Chapter 4: partial reconciliations

Another year went by. Three years without Nora — a full year of "life after the letter."

My feelings about the letter and its contents were still bad. I missed loving Nora, and I missed missing her the way it should have been. People have different beliefs about reincarnation, about where the soul goes after death and about ghosts. But using this miserable excuse as a reason to ruin my love and my life, well, I just could not understand it. I kept feeling like a cuckold husband whose wife cheated on him and then told him all the details expecting him to keep loving her.

On the third anniversary of Nora's death Tracy asked to go to the graveyard and visit her mother's grave. I drove her there, helped her find the grave, and then went and sat on a bench about 50 yards away. When she was ready to leave we went home. We frequently discussed our feelings, so my behavior did not surprise her.

The next morning Tracy came down to breakfast red eyed and agitated.

"What's wrong, Tracy?"

"Nothing. Just memories."

"Come on, Trace. We have memories every day and every hour, for good or for bad. You are not your usual self today. What happened?"

Tears started welling up in her eyes, and soon she was sobbing. My heart was being torn while I hugged her and let her sob on my shoulder.

"I had a very strange dream last night. Mom came to me in my dream and she was crying. She said she had missed the purpose of her letter as you now hate her, and that her soul is suffering because of your hatred. She said that had she been alive — she would have killed herself seeing your hate and suffering. She begged me to find a way to make you forgive her — and I don't know how or what to do."

I tried not to let it show, but I was getting angry. First my life was ruined because of stories about souls and ghosts, and now I had to deal with dreams! All the stuff that I did not believe in and could never understand!

"Trace, you know my beliefs on the subject, and you know I still do not understand the reason for the humiliation I had to suffer. I'm sorry, but this time I simply cannot help you."

"Please go to the graveyard, and just sit by her grave for a while. Maybe the closeness will cause something to change in the way you think and help in understanding her. Please do this for my sake, I'm begging you."

After a few minutes of getting control over my anger I finally agreed.

"All right, I'll go this morning. It will really be for your sake only, and I'll go alone."

Later in the morning I drove to the graveyard, and sat down by the grave. I was deep in my thoughts, crying from time to time — once for my loss and again because of my feelings. Somehow I sat quietly and serenity came over me. My mind became blank. I was sitting there not wanting to move. And then I smelled the perfume. The same perfume Nora used to wear, the only one she loved. I looked around me and found no one near. Then a gentle breeze came and felt like a hand gently caressing my cheeks. Again I looked around and surprisingly all the trees and bush were motionless. If there was any wind — it was only on me. I became calm like I've never been before. No thoughts at all, just enjoying the light wind caressing me and the smell of the perfume.

Then, as suddenly as it has started — the wind stopped and the scent faded away. But the sense of calmness remained.

After a few minutes I came back to my senses and tried to analyze my feelings. I had a very strange experience just now and could not explain it.

I arrived home much later than expected, as Tracy was already back from school. She just looked at me for a long moment and then said: "You were at the graveyard."

It was not a question, just a statement of a fact.

"Yes. I was."

"And?"

"I can't explain it, but I had a very strange experience there." And I told her of my experience and the strange calmness I still felt.

What she said then was astounding.

"Even three years after dying Mom still knows you like no one else does. In the dream I told you about, she asked that I find a way to send you to visit her. She promised that if you do — you'll become a different person. Different for the better. Try to think about her now and tell me what you feel right now. Forget the feelings of the last year — just what you feel about her right now."

I had to think hard, taking my time, and when I opened my eyes I only felt wonder.

"Trace, do you know what happened to me? Your way of questioning makes me feel you know something that I don't. I don't feel the hate or the anger anymore! For the last 10 minutes I was thinking about your mother and all that came to my mind was about the happiness we had together. I'll either go crazy or I'll start believing in the super natural!"

Tracy was weeping and smiling at the same time. And with clenched fists she suddenly whispered: "You did it, Mom!"

That night Tracy came to my bed, only the second time since her mother's death. The first time was a year before.

