Chapter 2

Well, I asked for it and they gave it to me, and they were right. I did leave and I gave no one else any consideration. I ran for me and to hell with everyone else. I remembered the look on Sally's face as well. I had handed her a real hot potato and just turned away leaving her with the mess to clean up alone. I never even bothered to check up on her after telling her I would be there for her.

"I can't explain how I felt to you guys. Only understand that I now know I let some people down as well. That's why I came back as soon as I did. Let me think about what I want to do next and I'll call you, Ben. You can keep Mike updated as well. In the meantime, I'll listen to this tape as your mother requested and then I'll let you know."

With that, we ended the evening and I went back to the apartment to think and to listen to the tape. I wondered what she had put on it or what it was that I was supposed to listen to until the end. I know that I didn't have the strength to listen to their afternoon in the hotel room all the way through. All I did remember was getting sick to my stomach as I listened to as much as I could stand. I hoped that wasn't what she intended. Maybe to hurt me again as I had hurt her at the restaurant? That didn't sound like her.

I put on some coffee and made myself as comfortable as I could. I opened the package and, sure enough, it was the small recorder I had left that morning. I popped the cover to find the tape of the afternoon at the hotel. I noticed that it was wound part way through so I left it as it was and pushed play.

What I heard surprised me. According to the counter, it picked up after about 30 minutes into their tryst. I had listened to it almost as far as this and then shut it off. I had heard enough at the time. I had already known about them by then and this tape was only a confirmation of what I already knew. That's why I didn't bother listening to it completely.

The sounds I heard seemed to be of Sally in the bathroom. I could hear water running and Bill's voice calling to her.

"Serena? What are you doing? Come on back out here and let me help you climax. I know you didn't cum, so come on babe." Nothing from Serena and Bill mumbling to himself but I couldn't make it out.

"There you are. Why are you dressed already? We have plenty of time and I'm not through with you yet. Come here and let me take those clothes off of you."

"Bill, we have to talk. I just want you to listen and let me say what I have to say. OK?"

"Why are you so serious babe? We're just having fun and it's no big deal. Just come on over here to big Billy and let me take your mind off of serious stuff."

"No. Bill, we're through. This is the last time I'm going to be with you. You had some fun but it's over. I hope you'll accept that and let it go. I should never have begun this but I did and now I have to end it. I came this last time just to be fair to you."

"Ah, come on Serena. There's no need to do this. We're just having fun. No one is getting hurt and they don't ever have to find out. Just come on back to me and let me make you feel good again."

"Bill, get serious. As a lover, and I use that term loosely, you're pretty poor. I haven't had a climax with you since the very first time, and then it was only because it was exciting and dirty and dangerous. After that it was just dull, and I faked it. I have no idea why I continued with it. You're selfish and you don't even come close to satisfying me like John does. I don't mean to make you mad, but it's true."

"You bitch! You never said anything before this. You wanted me to fuck you and you loved me treating you like a slut! You loved the things I said to you and the names I called you. You ate it up. Don't tell me you weren't feeling anything. I can tell."

"I let you treat me like a slut because that's how I was acting. Like a cheap street whore. The only difference is that you got me for free. I let you treat me like that because that's how it felt being with you. You were getting off but I wasn't. The more you insulted me and the more names you called me, the worse I felt and that was what I wanted. I wanted to feel the shame and the humiliation for what I was doing. It was what I deserved! You can't understand but I love my husband more than life itself. He hurt me, but I now realize he didn't do it intentionally. He loves me and I know everything he did was for us. I did this to him with my eyes wide open and the shame is something I have to live with! But you aren't!"

"Damn you, Serena. Come here and I'll show you what it feels like for a real man to fuck you. John couldn't satisfy you and that's why you came to me. Don't deny it. You loved my cock inside you and you can't do without it."

"Goodbye Bill. You stay here and tell yourself that you believe all that crap but you really know better. Sally must be very disappointed with you if what you showed me is the best you can do. I feel sorry for her."

With that, I heard the door open and then shut. Then nothing, since the transmitter was voice activated, it shut off soon after she left the room. I checked the tape and found another hour or so but when I listened on fast forward, it was only the radio in the car and then some sounds as Serena mumbled to herself and then more later as she was unloading the car at home. She must have stopped at the store on her way home because I could hear the loudspeaker and then someone talking to her about the weather. What I had originally thought to be an hour and a half of Bill and Serena screwing in the hotel room was actually less than 30 minutes. The rest was nothing.

