Chapter 2

I began the CD and heard Al's words.

At this point, I stopped the CD to think about what he had told me so far. This was all news to me and I never understood that he was keeping things back from the government. All this time, he could have been cooperating and we could have been living a different life? I became angry, as I finally understood what he was saying. I wanted to hear more.

With that, the CD ended and all of my worst fears had come home to me. I went into the bedroom and lay down on the bed that I would no longer share with my husband and I cried until I could cry no more. I stayed there until it was too dark to see and then I just took off my clothes and crawled under the covers. I slept finally and awoke late the next morning.

I played the CD again and again; looking for anything that would give me some hope, but there was nothing there. I reviewed the divorce papers looking there for something, but again, nothing. I was beginning to believe that I could do nothing but accept the life I now had but I couldn't let myself do that. I began to plan.

First, it was clear that Al still loved me even after what I did. He left because he loved me and wanted to set me free. He didn't understand that I didn't love Woody and that I didn't want anyone to replace him. I would never love Woody nor would I ever marry him or any other man. That's what Al didn't know and I needed to tell him that.

I also needed to tell him that he wasn't at fault. Yes, he made some mistakes and he did some things that hurt our marriage, but he never deserted our marriage or me. He never turned to another for relief and comfort. I was the one that did that. He needed to know that. I was the one that forgot the promises I made to stay during hard times. Al never left me even though he was in a major depression. He was always home with me. He never asked more of me than I was willing to give, but when he needed me the most, I wasn't there.

Finally, he needed to know that I never held him responsible for what I did. I didn't blame him nor did I use him as an excuse. I found myself trying to please Woody just as I used to please Al. I loved pleasing Al and I had the greatest joy in making love by making my husband happy. I enjoyed sex, but I enjoyed the pleasure I gave more. That's what I was doing with Woody: trying to regain that joy in giving pleasure. I know that's not easy to understand but it's the truth. Al would understand if I could only tell him.

The next morning, I called Mr. Green and made an appointment to see him the next afternoon. I wanted to begin with him even though Al made it clear that Mr. Green would not accept anything for him. That was fine. I just needed to start somewhere.

I called Woody next. I resigned over the phone and told him I would send him my letter of resignation as soon as I could. He tried to talk me out of it and tried to get me to meet him somewhere but I refused. I told him we were through and that I had nothing but respect for him. He had been kind to me and had tried to respect my marriage as long as he could but I made it difficult for him. He was not the guilty one.

Finally, I contacted a private investigator named Clive Owens. I had two jobs for him and he and I met that morning. I gave him a retainer and we set a price that I could afford. He promised to do all he could within my ability to pay and I gave him as much information as I could. He seemed pleased with that and said it gave him a big head start.

By the end of the day, I felt much better. I had begun to do what I could to salvage my marriage to the man I loved beyond all reason. I was not going to accept this without a fight. I knew my chances were slim to none, but I would do all I could, and I was content. I spent my evening cleaning the house and cleaning out my closets. I got rid of everything that reminded me of the past three years and kept all of those things from before that time. I got rid of my new fancy underwear, my hip huggers, my one thong, all of the lacy bras and the perfumes that I bought for the sole purpose of making me attractive to Woody. I remember buying them now with humiliation knowing that was the beginning of my betrayal of my husband. Al called it my affair and while I initially thought he was wrong, I reconsidered. It was an affair, beginning with these things I bought for that very purpose. I had set out to commit adultery and I saw it very clearly now. That brought me to my knees again and my shame kept me in a state of depression until the next morning.

When I woke, I remembered the shame but I also remembered my meeting with Green and I was filled with determination again. So I made a big mistake and I paid for it. Fine, put it aside and go on! I spent the morning writing down my feelings and my reasons for what I did, my love for my husband and my promise to wait for his forgiveness and my intent to remain as his wife. I put it all into a letter to him. I put this into an envelope addressed to Al. He may never get it or read it but I had to try. I dressed in my most conservative suit and wore just enough makeup to look businesslike. I was ready for Mr. Green.

He welcomed me in to his office and had me sit down at a table rather than in front of his desk. He joined me, asked if I wanted something to drink and when I declined, he sat down across from me.

"Well, Mrs. Bennington. I'm surprised to see you again so soon. Is there something that you need from me?"

