Chapter 4

"It's good that you have decided to keep trying for reconciliation," Julia said when they met again. "The men have agreed to take some steps to get things started. However, there are some absolute conditions that must be met. The first condition that they will not compromise on is that you have to tell the children..."

"What! They're young teenagers! We can't talk about that with them!"

"Let me finish, please. Some of the children have repeatedly asked their dads when they are going to apologize and ask mom to let them come home." Julia tried hard not to spit that out as angrily as she wanted to.

"But if we tell the kids, everyone will know!"

"If you get divorced, everyone will know," was Julia's retort. Let me tell you how bad it is and you can figure out how the men must feel about it. Val, your father and a preacher accosted Will in his office."

"Accosted?"

"It was not a courteous, corgial visit. Through the diatribe they laid on him, it was made very clear that they thought he had cheated on you."

"Oh, noooooo!" Vail wailed, sounding like Cece. "But how can I go and tell my parents?"

"How can you expect your men to first forgive you, and then bear the stigma of cheating spouses in your stead, as well. Believe me, I could never counsel them to go that far."

"If they hadn't just left, no one would have to know that anyone cheated," Cece whined.

Julia felt her anger rising and had to take a few deep breaths before she could continue in a normal tone. "This is what they agreed on. You at least have to make it clear to the children that you are the ones that did something terribly wrong."

"They're old enough to figure out that it's something to do with sex," Val objected.

"They've already figured that out. Most of them just think it was the dads that did it."

Cece whined again "Ohhhh! That's too much to ask."

Julia lost it! She jumped to her feet. "Dammit! Haven't you learned anything yet? You three fucked up lives that any other woman would kill to have. You destroyed three good men who made an honest effort to be the best husbands they could be. You think you're somehow going to get out of this without anyone finding out what you did? Are you dreaming? You are NOT going to wake up and find this mess all gone. If you really want your husbands back, it's going to take pain, and telling the kids is just one tiny part of it. There's a lot more.

"I have failed to get through to you. I should have stayed with my original decision not to work with you. I apologize for my outburst. Somehow you bring out the unprofessional part of me.

"Please just leave and find your own way to start communicating. There will be no charge for today's session." Julia left the office. It looked like the patients would take some time to recover from the shock they had just received. They would never know that Julia's very real anger was also highly dramatized for shock value. She spoke a few words to Judy, her receptionist, then walked outside into the afternoon heat.

"Now what do we do?" Cece wailed.

Somehow, both Val and Sandy refrained form jumping all over Cece. She was the one who had finally driven Julia away. Perhaps they refrained because their reactions had been the same, just not expressed.

Realizing that she was the direct cause, Cece said "We can't lose her. She's our only chance. I'll go and apologize and see if I can get her back."

"We're all at fault," Sandy assured her friend. "We'll all go."

As the trio left the office, they encountered Judy wearing a positively venomous expression. Shocking the three, Judy spat out "Dr. Waxman has the biggest heart of anyone I ever met. What did you do to drive her away?"

"It's... we... um..." Val stammered thru the start of an explanation but never even got it going. "We're really sorry. We want to apologize and keep going. Please! She's our only chance."

"If it was up to me, I'd just show you out," Judy declared. "But I know how much she goes through for her patients. Go back in there and I'll see if I can catch her."

In Julia's car, where she was sitting with engine and the air running, Judy said "I'm glad you don't ask me to do something like that very often?"

"Apparently, you did a great job," Julia said, squeezing Judy's hand. "Thank you."

"Is this going to work? Are they going to get their husbands back?" Judy asked.

"I honestly don't know. I'm afraid the probability of all three succeeding is awfully low."

As she walked in the door, Julia said in a kindly voice "Let's not take time for apologies. Maybe we're about even, but you're the customers here. The bit about telling the kids is the first non-negotiable condition before there is any talk. You may like the second one even less. They want your complete sexual history before they meet with you."

Cece had been cowed just enough by the result of her previous outburst that Sandy beat her to objecting this time. "But... but they'll think we're awful. They'll think we're s... sluts."

Julia just stared at her for a while. "I have a question for you," she finally started. "Picture a supposedly contented suburban housewife: lovely home; great income; doting husband; great kids; just a few sexual partners before she met her husband. Now, what would cause that woman to get into group sex?"

"But we didn't..." Val started to object before Julia cut her off.

