Chapter 1

Of course Susan's perspective on her affair was very different from Earl's and also much more complicated. When confronted by his accusations she had been shocked to realise that she had done nothing that needed concealing from him until after he had returned home though probably it would have avoided noisy confrontation if she kept some details to herself. Confused by this discovery her reaction showed none of the control of her life which she had thought that she had begun to regain. She had let herself down again: had behaved like a possession, this time one which was crushed by its probable loss of value to its owner.

Later she kept coming back to one harsh judgement: he had trapped her. Maybe it hadn't been fully intentional and he couldn't have been sure that there would be anything to catch. Whatever, the entrapment had been all too successful and had created just the situation he feared! Back on Thursday, when at last she had got a call through to him, when without her knowing it he was actually home already, she could have joined him still as innocent - or guilty - as when he went away.

Certainly she would have joined him; what possible reason could she have given not to? There would have been a hostile welcome but that was unpleasantly usual if she wasn't exactly where he wanted her when he wanted. "When," she asked herself, "had he last greeted her with the smile which was so characteristic of the sunny personality he showed the world; the smile which had first endeared him to her."

She remembered clearly what she had said: "Earl, I was beginning to wonder if something had gone wrong! I called your hotel as usual after eating dinner, and they told me you had checked out. Are you alright?" Surely there was nothing for him to take exception to in that so why hadn't he simply explained that the job had gone quicker than he expected and he was at home waiting for her? She certainly wouldn't have mentioned her provisional date to fuck John Stickner! Might not even have mentioned that Jennifer had called in sick and that she had thought of spending the night looking after her. Why should she? Above all she wouldn't have told her lie about being home already; they would have chatted briefly and then she would have gone to join him.

If she had done that the sex would have been different: more of it for sure! Earl wasn't as conspicuously virile as he thought himself, no man is! But he was pretty good and they played each other wonderfully. With John it had been experimental but even if the buttons had been pushed less confidently the results had had the benefit of surprise. Being much older he was less able to come back for more but a couple of nights with him had probably been the more exciting choice.

Back home she might have been made uncomfortable by Earl's other emotional demands; at least on this occasion, John had made none. Instead they pleased each other delightfully: compliments, promises, gentle caresses, company not need.

If he had asked where she was and why had she been unavailable earlier she would have said entirely truthfully that after working late she was in the Irish bar with John Stickner and a few other colleagues; maybe she would have thought of Earl's insecurities and left out the mention of Stickner. She didn't know why he couldn't get through to her during the day. Jennifer had called in sick, unusual for her but allowed. The receptionist usually knew where all the senior staff were but the combination of Jennifer's absence and the confusion around the Melrose affair had left everything just that - confused. It was certainly no guilty secret that she was in Stickner's office; this was something true that she knew she had told Earl herself in the travesty of a communication that had followed his confronting her.

As for the cell phone call: they only used these for private calls so he, naturally as it seemed to him, turned his off when he was busy at work. In his view, however, she should always be available. Well! Her life wasn't like that and this had been an occasion when private affairs could not be allowed to intrude. So, there had been a 'missed call' from him but he'd left no message. Later she hadn't known whether this was because he was too busy or because he was pissed at her - again - so she hadn't left one either when her attempt to return the call found his phone off. Now she couldn't believe that there had been no time for him to leave a message between finding he could return home early and the pilot's call to turn phones off. Air travel just isn't like that. He'd been punishing her already.

Because she had spent the night with John it was hard to assess fairly how strong her intention to do so had been at the time she got through to Earl. She had been calling from just outside the crowded bar; had the evasions she had heard in his reply distressed her? Could he have spoken in such a way as to prevent her adultery without telling her that he was home already? Yet again she wondered why hadn't he begun with that fact; surely it was relevant? Was he just evasive or had he actually lied? She couldn't remember. Certainly at least two of the facts in her reply had been lies: she hadn't had supper; she wasn't at home. It wouldn't be the first time though that she had said that she had already done something which was in fact only an intention; who has never done the same? Anyway after speaking to Earl she had called Jennifer before returning to the bar. She had obviously been weary and didn't need a visitor that night; but maybe in the morning?

At least for the present she tried to end these circling questions. Two things would undoubtedly have prevented her going to John's bed: knowledge that Earl was home or urgent need of care for Jen.

No sooner did she think she had found an end than the analysis began again. The fact that she had an overnight case in the trunk of her car was ambiguous: she hadn't packed it until after Jennifer had told her that she was going to call in sick that morning and the thought of visiting with her arose but the contents were at least as suitable for romance as for looking after an invalid! Outside the bar she had thought for a moment before going back to John but then she had not waited before suggesting that they might move on to his place. Taking his hand as they left surely gave the others some indication of what was intended. Bravado or what; who could say now?

