Chapter 3B

"Good morning, sunshine," Karen cheerfully said, waking Steve from a deep sleep. "You were so out of it that I was able to go get coffee and bagels and you still haven't moved since I left. I was about to check to make sure you had a pulse." He slowly got out of bed and joined her for breakfast.

He enjoyed the morning with her, although there was no repeat of the fireworks from the previous night. They talked cheerfully, being careful to stay away from any discussion about the possible change in their relationship caused by last night's activities. Steve got ready to leave just after noon, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek with no trace of passion. As he awkwardly kissed her, he felt more confused than ever. He was so lost in his thoughts; he didn't notice her expression as he left.

Karen called several times that night, but Steve didn't pick up, trying to find some kind of answer within himself before talking to her. It worked until Sunday around noon. He was sitting in his living room (which was also the bedroom), when there was a knock at the door. It seemed odd because no one ever stopped by the apartment. He opened it to find Karen, her eyes red from crying. 'How can this shit just continue to keep getting worse?' he thought in frustration.

"Karen, are you all right?" he said, already knowing the answer.

"No, Steve, I'm not all right."

She pushed past him and sat on the edge of the bed. "I shared an incredible night with someone who is very important to me, and the next day he couldn't get away fast enough. When you left, I'm surprised you didn't shake my hand instead of that pathetic kiss. Then you blow off my phone calls. Is this what I should expect this week at work, you completely ignoring me? I think I deserve better."

Steve was devastated to have hurt her and scrambled for a way to explain how he felt. "Of course you deserve better," he said sadly. "I wasn't sure how to act. I'm sorry that I handled it so badly." He took her hand and stroked it gently. "The way you made me feel Friday night was amazing. I think it was too good." She looked at him, clearly confused.

"I'm so sorry. I just wasn't ready to feel like that. It felt so perfect that I didn't know how to handle it. I care about you very deeply and don't want you to get hurt because of how messed up I am right now. You are really important to me and I don't know what the hell I'm feeling. I'm having trouble dealing with how badly things went with Terry. I don't know how I could handle screwing this up with you."

The tears she was fighting flowed freely as she pulled her face into his shoulder. Quietly, she whispered, "I love you."

Steve's stomach did a flip as he tried to digest that. "Karen, I... " She put a finger against his lips to stop him.

"Steve, I need to be honest with you." She took a deep breath to steady herself and continued. "I've been attracted to you from the day you hired me. Every time I ran into you at work or at a function, I felt it stronger. For a while, I tried to avoid you because I was afraid of the way I was feeling. I knew you were happily married and I didn't think you would possibly be interested. Even if I was wrong, I would never want to be the other woman."

She looked at him sadly, reliving a painful memory. "When everyone was talking at work about you leaving Terry, I never doubted for a second that she must have done something terrible to you. I saw the way everybody was treating you and couldn't take it, so I tried to help. It was difficult because a part of me couldn't stop thinking about how I felt, but I knew how lonely you must have been and had to be near you."

Karen wiped away her tears and continued. "I never meant for anything to happen between us, but when I saw how upset you were Friday, I couldn't help it. I knew it would make things awkward, but I wasn't ready for the way you acted yesterday. If you don't want to be anything more than friends, I will do my best to live with it. I want you in my life, no matter what." She bowed her head as she finished.

Steve was stunned at the confession. "I had no idea. I really like you, but I never thought you saw me like that." He couldn't stop himself from smiling. "When I saw you walk out your door Friday, I started doubting my ability to restrain myself." She brightened a little at the compliment.

"Karen, I like you, very much. I'm just having so many problems right now; I don't know how I can be fair to you. When you walked in, you said you deserved better. I had the exact same thought when you fell asleep Friday night. I held you and thought about how I would feel if you got hurt because of what's going on with me. It scared me. I hope you can understand that." He paused, unable to think of anything else to say to better explain himself.

She sat silently, considering what he had said. "I need you to stop worrying about me and how you 'might' hurt me someday. Let me know what you want to do and I'll take care of myself, all right?" When he nodded, she continued. "There is something that you need to do, and I'd like you to do it today."

"What's that?" he asked, willing to do almost anything to make up for how he had slighted her.

