Act 4: The Meeting

Helene

Helene Connors sat in the spacious conference room at Johnson and Kemp Attorneys at Law, the yellow legal pad on the large polished table in front of her mocked her with its emptiness. She was getting ready for the most important meeting of her life and she sat there, mind wandering, unable to put a cogent argument together about why Michael should not divorce her. For a week she had been attempting, without success, to make notes or bring some semblance of order to her jumbled thoughts. Each time she sat down and was forced to concentrate the tears would blot out any attempt at writing. She had replayed their twenty-five years of marriage over and over but it always that day seven months ago that hit her like a runaway locomotive — Michael's birthday - when her orderly and safe world disintegrated.

She nervously fingered the heavy ring that was suspended from a gold chain around her neck. Tears burned at the memory of its discovery. She found it about three weeks after Michael had disappeared when she had to get some documents from their floor safe. As she rummaged around in the safe, sitting on the garage floor, she came across Michael's wedding ring. At first she was surprised.

"What on earth is Michael's ring doing in here?"

Then she was stunned. The realization hit her. He had been home sometime before he left for wherever he had gone. Obviously, sometime after he had discovered her infidelity. But... but she had thought he was out of town... in his messages he told her he was in DC! He had been in the house and she had not known it. She had shaken with fear at the thought it was when she had been... been in the house with Brian. Somehow the thought of Michael seeing her with Brian was worse than knowing he had seen photos and watched a DVD. "God, why on earth had she done it?"

"When?" And why hadn't she noticed? Had he packed? Had he taken anything with him?

When she pulled the ring from its resting place in the bottom of the safe she was crushed. Finding the ring did more damage to her fragile state of mind than had Teri and all the photos and recordings. It most certainly meant that Michael had decided that there could be no forgiveness and their marriage was over.

A couple of hours later Megan found her mother prostrate and sobbing in the garage, the ring clenched in her hand.

Like a talisman that could perhaps protect him and at the same time be a connection to Michael, Helene put it on a heavy gold chain and never took it off. Dr. Claudia Chambers, her psychiatrist, said that perhaps it also acted to remind Helene every day of her infidelity and that it might help her focus her thoughts on him for a change.

Dr. Chambers was an attractive dark haired woman in her forties who ascribed to the "Dr. Laura" version of psychiatry - tough questions — tough answers and no excuses.

Helene hardly needed a reminder of her infidelity or her loss of Michael. Over the last seven months she had lost her way. Michael had been the constant in her life — the only man she ever loved — loved from the moment she saw him. She missed him every day, every moment and was plagued with dread that she would never see him again, never hold him, and never make love to him.

Michael had always been there with his love despite her self absorption, her selfishness, her narcissism — yes, narcissism - that's what Dr. Chambers helped her realize. She also realized now that over twenty-five years he had taken much better care of her than she of him and their girls. Megan and Liz had grown to be strong independent young women, not because of Helene, but despite her, and that was due to Michael. He was always the one who made time for school plays and sports and teacher conferences, and bedtime stories, while Helene was off trying some high-profile case. She was happy enough with the idea of parenthood especially if you have two beautiful intelligent daughters — it was just the practical side and the execution of parenthood that had her stumped. Helene thought ruefully of the time she had joked to a female friend that "the "mommy" gene had skipped her altogether."

She thought about Megan and Liz and how they stayed with her and tried to help her — because they learned about love and compassion and forgiveness from Michael.

"But... will Michael be able to forgive me?"

"I don't know Helene... can Helene forgive Helene?" asked Dr. Chambers.

Helene thought for awhile. "I don't think so Claudia."

"Why?"

"Because I was stupid and made a huge mistake that cost me the love of my life and everything we've built together... and... and... I love him so much." Helene replied tearfully.

"So Helene... lets talk about... why you never talk about how you must have made Michael feel... why to you think he chucked everything and left without a word?"

