Chapter 5: Changes

Our plane touched down at the airstrip in St. Louis and we went home. I ordered Chinese food to be delivered and we had dinner while I began doing my laundry. She seemed insistent that she would take care of hers at home. Soon it became clear why.

After dinner she held my hand across the dining room table.

"Joe, we need to talk."

"Sure baby, What is it?" I asked, concerned; there was something deep on her mind.

"Joe, where do you see us going?"

"I don't know. I haven't thought about it lately, to be honest. I know that I love you and I really want you with me. As far as anything beyond that, who knows? Why?"

"Can you see us with a future?" she asked.

"Sure, if I really think about it. Is that what you have been thinking about?"

"Well yeah, sort of. Joe, we have been seeing each other for almost a year and it has been so great being with you. I know we started as friends with benefits and we never officially changed that status, but I don't want anyone but you and I know you haven't seen anyone else either. The next thing I know is I am in Florida, I'm accepted as family by yours, and I realize that I love you. My heart was bursting with brightness and bliss when I realized this for the first time. You know what I mean?"

"Yes I do, Trish. I love you, too. I didn't lie when I told you that. You have been so good to me. You're my best friend and a wonderful lover. Do you want to take this to the next level?"

"Not so fast, Joe. After I realized this there are some things I plainly saw that I just couldn't ignore, and neither should you. You have some issues, Joe. I think you will be so much happier when you come to grips with them."

"Trish, of course I have issues. My father just died and I feel bad because I feel I neglected him of precious time. There is so much I wish I would have done with him and it sucks that I didn't. You understand that don't you?"

"I do, honey, but that's not what I am talking about."

"Then what?" What was this woman getting at?

"Lisa!"

"Huh? What about her?" Where did that come from?

She just looked at me like there was something there I wasn't seeing or getting.

"Please, Joe, isn't it obvious? You are still in love with her," she said calmly.

"What the hell are you talking about? Where are you getting this?" I started getting pissed.

"Joe, I saw you happy. We had a wonderful run of things. I know we weren't rushing into things, and now I am thankful of that. But I first saw it at the funeral. The way this blonde woman I didn't know was looking at us. I saw the pain in her eyes and I knew that had to be Lisa. The way she looked at you, I knew something was still there in her, but after what you told me happened between you I just chalked it off to guilt and sorrow, not to mention her father-in-law passing away."

"Trish, look, I..." She interrupted, "Let me finish, Joe!"

"So, I left you alone with her while I tended to your mother, figuring she wanted to apologize and say good-bye. Maybe get some sort of closure, and I hoped you realized that you really loved me and was over her. Then I saw the look in your eyes when she was with you, holding you, kissing you. I have never seen that look in you before. It was then that I got real jealous and hoped it was a final parting. Then, she smiled, like she achieved some sort of victory and she looked at me and winked."

I wondered 'what the hell is that all about?' but I let it go. It was a funeral and people get emotional. Then, at Mark and Pam's house, when I saw that picture of you and her together; I've never seen you that happy before. You looked so much in love. You both did! So young, with your whole lives ahead of you and I remembered that you spent 8 years with her. Oh God, how deep that love must go!"

"Then, just last night, when you made love to me, I didn't feel the love from you I was hoping to feel. I felt some, yes. I know you care and are appreciative of me and don't get me wrong, I will always be there when you need me, but you're not in love with me, are you? Not like with Lisa, are you?" It sounded more like a statement than a question.

"Trish, I DO love you. Lisa ruined what we had. Well, we both did. It's over with her. I told you that! I'm sorry, but after Lisa I put a wall around me. I don't want to hurt like that again."

"Joe, it may be over, on paper. But it's so plain to see it's not over with her, or you. I know you love me, sweetheart, but I am selfish. I want all of your love and heart and I refuse to share it."

"Baby, you aren't sharing it and never will! It's yours!"

"No, Joe. I have been sharing it since we started all of this. That love you had for her is still alive as much as you try to hide it. I know it. I can see it and you can make yourself really happy once you admit it. But what this trip showed me is that you can never give me the love that I want. The love I deserve. The love you have for her deep inside, locked away. I can't go on like that; hoping that one day you will love me like that."

I hung my head. I did still love her and she's right. All I did was try to lock her away from me. I never really got over her, did I? Father, why isn't there a little switch inside us that turns feelings like this off? It would make things a lot easier, wouldn't it? But you never said life would be easy, did you?

"So, I think we need to stop this before things get more complicated than they already are. I will be your friend and I will always treasure you, but I need to move on and hopefully find my true love."

I sadly looked at her and nodded in agreement. She deserved to be happy and I know she will make someone a terrific wife. I certainly loved her enough to let her go and pursue her own happiness.

We hugged each other and finally I had to let her go. She took her things and said she would see me in class if I still wanted to, but I knew that wouldn't happen anymore either. How could it?