"Talk to Terry and figure out if you're really over her." As Steve opened his mouth to object, she held up her hand to silence him again, then went on. "It's obvious you still love her. After you talk to her, if you feel like you're ready to move on, then we can talk about us, even if it's down the road. If you decide that you want to wait around until you feel like you can give her another chance, I will do my best to accept it. However, I won't put up with this denial you're going through. You need to find out what you really want to do and stop running away."

Steve tried to protest, but she was intractable. "You need to talk to Terry to deal with your feelings. There's no way you would have reacted like you did Friday if part of you didn't still love her. I've never been so scared in my life, but I can't live with knowing that the only reason you're with me is that you haven't talked to her yet. It would make me feel like your second choice and I'd know that someday you could change your mind and just walk away from me."

"Karen, that would never happen," he said emphatically, but he couldn't hide his guilty look.

Despite his strong denial, Steve knew there was some truth to what she was saying. Over the months since he left home, he had often questioned his own motives for the way he chose to end things. He wondered if there wasn't some part of him that wanted to give Terry another chance. He had loved her so much, then just tried cutting her out of his life over the course of a couple of days. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but he had come to doubt almost all of his decisions regarding her.

However, that was only part of the equation. He looked at Karen, noting the concern evident in her expression. She looked so fragile and afraid that he just wanted to hold her. The way she had helped him through the last few months made him feel closer to her than he thought possible under the circumstances. Despite the uncertainty of his feelings for Terry, the thought of possibly losing Karen was crushing. He felt trapped with no way to escape without causing someone even more pain, especially himself.

Steve reluctantly grabbed his cell phone and dialed. It rang a couple of times, before a nervous voice said, "Hello."

"Terry, it's Steve." He looked at Karen, who squeezed his leg encouragingly. "I wondered if I might be able to stop by to talk... if you don't have plans," he added hastily.

There was silence on the other end for a second, before the quiet response came. "I'm free tonight if you want to stop by."

When he hung up, he looked at Karen, who was trying to appear supportive. Despite her insistence that Steve needed to talk to Terry to work out some inner demons, she really was afraid. There was no doubt in her mind that this was the man she wanted to spend her life with, but she knew she could lose him either way. She could lose him to the ghost of his ex-wife and how it prevented him from moving on, or to the real woman.

Steve tried to think of something to say to comfort her. Because of her confession, he knew how hard it must have been for her to make her suggestion. The fact that she did it because she thought it was what he needed was astonishing. It was incredibly selfless, reminding him of what an amazing woman she really was. He felt guilty, knowing she would be sitting alone for the next few hours, driving herself crazy thinking about what might be happening. Not knowing what else he could do, Steve held her tightly and kissed her, reassuring her that everything would be all right. He tried to convince himself as well.

As Steve's car pulled into the driveway, he idly wondered what it would feel like to be a visitor to this house. He parked in the driveway and slowly walked to the door. He rang the doorbell and nervously waited. When it opened, the discomfort he felt in front of the restaurant seemed like a minor disturbance. Terry looked amazing, just dressed in slacks and a blouse, with little makeup and her hair pulled back. She looked like she felt about as uncomfortable as he did, but invited him in, keeping her voice cordial.

When he was seated on the couch, she asked, "Would you like a drink?"

"Yeah, could I have a beer please?" he said, not really wanting it, but feeling the need to have something to focus his attention on.

Terry came back a couple of minutes later with two drinks and took a seat across from him. The two fidgeted as they stared blankly at each other. "Why did you want to talk today?" she finally asked, staring at her drink.

"I guess it's because of Friday," Steve answered weakly. "I couldn't have imagined running into you like that and I felt like we needed to clear the air a little."

Terry got a little defensive, "Look, you don't owe me an explanation. We're divorced and we both went out with people." She looked up at him, "You haven't talked to me in months, I just don't understand why now."

He took a deep breath, feeling like a jerk for not talking with her before. "Terry, I'm sorry that I never gave you a chance to tell me your side of things before. No matter how I felt, you were my wife and I loved you. The way I acted was wrong." He paused, waiting to see if she wanted to say anything.

When she didn't add anything, he continued. "About the woman I was with, it wasn't a date. Karen is a friend from work who has been helping me cope with all this shit. When I found out about the divorce being final, I was upset so she insisted on us going out to get my mind off of it."

She looked up at him hopefully, "She's just a friend?"

