Chapter 2

I went down to the kitchen the next morning, dreading what I might find, but John was gone and there were no notes or anything to tell me where he had gone. I didn't even know whether he had stayed last night or left. I had no choice but to wait. I called work and told them that I was not able to come in today and might have to call off the rest of the week. I prepared myself for what was to come. I wondered what I could do and decided to see if I could reach Bobby. I had to let him know that John knew I had been unfaithful and it would soon become clear that Bobby was the most likely candidate. At least I thought that's how John would think.

I decided to call his cell phone first just to be safe. I dialed the number and waited.

"Hello? Eve?"

"Yes, Bobby, it's me. I have something to tell you. I'm pregnant and the baby is yours. I don't know whether John has figured it out yet but you have to be very careful. Do you hear me?"

"Why would I have to be careful? Isn't the baby his? My God Eve, we only had one time together. How could it be my baby?"

"John is sterile. He has been all his life. He just didn't know it till last night. He told me last night when I told him I was pregnant. He's gone and I don't know where he is. He never said a word to me after he told me. I'm scared now and I don't know what to do. Just be careful."

I hung up without giving him time to ask more questions or to tell me not to worry. I knew John, and I was worried. Bobby would have to be careful but maybe John wouldn't figure it out. My life was now in a mess and I had no idea of where it would end up but I didn't want Bobby to have to be part of it. If he could stay clear, so much the better. I gathered my courage and waited. I didn't have long to wait.

The phone rang and I rushed to answer. I prayed that it was John but in the same instant, I prayed it wasn't.

"Hello? John? Is that you?"

"It's me. Are you alone?"

"Of course I'm alone. Where are you? Are you coming home? We have to talk. You have to come home so we can talk. John?"

"I'll be there in half an hour."

"Where are... "

He had already hung up and I was talking to a dial tone. I put the receiver down and wondered how I was going to handle this. The truth? God, how did I get myself into this mess. If I tell the truth, I cause trouble between John and his brother. If I lie, I stand to lose my marriage without any doubt. If I tell the truth, I have a chance that John will understand the compassion for a family member who was in pain. If I lie, there is no chance that he would ever forgive me. To lie or not to lie. It seems that the only chance for me was with the truth.

True to his word, John was there in less than half an hour. He came in the front door as he always did and didn't say a word as he went into the kitchen for a beer. He popped the top and walked back to the family room where I was waiting. He sat down across from me in his recliner and just watched me as he took a sip of his beer. I couldn't tell from his face what he was thinking so I waited, not sure of how to begin. I decided to let him set the pace and speak first.

"Well, how have you been? Seeing anyone? But of course you're seeing someone. You're pregnant, for God's sake so you have to be seeing someone. How can I be so stupid?"

I tried to stifle a small sob but I was unsuccessful. It came out as a hiccup as I tried to swallow the sound. Well, that was how it was going to be. Brutal! Well, if I was going to lose it all, I wasn't going down without a fight. John knew me and he knew I wouldn't let him treat me like a tramp. I knew that what I did was wrong, but I wasn't a tramp or a slut.

"I'm not seeing anyone and I never have. It was a one time thing and it happened, but I wasn't seeing anyone. It just happened. I can tell you about it if you want to listen, but if you'd rather take cheap shots at me, I'll wait till you're done."

"Ah, a good defense is a good offense huh? Well, why don't you tell me all about it and we can both have a big laugh. Tell me about your boyfriend. Let's hear it."

OK, now it was time. How to do this? All I could think of was to tell the truth and let it fall.

"When you went to Fort Wayne a couple of months ago and had to stay over, you know Bobby came over and stayed the night."

I stopped when he jumped up and grabbed me by the throat. He had his hand on me and I could feel it tighten, but he stopped himself with an oath. It cost him, but he stopped. He had never laid a hand on me in anger but he almost did that time. Rather than pull back, I raised my head, exposing my neck to his anger and waited. He released me and backed down. He moved to the couch and sat again.

"Go ahead. Tell me all of it."

Well, I did. I told him of hearing Bobby crying and going to him and holding him. I told him how it went and how I tried to comfort him. I let him know that the sex was nothing more than a comforting. I tied to get him to see how I felt at that time and how we just came together giving comfort and trying to stop the pain. I told him to remember how much better Bobby was in the next few weeks and that it was worth it just to help him past that terrible time in his life. He was suffering incredible pain and no one was able to help him. That was all it was. That one time and never again. I was conscious that I didn't tell him of the second time that same night but I thought that it was bad enough to know that I had sex with his brother once. I would bear the shame of that alone.