This time I was ready for her. No questions, no talking. We lay hugging each other close for a while and then made love slowly and gently. Now she was not a virgin and there was no pain. Her wailing orgasms kept me hard for hours. The level of pleasure that night equaled the best nights Nora and I had had.

A few days later, as summer holidays were about to arrive, Tracy threw a bomb at me.

"Dad, I want to ask something but I don't want you to be mad at me."

"Well, let me just promise that I'll do my best to control my temper."

She spoke fast, not letting me interrupt.

"Dad, I miss Grandma and Grandpa a lot. I'd like to spend a few days with them this summer. I know how you feel about them and I quite agree that you can't forgive them, but I'm not part of what's going on at their home and never will be. I'd like to call them and make sure they understand that I would not participate in any of their "special" activities, and that if they can be just a normal Grandma and Grandpa for a few days — I really want to go."

My temper was boiling, but I promised to control myself. I poured a drink, went out to the balcony and lit a cigarette — something that I have not done in a long time.

Tracy knew me well enough to leave me alone, but I saw her taking peaks at me through the curtain a few times. She was worried about me. My attacks of rage were not easily forgotten.

Finally I waved to her to come join me.

"Listen, Tracy. You know that I don't like this, but you also know I can hardly ever refuse something you want. You are a bit over 16 now and that is considered adult in many places. You can speak to whomever you want, just be sure of the reason for your visit and I'll drive you over. Don't expect me to enter their house — I'm not ready for that and I don't think I'll ever be."

Tracy hugged me quietly and then said: "I really appreciate it. I know how difficult this is for you. I'll make sure they all know the reason for my visit is just that, a visit, and that I won't participate in any 'family fun'. You know that I'll never do anything which may cause me to lose you or your love. I've seen you angry and hating, and I just can't have all this turned towards me."

She called my mother while I was working so I did not hear the conversation. I only saw her eyes red and traces of tears when I got home.

"Anything wrong, sweet? Has anyone spoken badly to you?"

"No, Dad. The conversation just got very emotional on both sides. Grandma and I spoke for nearly an hour and cried half the time. She also missed me very much. Tonight a letter will be delivered here by messenger with all our understandings."

"OK, sweet. I hope none of us will ever regret this visit. When do you want to go?"

"Summer vacation starts on Thursday, but you are working, so it would be great if you would drive me over during the weekend."

"Fine. But in case I forgot, let me give you one last word of caution. Beware of your uncle Tim. He is such a no good low life that in spite of the letter we are about to see — he may start something with you, and he may even use force. Just be careful and call me if anything happens."

I drove Tracy over to my parents' on Sunday and returned home. I had a few days to think things over and to try and make plans for the future.

Ten days later Tracy called: "Grandma is driving me home tomorrow. I'll be home about 6.00 pm." She sounded fine, and maybe even happy. Well, if this visit made her happy I'll have to include my parents in my future planning for her.

At 6.00 pm sharp Tracy was home. "Grandma wants to talk to you. She is waiting outside. Take your time, Dad, and let off some steam, and then I really think you should listen to her."

"Another premonition, Trace? The way it was with your Mom?"

"No Dad. This is more like a day dream. A wish that the family will be together again. I know and understand my dream may never come true, but please, give it a chance."

I went out to the balcony and lit a cigarette. Damn, the smoking habit is coming back.

From the balcony I had a clear view of the driveway, and I saw my mother pacing back and forth by her car. What seemed strange was that her hair was white! She used to have brown hair, and had it dyed for the past few years (well, she is way over 60 now) but this was the first time I've seen her with hair white.

After a nod from me Tracy went and asked my mother in.

Entering, my mother wanted to hug me, but I pushed her away.

"Let's not get too enthusiastic, mother. The fact that I cannot refuse anything Tracy asks for does not mean that I like you any more than I did last year. Please sit down."

"Tracy, please get us some drinks. Don't worry, there will be no conversation until you are with us, and I'll control my temper."

As soon as Tracy left us, mother started: "Bob, I..."

