Chapter 5

“Good evening, this is Timely Report. I’m Gavin Worth. Tonight’s guests are Republican Congressman Philip Sundermann of Pennsylvania, conservative pundit and writer Alfred Newton, actress/director/model Deirdre Watkins, and House Minority Leader Kara Peters, Democrat of Oklahoma. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Timely Report. Now, the latest news is the proposed immigration reform package proposed by President Brian Kincaid and Vice President Donald Hume, one which would grant ‘guest worker’ status to many immigrants, including many from Caribbean countries such as Jamaica, as well as Mexico. I’ll open with Mr. Newton. So, Al, your thoughts on this proposed immigration reform bill?” the network political talk show host spoke first with a notorious right-wing author, agitator, and talking head.

“I think that we need to focus on legal immigrants and not reward illegals. We need to protect our borders and enforce the existing laws better. We need to crack down on these illegals, many of whom are violent criminals and live off welfare, use up our health services, you get the idea. They’re parasites, folks. Leeches. Nothing but takers. Of course, I don’t expect liberal Democrats like our friend Ms. Peters here to grasp that, not when they do well off illegal votes and voter fraud. They don’t learn English. They just speak Spanish all the time. They don’t discipline their kids, either, just let them run wild. They bring us nothing drugs and crime,” Newton snarled, his usual response to this issue.

“Well, first of all, plenty of undocumented immigrants were already here, sir, and their paperwork simply expired for one reason or another. What are they supposed to do, just quit their jobs, leave their homes without selling them, violate their leases, give up their education? You like to cast aspersions on plenty of decent, hard-working folk who pay taxes, obey laws, and contribute a lot to society. Oh, and what about businesses that employ immigrants at slave wages? I don’t see you wanting to crack down on them, perhaps because they donate tons of money to your party!” the House Minority Leader retorted, causing Newton to get very red in the face.

“Aspersions? See, this is the kind of Ivy League, ivory tower, elitist liberal talk that we’ve come to expect and that I run into in Hollywood all of the time. Admit it, you can’t see what this is, an invasion of this country by Mexico and other places, just without guns ... well, mostly without guns. And they’re leaving their countries because they’ve already fucked them up. Now they want to fuck up ours. You limousine liberals are all alike. You want to tax hard-working Americans to give to immigrants and welfare queens, just to make yourselves feel better about your wealth,” Deirdre Watkins burst into the conversation.

“Limousine liberal? That’s rich, coming from someone who is worth ninety million by the latest count for more or less appearing in just six films and one reality TV series that lasted just two seasons, and who got to direct her last film without any previous experience doing so. You’ve been all over the map politically, too, so at some point, you were a ‘limousine liberal’ yourself, weren’t you? Or did I just imagine you donating to and campaigning for Senator Brooks when she was still running for the nomination?” the House Minority Leader snapped, right before the host, Gavin Worth, chimed in.

“Well, now, we’ve heard from three of you. What about you, Congressman Sundermann? You’e been very quiet during this little catfight between the House Minority Leader and Ms. Watkins. As a Republican, one might expect you to have a tougher anti-immigrant position, but you also ran as something of a moderate, being from Pennsylvania. What, if any thoughts, do you have on this particular hot-button issue, Congressman?” Gavin Worth showed his curiosity about the quiet centrist from the Northeast.

“As it happens, I do have some thoughts. As a Republican, I believe in limited government, fiscal discipline, rewarding hard work, supporting small business, and America being an exceptional land of opportunity, despite social and economic pressures that have been shrinking the middle class at times. I also believe in the principles of equal justice before the law, of social and political equality, regardless of race and ethnicity, and yes, of religion. And I believe in the rule of law.

“Now, let me explain where this comes in. These people violated a law, yes, but they did so in a very mitigated situation. The law recognizes such mitigating circumstances for other crimes, as you know. It also recognizes due process and the notion of presumption of innocence. There is legal precedent for this kind of amnesty, there are plenty of US citizens already born in several cases to these families, we have children born in other lands who have immigrated while still children and without any legal responsibility for their parents’ actions, and what law, international, constitutional, or statutory, permits us to divide families?

“For that matter, if it’s crime that should be punished, why aren’t we prosecuting employers of undocumented immigrants in this country, since we’re so dedicated to punishing the workers themselves? These people are violating the 13th Amendment to our Constitution, the UN Declaration of Human Rights, presumably our treaties and trade agreements with their native countries, and our federal labor laws, not to mention state or local labor statutes, by many of their illegal, I dare say, employment practices. Where is the accountability for them?

“This issue is something of a red herring, sadly for many of my friends on the same side of the aisle as me, but it’s a wedge issue cleverly used by nativists within the ranks of the party. Also, frankly, the sort of racist appeals inherent in some of the rhetoric used is disturbing. It’s also high time to face the racism built into the existing immigration statutes. Both parties need to own up to the fact that these laws haven’t been reformed or improved in a statutory sense for decades. They are outdated, they were racially motivated when they were enacted, and... , “ Philip spoke when abruptly cut off by Newton.

“We’re not here for one of your speeches, you fucking RINO! Clearly, the wrong Republican won the primary here. Where’s a good conservative when you need one. Evidently, it’s not you, but Deirdre here!” Al interrupted Philip.

“I’m not a RINO, buddy. I’m a centrist. Know the difference. My wing of the party might be decimated of late, but we still exist. We’ve always been part of the GOP. And we’re not just going to give up our party entirely to the likes of you, not while there is still a chance to save its soul from your mindless, fanatical, racist, fundamentalist takeover. I’m pro-immigrant, because America was built a lot more on immigrants than it was on trust-fund playboys who got sweetheart publishing deals for literary chaff and get paid to pontificate on issues with which they have no experience, sending people off to fight wars in a military that they never had to join.

“I’m pro-gay, pro-choice, pro-gun, pro-military, and also pro-peace. We can fund our military better if we’re not constantly sending it off to little adventures that chicken hawks like you want to start. The military is for defending America and its allies, not invading countries because the President wants to look more Presidential and win re-election. By the way, that goes for Presidents of both parties, both of whom are a little too eager to use America’s servicemen and servicewomen to throw our weight around, risking their lives and spending us further into debt for political gain. I’m pro-business AND pro-labor ... and pro-environment. Those don’t have to conflict, unless you’re from the Club for Growth or some other Wall Street think tank.

“I support the death penalty, but also support better protections to make it fairer and less an excuse for executing poor, minority folks while letting folks like you get off because you have better lawyers. I oppose mandatory minimums, which aren’t tough on crime, just on Americans. I oppose the War on Drugs, which is just an excuse to lock up a lot of poor and minority folk in private prisons that amount to modern-day slavery.

“You want to be fiscally conservative? How about reducing our prison population, ending these private prison contracts, and not locking people up for smoking a plant? Prisons cost money, even private ones, because we have to pay them enough to run them on a profit! Why is one plant legal, namely tobacco, and another plant illegal, namely marijuana? It’s no more a gateway drug than alcohol!” Philip slammed Al pretty hard during the heated exchange, much to the fascination of the two ladies present.