Chapter 36

Tess had real dread, about telling Mama and Daddy about the magazine, and the pictures. Especially Dad, though. I suggested she just tell Mom, and let her pass the news on to Tess' father in whatever way Mom saw fit.

Tess, as cowardly as the next person, thought that was a splendid suggestion, and, with only minimum foot-dragging, headed for the house. "What about my brother?" she asked. "How shall I tell him?"

"No need," I told her. "He's the one who told me. He got the news first -- from Charlene."

"From Charlene! My God!"

"It's a long story," I said. "Guys scout the Internet for naked pictures. Charlene had a friend who saw the photos, knew Charlene was dating Roy, and told her about the pictures. And then, she told Roy."

"What she must think of me!" Tess said.

"I don't think she's even seen them, herself," I told her. "Anyway, what Charlene thinks of you is no biggie. Let's concentrate on Mama."

"Yeah. But this is just going to go on and on, isn't it? I mean, after Mom, there's Dad. Even if Mom tells him what happened, I've got to face 'The Look' from him, at some point... And, Will! My Dad is going to see the pictures! Everybody is going to see them! Roy Junior! He's already seen them -- hasn't he?"

"Tess, get real. Roy Junior has counted the moles on your left cheek. The lower-level one. There's nothing your brother hasn't seen already."

"This is different."

"How?"

"I'm... not sure."

"Mom. Concentrate on your Mom, remember?"

We found her, puttering in the kitchen. She had a cook. Even the cook had an assistant cook. Didn't matter. Tess' mom wanted to get that "mom" feeling, so she was hanging out, in the kitchen. She saw us coming. "Can I get you something? A snack?" she said.

"Mom. Something's happened."

Marlene Henderson looked alarmed. What had happened? What tragedy had befallen her family? What?

"Mom," Tess tried again, "It's OK! It's not... something terrible... But it's pretty bad."

"What? What?"

It had just occurred to me. Tess' mother's name was Marlene, and Roy Junior's new girlfriend-cum-fiancé, was named "Charlene."

Well, at least Charlene didn't look like Marlene. She looked like Tess.

But, I digress. Marlene Henderson was alarmed, and Tess wasn't making any progress on her story.

Well, I was the husband. The new son-in-law. I didn't much feel like it, yet. We hadn't been around the Manor much, since the wedding. I felt, pretty much, the way I had when I was supposed to be sleeping in the guest room, although everybody knew I was in there, boffing their daughter.

But, damn it, I was the official son-in-law now. I had responsibilities. "Mom," I said, trying out, for the very first time, the concept of calling my mother-in-law "Mom." "Mom," I said, "you know we went to a clothing-optional beach on our honeymoon in St. Martin."

"Yes?"

Actually, I wasn't entirely clear on whether "Mom" had known that, or not. But I was reasonably certain that something had been said about it, by somebody, somewhere along the line, before, during, or after our honeymoon trip.

"... Well, uh, Mom, while we were down there, some photographer -- some paparazzi guy from Germany -- well, he took some pictures of us, on the beach, there."

"Well -- what is it? Is he trying to blackmail you for the pictures?"

Marlene, evidently, read far too many trashy detective novels.

"No, uh, Mom. But the pictures -- very explicit pictures, especially of Tess. Well, they've been published in a German magazine."

"Well, I certainly hope it doesn't get around here, in North Carolina!" Marlene said.

"The magazine isn't here," I explained, "at least, not yet. But the pictures -- they're all over the Internet."

"You mean, people can send them on their e-mails?"

Marlene's grasp of Internet technology was rudimentary.

"They could send them on e-mail, yes," I said, "but they're also on... web sites. Nobody has to send them, exactly. They're just... there."

"Goodness!" Marlene said.

Funny, that's what Tess had said, too.

Tess was looking at me gratefully, as if I had taken the weight of the world off her shoulders.

Actually, we'd only just begun.

"Does your father know about this?" Marlene asked.

Tess finally spoke. "No. But Roy, Junior does."

"He has the magazine?"

"No. Nobody we know has the magazine, yet. But he saw them on the Internet."

"Your brother is looking at naked pictures of you on the computer?"

So, what else is new?

I thought it. I didn't say it.

"Mom..." (Me, again) "Mom, we heard about it, first, from Charlene. She..."

"Charlene!" Marlene almost screamed the name.

Somehow, Charlene's involvement in this, however peripheral, seemed to shock poor Marlene more than anything else.

Her daughter had been photographed, nude, on some foreign beach by some foreign photographer for some foreign magazine: Bad.

The whole thing is on the Internet -- again: Bad.

Roy, Junior, had seen naked pictures of his sister: Very bad.

Charlene Westfeld was indirectly involved: Now, that was just beyond intolerable!

"Charlene hasn't actually seen the pictures, Mom," I said. I had no idea whether that statement was true. Probably, I figured, Charlene was like anybody else. She'd be curious as hell about the pictures. She'd be computer-savvy. In all likelihood, by now, she'd seen the pictures.

Didn't matter. It was a lie in a good cause.

"Well, that's something, I guess," Marlene said. This was truly weird. The fact (?) that Charlene hadn't been exposed to these naked photographs was a source of enormous comfort. Marlene was visibly calmer than she had been, moments before.

"What about you, Will?... Have you seen them?"

"Uh, yes. Tess and I have... seen them."

"Would you show me how to... find them, on the computer? I need to see... how bad... it is."

Tess took the envelope out of my hand and thrust it into her mother's hands. "They're here," she said. "Will printed them out, from the computer."

Well, I wish that Tess had allowed me to select out a few shots to show Mom, there. I mean, we could have softened the blow a little. We could have avoided showing Mom her new son-in-law's whanger, too, while we were at it. After all, the problem was, Tess' pictures were in the damned magazine.

But now, Marlene had the whole batch. A better selection (at last count) than even Roy, Junior had seen. Roy -- and Charlene, too, what the hell? -- had probably caught up, by now. Possibly, Roy had my full dozen, and maybe 15 -- or even 20 -- in his possession, currently.

But, at last count, it was an even dozen, and Marlene had the batch. She ran through three or four of them, looking at each briefly, but unhurriedly.

"Who is this man with the enormous cock?" Marlene said.

Well, it turned out to be less painful, by far, to break the news to Marlene than we had anticipated. There was some degree of trepidation, on all our parts, about the next escalation of the news-spreading process. I suggested, and Tess and Marlene quickly agreed, that Tess and I should drive to Raleigh, break the news to my own family, and -- in essence -- hide out there for twenty-four hours or so, until Roy, Senior could get the news, absorb it, and come down off the ceiling.

We took out four photographs from my set of 8 x 10s (including the one with my hand on Tess' bare ass), and left the rest for Roy's perusal. I left the shots of Roland, figuring that they might serve, as in the case of Marlene, as a worthwhile distraction.

The main shots, though -- the Stand-Up, Regal Tess and the Bent-Over, What-an-Ass Tess -- and the group photo of the four of us, minding our own business but showing our businesses to the world at large, all were left intact.

What the hell? Eventually, Roy would see them all, anyway.

When my father heard about this, he'd want to see them, too. No worries. My father knew all the ins and outs of locating Internet porn. I only hoped we would be the ones to break the news to him first.