I finished and just waited. It was in his hands now. I had been almost completely truthful and I had to wait to see if I had a future with my husband. But as I waited, he said nothing. He was looking at the floor and not at me. His mouth was working as if he were saying words but I couldn't make them out. I was becoming nervous as he continued in this way. I finally could stand it no longer and gave vent to my frustrations.

"Well, don't you have anything to say? Aren't you going to yell at me and call me names? I deserve it. Anything at all, I deserve it. Just say something."

He finally looked at me and I saw nothing in his face. That's right: nothing at all. Just a cold, dead stare that was worse than any words. But, he did speak.

"When you gave Bobby this comfort of yours, what did he do? Did he say 'no, I can't do this, ' or 'this is wrong' or anything to try to stop you?

"Well, no. He was the one that initiated it but I let it continue. So, no, he didn't try to stop me."

"That's what I thought."

This was directed at me but then he began to talk almost to himself. I could hear but he wasn't talking to me.

"So, he was the one that started it. I should have known. I should have suspected. But no, I thought. He's my brother so I don't have to worry. He wouldn't do it again."

At that, John stood up from the couch and turned without another word and walked out the front door, slamming it behind him. I was so surprised that I didn't even try to stop him. By the time I reacted, he was gone and I heard his car pull away.

I waited for something to happen all that day but nothing. I tried to call John on his cell but got his voice mail. Same with Bobby. I finally gave up and waited. Still nothing. As I fixed a small lunch for myself, I wondered if I should call Sal or Charity. I had no idea if John had told them or where he had been staying since he left last night. I decided to wait and let John decide what to do next.

By evening, I still had no word. John had apparently decided to punish me with his silence and his absence. Bobby wouldn't contact me now so I could expect no word from him. Since I was not the silent suffering type, I decided to call Charity and see if she would meet me.

I got her at home and spoke with her for a minute to see if she knew anything. It was quickly apparent she knew nothing. I decided right then and there to tell her and see what she would suggest. I asked her if she could meet with me outside the house, maybe at the Denny's on the corner near her home. She agreed, somewhat suspiciously, but she would meet me. I left immediately and arrived just as she did. We found a booth.

"So, tell me what the secret is all about. I know you have something to tell me and I hope it's good news."

"Well, Charity, I'm pregnant. I'm going to have a baby and I'm almost three months along."

Her face split into a grin and she leaned across the table to grab my shoulders and give me a big kiss. Charity had suffered much from the loss of Celina and her little granddaughter, almost as much as Bobby. She and Sal wanted grandchildren just as much as we wanted to give them to her.

"Charity, please, let me tell you something before you go any further. I need your help. Will you hear me out before you say anything?"

"Of course, but you should be happy. This is great news!"

"Charity, the baby is not John's. It's Bobby's."

She just stared at me as if I had gone crazy. She struggled with this information and it was almost as though she couldn't grasp it. Her face got red and she was breathing very fast. I could see her chest heaving and I saw her clench her fists until the knuckles were white. It was a battle, but she finally got herself under control. She looked at me with contempt on her face.

"How can this be? You and Bobby? Bobby who just lost his wife and baby? How could you do this thing? Tell me! How could you stab my son in the back by sleeping with his brother?"

"It isn't like that. I asked you to let me tell you the truth before you blame me for everything. Are you not going to listen to me?"

She glared at me some more but finally stopped, looked at her clenched fists and relaxed. She looked up with more control and told me to continue. I let out the breath I had been holding and continued.

"I was not having an affair with Bobby and he and I were together only one time. It was almost three months ago and on a night John had to go to Fort Wayne and had to stay over. Bobby had come to our house because he was hurting too much to go with John. He wanted to stay that night since he was in too much pain to be alone. I spoke with John when he called and told him Bobby was there. He said he was happy about it since Bobby shouldn't be alone. I agreed and he slept on the couch in the family room.

I stopped to take a drink of water and to watch Charity's face. She had turned away when I mentioned Bobby's pain. I knew that both Sal and Charity had been so worried about him during that time and they were unable to do anything to ease his pain. But Charity was listening now and she seemed to be willing to hear me out so I continued.

