Chapter 2

You know, I can think of it objectively now, of course that was next to impossible at the time. I was too close, too involved in that excuse of a marriage. Now, thinking about it from quite a distance in time and space, I can understand why things worked out as they did.

A relationship between a man and a woman within a marriage is truly a fragile thing. Perhaps you can liken it to a seedling... yes, something young and vulnerable. In order for a seedling to flourish and grow it requires certain necessities, things such as water, warmth, sunlight and food. A marriage also requires sustenance. Marriages can grow and deepen and become even more meaningful as the years go by. That's why it's so damn important that the partners in a marriage make every effort to work at the relationship. The sudden kiss or caress, the glance and smile, a tender touch; these are the little, almost insignificant gestures that when added all up become very significant. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that if both partners make the attempt to nourish, protect and cherish each other, a marriage can be the most beautiful thing in the world for the partners.

But when you have a relationship without warmth, without affection, without caring... well, that marriage is in deep doo-doo. Perhaps that's why so many marriages fail, not through some sort of volcanic eruption, but just through lack of attention, lack of empathy. Most marriages die not with a bang, but with a whimper, withering and dying through sheer inertia.

After a few years of living in such a marriage I found that I had changed. Oh, the changes were so gradual, so unnoticed, so insidious. I found that I was spending more time at work than necessary. I was using any excuse to avoid staying at home. The only things that pulled me there were my kids. I tried to spend as much time as possible with them. I was there for dinner with the family every night I was in town. We all did things together over the weekend. Yes, even my wife participated, but with the clear understanding that her presence was for the children, period.

And I was traveling more. I had been given a larger territory and there were days during the week when I had to be away from home. I liked that. I was making even more money now. I missed the kids, but that's all I missed. I soon discovered that not only did I not miss Casey, but was actually relieved that I didn't have to see her or come into contact with her. I also found that I was no longer wracked with guilt. I had come to terms with that incident in my life. I finally recognized that that event was totally unplanned, unanticipated and unwanted. I did not commit adultery maliciously or with intent to hurt or deceive. I screwed up because of a horny female, a hard- on, too much booze and temporary, phallic insanity.

I also came to the conclusion that I had paid too high a price for that "incident." Casey should not have kept my feet to the flame for that long or to that degree. It appeared to me that she wanted more than a pound of my flesh. She had gone too far and I had suffered too much. Fuck it and fuck her. I just didn't care any longer. The love that I had in my heart for this woman had withered, had died, or if not dead, was certainly buried deeply, so deeply that I no longer felt anything for her. This epiphany broke upon me like a deluge, it was as if a huge spotlight had gone off in my brain and this is the event that caused it.

Again, it was after a party. We had had a pretty good evening. We had even had a pleasant conversation about the kids and... I don't remember what else. You see most of our conversations were about the kids. That's it for the most part, just the kids. Anyway, we were walking home, our arms brushing occasionally. The silence between us was not strained, it was almost comfortable. Casey giggled a bit as she staggered for a moment. "Damn, I shouldn't have had that las' drink," she murmured and giggled again.

We entered our home and Casey went into the living room and sprawled on the sofa. She looked at me and I saw a warm, deep glow in her eyes. I was puzzled, this was an expression that I had never seen before, or if I had, it was long forgotten.

"Alex... Alex," she murmured. "I think that it's time perhaps... perhaps..." It looked like she was having difficulty. I had tensed, I didn't know what to expect. Was she trying to tell me that it's over, that it just wasn't working for her? I decided to keep quiet. It's her show, let her finish, let her get it out.

"Alex," she said quietly. "Why don't you move your stuff back into my bedroom. I think that it's time for us to sleep together again."

To say that I was shocked would be a total understatement. I stood there with my mouth open. Did I hear her correctly? Did she say that she wanted me to sleep with her? Then came the thing that coalesced my thinking, that made me realize what a joke my marriage had become.

