Chapter 7: Two Endings And One Beginning

Those first few weeks after these events Andrea and I avoided each other as much as possible. Each of us lived only for ourselves. Each did what we had to do. Each cooked our own meals, washed our own clothes, and lived our own lives. We only spoke to each other when absolutely needed.

Weekdays Andrea continued on as she had, coming home no earlier than eleven o'clock at night. Fridays, she would pack a bag and leave until late Sunday afternoon.

Thus, did her weeks go until three or four weeks later. On a Saturday evening, she returned unexpectedly at nine o'clock. She seemed rattled, as if something had happened and shook her up. She went into her room and stayed there almost all through Sunday. Sunday, I could hear her making and getting numerous calls on her cellphone.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, she was at home when I came home. She cooked dinner for the both of us. Monday, and Tuesday, she tried to make conversation with me, as we ate. On Wednesday, I took my plate to my room, eating at the desk in there.

Thursday, she did not get home until 3am, but on Friday, she had cooked dinner again. Instead of risking conversation, I again left for my room.

That night, when I was watching television, she came in, and sat down next to me. Saturday, I went out and bought a small TV for my room.

Saturday, evening she went out but had returned by eleven.

Another two or three weeks went by much the same. Andrea was home and cooking dinner when I got home. Only on Thursdays, did she not come home until early in the mornings, or not at all.

It had been almost eight weeks since I found out about Andrea's infidelity, when one night I woke up because I could not move. I awoke finding Andrea's arms and legs wrapped around me. My stomach retched and I jumped out of bed waking Andrea in the process. I didn't have to be sick but I was shaking and in a sweat.

Without saying a word, Andrea returned to her own bed but I could not bring myself to go back to my bed, knowing that Andrea had been there. The next day, I changed the sheets on the bed.

Three days later, I awoke again in the middle of the night to find Andrea spooned next to me. This time I slipped quietly out of the bed and slept on the couch.

The next three nights were the same and I stopped changing the linen every time.

The next night, when waking again to find Andrea in bed with me, I started to get up but Andrea grabbed my arm. "Please stay," she begged. I lay stiffly back down, and with time fell back to sleep, until... I woke with a start having dreamt about jumping from the bridge again.

The next week continued on much the same. Each night, I would go to bed alone only to find Andrea having slipped in at some time during the night. I gave up trying to leave and sleep on the couch.

That week, Andrea began to make an even greater effort to come into closer contact with me. She even went so far as to call me at work telling me she was going shopping and wanting to know if I wanted anything or wanted her to cook anything special for dinner. That call was the first time Andrea had called me at work in over six months. With all that she was doing, it was obvious that Andrea was making a serious attempt at making amends.

Yet, Thursday, she stilled went out and did not come home until some time Friday.

The next week, she was still as attentive as possible.

Tuesday and Wednesday, a few minutes after I went to bed she climbed into bed with me. She said she needed some cuddling.

On Thursday, she didn't go out and it was cuddling again at bedtime.

Friday evening, while I was lying on my bed watching TV, she came in, lay next to me, and watched.

Saturday, she left during the morning to do shopping and again in the afternoon to show someone a house. She was back though within about an hour.

Saturday evening, she wanted us to go out for dinner. I declined and told her that if she wanted to go out she could go out by herself. She stayed home and showed no anger or disappointment over what I had said.

That night and every night the next week, she either came to my bed a few minutes after me or was in bed when I came to bed. There were no sexual overtures made, she only cuddled. I always stayed as inoffensive but passive as I could.

That Thursday, she did not go out again.

Friday, when we went to bed she started to do more then just cuddle. She started to kiss me on the neck, then on the cheek, then on the lips. I stayed passive, not saying a word or doing anything. With one hand she caressed my chest and stomach before slipping under the top of my t-shirt to continue caressing me.

As she continued to give me small kisses and nibbles on my neck, her hand slid down into the front of my pajama bottoms. "I want to do this, please," she whispered as I attempted to rise.

I lay back then passively letting her for the moment. Wary of where she wanted this to go. I didn't want this but I wasn't going to stop her. I wasn't going to help her or enjoy it either. I decide to just lie there and do nothing.

I didn't know I had it in me anymore. I hadn't felt any sexual desire since that night of seeing her with her playmates.

After stroking me for a longer time, she slipped the covers down, my pajama bottoms down. Sitting on my legs, she lowered her head towards my now hard penis. Just before she took me in her mouth, she looked up at me, "This is just for you."

Even though she gave her best, it took her a long time. When I finally did come, I came but was crying. I had felt passion, but I had also felt pain in my heart and sorrow. I had not enjoyed it. I felt as if I had again been used.

She crawled back up to lay next to me, pulling the covers over us. She turned and snuggled herself into me, whispering, "I love you. I've always loved you, and I always will love you."

That night, I had the most vivid of dreams about jumping off of the bridge into an oncoming truck, that I had ever had. This time I had not awakened just before the semi hit. I awoke feeling the truck smashing into my body, tearing me into pieces. I awoke screaming out my pain.

Shaking and crying, I couldn't coherently explain to Andrea my nightmare. Andrea then held me, "Shhh, it was only a bad dream. I'm here now. I'll always be here for you. It's over now. It's all over. We'll get back together. I know it hurts still but it's over now. I know it will take time but I'm back to stay." She stayed holding me tightly, crooning soft comforting words, until I slept a fitful sleep.

The next day Saturday, I was up early and went hiking in the woods. I had to think and think alone, where no one or nothing would bother me. Did she really mean what she had said last night? Was she serious? What did I feel? Could I forgive her? What would our marriage be like, with all those memories haunting us? I didn't know, I seriously didn't know.