"Mother, you just heard me promise Tracy there will be no conversation until she returns. I know that truth and honesty are very strange and unfamiliar to you but these are the principles upon which I've built Tracy's and my lives and we are both comfortable with them. You may still learn a few new things at your age, like honesty, faithfulness, trust and who knows — maybe even love. These are very high values you have never lived by, so learning them may still do you good."

When Tracy returned with the drinks I explained to her: "Your Grandma wanted to start the conversation while you were out so I just explained to her the values by which we live and pointed out a few values which never existed for her."

"Daddy, please don't start fighting. Please... !"

"OK. Mother, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Bob, you know that not all people think alike and that people can be very different from each other. Can't you just accept the fact that you just think differently from the rest of the family? Should this make you hate us instead of trying to understand?"

"No, mother. I explained last year very clearly why I've cut myself off from my so called 'family'. Should I explain it again?"

"I, as your youngest son, was discriminated against from age 14 until I left for college, I was a disturbance to your lifestyle. You decided that my character did not fit yours so you have not given me the right to choose — you just cut me out."

"When Nora decided to lead a double life (and right now we are speaking about you and not about her) my own father was the first one she seduced — easily as she says. Then, for all the years we were married you had all the fun with her behind my back. This isn't about ways of thinking, mother. This is outright cheating, deceiving and cuckolding."

"So let's see — discrimination and cheating for over half of my life — is this just a different way of thinking? If this is how you think about it then the differences are so big we have nothing more to discuss. You just reminded me of what Tim said when I read Nora's letter — he said I'm not the first man to be cheated upon by his wife. Well, speaking of differences — some men can tolerate it, some even like watching but for me — if not for Tracy I would have killed myself as soon as I finished reading the letter. So, Mother, why should I accept your way of thinking while you can't accept mine? All that happened ever since I became 14 was a one way deal — I was cut out, I was cheated on, and I was cuckolded by my own family. I was a disturbance to your lifestyle — but — surprise!, when I became a successful and wealthy businessman - I became popular with the family again. I was not a disturbance when visiting you, because you enjoyed my income and enjoyed my wife at the same time."

"No, mother. There is nothing that can be used as a bridge between us. This went too deep and too long. Your first question also shows me that you have no regrets at all. You still think that I have to adapt to your way of thinking."

Mother was crying softly. "Since last year when you 'kicked' us out we've been through a lot of changes. Look at me. Do you remember any time that I did not take care of myself? Your father looks like a ghost. He has lost a lot of weight, he quit working out and he generally looks bad. We do have regrets, but we still have not found the way to express them — not even between your father and me. Tim lives with us but he became an arrogant and self centered fool. Linda got pregnant twelve years ago, married a no good piece of nothing and we hardly see her once a year, and now we have lost you. It is hard for us to accept that what we considered "fun" for so many years is the cause of breaking up our whole family."

Tracy was looking at me with pleading eyes, but not saying a word.

"No, Tracy. I understand that you want me to forgive, but I just can't. I was badly hurt for too long and too deep, and listening to your Grandma — you have to agree with me there is nothing to go back to. Our values of honesty, trust and faithfulness still mean nothing to her. Sorry, Trace, but I'm not getting back into this corrupt and untrustworthy family."

"You haven't told me yet how your visit was, though."

"Grandma's and Grandpa's condition tore my heart out, but they really did their best to make my time enjoyable. They behaved like normal grandparents."

"Well, at least for once they kept their word and did not try anything sexual with you."

"Uncle Tim tried to start something and they sent him out of town until tomorrow. Grandma and Grandpa are no longer in shape or condition to start anything."

"Trace, sweet, you wanted me to listen to your Grandma, and I have. You heard everything that was said. If you want to visit with them again I will allow it, but don't expect me to forgive and go back. I just can't, and if you press I may just break down."

"I know, Dad. I really did not hear Grandma say anything that may change your mind. But I still love them — in spite of what they caused you — so I want to keep in touch with them. I still remember — and will never forget — the first year after mother's letter. I don't want to go through that again."