It wasn't an excuse but the demanding tone of Earl's questioning, an interrogation really, could only have confirmed her intention of rounding off a busy but successful day with a fuck in a strange bed; a treat she had missed for too long. In fact unexpectedly passionate responses on both sides had ensured that the most exciting bit of screwing had been before they even thought of bed and it was only on the second night that they got between his luxurious linen sheets to perform the old old dance.

Why did she have to remind herself of the fact that any feeling of being in control at home was so new? Not, she began by admitting to herself, because Earl was by nature a monster or a bully. No! He was what he had always said: a red-blooded American male and he had wanted what he said all red-blooded American males needed, a dutiful wife round whom his life could revolve. She had never told him that even in South Carolina, his home state, the red-blooded American male was pretty well extinct at least among youngish professionals and that the supply of compliant mates had dried up way back in the twentieth century. Instead she had let him dominate her; that's what red-blooded American males do with their mates. She had come to accept that his red-blooded American male ideals were hers; that their life style was the right life style for red-blooded American males and their dutiful mates

When she met Earl she hadn't immediately appreciated what the demands of the red-blooded male were. It hadn't occurred to her that anyone might expect virginity in a healthy twenty four year old; after his reluctant acceptance that she had forgotten what her virgin state had felt like she realised that he would be horrified if she revealed anything of her life as a woman of late twentieth century California. When he ventured to take her home he begged her to be on her best behaviour.

What was wrong with her ordinary behaviour? She thought of herself as well mannered and no one had complained otherwise since she was an often importunate little girl. She found it difficult when she discovered that his father would assume without discussion that she was virgin and that her virginity was a possession which he valued and would be willing to go to some length to preserve To protect dear pop from what she saw as the real world she would need to creep into Earl's bed and leave before his parents discovered that their son was consorting with someone probably no better than a prostitute. Earl himself couldn't even accept that if there was creeping to be done it was surely the man's duty. No! His parents' view of him was what was to be preserved; to him the preservation of her reputation was a secondary consideration.

Later she realised how very double the double standard was: though Earl had to appear virtuous his lack of virginity was a matter of pride but, had father Conroy known that neither of his two daughters was virgin when they married he would have been first incredulous then shocked into who knows what actions. In fact in later visits when she had gained their confidence Susan learned from the sisters, both younger than Earl, that their experience at high school had been much like hers - if anything wilder younger. Later, neither had seen themselves as a career-girl and soon after quitting high school they had settled down to life with suitable red-blooded mates, round whom they were already running circles. Here it was poor Susan who had been shocked for after marriage she had been entirely faithful to Earl; not because it was her duty; not because his restrictive actions forced it on her, though that was probably their aim, but because she wanted to be so.

It had been a mistake to let the sisters see that she thought about their mother as a woman not a domestic goddess, had had a bad continuing effect on the Conroy family view of her, but reservations came too late. After this sharing of their early experiences Susan had shocked the two girls beyond any of her expectations when she expressed the thought that their mother probably had had no more right than them to a white wedding with orange blossom and all the other symbols of innocence - or ignorance as she preferred to see it. The thought had risen naturally in her mind as they looked through the family photo albums together and she blamed the vast amount of drink they had taken by then for the way she blurted it out. At once it was too late to try and brush over the enormity of that accusation.

It had seemed so reasonable to her: just twenty the woman had married a man five years older than herself. No problem for them in accepting him as experienced. For the life of her she still couldn't see how they could imagine that their mother had got through life as a sixties teenager without sex, probably quite a lot because the comfortable belief that antibiotics would fix any infection was still true and the contraceptive pill could be obtained without much effort by any woman who wanted to play. Fortunately neither of them had been present at the heart to heart Susan had shared with their grandmother during which she had regretted that the change in mores came too late for her. "Oh!" she'd said, "How I envied my daughters!"

It wasn't clear how much they had told Earl but that night he had been unable to fuck her though he did manage to tell her firmly that even if her mother was a slut his wasn't! He was very drunk and she didn't risk trying to explain that for her 'slut' was an empty word; why shouldn't a woman like sex when it could be enjoyed so safely? At the time she had thought that the lack of action was because he had been so drunk that he couldn't get it up but now she remembered how nearly paralytic with alcohol or drugs they had sometimes been while fucking perfectly adequately and realised that lack of bed exercise was a way of punishing her that had always seemed reasonable to him. There had been other incidents that fitted with this and his current plan to replace their comfortable queen size with two narrow beds certainly was intended to work like that.

There were some practices of the red-blooded that Earl didn't follow: he had never carried a handgun, never even owned one. Here in Washington, a state so set about with pussyfoot regulations that no more than one weapon could be purchased each month, he was prepared to say that the NRA was wrong and that widespread ownership of modern lethal weapons carried more threats than benefits. He even admitted that he didn't really see any benefits. Perhaps she should now see this restraint as a blessing. In the full theory of the red-blooded man a wife was a possession so any man she took up with was a thief and could be punished for that theft in any way the husband chose.