to me before following the others and said, "Do you think we could have some of your special hot chocolate?"

I tweaked her nose and said, "You bet we can."

Katy heard us and said, "I already have it finished. I just need someone to dip it out of the pot."

I laughed and said, "I can do that."

I walked over and started to dip the hot chocolate and Lucy slapped my hand and said, "Not until you wash your hands. They look like you have been playing in the dirt."

I washed my hands and we had a hearty breakfast. The talk during breakfast was of sledding and snowmen. Snow was something that none of the young people had any experience with. I asked Jimmy to help me look through the shed in the back, after we ate, for a sled that I was told should be in there. Later both Jimmy and Debbie walked with me back to the old shed. We were disappointed when we found that it was locked. I had the left the key ring that Tom had given me in the bedroom and I remembered several extra keys on the ring. I asked Jimmy to run back to the cabin and retrieve the keys, explaining where they were. He headed off quickly to do just that.

As soon as Jimmy was out of hearing range Debbie asked, "Do you love my mom?"

"Yes, I care for her very much. I'm also quite fond of you and Jimmy as well. You have any special reason for asking?" She didn't say anything for a moment. She stood there looking down and dragging the toe of her shoe through the snow avoiding my gaze.

She finally looked at me and said, "Mom's in love with you. I know you were sleeping with Katy while mom was in the hospital. Then you started sleeping with both of them. How can you do that? Don't you care that it's going to hurt one of them when you choose? Don't you care about anybody but yourself? What is going to happen to my mom when she's all alone again? What about..."

We were interrupted as Jimmy ran back up with the key ring. I looked at Debbie and mouthed the word, 'Wait.'

We opened the shed and there was a long Flexible Flyer hanging from the back wall of the shed. We had to move several boxes but soon it was out on the ground. I asked Jimmy to take it and gather anyone who wanted to go sledding by the front porch. I told him we would walk over to the hill in about 20 minutes.

I had thought about what Debbie had asked as we dug through the shed. As soon as Jimmy had walked out of hearing we started loading the boxes back in the shed. After we finished with the boxes I was a bit winded so I pulled out two folding chairs that were leaning against the wall and sat down in one of them. I patted the other seat and asked, "Debbie, sit down and rest for a minute."