Helene looked out the windows of the conference room at Johnson and Kemp at the naked trees in the fog misted gloom. How had she come to this terrible crossroads in her life where it appeared she was going to have to continue alone? The idea of growing old alone always frightened her. Helene's mother had died of cancer when she was thirteen. Her father was never the same and died shortly after Helene and Michael were married. When she found Michael she was able to overcome her fears of abandonment. She knew that Michael would always be there and would take care of her. He was always there to help her, understand her and to put up with her tantrums and bouts of bitchiness.

When she had been told he had been shot after the bank robbery in LA and might not recover, she was hysterical with fear. She couldn't imagine life without Michael. She could barely stand to visit him in the hospital while he was unconscious because of her fear. He looked so close to death with his head bandaged and various tubes and wires connected to his body, Helene couldn't stand it.

When the hospital called and said he was awake she fell on her bed and sobbed for quite some time with relief and pent-up emotion. It took her a couple of hours to pull herself together. She knew that Teri thought she was too busy and selfish to hurry to Michael's side, but she was determined that Michael not see any sign her worry and fear. She forced herself to wait until she was beautiful and composed to visit the hospital.

Now she faced that grim prospect again. This time it was as if she had taken the gun to Michael herself.

Her psychiatrist had rattled her by asking,

"Why is it always about you Helene?"

"What?"

"Your fears of growing old alone... your fears that Michael might not forgive you and decide to try to keep the marriage together."

"I don't understand."

"I don't think you do Helene... Are you not listening? What about Michael? You never talk about how he must feel. Unfortunately he didn't stay around long enough to confront you and tell you his feelings. How do you know he even cares?"

Those questions shook her to her core.

With the help of Dr. Chambers she had learned that she had become so complacent with the undisputed fact of Michael's love and support that she abused that love. She could partake in risky behavior without consequence because the love that surrounded her would always be there.

Helene, who questioned everything and was always looking for the evidence, suddenly didn't need evidence of Michael's affair. Why had she been taken in by Brian's insinuations and flat out lies?

"Helene, it appears you were ready to take the leap into an affair regardless... but convincing yourself of Michael's infidelity helped assuage your guilt."

Dr. Chambers had it right. Somehow she wanted the affair.

"You were ready for it, and Brian was the first man who picked up on the unmistakable signs of a wife looking for sex outside her marriage."

She knew that she never should have started with Brian. He had a reputation in the office as a lady's man and Helene found his attention flattering. She decided a bit of harmless flirtation was a small thing, plus it gave her ego a boost. And with Michael gone so much, what harm could it do?

Brian's pursuit was relentless. At the firm's New Year's party he had managed to get her alone for a few minutes and had kissed her and even managed to get a breast out of the top of her dress. His attention and the feel of his hard cock against her made her crazy. Brian wanted her. There was no love; Brian just wanted her body — her 45 year old body. She was so inflamed that she took Michael home and they fucked like savages. She hadn't wanted Michael's tenderness or love; she just wanted release from the overwhelming sexual tension she felt.

Helene wiped a tear as she thought about that night and that it was the last time Michael had been inside her. It had been almost exactly a year now since she had first gone to the Palace with Brian. As soon as they were in the room Brian was at her. He didn't give her time to think or have second thoughts; he just took her. She guiltily admitted that was just what she wanted — sex without thought or love or tenderness. She had dressed carefully, wearing a sheer black bra, matching tiny silk panties, sheer stockings and very high-heeled pumps. Brian was not as big as Michael but he got her off again and again with his constant demands on her body. She felt young and desired. And for awhile she also enjoyed the excitement of the affair and that helped the sexual release. Sometimes she wished Michael was around more during that time. She wanted him to see her freshly fucked glow and perhaps suspect some other man was interested in her. Unfortunately with the Charos deal Michael was rarely around and for some unknown reason Helene couldn't bring herself to have sex with Michael while she was having an affair with Brian. She knew this distressed Michael and she had to admit that she missed the intimacy, but as the affair went on Helene became more convinced that Michael was having an affair because he stopped trying to initiate sex.