Even after my legs were weary, I had come to no better conclusion than just to wait and see how things worked out. So, I returned home, to find Andrea humming a tune, the apartment spotlessly clean, and dinner cooking on the stove.

The weeks went by, and even though I remained skeptical, we were making slow progress.

One night, after Andrea had stroked me hard, she got on top of me, and she made love to a still passive me.

It didn't stay that way. She slowly wore me down to the point of finally returning her kisses and caresses. Our lovemaking was then, lying side-by-side, facing each other, and at all times gentle and tender. We didn't have sex any more; we made slow gentle love, which sometimes took hours.

I was slowly beginning to come out of my shell, when Andrea asked me one Friday, if we couldn't go out to eat. I gave in.

The dinner was nice but I did feel uncomfortable when people would greet Andrea. Even though all were couples, and some of them older couples, I kept wondering if she had had sex with them too. I couldn't keep those questions out of my mind. The image of Andrea on the bed with those others had not been directly in my thoughts for a while but now it was again. The people were all friendly towards me and not overtly friendly towards Andrea, so I decided that it was just my over jealous mind, playing tricks on me.

I was cautious over the outcome of the evening but Andrea was in good spirits as we drove home.

Saturday, Andrea again begged that we go out to dinner, "Please, it's my treat tonight. Didn't you enjoy it last night? Oh come on, you need to get out more." So we went.

This dinner club had a bar with a room for dancing next to the dining area. After we had eaten, Andrea dragged me into that room and we sat at the bar, because all the tables were full.

After we had our drinks, we danced some. This was a dance place for dances like fox trot, samba, tango or slow fox. For the next hour, we danced some then rested and had a drink then danced some more.

At one time, Andrea went off to the ladies room. After about 20 minutes, she wasn't back so I began to wonder and worry. I got up and started to go in the direction of the restrooms.

Before I got there, I saw her off in a dark corner talking to a man. He was a tall, well-built, dark haired man... just Andrea's type. Andrea was leaning against the wall and he was directly in front of her with his hands on her hips, their crotches pressed together. His face was only inches away from her. Her hands were both on his shoulders and she was smiling up at him. It was obvious that they had been lovers... and most likely still were.

From the attention she was giving him, I would have had to walk directly up to her before she would even notice me. So that's what I did. I walked up to them and asked Andrea if she would introduce us.

He only turned and looked down at me as if I were a disturbance. It was obvious that he had no idea who I was.

Andrea first had a wide-eyed stunned look on her face and turned crimson red while trying to push him back from her.

I just turned and walked out of the place and to the car. Andrea was right behind me.

In the car, Andrea tired to explain that he was just someone she knew and that he had been away on vacation and just come back. He had been telling her about his vacation, that was all.

I stopped the car along side the road, so I could see her reaction, "You've fucked him haven't you?"

Again, she turned a vivid red as her eyes dropped down to her hands.

Still staring at her, watching her reactions intently, "And you're going to fuck him again, aren't you?"

With tears in her eyes, but her voice too loud to be honest, "Conner, don't think that! I love you and only you. Yes, I did and only once have sex with him but that's over now. That time is over. Please believe me. Don't pull away from me again. I can't take that, please, oh please Conner. I need you."

That night, I turned my back on Andrea when she came to my bed. She did not climb in but went to hers.

Sunday was quiet around the house. We avoided speaking much.

Monday, Andrea told me she had a meeting Tuesday evening. It would keep her late. She might not be in before nine o'clock.

Tuesday, Andrea didn't get home until well after midnight. She went directly to her own room.

Wednesday evening, Andrea was home but she was acting nervous as if she was contemplating something. That night she did come to my bed and we cuddled and kissed before sleeping.

Thursday when I got home, Andrea was sitting at the kitchen table with a very sad and pensive look, "Conner, I've got to do this. I can't just let this go. I know I said it was all over. I thought it was over. I honestly did. I'm going to go out with him Saturday night. I have to talk with him."

I couldn't believe this, "Andrea if you go out with him on Saturday, I won't be here when you come back. I won't come back no matter what you say or do. It'll be over between us. I can't take this again. It'll kill me."

Andrea's face had an utter look of disbelief on it, as if this, she had in no way, anticipated, "Conner, it's not that way. We're only going to talk. That's all. Even if there is something between us, I won't do anything. I'll come back here so we can first talk. Don't leave me yet, please."

"No Andrea, you either love me or you love him. I'm not going to accept that you stay with me only because he doesn't want you enough," with that I walked back out the door and went to a restaurant to eat and think.

Coming back to the apartment, Andrea was sitting in the darkened living room. Her eyes were red as if she had been crying. She looked up at me as if she wanted to say something. As if she hoped that we would talk.

I walked past her and went to my room. I closed the door and locked it before climbing into bed.

A half an hour later, the doorknob jiggled. Andrea wanted to come to me but I wasn't going to allow that to happen. Now was the time for her to think and decide. After that and by her actions, I would do what I must do.

I didn't know what I could possible have for a life without her. However, with her, my only option in the end would be the bridge. That was no option.

It took me a long time to fall asleep and when I did, I had a different dream about the bridge and the semi truck.

I dreamt, I was standing again at the top of the bridge, a semi truck was coming in the distance, and I knew that just before it passed under me, I would jump.

As the truck was getting closer, I saw out of the corner of my eye a movement. I turned to look and there stood a girl. It was the young woman, I had seem so many years ago, staring back at me out of Janice's bedroom mirror.

This time, there was no scorn, or mockery, in her eyes. They were eyes showing kindness, caring and concern. They showed love. She was holding out one hand to me. Beckoning me to come to her. Extending that hand for me to take.