"Yes, Mr. Green, there is. I want to get in touch with my husband. As soon as possible."

"But you know that isn't possible Mrs. Bennington. I have been instructed by Mr. Bennington not to communicate anything from you to him. He told me that you knew that from the CD that I gave you."

"I know what was in the CD Mr. Green but I don't care. You must know that I will not sit idly by and watch my marriage destroyed. I will find him, and if you won't help me, I will find someone who will."

"That's your privilege Mrs. Bennington but I can't help you. I'm very sorry. There is nothing I can do for you."

So far, the meeting had gone pretty much as I expected. I was going to try something else and see if it got me anywhere.

"In that case, I will use the money that Al is giving me and I will hire an attorney to file suit against you as agent for my husband and I will contest the divorce."

I saw that I had Mr. Green's attention now. I watched as he considered what I had threatened to do. He seemed to reach some decision.

"All I can do is let Mr. Bennington know your position. I don't honestly know when I can do that since I don't know where to reach him. He contacts me, not the other way around. If that's not satisfactory, you will have to proceed as you see fit."

I had expected that since it was exactly as Al said in his CD.

"I will wait until you can reach him. When you do reach him, I want you to get this envelope to him. In the meantime, I will accept the conditions, but I will only do this until I hear from you. Do we understand each other?"

Mr. Green rose and took my hand. He assured me that he would let my husband know my position at the first opportunity. He really didn't know when that would be and I believed him. I knew Al well enough to know that he wasn't bluffing.

I went home to my lonely house and proceeded to make some phone calls. I needed to find a job and I needed to do it very soon. Money wasn't necessarily an issue but health insurance benefits were. I contacted three people I knew from the other institutions around town and got two interviews for the next several days. I updated my resume' and prepared to enter the job market again.

Over the next three months, I found and started a new job at a very large loan company as an entry level agent. I didn't mind this as it gave me a lot of free time without any responsibilities, and with the money Al provided I didn't need a lot. I worked with seven other men and women and we got along fine. I made friends with a couple of the women and became very close to Mary, one of the older women and a divorcee just like me. We began to share our life stories as women do and Mary was very sympathetic to my plight. Her situation was much more mundane. She and her husband just grew to dislike each other and since they had no children they agreed to separate. She kept their home in the divorce and she had some money of her own so she was also working only for the benefits. She was happy being single. I offered to introduce her to Woody, but she wasn't ready yet. It was probably for the best, as I hadn't spoken to him since that day when my world ended.

During this time, Clive had continued to work for me but had dropped his intensive search in favor of a very wide spread, but affordable, net as he called it. He had feelers out on all of Al's credit cards, his SS number and several other items of identification that I had given him and he said that sooner or later, if he were in the country, he would get a hit. This didn't cost me much and it kept the search going.

On the second matter, he was more confident. He had inquiries out that he expected to hear from within the next few months. Again, this was within my budget so I was content with that. It was also just about this time that Mr. Green called to say that he had forwarded my envelope to Al but that Al had given no response. He assured me that Al had taken delivery so I thanked him and continued waiting.

Two years went by without much happening. I rose within the institution that I worked for and soon was making enough money to begin to consider using more of my income to intensify my search. I considered hiring another PI, but when I spoke to my guy, he said if money were the issue he would have told me. So, I waited.

Mary and I were very good friends by now and we were often together when not at work. She asked one day if I would consider moving in with her since she still had the house she lived in before the divorce. It was a four-bedroom two story house in a very nice neighborhood. She said she wanted to keep the house but it was so big and lonely with only her. She said I would have my own bedroom with my own bath. I said I'd consider it if she would allow me to pay rent. I thought about it and decided to take her up on her offer. I could then sell my little house and never have to look at it again. I continued to live there after Al left, but the memories that crept up on me at odd times were extremely painful. If it were gone, maybe the memories would go with it.

So it was that I sold the place and I was living with Mary when Clive called to tell me he had some information on my secondary target. He said he had a complete dossier that I could look at before deciding what I wanted him to do next. I drove to his office the following day to get the dossier and to talk briefly with him. He said that he was beginning to get little pieces of information back that he thought indicated Al might be resurfacing. It was Clive's opinion that Al had a source of funds that he wanted to keep secret from the Feds. He thought Al might be buying time. I left his office feeling optimistic for the first time in almost three years.