Dr. Chambers asked her...

"How many times does a husband have to be rebuffed before he gives up anyway?"

After about six weeks with Brian, Helene began to have serious second thoughts. The sex with Brian was never spectacular after the first few times, and she knew there was no future with him so she decided that she and Michael should get their marriage back on track by going on a six-month cruise and trip.

"So, Helene, why did you continue with Brian?"

She and Dr. Chambers had worked her through that question. Helene had to admit that it was harder to end an affair than to begin one. Plus, Brian was there and always after her for sex. She admitted that she basked in the attention from this handsome younger man. He particularly loved Helene's choice of stockings, garters and heels, in and out of bed. Something she declined to do anymore for Michael.

Why had she stopped wearing them when she knew Michael loved to see her dressed or undressed in that manner? She couldn't explain it.

After about three months of therapy Dr. Chambers lowered the boom.

"Symptoms... Helene... symptoms. For the last three months we've been discussing symptoms but you haven't told me the real reason why you tried to destroy your marriage to a man you say is the only man you ever loved or could ever love. I want to know the root cause of your behavior.

"Honestly Claudia, I can't think of any overriding reason. I just made a horrible stupid mistake... and it's costing me dearly"

"Helene you say Michael is the perfect husband and father and he loves you madly, and other than the fact her has been gone for extended periods the last couple of years... there is nothing you can think of for your aberrant behavior?"

"Nothing."

"Helene... have you had other affairs?"

"My God no! How could you say that?!"

"Just making sure. Eliminating another reason."

"I'm telling you there isn't any other reason except my vanity and lack of judgment!"

"What about money?"

"Money? Claudia... we have more money then we need!"

"Did you always?"

"Well... no..."

"Tell me how money works in your relationship?"

"What?"

"Who controls it? Who spends it mostly?"

"Well... Michael jokes that I'm the CFO of our family. And mostly he's right. I pay the bills and manage the accounts and keep an eye on the investments. For the most part any expense over $2,500 we must talk about first."

"So who makes the most?"

"Michael... does."

"How long has that been the case?"

"His firm really took off a little over five years ago and his compensation shot up. Before that we had about equal income. Actually for the first five years in San Francisco I was the primary bread winner while Michael got his firm up and running. His pay was generous but I made over twice what he earned."

"So his income now is what... twice yours?"

"Two years ago it went up to more like ten times... and this year... oh I don't know... with the Charos merger... well... neither of us ever has to work again."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I'm happy for him... us."

Dr. Chambers rifled through her notes.

"A couple of weeks ago you told me that about two years ago you started to lose your interest in sex and became... in your words, "an insufferable bitch to Michael." Could these be related?"

"I can't see how. I want him to be successful."

"Do you?"

"Yes... of course!"

"Helene... too bad every marriage doesn't come with a handbook. Marriage is about cooperation not competition."

Helene thought for several moments, her head tilted back while seated in the comfortable arm chair Dr. Chambers used for her patients. She said in a quiet voice.

"Four years ago when I didn't make managing partner I redoubled my efforts to succeed and then while I'm feeling like a failure Michael has one success after another. Two and a half years ago the Charos Pharmaceuticals merger began. Michael was so excited and he said the potential for us and the firm was staggering. Frankly, I resented it... I resented his success. I admit I was jealous... jealous of his success... his ability to make things happen. I convinced myself I was the smarter one and the harder worker and a damn better lawyer... and all of a sudden Michael has all the success handed to him!"

"Handed to him? You were married all that time and you saw how hard he worked and in fact had begun to resent his absences and you somehow think you're the harder worker? Helene, I'm going to use a non-professional term here... but that's crazy!"

Helene looked up from staring at the floor. "How could I do that to him? I'm such a fool!"