Since I hadn't responded to her suggestion with eager agreement, she flushed. "I don't want the children to start asking why their father is sleeping in a separate room. It could become awkward and we don't want rumors to spread," she said casually, almost offhand, but I could hear the tension in her voice.

Bingo, that was it. It was at that time that I realized that I didn't care, I just didn't give a shit. She thought that like a good, little puppy dog I would come to her and lick her in gratitude and thanks for her kindness and indulgence in welcoming me back into HER bedroom. HER bedroom??? I stood there, trembling in anger. I wanted to scream at her, to curse her, to pile heaps of ridicule and contempt upon her for what she had put me through. I didn't do any of that.

I looked at her and said, "No thanks. We'll keep things as they are," and I turned and walked up the stairs to my room.

And so life went on. Casey and I were civil to each other. We were in fact pleasant to each other. We had fun with the kids during meals and whenever we had the opportunity to spend some quality time with them. Everything was just hunky dory except... except we made sure that we never came into physical contact with each other. Uh uh, no touching. Guess what, after awhile I had no desire to touch her. It eventually became a non-issue. Did I have blue balls? Sure, at times, but I didn't fuck around, I took care of myself manually - you know, by hand. Casey? Who knows. Did she play around? No, she didn't. How do I know? I checked periodically. Just leave it that way.

I continued to work my ass off and I was successful. I was the top sales producer in my region and my income reflected that. I also started to skim quite a bit of money from my checks, money that I invested in foreign funds. Oh, I paid taxes on everything, I just made sure that these investments were secret, unknown to anyone except my overseas broker. Why did I decide to do that? Uncertainty, that's why. I had a strong suspicion that someday my wife was going to bite me in the ass, and I wanted to be prepared. I didn't want to be surprised if one day she decided to divorce me and take me for everything I had. I wanted a nice, hidden pool of money to comfort me in my old age. Wonderful way to live, isn't it, in a constant state of suspicion and mistrust.

A couple of years passed when, on a pleasantly warm weekend, we had Sunny and Ted over for a cook-out. That didn't happen too often, most times Casey traveled down to their place. I enjoyed their company and it was nice seeing them. As usual, Sunny tended to spend as much time with the kids as she could, but they were getting older and it seemed that their friends were now more important to them then family. In any event, the kids were warm and welcoming and suddenly scarce. It wasn't long before we heard them and the neighbor's kids screaming next door. It never ceases to amaze me - young kids have stuck volume controls, either very loud, or very low - you know, muttering.

One of our neighbors, Ann, was sitting outside chatting with Ted and Casey. Sunny was in the kitchen gathering up paper plates and plastic utensils for the hamburgers and hotdogs which were going on the grill soon. I was also in the kitchen getting a drink of water when suddenly Sunny turned to me.

"Alex," she said softly and then looked out of the window, noticing that Casey was still in conversation with Ann and Ted. She turned to me again and repeated my name. "Alex, please... please sit down. I really need to speak with you."

"Sure, Sunny. What's on your mind?" I asked as I pulled out a chair from the table.

She stood for a moment, biting her lower lip. Again she looked out of the window and then turned and sat opposite me. "Alex, please don't consider me a busybody, but I believe that there is something dreadfully wrong with your marriage and I'm more than concerned."

I sat still for a long moment, shocked. Was it that obvious? I thought that we had fooled everyone. I truly believed that no one had any idea that this so called marriage was a sham, that it was a union in name only.

"Why do you say that, Sunny?" I replied calmly. "What gave you that idea?"

"Come on, Alex. It's so damn obvious, at least to me. You and Casey are like strangers to each other. You never kiss, you never touch, in fact you both make it a point to avoid each other whenever possible."

"Sunny, you're making a mountain out of a molehill." I saw her grimace and had to chuckle. "Sorry about the cliche, but it's true. We're fine. I don't know why you expect us to be all over each other all of the time. Don't forget, we're old married people now."