I reviewed what I had just heard. I think Serena wanted me to hear this because of what I said to her about quitting her affair. I told her that I had no idea whether she had any intention of quitting. This was her answer. I didn't know yet how I felt about what I heard. I would have to let it stew for a while.

I slept fitfully that night, hearing the words over and over in my head. I would hear Serena saying goodbye to Bill and hear Bill's anger and humiliation and I would smile, but then I would hear Serena telling Bill to fuck her hard and fast like a whore. It was like being lifted up to the peak and then falling down to certain death. I woke several times drenched in sweat. I finally gave up, went into the living room and turned on the TV. Eventually I fell asleep on the couch and woke sometime late the next morning, exhausted.

The next morning, I called Ben to set up another meeting with Serena. I told him this time to make it somewhere private so that we could talk openly and at length. I had enough of the public settings. He said he would talk to Serena and call me back.

After what seemed like hours, but in fact was only 45 minutes, Ben called to tell me Serena would be coming to my apartment just after lunch. She told him to tell me she was coming whether I wanted her to or not. When I replied in some anger that it wasn't her decision, he said he told her that too, and she said that I could just leave if I wanted to. She would know then that I didn't want to talk to her very badly and she wouldn't bother me again. That left it up to me. I would be there.

At 1:30, Serena knocked on my door. I sat there in my chair, suddenly very nervous and agitated. I wasn't at all sure what I was going to say or do. I wondered what she would do if I just didn't answer, and realized that I didn't want to know. I pulled myself together and went to the door.

I opened the door to see a very different Serena from the one at the restaurant. This Serena was pale, with red eyes and no makeup. This Serena was one I hadn't seen before. Gone was the calm and collected woman I remembered so well and the one that I spoke with four days ago. I was shocked at the difference in so short of a time. I noticed with a start that she still had on the necklace that I had given her the night of our anniversary party. That moved me for some reason.

"Hi, Serena, come in please." I held the door as, saying nothing, she moved past me into the open room that served as living room and dining room. The kitchen was open and separated only by a half wall with stools that served as a dinette. I had a bedroom and a bathroom and a pretty large closet. This was home.

Serena looked around without much interest and then went to the couch. She took off her coat and sat down in the very center, leaving no room for me. It was clear that she wanted me in the chair facing her and not beside her. After that cursory glance around the apartment, she looked down at her hands in her lap.

"Did you listen to the tape? Did you hear the answers to your questions? I knew you wouldn't believe me so I listened to all of that garbage until I found the part I knew was there somewhere."

Serena said all of this with a voice devoid of any emotion or feeling. It was as if she were doing something she felt was necessary but had no real interest in the details.

"Yes, I did. I never had the stomach to listen much past the first few minutes before. I just assumed the rest of the tape would be more of the same. As it was, it was still fairly painful."

"But you wanted to know, so now you know. Since you have no trust in me anymore, I knew I had to prove anything I say about that time." Same flat voice and same lack of emotion.

"I still can't for the life of me figure out why you did it in the first place. OK, so our sex life was in the tank, but I never thought you were so crazy about sex that you would go out looking for it with someone else. I never would have believed that of you."

Serena continued looking at her hands with that same dead look but smiled a little. Apparently I had said something funny to her. I didn't know what it was.

"Is something about that funny? Something I should know about? It seems that there is a lot about you that I didn't know."

I spoke with some anger. Her seeming lack of concern was beginning to piss me off. Why was she even here? What was the purpose of all of this?

"It isn't funny John. That's not what I was smiling about. I was just thinking of the same question myself. Why would I do what I did? It made no sense at the time and it makes no more sense now when I think back on it. It was so out of character that it's almost funny. And Bill: he was a joke and a pretty lousy one as well. If I was that crazy about sex as you put it, I would certainly have been disappointed the very first time. So, it certainly wasn't the sex. That's for damn sure."

She just shook her head and continued to look down at her hands, clasped together in her lap. She had not moved or looked up since she sat down.

"Serena, look at me. I need you to start at the beginning and tell me what happened to us. I need to know what I did to drive you away and why you let me. I need to know how you were able to put aside the promises we made to each other. I need to understand. Please help me to understand what happened."

