Chapter 4: Advice

I had just touched down from a test flight. I went up to test the Bleed Air System for the new engines we were trying out. All and all it worked, but not within the parameters specified by manufacturer. I was in debriefing with the engineers, production managers, supervisors and the Flight Director, my boss. We were finishing up when the door opened and my boss' secretary walked in and whispered to him.

He stood up and casually dismissed the meeting asking me to stay behind. After everyone left, "Joe. Your mother just called. Your father has suffered a heart attack this morning. He is in surgery right now. They don't anything more than that. Joe, don't hesitate to let me know if there is anything I can do."

I felt like I had a truck dropped on me. "Bill, I need to go home. I need to schedule a flight as soon as possible."

"Joe, don't worry about that. We have a few planes for emergency travel. Just go home get packed and get back here. We will fly you home. It's one of the perks of being with the company. We are a family oriented company. Now get going... we will be wheels up when you are ready."

"Thanks Bill. I'll see you in a bit. Really, thanks."

I hurried out of there and headed home to pack. I called Trisha and told her what happened and that I didn't know how long I would be gone. I was surprised. She said to pick her up and that she was going with me. I told her it wasn't necessary but she insisted on being there for me, and help my mother and me anyway she could. I didn't care one way or the other right then. I just needed to get home for mom.

When I got home I couldn't think. I started packing and for the life of me I couldn't even remember if it was cold outside or not. I fumbled around and got aggravated with myself. I was losing it. Thinking 'what if he dies? How long has it been since I seen him? Hell, over a year and not much time was spent with him. When was the last time I told him I loved him? Hung out or went fishing with him? I dropped into the chair by the bed and felt like crying. I couldn't think. Then the phone rang.

"Joe? You on your way?" Trisha asked, sounding concerned.

"Trisha! I just... I don't know. I'm having a hard time concentrating. What if he passes on? Oh, God! I don't even wanna..."

She stopped me. "Joe, just sit tight. I'll be right over. Try to relax. See you in a bit." And she hung up.

She was in my bedroom and helping me pack and get my shit together within 20 minutes. Maybe it really was necessary she be there. Someone to lean on is never a bad thing. She had thought of pretty much everything and even arranged for someone to look after my dog while I was gone. They way she handled things for me it was like she was sent from heaven. Although, looking back at it I know she was a lot more in control than I was. Within an hour we were airborne headed to Florida.

When we touched down at our repair facility in Ft. Walton Beach my boss let me know that there was a rental car waiting on me and to call him whenever I was ready to come home. Take as much time as I needed and he would send the plane back to get us. It's amazing the kind of support I was getting already and I hadn't even made it home yet. I thanked him and Trisha and I got in the car and headed for Memorial Hospital in Pensacola.

When we got there we found mom, Aunt Jackie and Uncle Vick in the waiting room. When mom saw me she got up and we hugged. It had been a while since I'd seen her.

"Mom, how's Dad?"

"He just got out of surgery and is in ICU now. The surgeon said it would be a little while before they knew anything."

"What happened? I mean..."

"He went for his morning walk and when he got back, he just collapsed on the porch. The doctor said they found a blockage in his heart. They don't know how much damaged was really caused by it. Who is this young lady, Joe?"

"Oh, mom. I'm sorry. This is my girlfriend Trisha. Trisha, this is my mom, and this is my Aunt Jackie and Uncle Vick."

"Trisha, is good to meet you. I'm sorry it has to be under these circumstances, though."

"Mrs. Fallow, me too. I hope and pray he pulls through."

"Well, he's a tough 'ol coot! You two must be exhausted. Look, I want to go home and get a little something to eat. Why don't you join me?"

"I'd rather stay here and talk to the doctors, Mom."

"I know, honey, but there isn't anything we can do right now. I'm hungry and getting tired. Now take your mother home. Let's go!"

Since I can remember, mom is someone that usually gets her way, one way or the other, so there was no point in arguing with her. We stopped at IHOP and had a late dinner and went home. I caught up a little bit with mom and she went to bed. Trisha and I were not far behind her. Before we dozed off I thanked her for being here for me through this. She told me she wouldn't have it any other way.

The next morning we got up and picked up some biscuits on the way to see dad. Shortly after we got there the doctor came out and told us that there was nothing else they could do. His heart was too far destroyed from the blockage and he would pass away before a new heart could even arrive. He told us he was awake and we could see him but he was fading fast. So, my mother and I went in to see him.

Mom was on one side of the bed and I was on the other. He could hear and could only whisper. I thank God for that. He whispered to mom for a few minutes and I was fixed on what the monitor was displaying. His heartbeat. Slow and irregular. That I didn't take full advantage of the chances to spend time with this man is something I will always kick myself in the ass for. What kind of man was I? So wrapped up in my own self-pity that I took this man, my father, and my hero, for granted. I started fighting back the sobs that were welling up. I had to be strong now. For mom. That's what dad would want.

"Joe," he whispered.

I leaned to him. "Yeah, Dad, I'm here." He winced in pain and took a deep breath.

"Joe. Listen... I have to tell you some things."

"It's ok, Dad. Just rest up. The doctor said you will be fine," I said, trying to be encouraging. But the look in his eyes... he knew this was it.