Despite my attempt at levity, she seemed to see through me. "Bullshit, Alex. Don't try to bullshit me. You two are like acquaintances, you don't act like a loving couple. Don't forget, I've seen how you were before, and what I have been seeing the last few years is shocking to me. Alex, what the hell is going on? Level with me, please," she pleaded.

I sighed and thought for a moment. What the hell, she sees the truth, but I was still reluctant to spell it out. Then again, why not. It won't be that many years until the whole thing falls apart anyway. I got up and I looked out the window. Casey, Ted and Ann were still chatting away.

I turned back to Sunny and as briefly as I could I told her that she was totally correct, that our marriage was one in name only. I told her what had precipitated the collapse, I didn't try to duck any of the blame, but I have to admit I sounded bitter at how my wife had, in effect, divorced me. Oh, not legally of course, but in every other sense of the word.

Sunny sat and listened. I saw her mouth tighten as I spoke and when I had finished her face was pale and there were tears in her eyes.

"Alex, we don't have the time now, but please promise me that you'll call me and we can make plans to meet. There are things that I have to tell you. I don't know if what I will tell you will make things any more pleasant for you, but it may bring some understanding. Call me and we'll make a date to get together. Please, Alex. It's important."

"Okay, Sunny. That's no problem. I'll call you tomorrow from work," I told her, puzzled at her intensity. "In the meantime I had better get some of the food on the grill. I think that the coals are hot enough now."

Events at work the next day pushed my promise to Sunny clear out of my mind. I came in early, as was my custom, to find an email asking me to see Ray Fowler first thing in the morning. Now Ray was the Vice President of Sales and Marketing and while was not my immediate boss, I certainly didn't question the request. I quickly mounted the stairs to the executive floor.

I met Ray in the corridor. He slapped my back and quickly ushered me into his office. As I sank into the soft leather chair, he took the one next to me, not behind his desk as I would have expected him to do. He had asked Suzy, his secretary to bring us coffee and while we waited he smiled and let me know that the company appreciated all my hard work. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I looked about a bit surreptitiously, taking in the opulence of his office and the way it was tastefully decorated. Walnut paneling, lush beige, wool carpet, a large desk and executive chair, and a small bar in the corner. The large window behind the desk looked out over the small lake behind the building. These guys knew how to make work worthwhile.

"Alex, Bill Conner just quit. He handed in his resignation last night," Ray said quietly.

Jeez, Bill was one of the regional sales managers and my boss. I was stunned as to why he would just get up and quit what was a very lucrative job. Then it hit me... last night? Damn, last night was Sunday night. What the... I sat and waited for Ray to continue.

"There's no easy way to say this. We've had our eyes on him for awhile now. He's been taking kick-backs and some of our customers have been getting pissed at his greed. So when we had all the evidence we needed I confronted him and, to his credit, he didn't try to lay a load of bullshit on me. I gave him the opportunity to resign and he took it. He cleaned out his desk last night."

I just sat there, stunned. I had no idea that Bill was playing that game. I know that it wasn't happening with my customers - that I would have known. I keep good track as to what's going on with the people to whom I sell and they would have complained to me in a second if they had been pressured.

"I can guess what you're thinking," Ray smiled at me. "I know that it wasn't happening to your clients. He was playing his games with large, wholesale accounts. He was cutting prices and getting dough back under the table. What first tipped us off was the red flag that was raised by the prices he was giving certain large accounts. It didn't take us long to figure out what was going on."

I shook my head in surprise. Oh, I believed it alright, it just really shocked me. Why the idiot screwed up a truly great job for a few extra bucks just didn't make sense. Of course avid greed leads many people to extreme acts.

"Anyway," Ray continued. "We want you to fill Bill's position. You've certainly demonstrated your fitness for the job and everyone seems to like you. You know how important that is - not too many people will get pissed by being passed over. How about it, Alex. Can I shake the hand of a new regional sales manager?"