"It can't be any of you. You had lots and lots of sexual partners. Just answer the question. We will wait as long as it takes until you come up with the answer." Julia's demeanor convinced them that she meant it, and Val decided not to waste any time.

"The only reason I can think of is that she was dissatisfied with the sex in her marriage."

"Thank you, Val."

"But we weren't!" Sandy exclaimed. "I wasn't!"

"Well," Julia began. "Trent thought you were that housewife. You told him you were. So what was he to assume about why you did it? Just what Val said. He thought he had failed as a sex partner."

"Oh, God! Oh, God! That's so not true!" Sandy was crying.

At that point, Val asked "So, how will telling him about our college sex help our situation?"

Making sure Sandy was under control enough to understand her answer, Julia laid it out. "At my very first session with the men, I built an excuse for what you did. My intention was to try and ease the men's anguish, but I probably helped you in the process.

"I told them my speculation about your college sex. I speculated that because of a lot of factors: the big four-oh, biological clock running down, etc., you were vulnerable and got sucked back into the old ways."

"So, our only hope is to admit that we're sluts?" Cece moaned.

"Either that, or let them think they drove you out of bed," Julia said with a shrug. "Which do you think is worse? Which is more likely going to get them to come back to you?"

There was another long sniffle-filled pause before Julia spoke again. "Today, I've been really hard on you. I've said some pretty brutal things and laid some stunning demands on you from the men. Well, as long as I'm on a roll, I'm going to finish it off.

"From our first meeting, I have been concerned that you did not have a realistic appreciation of your situation. I think I've made some progress, but I still don't think you are ready to do what it will take to reconcile.

"What do you mean," Cece complained. "We want them back so badly. We're so sorry! We just haven't been able to tell them."

"Sorry doesn't buy you anything," Julia said sternly. "Let me give you my most brutal assessment. The men will not reconcile with the women they now know that you are."

"But I'm the same woman he married," Sandy cried.

"Yes, but not the same woman he thought he married. The woman he thought he married could never have gone off to sex parties."

None of the three could think of anything to say, so Julia continued. "As of right now, you might as well consider yourselves divorced." That got a reaction, and Julia again had to wait.

"You are going to have to fight to get your marriages back and they will never be the same as they were. What do you have to fight with? Well, for one thing, your husbands all still love you." This time, the gasp was one of relief. "For another, the men are horrified at the possibility of being separated from the children."

"You have another weapon, but it may be neutralized. Let me explain. The men hate the idea of divorce because it means they have failed as husbands. However, your cheating also brands them failures as husbands, so in a sense they lose either way."

"Why do you keep harping on that? It's not why we did it!" Cece demanded.

"Your husbands are completely convinced that's why you did it. That's the only reality that matters," Julia explained. "Before you can even think about fighting for your marriages, you are all going to have to change your mindset.

"The first change is this: you must believe and acknowledge that this whole mess is completely your fault. I can find nothing that would fault your husbands. I'm not just saying it because they were my first patients, but if any of you three can point to a better husband, it will be one of the other two.

"Because you are completely at fault, you have no right to make any demands whatsoever. Unless you come into this as total beggars, you don't have a chance.

"You cannot expect your marriage to ever be what it was before. I can't predict just what the differences will be, but some are likely to be severe. For sure, they will not trust you for a long time, if ever. Jealously will likely be a constant problem. In the worst case, the destruction of their self-respect could make them impotent. I have seen it happen.

"Unless you are willing to accept the possibility of a marriage of convenience for the sake of the children and for appearances, you probably shouldn't bother to try. I sincerely hope you can go well beyond that, but the prospects are not good. You must be prepared to have the divorce just delayed until the last child is through school.

"There can be absolutely no secrets in a future marriage. You have forfeited the right to keep anything hidden. You will not be able to demand the same from your husbands, either.

"I could go on, but I have probably said enough to convince you that it is not worth it. That was not my intention, but I am trying to tell you what I see as reality.

"If you decide you want to try, you know what the first two requirements are. Tell the kids the truth and instruct them to inform the men. Then, prepare either a written or recorded account of your complete sexual history before you met them."

After another long silence, it was Val, the most rational one, who spoke. "I still can't believe that what we did could be so destructive. How were we supposed to know that their egos were so fragile? It's just one mistake and now everything is shit."