Now it was Steve's turn to look at his glass. He watched it intently as it turned in his fingers. No matter how much he struggled, there were no words that could explain things. "She was just a friend. After I saw you, I was kind of upset so we skipped dinner. Things happened after that, I didn't mean for them to, but now everything's more complicated."

Terry was silent as Steve tried to think of something else to say. Finally, she spoke quietly, "Mine wasn't a date either." She looked into his eyes, as if she was trying to decipher his reaction. "His parents are friends with my mom and dad. He was in town for the weekend and my mom thought I shouldn't be alone so asked me to go out with him. When I saw you, I was so embarrassed. I didn't want you to think I'd just be out dating the night the divorce went through."

"You're telling me you haven't been dating?" Steve asked quickly.

She continued to stare at him with a determined look. "I haven't dated anyone and I'm not going to date anyone. I love you and I don't want to see anyone else. I know you don't believe me because of what I did, but it's the truth."

Steve continued to feel his guts twisting. Her pain was so obvious; it was making him extremely uncomfortable. He had expected her to feel like this, but it was entirely different to hear her say it. "Terry, I don't know what to say. I didn't come here to make you feel bad; I just... I just can't seem to figure out what to do. I want to be able to move on, but I don't know how. When I saw you, I... "

She leaned forward, "You what?"

Something snapped and Steve let everything spill out. "I felt like someone stuck a knife in me and was twisting it. I saw you with him and I couldn't take it. It's the same thing as when they called me about the divorce, I thought I was going to pass out." He stopped, suddenly worried he sounded like an idiot.

Terry was quiet for a minute. She never took her eyes off her drink. "Now you know how I've felt every day since you left." There was silence between them for a minute before she spoke again.

"I want you to know that I talked to my family about everything. I couldn't deal with them being upset with you because you were too good a man to tell them what I did. I don't know what they'll do, but I made sure that Mom and Dad understood."

Steve looked at her gratefully. "Thank you. That really means a lot to me. I can live with what anyone else thinks, but their opinion is really important to me. I still don't expect to be invited to Christmas dinner."

They both laughed quietly, the sound shocking to each of them. Steve was surprised she did that, considering there was no upside for her. It was out of character for the way she had been behaving over the last few months of their marriage. It was good to see that side of her again; it made him feel something unexpected.

"Terry, I swear I'm not asking this to hurt you," Steve paused, seeing her fearful expression. He tried to give her a reassuring look before he continued; "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Can you try to tell me why you did it? I've tried everything I can think of to deal with what happened, but I still can't. I thought maybe if I understood... " he trailed off, concerned he might have pushed too far.

She thought quietly for a moment, debating what she should say. Was he trying to trick her to give himself an opportunity to get even? She studied his face and decided that kind of deviousness was beyond him. He looked like he was hurting as badly as he was the day they met in her lawyer's office.

He would never be able to understand how much his words hurt her that day. It might not have been as bad if she hadn't said every one of the same things to herself. He confirmed every hateful thing she felt about herself and what she had done. The only thing she'd been able to hold on to was the thought that he had done it too, so he couldn't judge her. When she found out he had turned Jackie down, it was utterly devastating.

"I tried to apologize to you about it for over a month and you wouldn't even return my phone calls. Would it really make any difference now?" she asked with some bitterness.

"It would to me," he said. He tried to let down his defenses, hoping she could understand how much he needed to know.

Now it was Terry's turn to let down her defenses. It didn't seem like a big gamble. Was there any way he could hurt her more than she already had been? "I'll tell you anything you want to know. I want you to understand that I'm doing it because it's the only thing you've asked from me since you left and I would do anything to take away some of the pain I caused you." She took a deep breath, preparing herself to say things out loud that had been killing her to even think about.

"You know that Jackie and I had been teasing each other about how great our husbands were for months. It started small, but by the end, we talked about everything, even how many times we came during sex." She looked embarrassed, but was determined to not hold anything back. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she held out a slim hope that there was still some way back from this catastrophe.

"The first night I watched them, I told her that you made me have more orgasms than any other wife. She told me how spectacular Ted was and dared me to listen so I could hear for myself." She wiped her tears with the back of her hand and sniffed loudly.

"It sounds so stupid now. I would give anything for the chance to take it back. When I walked to their door, I noticed that it was open a little and I could see them in the mirror. I never even considered that she did it on purpose. Something went through me that I've never felt before. It was so dirty, so wrong and I felt like I was on fire."