When she left, I got up and grabbed a bottle of Jim Beam and took a big swig; then another. I went and sat in my chair next to the couch where Trisha and I made love so many times and I started crying. I was a mutt full of emotions. Sadness. Grief. Guilt. Anger. Love. Hatred. I felt the buzz coming on and I continued pouring the bottle down my throat. I craved a cigarette. So, I walked down to the gas station around the corner of my apartment and bought a pack and returned home. I sat back in my chair and took in some more Jim Beam and lit a cigarette and anger took hold. I looked up at the ceiling.

"Is this some kind of sick fucking joke to you? You are an asshole, did you know that? Ya having fun? Huh? Pulling peoples strings like some twisted puppeteer? Huh? What did I ever do to deserve this? You brought love to my life twice and robbed me of both of them!" I growled. Then thought for a second.

"Ok, touché! I fucked up, too on the first one. Thank you for allowing her to stomp my heart to pieces, you sorry motherfucker! 'What the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.' Well, that's what you are good at, isn't it? Take! Take! Take! First Lisa! Then my spirit! Then I figured 'cool! You gave me Trisha!' then you take my dad, then if that wasn't enough, you take Trisha from me. What the fuck did I ever do to you? I try do be good and lead a positive life but you treat me like some redheaded stepchild. Why didn't you go ahead and take my life too? What am I, your fucking experiment? Well you know what, God? To hell with it all. I'll do it without you!"

I got up and went to bed, seething.

The next few days I did a lot of thinking. What Dad had said about no regrets, be happy, and live my life. He also said to think about Lisa.

"Sorry, Dad! That shit ain't happening!"

I also spent more time in the gym now that I had 2 days free again. I am going to miss Trisha's company, but I hope she finds what she deserves. She is a phenomenal lady. Did I get what I deserve? Joe, don't even go there!

One thing is for certain. I am done with this love thing. Now, it's going to be about me. I am going to have fun. Maybe be 'bad' for a change. Who knows?

Well, soon it became easy to find something else to do. For a few months I was in the gym everyday for a few hours a day. My body was getting ripped! Not quite Sly Stallone in 'The Specialist', more like 'Stone Cold Steve Austin' without that much mass. I loved being able to look good while flexing in the mirror. But that came to a halt one afternoon while pushing myself on squats. My hamstring pulled and the sports doctor said to lay off of it for at least six weeks. That sucked. Now what was I going to do? That means I can't fly either. The boss isn't going to be happy about that. Oh, well. It's just a job.

I checked the mail a week later and noticed an advertisement for a motorcycle rider course. A two-day event that would use up one Saturday and Sunday and take the state required test for a motorcycle endorsement. Sounded ok to me. What else did I have to do? I signed up, took the course and passed. Then I went shopping for a bike.

I went at first looking at choppers. I have always loved those. I found a Big Dawg shop and fell in love with those sleek styles; those big fat tires, that deafening rumble. I swear my dick got hard! Then I saw the price tag for a new one. OK, let's go somewhere else.

That's when I met Matt. He was a rugged looking salesman for Harley-Davidson. I told him what I was looking for and he sat me on a Softtail Classic. As stock, it looked kind of bland but the possibilities were endless and it was much cheaper, to me, than those Big Dawgs. Plus, what if I wanted to have some 'squeeze' ride with me? I'm sure it's better on a Harley than the Dawgs I seen.

I agreed and bought it with certain accessories chromed out, engine guards (Hey, I'm a beginning rider, gotta protect this beautiful machine.), saddlebags, short sissy bar, and legal 'ape hangers'. It cost a few thousand extra but man was it worth it! When they rode it out of the garage an hour later I was in awe! My bike! My 'scooter'! I was psyched. I spent the rest of the week just riding around, enjoying the freedom. The feeling was incredible.

I met up with Matt a month later to go riding. He had commented on me not really personalizing my bike yet. "The bike should be a unique reflection of you, Brudder!"

I thought about that as we rode. Who am I? When I look in the mirror now I hardly recognize myself. My hair is longer than it always has been, coming down below my neck. I had to keep it decent for work, but it was different than the typical navy haircuts I have always had until Trisha left. I was shocked to see that I added about 30 pounds of muscle and had to by new clothes. I grew out my goatee and mustache.

Who the hell am I? I'm a stranger now to everybody I ever knew and a stranger to myself, but only familiar to Matt and his little clique. Is this who I really am? I don't know, but I like it so far.

And to be honest; I was still everything I was before. I realized I am still a jet pilot, a veteran, and ex-husband, a son, and a prideful man. Now I enjoy my new biker friends. I don't consider myself a biker in the usual sense of the word, but I enjoy riding with my new 'brudders'. Then I had an idea about what to do with my bike. I waved bye to Matt and took it down to the office.