Serena finally looked at me and I could see the pain and the hopelessness in her eyes. I had never seen that before, even on the morning I walked out on her. Panic, some hurt, but not this. I was taken aback for a moment and I felt a jolt of pain myself.

"If I do this, you have to let me do it my way. I don't want to answer questions until I have said all I need to say. If you can agree to that, I'll try to do as you ask."

"I agree. I'll try to keep my cool but I may get angry and break in. If I do, just wait till I calm down and then go on. OK?"

She just nodded and paused, collecting her thoughts before beginning.

"I began to see that my life was twisting out of control the day you saw Bill and I at the hotel. That was the first time we had been together when you were not traveling to Johnsonville. It was a break in our pattern: one that we had begun about 6 weeks before. We would meet at the hotel only on the Wednesday that you left town and we had met 4 times before then. Bill was going to be gone the next Wednesday you were traveling and he wanted to get together that day to make up for it."

Serena stopped and asked if I had any water to drink. I rose and went to the fridge to get her a bottle of Poland Springs. She took it without meeting my eyes. She drank a large swallow and it seemed as if she were trying to maintain her composure.

"The problem was that I realized that day at home that I had just had a "quickie" with a man that I wasn't really that fond of and I had no idea of why I had done it. That may sound strange to you, but you have to understand that I had never really thought about what we were doing as cheating on you. It was simply something that I was doing to get back at you because of your ignoring me."

She must have seen me from the corner of her eye as I became agitated by this last statement, because she spoke without looking at me.

"Before you interrupt, you have to let me finish. You promised."

"You're right. I apologize. Go ahead."

"The first time with Bill was on the day after you and I had an argument about sex. You came home that night and I was feeling good and I was really in the mood to make love. I wanted you so bad but you were too tired. I remember we fought about it and you just went into the spare room to sleep, telling me that I didn't understand how tired you were. I was left alone in bed without even your arms to comfort me and you didn't seem to care at all."

"You got up the next morning as usual and left for work, telling me that you would be home as soon as you could but that today was your planned trip to Johnsonville. I had forgotten all about it until then. There would be no sex that night either since you would be exhausted by the time you got home. So, I was hurt and angry at you and what I considered your lack of consideration for me or my feelings."

She stopped again while she took another long swallow of the water. She still seemed detached and almost bored with this story. Maybe she was but felt she owed me this much.

"Bill and I had been meeting for lunch every Wednesday after my class for the past 4 months or more. We just had lunch but neither of us told you or Sally. I don't know why. I continued to meet him because he was very complimentary about my figure and he seemed to enjoy my company. I needed that because you had stopped any kind of social activities when the FDA thing happened. We never went out and we never did anything other than talk to the boys from time to time and maybe see them on the weekends. Bill often said that he couldn't understand how you could ignore me the way you did and he always flattered me."

Anyway, after the first time, I agreed to meet him again the next time you traveled. The second time was not as good as the first but that was because the novelty was gone. The second time was just cheating for no good reason. I thought later that it was like mutual masturbation, nothing more. I had already punished you and there was nothing left to do that would make it different so I don't know why I continued after that but I did. I think I was just trying to 'get even' with you for what I believed you had done to me."

"Whether you care or not, the sex was bland and Bill was not a very considerate lover, although that word doesn't describe what he was. Nothing we did had anything to do with love; it was just sex. He was crude and didn't have any control. He always wanted to do different things but I wouldn't. Then he got mad but when he did, I threatened to stop and he backed down. As you heard, that Wednesday was the last time for me and he didn't like it."

She paused one last time and looked directly into my eyes. She began to speak again but this time, she didn't look away. This was meant directly for me.

"I have no excuse for what I did other than my own self pity. I hurt you and I hurt Sally and I have no justification for any of it. I was wrong and I am so very sorry. I want to apologize to you now, and I have apologized several times to Sally although she has never responded. I don't blame her."

"John, I am sorry for what I did to you and to our sons. It was my fault and you did nothing to me that justified what I did. I betrayed my marriage vows and I gave away any right to a future with you. I know that and I accept it as the price I have to pay for what I did. I had hoped it could be different, but after our dinner the other night, I realized it was too late."