Dr. Chambers just nodded. "Now tell me about Teri and Cassie and why you feel so threatened."

Helene's meetings with Claudia helped exorcise some of the demons that haunted her but they couldn't undo her betrayal of Michael.

She watched the second hand on the clock. Only another 15 minutes. Would Michael be early? She gave up trying to write and thought about what she would say. She had wanted to take one of the strong sedatives Dr. Chambers had prescribed but she didn't want her mind clouded... plus she needed to save them.

Why had Dr. Chambers been so stingy in prescribing them?

She decided she just had to tell the truth... tell Michael how much she loved him and ask... no beg for forgiveness and ask him to take her back. She would promise to always be faithful and to never leave his side again... to honor her marriage vows and to be a good wife and mother.

How would she manage if he rejected her? She pushed those thoughts away as she dabbed her eyes. He had every right to... Helene knew if the positions were reversed she would have a hard time and more than likely would have demanded a divorce. But hadn't she been willing to overlook the affair she thought he was having so they could go on the trip together and start over? She was willing to forgive. Sadly she had to admit that kind of thinking was false because Michael never had an affair. That idea had been planted there by her own guilt and nurtured by Brian's insinuations.

The day Teri arrived with the divorce papers she had lashed out thinking another woman was the cause of their divorce. How ironic. "I was furious about a perceived affair when I was the guilty party." Teri had been right to put her in her place.

Helene wished she had not bumped into Michael those few days before Christmas. It was so unexpected and devastating. He looked so handsome and what? Self assured? He was as fit and toned as she had seen him in a long time. He always kept in shape but this was a new Michael... or the Michael she had failed to see. Her heart had fluttered and her knees were weak as they stood there on the sidewalk. When he had mentioned the farewell party at One Market her heart sank. She couldn't bear his absence again. How could she see him touch him convince him of her love and her determination to win him back? She had wanted right then to throw herself into his arms and just hold him and beg his forgiveness and perhaps feel his arms around her telling her it was going to be alright. That moment passed when he said "Goodbye Helene."

Her heart felt like it was pierced for those were the last words he had said to her all those months ago. She just couldn't let those be the last works for this chance meeting. She had seen the cloud come over his eyes as he said it. Suddenly she knew... knew that somehow on that day when she was talking on her phone to him while she was in the hallway of the Palace with Brian, Michael had known. That was why his "goodbye" had sounded so strange and distant. And then she couldn't get him back on the phone. She had known in her soul that something was wrong. She hadn't listened to her intuition and went up to the room with Brian. A couple of weeks later her nightmare had begun and from that day until this they had not spoken.

"Merry Christmas" was all she could think to say. Why not "I'm sorry"? Why not, "Please forgive me"? She was the high priced litigator and then as now she couldn't find the words.

Helene walked to the windows and stared again into the mid-morning fog. She watched as a minivan with its lights on drove into the parking lot. It came to a stop near the front of the building, almost directly below her window on the second floor. There were two people in the van.

Her heart sank as she recognized Michael and Teri.

Oh God... why is she here?

Tears started anew as she watched Teri lean across the seat and wrap her arms around his neck and hug him... hug her Michael!

She has no right!

They stayed that way for what seemed an interminable time... Teri's head on Michael's shoulder.

Helene staggered back from the window. Her mind filled with such a sense of loss and grief that she could hardly contain her sobs. It was as if all the fear and anger and hurt of Michael's birthday suddenly resurfaced with a rush. Her mind reeled at the memories of the horror of that day. She fumbled in her purse and found the pills. With shaking hands she poured herself a glass of water from the pitcher on the side table, spilling water in her eagerness to feel the effects of the drugs. She stood there swaying, feeling like she had been kicked in the stomach. With that gesture... that hug in the parking lot, Helene knew her marriage was over. With little thought she took another of the powerful pills. She looked in the amber colored plastic bottle. Maybe she should just take them all right now.