Julia could not resist one more response. "Val, even if you knew nothing about the male ego and male feelings, you took a vow. If you had just held to that vow, your ignorance of the male psyche would not have mattered."

As the women left her office, Julia had no idea what would happen next. Usually, she could sense how people were leaning, but this case had her baffled. She was not even sure she had gotten through to the women. The sense that they were still living a bit of a fantasy would not go away.

Nor were the men any more predictable. The only things certain were the severity of their wounds and their love for their children. Julia could not even be sure that their professed love for their wives would survive.

It was unsettling to Julia as a professional to review some of the things she had done with the women. She doubted that they would want her involved any more. If they let things slide toward divorce, that wouldn't matter. But if they tried for reconciliation, she would have liked to be involved, if just to see the outcomes.

It was over a week before the women even contacted Julia, and she had mentally written them off. When they asked to see her again, she agreed eagerly.

All three women looked haggard and beaten. Almost wearily, Val handed Julia three CD's. "Here's one for each of them. It's a Word document, about twenty-five pages. We started with our childhood, just as we did with you. It's OK to try and show some reasons for what we did, isn't it?"

"Yes, Val, that's fine. In fact, I think it's important. I would have explained some of that if you hadn't. By the way, even though you gave me permission, I have told the men nothing from our sessions."

"Why not!?" Cece demanded. "I thought you were going to help us that way!"

"Cece, what could I have told them that would have made a difference? As I have mentioned several times, all I have heard so far is that you're sorry, you didn't mean to hurt them, you had no idea that they would take it so hard, it was just meaningless sex, and they are great lovers. Any one of those things would have just made your position worse, believe me."

"When can you tell them something, then?"

"When I hear something from you that I think will make a difference. This document is a good start. Now, what about the children?"

"Oh, God!" Cece exclaimed through tears. "It was awful! Francie has stayed with Bud for three nights, now. I don't know if she will ever come home."

"Have you learned anything from her reaction?"

"What... what do you mean?"

"Does that violent reaction from your young daughter give you any new insight into the reality of your situation?" At Cece's blank expression, Julia pushed harder. "Was she shocked? Or sad? Or what?"

"At first, she couldn't believe it. She made me say it three times. Then she sobbed so hard she could barely breathe for about ten minutes. Then... then she started jumping around and yelling and screaming at me." Just the retelling brought tears to Cece.

"I assume that Francie is rather, uh, expressive, like both of her parents?" Julia asked as delicately as she could.

Val butted in to answer that one. "That's what's so strange. Francie is a very composed, almost placid girl. We always joke that she's too sweet and easy-going for her own good."

"Back to my original question, Cece. Does your daughter's reaction give you any more insight into your situation? Let me put it this way: do you think Bud's reaction might have been similar? Remember, he didn't just hear about it, he saw it. And the kids already knew something was wrong, so Francie was at least a little prepared." After a brief thoughtful look, Cece became a useless puddle.

Turning to the other two, Julia asked "Did you get similar reactions?"

"Brooke already knew," Val said quietly. "She claimed that she and Josh figured it out - that the men did not tell them." Sandy nodded sadly at her cousin's words. "None of the others went off like Francie did."

They all waited for Cece to become at least minimally coherent, then Julia asked "Does this document contain anything besides straight history - facts?"

"Like what?" Sandy asked.

"Are there any personal comments? Apologies. Pledges of your love. Assurances that you did not mean to hurt them. Anything like that?" Three sets of downcast eyes gave her the answer, and she had to take a few deep breaths to quell the surge of anger.

Rather dramatically, she handed the CDs back to Val and said "You can drop them off again after you have laundered them. I'm not going to read them, so it is up to you to make sure they tell only your sexual history. Is that clear?"

"But how are we going to tell them what we're feeling?"

"You are not going to tell them. At least not if you have any hope of your marriages surviving." Julia said sternly.

"WHAT?!!"

"Saying those things will only make matters worse because the men will never, ever believe what you say. 'Sorry' is the only thing that will not infuriate them even further."

"But what chance do we have then? Why should we bother?"

"Haven't I been very straight with you about just how poor your chances are?" Julia demanded. None of the three answered, but she would not let it rest at that. "Cece, haven't I been perfectly clear?" She went through all three individually and made them answer.