Serena looked away when she finished and I saw some color come back into her face. It must have cost her greatly to tell me what she did. She told me the truth; she admitted her guilt; she apologized to me and to Sally; and she had accepted the consequences for her actions. My return had allowed her to shed the weight of guilt she had been carrying since I left. I guess my return had done her more good than it had me.

But that was not true. I felt much better now than I had for some time. I now knew as much as possible about what had happened and I knew that in spite of what Serena had said, I bore some responsibility for what happened. Not directly, since Serena never came to me with her issues about our marriage or my behavior, but my behavior was a factor nevertheless. Still, I wanted to know more. I had to.

"Serena, why Bill Collins. Why did you do this with my best friend and the husband of your best friend? I don't understand that. Can you explain that?"

"Of course. That's easy, at least for me. Bill Collins was someone I knew well and someone I was not afraid of in any way. I had known him for a long time and I knew I could never feel love for him regardless of what we did together. He was just a tool that I used and one that was handy. Oh, he was fun sometimes at lunch and he was easy to be with since I didn't need to impress him. I never thought of Sally during this time. When I was with Bill and Sally, it was almost as if we had never done anything together. I saw Bill just as your friend and nothing more. I know that makes no sense, but you have to remember that nothing I did makes sense."

"I don't understand that. Bill and Sally were our closest friends and you and he had shared something together that Sally and I were unaware of. Didn't you enjoy the feeling of secrets shared with Bill? Didn't it give you a thrill to be with Bill when I was present?"

"No, not at all. I didn't have any feelings for Bill whatsoever. He was your friend, he was my lover but nothing more registered in my head. When I wasn't with Bill, I didn't think of him at all. I didn't look forward to the Wednesdays coming up and I never thought of Sally as other than my friend."

Serena was shaking her head as she spoke. I believe she was still trying to understand why she had acted as she did. I watched her face as she talked and listened to her words and I had the feeling that she was as surprised at what she was saying as I was.

As she sat there, I considered what she had told me so far. As funny as it sounds, I believed everything she had told me. Everything! I began to try to summarize all I had heard so far.

First, she loved me still. She never stopped even though she cheated. She didn't love Bill and had no particular feelings for him even now. I believed her when she said the sex was not very good and that Bill was a poor substitute for me. She was sorry for what she did to me and to Sally and she was struggling to understand the reasons for it. Finally, she had given up any hope of our reconciling or so she said.

I also knew that my sons had forgiven her for what she did even though they hated it. They sheltered her when I left her and they were there for her when I wasn't. That was not something to take pride in. I was the tough guy; the macho man that kicked the slutty cheating wife out without a word. After giving me 25 years of her life; years that were filled with challenges that we faced together; challenges that we survived together; and years that I cherished, I just walked away from her without giving her the chance to let me go with some dignity.

I got up and paced around the small room just to stop myself from screaming. I didn't know what to say or do. Serena had given me the whole thing and she was clearly prepared to let me go. She had promised once I heard her out, she would sign the divorce papers. I had them in my bedside drawer. What was I going to do now? I looked over at Serena still sitting with her head down and her hands clasped together in her lap. She looked more at peace now that when she arrived.

"Serena, I want to say something to you and I may make a mess of it so I would ask that you simply hear me out. OK?"

She looked up at me and said nothing for a minute. Finally, she nodded her head and looked back down. I went ahead.

"I don't know what I feel for you at this instant. I do know that I love you and never stopped loving you even when I left you. I was hurting very much the last several weeks we were together and I planned the anniversary party knowing what you were doing. I planned to deliver as much hurt as I could to you and Bill but decided at the last minute not to do it in front of our sons. That's why I waited until the next day."

"The evening of our anniversary dinner when I made love to you, my intent was to remind you of what we meant together and what we had shared. I also wanted in a small way to let you know what you would be missing by driving me away. That was the selfish part."

"The necklace wasn't a selfish gift, however. I wanted you to have that regardless of what happened. It was a gift of love and it still is. I see you are wearing it and that makes me glad."

I saw her reach up to finger the stones with a smile and it warmed me a little to see it.

"I think my leaving was a mistake that I regret. I should have given you the time to discuss what happened and to see if we could work out some way to separate as friends rather than do what I did. But I'm back now and I think we should continue to talk, if that's all right with you."