"I came down to get some warm milk to help me sleep and I heard him crying. I went in to comfort him and I held him in my arms. You must understand. You certainly have seen his grief and felt helpless. I was only trying to give him support and let him know he wasn't alone. He was crying so hard and I was holding him tight when he began to caress me. I can't explain what happened after that, only that I was filled with compassion and I didn't want to cause him any more pain by reacting in anger. After that, it happened."

Charity was openly crying now as she heard the pain that Bobby was in. It was the sadness of a mother for her son. A son she couldn't help. I just let her cry, recognizing the irony of the situation. I just waited for Charity to calm herself.

It was several minutes while she wept for her wounded son. I knew that this would not change things but I hoped it would allow Charity to understand what happened and how I had let it happen.

"I understand how you tried to comfort my son but I do not understand how you allowed this to happen. You are John's wife and you have no right to permit things to go as far as you did. Your compassion was welcome but your lack of self restraint was not. You were wrong, just as my son was wrong. But, there is more to it."

Charity now looked me in the eye and told me the depth of the problem.

"Celina was John's girlfriend before she married Bobby. It was Bobby who took her away from John and that caused a great division between my sons. It was not Celina's fault and we never blamed her since she was truly in love with Bobby. She couldn't help her feelings and she told John to his face that she didn't love him like she loved Bobby. But John never accepted it and he blamed Bobby for taking her away. There was bad blood between them for a long time before John finally let it go. Celina talked to him and continued to talk to him until she had him convinced that Bobby hadn't caused her to leave him. It was almost a year into their marriage before John relented. I never believed he had fully forgiven Bobby but he tried."

I was now beginning to understand why John had said what he did when he walked out on me. He was blaming Bobby again and I guess I could understand why. Even though it was not true on my part. But Bobby's? I couldn't know for sure.

"What can I do? Will John be able to forgive me? Will he forgive Bobby?"

"I don't know child. I can only try to talk to him if he comes back. I don't know where either of them are now. Sal didn't say anything about it but he was worried that something was wrong with them. He said they had words and then they both left together. That was today."

Now I was worried. They were together? That couldn't be good if John felt Bobby had betrayed him. And Bobby might feel the same way and that wasn't any better. What had I done? I knew now that I was foolish, regardless of my motives. I knew better and yet I had let it happen. I was responsible for whatever happened.

"I have to go home and hope that John calls or comes back. I have to talk to him and make him see that there was nothing to what we did. The child is still of his blood and he will love it regardless. I know he will if he will only let his anger go. I'll tell him. He'll have to see it."

"I don't know child. John had a deep anger inside him that has been controlled for so long. This might be all that was necessary to bring it back to the surface. Only time will tell. Go. I'll talk to Sal and tell him your story. I'll be in touch."

I left and went back to the house to wait. I would wait till John allowed me to tell him how much I still loved him and how much I wanted him back in my arms and in my bed. I would wait as long as it took.

I stayed in the house for the next three days, waiting for some word form John or even Charity. I had no idea where he could be and why he hadn't at least called to tell me to go to Hell or something like that. Anything would have been preferable to this interminable waiting. Without any other choice, I waited.

It was on the fourth day after I told John of my pregnancy that he came home. I was sitting at the kitchen table, trying to eat something even though I had no appetite when he walked in and sat down across the table from me. I dropped my fork and sat back, relieved but scared. It was time.

"I'm glad you're home. I've been worried for you. I didn't know where you were or what you were doing. I only hoped you wouldn't do something foolish, even though I did."

John was looking at me with this strange look on his face. I had never seen its like before and I was fearful. It was a cruel look and I knew it was directed at me. I still had no fear of John but I also had little hope for a future with him. But, at least he was here and for that I was thankful. One way or the other, something would happen.

"I have spoken with Robert. I have told him he and I are no longer brothers. I will have nothing to do with him from this day forward. He has betrayed me once too often. The child you bear will never belong to him and he will never be allowed to see it."

He stood and began to pace the small kitchen area with his hands clasped behind his back and his head lowered watching the floor. I could see his jaws clenched tightly, the muscles bulging out. He was controlling his anger but only barely. I waited.

"While you were guilty of infidelity, he was guilty of betrayal. Betrayal of our marriage, betrayal of me as his brother, betrayal of our family and coveting his brother's wife. None of those can be forgiven this time. If it was the first time, perhaps. But it wasn't and he knew it. Yet he went ahead, encouraged by your acceptance. Together the two of you betrayed me."