"Shh! Listen..." he whispered, "Joe. I want you to know that I have always been proud of you and what you have accomplished."

My eyes flooded. "I know, Dad. I know! And I am very proud to have you as my Dad."

He must have seen my pain. "Son, it's my time. I have no regrets. I've lived a good life."

"Well, I'm sorry, Dad. I wanted to spend more time with you. I am so sorry, Dad."

"You have a life to live too and that's what you have to do. You were always with me Joe."

I saw tears come to his eyes too. I put my hand on his white hair and stroked his head.

"Joe, live to be happy. Have no regrets. We have that right. The right to be happy... ," he gasped as his heart rate increased and his breath sharpened.

I stood up to go get the doctor but he took and gripped my hand. I sat back down and leaned to him. He was letting me know he was ready to die. I closed my eyes to hold back more tears.

"Do everything that you want to do, Joe. Don't have any regrets. And keep trying your best and shoot for the stars."

"Yes, sir! I will, I promise."

"One last thing, Joe. Never let pride stand in your way. Pride is self-serving and isn't worth shit. It can make you do things that will make you miserable. It almost destroyed my life. Don't let it keep you from being happy. Joe... Lisa..."

His body tensed up and tears streamed down his face and he settled back down. It didn't look like it would be long now. He held my hand on his chest. His whispers were now barely audible and he was having a really hard time getting his breath.

"Joe... Lisa... moved back... home. We've seen her. She loves you, son. Good girl... made mistake. Don't let pride... destroy you! Please... think about it son."

"Dad. I will. I love you, Dad."

"I love you my boy!" He then turned to mom.

"Well Claire... we had a hell of a go of it didn't we?"

Mom was crying, "We sure did, sweetheart."

"I love you dear heart!"

She moved and whispered in his ear. "I love you too, my angel. Until we meet again."

Then she kissed his cheek and their eyes locked on each other. He smiled and closed his eyes and drifted off. Nothing but the sound of the irregular beeps on that monitor and our sobs. I can't even imagine what she was going through watching her husband, her friend and her soul mate die.

Shortly after, the monitor flat lined.

I reached over and turned it off and went to mom's side and we held each other and balled our eyes out.

After a while we composed ourselves the best we could and walked out to the waiting room. We didn't have to say anything. Aunt Jackie, Uncle Vick, Trisha, and some old friends of mom and dad were there and could tell by our eyes that he was gone. I asked Aunt Jackie to take mom home and that I was going to stay to take care of things here. God bless her, Trisha never left my side. After we talked to the administrators about arrangements we went home.

The next few days were hectic. Funeral arrangements, executor of the estate, the wake, bills, insurance. So much shit. Uncle Vick and I made calls to friends and family, letting them know about the wake and funeral. Trisha stayed at mom's side taking care of her with Aunt Jackie, cooking, remembering her medications, whatever she needed. I owe her a big one for this.

I was very apprehensive about this next call. I grabbed a cigarette from Uncle Vick's pack, took my cell phone outside, and lit one up. I hadn't had a cigarette since high school and even then I got sick. I coughed when that first drag hit my lungs, but it got easier as it went on. I felt that buzz that Marlboro Red's can give you and got temporary relief from that, but still I had to make that call. Damn it!

"Hello"

"Lisa?"

"Yeah, this is Lisa."

I was sort of hoping I was given the wrong number, but then I remembered that Dad thought highly of her.

"Hi, Lisa, it's Joe." Lord, you know I didn't want to do this.

She shrieked. "JOE! Hey! How are you? Oh my God! It's been so long since we..."

"Lisa! Lisa! Listen. I'm calling to tell you that my Dad died Tuesday morning."

"Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry! What happened?" I could hear her start to cry.

"He had a heart attack on Monday and the doctors performed surgery but his heart was just too damaged. I'm just glad I got the chance to say bye to him and tell him I loved him, you know?"

"Yeah. That was good. Joe, I'm so sorry. How is Mom doing? Is there anything I can do?"

"Just keep her in your prayers. The funeral is this Monday at St. Paul Episcopal Cemetery. We will have the wake on Sunday afternoon at Munden Funeral Home."

"I'll be there. I loved that man. I'm going to miss him."

"I know that he thought the world of you too, Lisa. So does mom."

She was still crying. "What about you, Joe?"

"I'm doing ok, I guess, it hurts a lot. There was so much I wish I could go back and do with him, but it's too late. That's what hurts."

"I know, honey. No one is ever ready for something like this," Lisa consoled.

I knew she meant for me to answer if I thought the world of her too but I wasn't ready yet to have that conversation. Odd, though. I didn't feel bitter towards her. Was I finally moving on with my life? Was my anger gone? Father God, please give me strength.

"I know that's right. So, how are you doing? When did you leave Jacksonville?" I asked. Why? I don't know.

"I'm doing ok. I left about three months ago. I got a job here and I'm closer to friends and family. But I'm lonely as hell."

"You'll find someone, Lisa. You are a very pretty woman and intelligent. It'll happen." I can't believe I'm discussing her love life.

"I already found someone... I'm just waiting for him to come home. He's being stubborn right now. But, that's fine. Whatever it takes, I have the patience of Job! He'll come home when he is ready."