Wow, another stunner. Shit, at age in my late 30s I would be the youngest regional manager on staff. My income would shoot up dramatically. I did give some thought to Laura Ingram. Laura was a couple of years older than I, had been with the company a bit longer and it was thought that she would get the next shot at regional manager. Fuck her. Did I agree? You bet your sweet ass I did. I stuck my hand out so quickly that I made Ray laugh again. We shook hands while wearing huge, shit eating grins.

I didn't make a big deal of the promotion at home. I just explained to Casey and the kids that I had been promoted and part of the new job meant I would be traveling quite a bit. I assured the kids that I would be home almost every weekend and that they probably would get sick of seeing me around, getting in their hair. They laughed and seemed pleased that my travels wouldn't keep me away for weeks at a time.

I didn't give Casey much of a chance to comment. Once I was sure that the kids understood the situation I turned and went into my study. Glancing into the mirror over the fireplace, I saw Casey standing alone, looking at my back as I exited the room.

Every one at work seemed to delight in my promotion. Well, everyone except Laura Ingram. Oh, she said all the right things and made all the proper gestures, but I could see that she was seething inside. I could almost feel the hatred she radiated. Again, fuck her. Her husband had some kind of lucrative, commercial real estate company. It wasn't as if she needed the money. I didn't have the time or inclination to worry about that bitch.

The next weeks and months were absolutely crazy. God bless Ray. He took me under his wing and made sure that I learned the ropes. He traveled with me, introducing me to a ton of customers new to me. Fortunately, it didn't take long for me to feel comfortable in this new job. I'm not stupid, I knew what a break this was and I worked my ass off making a good impression.

As I had predicted, I was away most of the week, in one location or another, but I was always home by Friday evening. I spent as much time as I could with the children, but let's not kid ourselves. By this stage of the game they were into their friends and kid activities. While they did appreciate Dad wanting to be involved, I had to make sure that I didn't push that too much. They were trying out their wings, I didn't want to be a drag.

Casey? I don't know. Really. I don't know. I saw her infrequently during the week. Those rare evenings during the week when I was home, saw me spending most of the time in my study, doing paperwork, getting settled in the job. I didn't know what was going on with her, and frankly, I didn't care. I was just too busy to care. I was busy making a ton of money, part of which went to fatten my own personal nest egg.

Anyway, you can understand why I had totally forgotten Sunny's request that I call her. Events were overtaking me and I had totally forgotten that I had promised to call. Strangely, Sunny didn't call me and so we didn't get together for our talk for quite awhile.

I was startled out of my nap by the harsh ringing of the telephone. "Hello," I croaked, my voice feeling rusty.

"Alex, it's Reggie. Where have you been hiding? I haven't seen hide nor hair of you in days. Why not join me at Rick's this evening for dinner. Tell you what, laddie, you can pay. That should make you feel better," he chuckled.

I cleared my throat and laughed. "That sounds fine, Reg. By the way, what time is it. I must have fallen asleep reading."

"It's 3 p.m., Alex. I'll meet you there at 7. That gives you plenty of time. Don't be late," he cautioned and hung up.

I roused myself and went and looked into the mirror in the foyer. Shit. That's right, I looked like shit. I hadn't shaved in 3 days and I had forgotten if I had even showered. What the hell is wrong with me? It's not as if I had second thoughts about what I had done. It wasn't as if I was all that heart broken about the end of my marriage. It wasn't as if I was that devastated by Casey's betrayal. So why the hell was I moping about?

I thought that it could be just laziness. I hadn't had a real opportunity to be lazy in decades. College required study and part-time work. After graduation it was right into the work force. Marriage, kids, keeping up the facade of married life, all of that tended to keep one busy. I realized that this was the first time since I was a kid that I had no responsibilities, no place I had to be, no need to even look at my watch. I looked at my bare wrist - I didn't even wear one now. You know something, it's not at all difficult doing nothing.