Julia got up and paced behind her desk. "I have permission to tell you this. To me, it is the most damning reason why the men have refused to let you communicate. This is an almost direct quote from one of your husbands. 'If I let her, she will talk and talk and talk. She will apologize, then explain why it didn't mean anything, assure me she loves and wants only me, and that it was all just a mistake. Then, when I can't just forgive and forget, she will make me out to be the bad guy'."

"Why would they say that?" Sandy almost screamed.

"Because that's the way they honestly feel." Julie asserted.

"But they shouldn't feel that way! It's not true!"

"Haven't you ever felt bad about something, and he couldn't understand why?" Julia prodded. "Did his confusion make you feel any better? Didn't you take great pains to explain why he had made you feel bad?"

"But... but they're men! They don't..." Cece's comment died halfway through, and she just stared at Julia with wide, teary eyes and quivering lip.

"Haven't I convinced you that they are not so different from you, as far as feelings and emotions? Didn't I explain all of that?"

"We... we never thought of them that way."

"There is something even more painful from the conversation that I was allowed to repeat. The men believe that when one of them has a dispute with his wife, you share it with each other and gang up against him. It is one of the reasons they feel they will have to split you up if their marriages are to survive."

"Oh, God, no!" That wail or something similar came from all three.

"We're not really that big of bitches!" Val claimed.

"Remember, it's what the they think and feel that counts right now. Truth here is not something that can be proven one way or the other. If they feel it, it's the truth to them."

"So if we meet with them, what can we even say?"

"Beside 'Sorry', I think it has to be very objective. 'What will it take to get you to come home?' Talk about things that you have not been able to handle properly in their absence. And absolutely no subtle psychological pressure. Do not even hint at anything sexual. Assume that they will probably not want to sleep with you, but..." Julia had to pause for more collective gasps. "... but don't say anything about it. Just be prepared if they bring it up.

"This is probably a breach of confidentiality, but I have been very firm with the men about sleeping arrangements. I have told them that if they are not ready to sleep in the same bed with you, that they are not ready to talk about reuniting. I personally think that they would be better off in a different house than in a separate bedroom in the same house." Julia saw relief after that explanation.

"Remember, sleeping in the same bed does not mean they are ready for sex. It does not even mean they are ready for touching and affection. If I can get them home and sleeping in your bed, you are going to have to take it from there. I will help all I can, but only on an individual basis.

"Above all, remember that you are the supplicant. You are begging for something that they think you do not deserve. Don't do anything to weaken what love still remains. Never refer to each other, and do not let them know if you get together. 'Sorry' really isn't something that can just be said. It has to be lived.

"I am not violating anything by telling you that I am working very hard on your behalf. I am doing everything I can to bring to their attention what they would be losing if they divorce you. I am hammering forgiveness like you would not believe. I am giving every psychological explanation for your actions that I can think of. I am shamelessly playing the children card. I am talking again and again about the economic realities of divorce.

"I have been very hard on you because you are the offenders. I have made no bones about that. With them, I am trying to show them that reconciliation is in their best interest. Please, please don't do anything to ruin what I am trying to do for you."

It had been ten days since Julia's last session with the men. She had decided, and told them, that a 'cooling off' period was needed. It was natural for emotions to moderate over time, and it had not been that long since the discovery. She was concerned that even another ten days was not enough cooling off time, given the traumatic nature of what the men had seen. For now, though, she did not think it wise to go too long without seeing them.

Things were looking up for a first meeting between the estranged spouses, and she felt that it was up to her to pick the proper time. It was a very delicate decision when to let them meet. In a case like this, the old adage 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' did not necessarily hold.

A big part of the men's minds, their egos, wanted to just divorce and be done with it. With each week, the pain of separation could dull a bit, and divorce could seem less drastic. Because of no contact, over a very long separation, the wife could become less and less of a real person and thus easier to dispose of. The wounded male ego part could then have its way, and the marriage would be history.

Julia's recommendation to move close to their homes was certainly for the benefit of the children - that was no lie. But it also served to keep the children, and thus the family, always in the men's attention. Permanent separation would not lose its terror quite so quickly.

If, on the other hand, she recommended that the spouses meet too soon, the anger would be too apt to erupt and set the process back many weeks. Julia had found this to be particularly true when the wife was the cheater. In most marriages, the wife was the superior fighter - arguer, that is. Most husbands, whether out of chivalry or a distaste for or ineptitude at verbal combat, could not go all out against their wives long enough to achieve victory.